How do I support an addict without sounding sorry?

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if I write about my own day is it going to take attention off of what he needs to concentrate on

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I'm not sure what you mean by this. You mean when you write to him while he's in rehab?

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I'm learning that a supporter may sound like he or she is sorry for the addict and that is very demeaning.....especially for a male addict....

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I've learned that the 'especially for a male addict' is because they have a big problem checking their macho ego at the door.
My husband never wanted to be viewed as 'weak'. He's now whipped, and seems to be a lot more pleasant!

My husband never wanted to be viewed as 'weak'. He's now whipped, and seems to be a lot more pleasant!

*laughs* Great line. And from a newlywed! You don't waste any time.

Juliette55: From speaking to a number of former addicts about the early stages of their recovery process, a common sentiment was clear: help me when I ask for it.

While getting clean, having a loved one or spouse around who knows of your drug use can be a blessing and a curse. The guilt experienced by the addict can be immense. Do not underestimate it! Finding one lacks the courage and willpower to resist a drug is a serious blow to one's self esteem. To make this discovery in full view of people you know and love can be devastating. People have committed suicide in part to avoid facing their loved ones as a failure.

So while having someone around to support the addict---the methods by which unclear---may sound good to an observer, in reality it actually can end up being just one more thing in their life that reminds the addict of their shameful failure and weakness.

That is why I generally counsel spouses and partners of recovering addicts to take a hands-off, curiosity-off approach. While inquiries as to how the addict is dealing with addiction may be well intentioned, each and every time the subject the broached, that's one more time---again---the addict is made to feel ashamed in the eyes of an intimate.

It's for this reason I would caution against special actions to bolster their self-esteem, including uplifting notes and motivational letters that others have mentioned. One, they know what you're trying to do, and it can easily appear forced and not entirely sincere if it's the first time in a blue moon, if ever, you've said or written such kind words.

It's apparent you're trying to cheer them up.
When trying to cheer someone up, it's common to exaggerate the positive.
Therefore, your heartfelt sentiments may be perceived to be suspect to some degree.

Your "Why You're Great!" note can end up saying something closer to, "You're Not a Loser. Really!"

The addict doesn't need a cheerleader, or a motivational speaker, or affirmations. This is not some zero-sum problem, where an increase here will compensate for a decrease there. The addict must face himself, consider his life in context, and make decisions of no little significance. This can happen slowly or quickly, in a concentrated effort or in fits and bursts, and with successes or failures or both, in the meantime.

The addict enters this endeavor as is. It is too late to strengthen resolve, too late to develop better habits and structure, too late for the ol' moral code to get a tune-up. The sum total of his character right now will determine the amount of virtue he can bring to bear on this crisis.

I'm emphasizing the addicts plight to make a point: small gestures obviously intended to "cheer him up" are irrelevant, or even distracting, as I mentioned earlier.

You asked, what were the most helpful words from loved ones when you were seeking help.

My answer: every single word that made me feel normal. Every word and gesture that was normal. Familiarity. Not fawning, or disinterest... but a recognition that addiction can't be shared, only acquired. Progress cannot be rushed nor should be oft inquired of, but it can be impeded.

Normalacy is what the addict needs most, so he can feel as safe and comfortable as possible. He needs mental energy to work out his drug dependency, energy that's wasted when spent trying to explain the unexplainable, wasted when he's reminded (by the most innocent of questions) of his guilt for not being stronger, for neglecting loved ones. for have gotten mixed up in this mess in the first place.

That is how you show support: be confident he'll do the best he can. Don't say you're confident... BE confident. Through your actions. Are we ever assured of another's confidence in our self simply because they claimed to be? No, it's demonstrated by how they treat us, what they say and don't say.

If you feel pity for the addict, it means you think you understand addiction. You don't. If the addict fishes for pity, they don't understand addiction. You are an impartial observer here. You've no reason to feel sorrow OR resentment towards his addiction, because you don't know what addiction is. You don't have an opinion on his addiction, and he should not cajole one from you. Do not humor him just because he's suffering.

Sounds odd, but think of the alternative: if you think you know something about addiction, you will then automatically attempt to reconcile, say, his negative behavior with your idea of addiction. By establishing premises, logic will compel conclusions, and SHAZAM... you now have a whole structure of opinions and judgments on his struggle with addiction---conclusions which will most certainly be at some odds with how he himself perceives it---and argument is born! Strife shatters what SHOULD have been a normal, familiar environment, and time spent ruminating on his life is lost. All because of a faulty premise.

Time is important here. Like the one ring that rules them all, his former master meth will come calling, and the pull will be strong. If he hasn't had the time to make adequate forward progress, your Frodo may instead become Lord Denethor.

Normalcy. Peace and quiet. Personal time. Neutral opinions of what you know not. These are the words and deeds the recovering addict seeks, though he might not know it.