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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents

   my baby boy has grown into a 31 year old man on drugs. Im not sure what drug. Maybe meth or crack. I do know he has changed dramatically in the last ten years. His wife also is on drugs. They have three beutiful children ages 10,8,&5. the ten year old is from her first marriage. Tomorrow she{the mother} will be summoned to court by the biological father for custody of the 10 year old. These children have been lied to about so many things. They promise to take them on trips or to a movie and it never happens. the parents have pawned their tv's,dvd players. My grandaughter the 8year old is the light of my life. She has been at my house every almost weekend since she was born. I take her to church and she was baptized last Nov. Her mom and dad came but were almost too late to see her. I now have taken steps to get the other two children out of this environment. I wish I had done it a lot sooner. If these adult children only knew the heartache of us mothers and dads when we watch our children inflict so much hurt on us and especially on our dear granchildren. I am not surprised at the state of this world when little children have to live in the condtions they do. If all families would go to church together and really get involved in spreading GOD'S word there would be no drugs.I believe God is the answer and I pray for my son everyday. I believe God answers prayer.
--G

Junkie Dad!
   My name is lea and im 16 years old. my dad has been a junkie for about 10 years. i miss him so much and i can not even explain all the stuff that i go through with him. he started smoking pot when he was about 11. then pot was boring so he started dealing and doing cocain. he then gopt divorced with my mom and he started doing meth. He is never around and how can you build a relationship that is needed. He is a definete junkie! He NEVER sleeps he NEVER eats. when i am around him i am constantly saying hey lets eat, and i make him go to bed around 9 p.m. because i know that when it comes to about 2 or 3 a.m. in the morning he will be in his ratty old truck with a 6 foot trailer loaded down with pallets. He goes dumpster diving in the middle of the night when he is geeked up and he takes old clothes and toys and broken lamps because in his meth mind he is superman and he can fix everything! Sometimes he wont even come home. There is a motel 6 where he stays sometimes and does meth all night. The other night i caleed him and called him to tell him i was ina tlanta to see him and i could not get a hold of him. Finally he answered his phone and he said that his 300 dollars got stolen and he broke down. So i drove to where he was and put 15 dollars of gas in his truck just to get him back to his friends house where we were staying. He wouls finally lay down and go to sleep. i was laying down with him and rubbing his back when he said hey lets go play pool in his sleep! he is always twitching and moving and just not the same dad he used to be. i was reading his text messages when iread one that said you will die in 30 days! im going to find soemone to kill you. and someone telling him that terroristic threats were recorded. it said it was from a woman named sue so im guessing that that is one of the poeple that he gets his meth from. i dont know how i would survive if i didnt have my dad around. Anyone that has to do a drug this deadly to make themselves to feel worthy and to have some confidence for 3 days at a time while they are not eating and not sleeping is far from normal. They need help and this drug is a epidemic that is killing our world fast! I know how hard it is to live with a meth head, so do that person a favor and try to show them that they are wanted and they they are needed. I try to show my dad everyday! Call them and let them know that you care.
--Lea

   My brother hung himself July 6, 2006. He was married with 3 grown children. No one knew he was doing drugs. He was a truck driver. He had a good job and failed a drug test. He told his wife he occasionally did speed to keep him up so he could drive. He changed, he went to her an said he wanted a divorce. He really didn't but he was so moody at he time he told her he did. This drug made him so moody he didn't know what he wanted.
--L

   I was reading all your letter and have been for serval days....We all have horror stories to tell and I understand Ive been there done that... I was clean for 2yrs and I fel again... I hate that shit I have been clean again almost 6mths and probably had to fall again... I cant go back.. Ive left the meth for the last time I refuse for it to beat me again..I have 3 boys 14yr,10yrs,7yrs old the youngest is fighting cancer now.. I did relaps during this time he has leukimia he is in remision has been for the past 2yrs and we are down through the last 4 treatments left.. You know life is short we bring these kids in to the world and what are we showing them if this little guy of mine can fight his diesease so can I. God's put this trial in my life and I am gonna get through with him leading me... he's our maker and the only answer I pray for all of you.. Stay strong seek the Lord he is our salvation... read the stories of the ones who have he will deliver you..I am praying for all of us stay strong and God bless you!!!
   I love you all and really know what your going through!!!
--Cat

   Hi, I'm 23 years old, I don't want to give my name but I'm writing from Hawaii where we have a TERRIBLE problem with meth a.k.a ice as we know it here. I personally never tried ice and I never will but I have had many family members literally go through a "living hell" while using this drug. I learned about ice after my "favorite" aunty got into it with my uncle. It all started with them smoking weed then as we all know how weed is a gateway drug, it opened them up to ice. My aunty and uncle lost both their jobs, their once beautiful home is now is a living dump (you can feel the filth as soon as you walk through the door). The sad thing about it is that my grandma who has a serious case of Alzheimer's disease was living with them at the time. They were supposed to be taking care of her but I saw how heartless ice had made my aunty when I saw my aunty lock my grandma in her room by closing the door and tying a bungee cord around her door knob to the door across the hallway so that my grandma wouldn't be able to get out and my aunty and her chronic friends could tweak away in the living room without being bothered. My aunty would lock my grandma up with no food or water and the way I found this out was when one day I went to check on my grandma in her room and saw that she had pissed in a cup and was drinking her own piss because she was so thirsty!!! Ice has turned my aunty into a cold, heartless, monster. She began stealing money from me and lying to me about everything and anything. When I would sleep over she would be up at 4am playing super nintendo or playing cards after being up straight for 7 days then when she would sleep she would be out for days. My uncle now looks like a walking skeleton and has no front teeth because of smoking ice, my aunty who has been chubby all her life is so immune to ice that she doesn't even lose weight. They have become so paranoid that their broken gate to their driveway is being held up with masking tape to "prevent" people from coming in. Their 4 beautiful Great Danes are now dead because they used all their money and pawned their valuables to get drugs instead of dog food. The same tweakers that I see living out of bar bathrooms and living under bridges also stay over my aunty's house. My stepdad even saw my aunty pushing an empty shopping cart 3 miles from her house at 5am and when my stepdad pulled over and asked her what she was doing she said she was going grocery shopping. This drug has turned my aunty into the person I once loved to be around into someone I don't want to have anything to do with. I could go on and on about what ice has done to my family but then I'd be on this computer forever and then I'd feel like the tweaker. Ice is the devil and will take away your life piece by piece. I wish the best for all of you out there who are stuggling with this growing epidemic and are trying to do something to get out of this evil lifestyle.....
--b

where can I start??
   I guess ill start by introducing myself. i am 18 years old and currently a senior in high school, my life has been nothing but pain and suffering sure Drugs have affected others life, but not as bad as it affected my life, you see when I was a newborn , my father did drugs and how i know tis is because he tells his kids what he does my father has raised 5 kids the best why that he could, sure there were times when we struggled I am sure of it then there were those happy moments. my father never took away from his children to buy drugs, but he would get them some why, my father was a drug addict for about 15 years or long, he is 53 years old and he has been clean for about 10 years, I was way to young at the time i never knew what drugs were about. But know that i have been through so much i understand. I sure im glad my dad change cause if not then i would be living that princess life that he has give me. But you see I also have Three brothers who are using drugs, my oldest one is 35 years old he has been using drugs since he was 10 years old can you believe that he was just a baby, he has 3 beautiful kids, till this day he uses drugs, always in the streets, the effects that my brother has are : he mumbles, he is sucked up and he always looks a mess. i strongly believe that he is going to die on of these days from drugs, surre my brother has been in jail & prison but you see that do change a person who doesn't what to change. Sure at the time they regreat what they did but i give it a mouth or 2 and they will turn back to it! as for my father it was hard but he wanted to stop and he did mot just for himslef but for his family. and as for my other brothers they are also using drugs not as bad but they still do them, my sister is the greatest she has never touched drugs but how she got a drug addict husband ill never know, he hits her and gets away with it the police do nothing and he is on drugs 24/7 that man never sleeps and still my sister stay's with him. people need to call it quits to better them self in life,he was such a good person and when he started using nothing was good about him. Know im 18 years old I can tell a drug addict for a mile aways why because my brothers or one and my ex- Boyfriend is one, at this moment he is in jail for shoplifting< because he is so wigged about that he cant even fuction the right why and you see he started off good just graduated had a job and was doing good in life started hanging around the worng people and with in 6 mouths change into a whole new person, i was with this guy for 3 years and he throw that all away for his pipe and his dope , didn't care about me wanted the girls who did drugs and that wasn't me, so i had to let him go sure i still think about him and i still love him, that was my first love, im still here for him but i have to much stress with my family on drugs i dont need to stress about him, He knew how i fealt about drugs but he just didn't care all that matter was his pipe. So you see i moved on with my life and i have been dating this guy for 9 mouths and last week he finally meet my brother and to my surprise he did drugs with my brother and he is know as a drug dealer. I would have never know, never came to me he was so good had a job, i never expected it form him. and i stop and think what did i do wrong in life? but you see Drug addicts are what i know and i feel that i need to help them once i meet them if i could i would try to help everyone who was on drugs, drug addicts discus me but in the end i love them all the same. People who you never that whould end up in drugs are all wigged out walking down the street with no care in the world except there crack friends and there crack pipe, you dont only hurt yourslef you hurt the person who loves you the most & that is your Family. you dont hurt your druggir friends you hurt family cause the druggies don't care. there not your friends there your enimies know i understand that there are kids involved i should know i was one and still am on and my newphew is a crack baby with huge challenges that he has to suffer from!! but once its gone bad you leave and only some back when that person is free of drugs> thank you sincelry
--Mrs. Lea

If ever I could go back in time never doing my first line
Saving ever single dime, things right now would be just fine

It all began four years ago, I'd go to john he would go to Joe
About one flat per month or so, amazing how bad habits grow

Once a month turned into once a week, now everyday like a speed freak
Every night stay up to tweak, when dope runs out then more I seek

I never thought that I would get hooked,but just one time was all it took
The power of meth I over looked, not happy now unless I am cooked

Craving meth cause you pain, damaging the Neron's of the brain
Unless I have smoked at least a grain, nothing will seem as fun again

With no meth for days I sleep, my eyes open I can not keep
Some let paranoia creep, on their week minds insanity will leap

I know one day that I will dry out, or meth will kill me with out a doubt
Long term effects have come about, soon heart disease will start to sprout

Who knows or not if it is to late, four years on meth damage is great
especially when your consumption rate is per day at least eight

But right now I do not want to stop, instead I want to set up shop
Become the dealer that is on top, and master dodging every cop

This is a note not to whine, i just don't know if I will be fine
Now I must go do a line, you live your life I will shorten mine
--Mist

The Devil
   I have been using meth off and on for the last 12 years (mostly on). The longest I have managed to stay sober is 9 months and that was because I was pregnant with my daughter. I am also an alcohalic. I have so much to live for and so many great things in my life I don’t understand why I continue to go back to this lifestyle. I have a three year old daughter who is my life and she deserves so much more then I have given her. I come from a decent family who does not use and never has. I will have been sober now for two months and it has been the best two months of my life. It doesn’t seem like a lot but to me it is a small milestone now sitting here thinking about how terrible the last year has been. I wish I could say that because of the terrible things my addiction has done to me I will be able to stay off of it this time, if only it were that easy. Everyday is a constant struggle and I just hope that one day I can put this behind me and raise a happy and healthy daughter who will not remember any of her past 4 years. I wrote a poem about one night when I was high and alone with my daughter back in 2003. How terrible that sounds. I wonder what type of a person that makes me? I know that if this was in my control she would have been enough to make me stop but there are some things stronger then this great love I have for her. I always thought to be sober would be the end of this wonderful life I was living but I have realized that being sober is only the end to this daily hell I have for so long called mine.
--Jill

To my strongest enemy
To this evil my soul has possessed
This habit that I cannot beat
The feeling it leaves after it hits
The endless nights of wondering “why can’t I quit”
I see the life I’ve built slowly turn to you again
I see my love. My life, my baby fading away leaving only you to take
I feel powerless to this everlasting meaningless high
I close my eye’s but it will not let me go
I run from it but never far enough
I try to avoid the rush but the rush is what I need
I call to you from my private hell but you don’t hear you have been gone for so long
I am alone, you’ve left me so confused
It is your endless needing and my wanting I am scared to face
I look to her into those beautiful blue eye’s but even that is not enough, I have to come realize
I see thru her me and the innocence she has come to know
I watch the time go by slowly never really gaining full control
I hope she cannot see the things I am
I scream for it to let me go
I feel it’s strength and I know it will never leave me in control
It whispers to me that I am nothing without it, always taunting me
It is the abuser, but it is only me the me you created that keeps coming back for more
It’s an endless battle that I am afraid can never be won
I am afraid if this does not stop I will watch the innocence that those beautiful eye’s hold slowly fade away
Always wishing I could erase the pain I know I will cause
Always wishing I could give you back all that I never meant to take
Wishing I had not missed being there with you when I am not me
The weakness it has left will haunt my reality
Even when it’s gone I can still feel it creeping slowly, carefully consuming all the good I had tried so desperately to find
My greatest fear is that those small child like eye’s will no longer be watching the person I have become but will become the person I had tried so hard to hide
My heart beats faster, my pain grows deeper, my eye’s see the darkness my body feels it sinking in
I begin to see that this is the end I never had a chance
I put my head down as my eye’s begin to close
A single tear falls for those beautiful blue eye’s that are so filled with love and I wish there was more I could do but again I have lost this endless battle I begun

Where do I begin?
   I don't know where to begin. So I'll start from the beginning. I am supporting my boyfriend to kick meth. We have awesome babies and we have been together for 11 years. Our trouble started when I found a container smoking in our garage. I knew what it was because of the so called friends that were hanging around. I was scared of the situation. I knew I was not going to allow this to go on. I called him at a buddies house and told him that I found it. He got so mad when I told him not to come home because I was calling the police. He was trying to talk me out of it but I knew if I did'nt I would be hurting us more. I had asked him several times before if he was on drugs. He always said know baby but he could never look me in the eyes. I noticed a lot of small things like we some doing things as a family. He lost a good and his appearance was looking bad. He was always up before me, when I would question him he would get mad. I knew him he was never up at 6a.m . I was always on him about some of the people who were stopping by. People I need were on it. I wanted to believe him so bad but I knew deep down something was not right. We were fighting more and more. The kids were even noticing that daddy was changing. He was moody. I hated to go to work because of the friends coming around. I guess I should get back to the point of this letter. When I called the law to come to remove the stuff from our garage, he got so mad. I come see the hate in his eyes for me. He was arrested and is now serving a 5 year prison. At first he was charged with 400 grams but less than 900 grams. He was also charged with child endangerment. They reduced the charge to 5 grams and child endangerment. What upset me most was the fact that one of his friends brought it to our garage to finish it. They waited until I fell asleep to go to the garage. When I woke up in bed alone I got up mad. Of course I found him down stairs with his buddy. I told him to get out and was not putting up with his crap anymore. He left and knew he left the stuff in our garage. I was so hurt and I did'nt understand why. I have asked myself over and over again. How did I not see this. I had to stay with my mom until I cleaned the house and garage from top to bottom. My kids are so confused. All they know is that daddy is gone. I have enrolled them in consuling and they are able to talk to someone other than me. My kids are smart and they know things are bad. My 5 year old is taking it the hardest. He acts out in anger. I try not to show them how stressed I am. They are misbehaving a lot but that's because their dad dealt with the bad behavior. It's a bad situation all the way around. I have kept in contact with their dad. I am all he has. I love him very much. I want him to get better so we can be a family again. I asked him what it is he wanted and his reply was a family. He said he screwed up bad and he is scared of getting right back into it. I told him not to be it but he and others have explained that it is not that easy. It will be a long recovery. I don't know where to begin because I have never been into drugs. I don't know how it feels to be high all the time. He told me he has been using for a couple of years and 9 months ago he started shooting up. How did I over look track marks? I had no clue. Will I ever trust him again? I want things back to normal and I want to be there for him. I can not talk to his mother because she only makes excuses for him. I want to hit her. I need to learn all I can about the drug and how to help him. He wants the help. His out date is in 2009 but he is attending a drug program in prison. That's a start. So I am trying to get used to all this computer stuff to send emails.
--chars

   My son is 36 years old and I'm worried sick that he is using meth again. He is single, no children and has lived on his own since he was 18 y.o. Three years ago we were blindsighted by the fact that he was a functioning addict. The whole situation came crashing down on the family when his father who was visiting him started seeing some big red flags. Someone came to the door and said they were interested in buying the house before it went into foreclosure. Our son hid this addiction from all us for 10 years. I have to say that after all this came out, his father and I looked back on previous years and can honestly say, we chose to ignore all the signs and bury our heads in the sand. We are divorced and when we saw behavior that was cool, distant and sometimes down right rude, we chose to blow it off as anger towards each of us because we divorced, we each went different ways in our life, on and on. I personally felt that my son was always angry with me, but because he was an adult, I would say something to him, but never pushed because I felt I didn't have the right to "reprimand" him as an adult. When we found out about his using, it was one week before his sister's wedding. His father, sister, future husband and myself, were the only ones that knew what was happening. We put one huge bandaid on the situation to get us through the wedding, his father made calls to the bank, wrote out a big check to keep the house from foreclosure and then made him show us all his financial affairs or should I say "financial disaster" he was in. Thank God his father had the means to bail him out, but now in hindsight, did we really do him a favor out of love or did we do the wrong thing. We all sucked it up for the wedding and then afterwards we all just cried and cried for days. Our son has a very good job that he has had for almost 20 years. We wanted him to check into a rehab center, he didn't want to because he said he would jepordize his job and that he would take care of the problem through an out patient clinic. To make this whole situation worse, I had already made all the arrangements with my current husband to retire after the wedding and move out of the country. We had sold our home, put everything in storage, etc. His father was staying with him through this time, but he was only with him because of our daughter's wedding, he was employed with a company that had him stationed out of the country also. We both rearranged all our plans to stay and help get our son back on the right track. You need to know that our son has always been the "perfect kid". Everyone loves him, he has a great personality, has always been very responsible, never caused us any headaches when he was growing up and has very high work ethics. We were going to tell the whole family what was going on and then we didn't. Our son said he was ready to stop this craziness, he promised he would clean himself up, he didn't want his grandmother and the rest of the family to know how badly he had screwed up his life. We talked and talked and talked and I went on with my plans, since this almost destroyed my marriage and his father went back to his job and took early retirement and moved back to where our son lives (his marriage immediately went on the rocks). After all that has been said, our son went to a few "meetings" and then said he was fine and he didn't need to go to group meetings. We were all constantly after him, "how are you doing", "do you have any urges to go back", are you sure you're o.k., you know you can always talk to us? We saw a big change in his demeanor, he never put his job in jepordy, he sold his house and moved to a different neighborhood. We had a confrontation about a year ago when his sister felt something was changing in him. I brought it to a head and it immediately made him defensive. He said he was feeling so good about himself, he was doing good and he was so upset that we didn't TRUST him. That put a lot of tension between us for a while. That passed, we went on with life and now his sister and father who live by him, tell me that they sense something again. What do we do? I don't want to be that parent that has buried their head in the sand and just look the other way, but then again, how do I bring up this concern again with my adult son. I don't want to push him away especially if he is not using. I feel so stupid now because as I look back on this, I don't know how someone kicks the habit overnight after using for such a long time. I am so angry with myself that I wasn't a better mother, but instead chose to continue on with my life and ignore the fact that we should of INSISTED he check into rehab. Then again, how do we do this, he's not a minor, we can't force him to do as we say. As I read my own letter, I see where we have probably been enablers. One thing that constantly nags at me is, what if we're wrong, what if we're reading something that isn't there? Help...please, any suggestions, advice will be so welcomed <cigar00@hotmail.com>. I live out of the country where there isn't really any type of a support group for me to attend. Thank you,
--Worried mom

milestones in sobriety
   My name is Damian. The first time I came across this site was when I first got out of treatment. That was when I had a total of 80 days clean. I've kept up the surrender. Ive kept going. I havent givin in to the temptation that is in my face everyday. By the time this is read, I would have passed my 1 year of sobriety. Ive thought about the last year quite a bit lately. I try to find what I did to make this far. I can't put my finger on any one thing. Prayer is my first line of defence when it comes to Crystal. I have my creator in my heart today. He is more powerful than this drug. He will see me through it all. Most of all I have paid attention. Attention to the outside world, for what I can take and what I can leave. Attetion to my world, for what I can give and share. Ive gone from sitting on the street corner with holes in my feet asking for money, to sitting in my drug den for days on end, having an OD, waking up in the same spot that I could have died in. playing the game that we all play to get our next hit. From there to here, I have changed. My attitude and my outlook on life. the world isnt out to get me anymore, Im out to get the world. There's only 1 voice in head today, it keeps me out of trouble. I do the best that I can through out the day to help others believe. When I pray, I pray for all of you, to find your way out. Nope, to find your way IN. Into your own heart. Because that is where you belong. Not on the street corner, not in the drug den, not fixing things that arent broken. Not in hospitals with foamy crap coming out of your mouth. Family. They deserve to know how you are doing, to see your face no matter how many scars are on it. To know that you are alive...barely. There is no more methin around with my life anymore. Ive had my "fun", it's time to help my creator and all his children. I am here.There is hope.  going_within@hotmail.com
--Damian

   i am a 32 year old mother. i used meth for seven years. for the longest time i thought that i had it under control. untill i found out that i was pregnant and did something that i thought that only horrible people did. i used.
   i quit for the first four months and then couldn't stop when i used "just once" i went to the doctor a grand total of four times. when i went to my first appointment i weighed 135, and at the end i weighed 136.
   when i gave birth i tested positive for meth at levels off the chart. they sent my other three children to live with their fathers and told me that they where going to take my baby into states custody. i begged and cried and told them that i would do anything if they wouldn't take her.the cps worker told me that if i went from the hospital to detox, that i could take her with me. i agreed and went into a detox facility.
   from there, i went to a residential rehabilitation program. i graduated that and continued into day treatment and also completed that.
   i now have 18 months of sobriety and my beautiful baby girl. i have contact with my children and they tell me that they are proud of me and we are very close.
   if this story hits home in any way, please get help. because you say that it could never be you, get help. because you love your children, get help. because you don't love yourself and don't even know that you can, get help. i am proof, and i see it in my baby's beautifull face every day. if you're reading this, it's not to late...yet.
--jen

   As I read these stories I realize that there are so many that have gotten sucked in to this Devil's drug. Do you realize that this is a plague? I believe it is a devil's plague and it is so out of control. If you are still a user and want out...please pray. If you were an ex-user and still battle the cravings...just pray...if you are a family member who has a loved one taken by this horrible drug...just pray. Long story short, because we all have a story to tell if we ever used this horrible drug. I was introduced to it once and fell in love with it. I, like many others, loved it more than my children of 3, my job of 20 years, my home...this drug took everything I had except my life. I've been clean for almost 10 months now after using for 1 1/2 years every day for 1 1/2 years. I had my children taken away from me because I couldn't even take care of myself. I'll skip all the stupid, ridiculous, insane crap I use to do, all the wasted hours, sleepless nights, tweaking days-absolutely horrible crap I pulled! We all know what that stuff has done to us...the scars that it has left on our bodies, the round pipe burns on my elbows, the scars on my legs from scabs. I'm happy because I have my 3 children back again and it is so wonderful. I'm sad because the dope man is serving time for dealing. I'm happy because I have a good job again today. I'm sad because I've lost my home. I'm happy because I can think straight today, I can hang on to things without losing them all the time. I wished I was never introduced to this crap. I never knew it would have taken me on such a journey and cost me so much. I hit the bottom and hit it hard! I wanted out. Let me leave you with this, if you are someone who has a loved one using and they don't want help...unfortunately you need to leave them alone and let them hit rock bottom. It's pretty sad to say but until they want the help there's nothing much you can do. If you are a user and want out, then let somebody know, you can get help. I stopped on my own, no help from clinics, hospitals. It was tough, but I conquered it. I still crave that stuff today, think about it, but when I look at what it's done to me, what it took from me and what I have today, I thank God because I could be locked-up. I was fortunate not to get caught with it. I should have been locked up. But to have my children and to look at them today, with them knowing I used, the day they were taken from me and given to their father because I couldn't raise them...it hurt so bad to see them suffer as a result of my own stupidity. We shouldn't be judged by our mistakes, we are humans, we are addicts. If we can simply stay away from anybody who uses today, disassociate ourselves from all bad, focus on our children (if you have any) realize where you have been and what you went through, get help, stay focused, take it one day at a time, but above all, focus on the good Lord up above, pray to him and let him guide you. You are loved
--LadieTQ

about being hooked on meth
   hello my name is virginia i am 19 years old and i first tried meth when i was 16 years old i live in a very southern town called damascus it is located in virginia next to tennessee the biggest portion of the people in this town is meth heads i never knew that i would have the problem that i develped when i started doing meth i didnt do it the first couple of years that i was around it but it eventually introduced itself to me i was afraid of it at first the way people acted and how they reacted to it when they would do it i have four uncles that are hooked on it and one of my aunts was busted with a meth lab she is now in jail one of my aunts died of a drug overdose and her 9 year old son woke up and found her she was 38 years old another one of my aunts is also dead and she died of a heart attack at age 30 i have a brother who was arrested for meth and a cousin who was arrested for buying meth ingredients to cook it and another cousin who is 16 and has started doing it the same age i was when i first tried it i also have another cousin who was arrested with my aunt who was his mother for manufacturing methamphetamine every one of these people that i have mentioned is hooked on meth but back to me this stuff is hell i remember the first time i done it it was cold outside in the month of october the first time i done it chills went up my arms i didnt go to bed for 5 days i didnt go home i did go to school although i was paranoid the whole time and in those 5 days the only time that i went home was when my mother was gone in the middle of the day to take a shower and change clothes i stayed gone the rest of the time i stayed in this guys basement and smoked it in a matter of 3 months i lost 40 pounds being big was always a complex of mine and i loved the weight loss it made me feel like i was somebody i have had bouts with bulimia and at that point all i had to do was have someone drive my tube and i wouldnt feel like eating a thing the first time i done it and i stayed up for 5 days i didnt eat a thing it got to where i had to force myself to eat at the time i thought to myself that is so great i look back at it and i think that was so crazy i was one of those many people who sat in that basement saying i wouldnt get addicted to this i know my limit i know when i should stop i have been around meth addicts for a while i can tell when i get too far out there on it my brother was the one who introduced me to meth he was a manager at a restaurant at the time four months after he started doing it he lost his job for embezzeling money that still didnt stop us when he got out a couple of months later since it was his first offense the first thing we thought of was going and getting a bag of go go fast and that is exactly what we done that was when i found out that the aunt that is now in jail for a meth lab first started doing it i look back at that time and i look at where she is now and it brings tears to my eyes she is 43 she had a coffee filter blow up on her a few days before she was arrested she put the red phosphorus in a blender with metal blades and it got too hot and it shot out all over her she now has burn scars all over her hands and legs my brother bought her ingredients and would break in to barns to steal iodine to give her and stolen goods to supply his habit my cousin done the same thing she got to where she would even cook it around her baby grandchildren and when they would ask her what she was doing she would tell them she was baking a cake crazy isint it? it got to where when her daughter found out about it she told my aunt that until she quit cooking meth and got herself straightened out she would not see her grandchildren anymore i got so hooked that when i had been up for 4 days one time i wanted it so bad that i chewed my lips until they bled but yet i still sit there and said i would never get hooked on it it took 2 and a half years to prove to me and make me realize that it was addictive but eventually it got its hooks into my heart in that 2 and a half years i got kicked out of school my junior year of high school for missing 40 days in one semester i quit my job where i worked and i slowly lost my sanity for a while i got to where i was afraid to go outside and i lived with my brother and he was dealing meth so the only people that i was around was everyone that was part of what i call the meth parade my brother would go into fits of rage and tear the whole house apart and get into literal fights with me trying to get me to buy pills to take to cook meth so he would get a poke to smoke and he would think i was smoking go fast behind his back which in fact i was and we would scream and fight about that because i wasnt smoking my stuff with him he would rage out and go through my bedroom go through my drawers pull my clothes out looking for money or drugs or a tube that had a few fog hits in it it was crazy he eventually got put in jail for selling it when he got put in jail for about a month after that i stayed strung out on it but i came to a conclusion i thought to myself its taken everything but me or the shell of me anyways and that is all that i have left i might as well try to do something i locked myself in the house for a month with curtains and towels over the windows and didnt talk to anyone but my mother she saw the sores on my back one time when she came to visit me at my brothers and she walked into the bathroom while i was taking a shower and saw the sores on my back she couldnt beleive it she asked me what was going on and she asked me if i had been going to school i lied and told her yeah but i really hadnt been i had black circles under my eyes i had towels covering all of the mirrors in my house i think she had a pretty good idea what was going on she was just to preoccupied at the time to get really in depth with it and i think she thought that it was just a phase and that it would go away eventually but it didnt not until my brother went to jail and my aunt went to jail for the meth lab after locking myself in the house for a month i finally managed to go outside it was so strange i looked at the world finally through different eyes i hadnt really been outside in a long time i have got a job now and a car and im getting ready to go back to school to be a social worker if anyone ever asked me if it was worth it NO NO ABSOLUTLY NOT IT HAS TORN ME AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY APART DO NOT EVER DO IT NO HIT OFF OF A TUBE OR A BAG OF GO GO FAST IS WORTH TRADING YOUR LIFE OR YOUR SOUL SO IF SOMEONE OFFERS TO DRIVE YOU A HIT OF A TUBE PLEASE SAY NO IT HURTS EVERY LUNG AND MIND AND BODY IT TOUCHES
--virginia

   I met my fiance a few years ago. We were good friends. He went to jail and I wrote him and visited him becuase I cared about him and I was away from my family and he was my friend. But to continue, his "abusive unstable chaotic and psychotic" relationship with his ex had alot more behind it than just her craziness. He asked me if he could move to be with me. I loved him. I said yes. he moved away from his son, away from his friends and family and away from meth. When he 1st moved in with me I was so excited. Everything seemed great because when you are "in love" everything always seems great. Within the 1st couple of months he had alot of "night terrrors" demons were after him they would hold onto him and I couldn't have him, he carved my initials into his chest when he was drinking, he was violent with men and had a short temper, he told me about his addict mother and said he was bi-polar, manic-depressive, blah blah blah. Well, I have a BS in psych I am finally enrolled for my Masters. So I bought it, I thought what have I gotten myself into? Well, after two months of living with me, his mother was coming from where she moved to clean up back to where she lived her whole life as an addict and I was going to meet her. I have never been around an addict. I had been around alcoholics, pot heads, and young drug users, but not drug addicts. Well, my fiance told me about his drug use prior to meeting his mother. He had shot up speed, alot, and was high as a kite "before he moved in iwth me" . I was in shock and naive and pretty much had no idea what exactly that meant. Well, his mother and her friends were all doing drugs and I was smoking pot with them and drinking beer in a drug house. Later that weekend, his mom died, OD'd with a sack of heroine in her hand and left behind a baby girl 10 years old. We had to go back to my home, because I had to get the time off work. She was supposed to be clean, but she came back to die. She was a 30 year heroine addict and did meth. We returned for the funeral and rented a hotel room. Pretty much my darling had to take care of his own mother's funeral at the age of 24 ( 1 1/2 yrs ago) because everyone was too messed up. He had a panic attack during this time in Vegas (everyone moved into our hotel room for the week) and I caught him in the bathroom lightig a lighter with a meth pipe/ bong in the bathroom- the pictures of him from this weekend- he looks dead- and still denies any use. Since then, I have moved back to my home state and he has alienated me from my family from time to time, but I get back eventually. He has tried to kill himself twice, and he has beat me when he was drinking twice- the last time 1 week ago. about a year ago I caught him in a bathroom stall buying drugs from someone- I just got an instant feeling on panik and went to the mens room. The stalls were only below shoulder length and I grabbed him and pulled him out of there. A couple of months ago one of our mutual friends was living in our shed and working construction with my fiance. At first, it was all good. I was treating this young 18 year old how to budget and I taught him how to grocery shop and buy cigarettes and save I thought I was helping him get on his feet. Well winter came, and construciton slowed down and all of a sudden we had didn't have enough money to pay the bills and this kid and my hunny were sleeping alot. This kid started laying on my couch with his gfriend when I had company over and was being inconsiderate- I fell into depression knowing nothing that was going on around me. Anyways, I went out to the shed he lived in one day- after all I worked hard to own my home at the age of 23! and found a box with a lock- I knew immediately- there was a pipe, a needle, a million q-tips. I cleaned out this punks shit! I told him when I met him that Lance could not be around it that he better not do it ( I think he was clean when we 1st met him and let him move in) and he said "he hated it" - they all say that- because they do hate it and themselves. I understand more now. My brother also messes with this shit and I know where it all goes now- DOWN FOREVER. My life isn't as extreme as these other cases, he doesn't leave for days at a time, he doesn't do those weird things anymore- like the 1st couple months, he doesn't stay awake all night and he eats regularily, but I have suffered. Being beaten by someone you care about for the 1st tiime put me in a depression for a year. This time I am mad and numb- 1 week ago and we haven't been "together" since. I want to marry this man, but I can't decide if he does or doesn't do meth behind my back. I want to beleive him, so to anyone out there who actually knows what this drug can do, has he stopped? I don't want to give anymore of my life to a lost cause and if he isn't a lost cause I want to give my whole life to him. I am smart and driven and not a fool, but always think I'm being fooled. If anyone has a strong opinion either way let me know.
--livinlovin@fastmail.fm

Nat
   Hi there, I am 24 years of age and have being doing Meth for 3 years. I used to be a professional model and I had such high expectations of myself and meth was not in the plan. I was a recreational user and eventually it grabbed me before I knew it. I thought I was in-control of my habbit or vice and would even look at other meth users and say how I would never get that bad. I truelly believed that I was enjoying a buzz that most couldn't handle and that if I ever became paranoid I would say "thats it" and give it up. It's funny how you can't see the ones you are hurting including yourself of course, until you hit a point (or rock bottom) before you realise what you had. I have lost my looks, my essence for life and as much as I try to overcome the side effects that I am left with it feels like the devil has already grabbed me. I am stronger than that though but what family and friends don't sometimes understand (or mine anyway) is that 90% of the time I am so positive and willing to TRY (which is a struggle everyday), the other part of me finds it so difficult and lonely to fight my own demons that I die a lil inside. I only wish I had someone that could understand me because I am truelly a kind and compassionate person but sometimes people can only see my outer layer or front that I put up. I will not go down by this drug, it has stripped me of everything that I loved in life and I have refered myself to a rehabilation centre and have been clean for 4 months. I moved country to get away from my bad lifestyle that I was living at the time and am left feeling empty and too afraid to let people such as old friends and even certain relatives know of this hurt in my life. I only wish to god that I never touched it and my message to all parents is to educate your children on the devastating realities that P and other mind altering substances cause. To all the new users out there, yeah it seems really fun and you almost feel like you gain such confidence that was missing from the picture, it hypes your life up and you believe that you are happy and positive. You feel very attractive in the beginning but let me tell you doll it doesn't take long for the opposite affects to rule you. IT IS A FALSE ILLUSION MY FRIEND & YOU ARE LEFT WITH DOUBT AND FEAR THAT KILLS YOUR SOUL.BELIEVE IN YOURSELF & YOUR ABILITIES THAT YOU WERE GIFTED WITH IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE THE DEVIL WILL TAKE IT ALL AWAY IN A SECOND WITH PLEASURE!(Harsh words but so black and white when you hit rock bottom). Love your self and your family and be their for anyone who needs love, after all it is love that concerrs ALL.
Because it is a new epidemic to New Zealand unfortantely if the government doesn't do something about this (a campaign is what we need) we will only learn through losing more family over time to see what a destructive and wicked drug it is. It has done enough damage to our people already. I am only glad that I have stopped when I did because hope and faith are now what carry me through my lonely journey. I can't wait for the day to find myself again and to blossom in the appreciation for the small things in life that really matter. GOD LOVES A TRIER!!
--Natalie

crystal meth the REAL innocents
   i sat here today reading story after story of crystal meth use and i was really sickened by the woe is me attitude of it's users. you want a real crystal meth story? i'll give you one. just make sure you're brave enough to sit through it all. does anyone even think about the poor children who dont get hugged or tucked in or even feel what the security of a home is all about. where toys are replaced by pipes and paraphenilia? do you even once give consideration to the mother ( or father ) who cant pay the rent or the phone bill or buy her baby diapers because someone selfish enough to think drugs are so cool took what belonged to his family and stuck it in his pipe? what about the bad credit and the humiliation of never being able to give your children the neccesities of life. not to mention the danger of sexually transmitted diseases those users like to bring home. anyone consider that? we live in an informed society. we all go to school together, we walk the same streets we shop at the same stores. we all have our little horror stories of childhood abuse and neglect. but we did not ask for this. when you do crystal meth, you do it with your eyes wide open. you know the risks you've heard the stories. you know when you use you are selling your talents and your goals and your mind and your very soul. you knew that before you smoked that first pipeful. and you knew you were throwing your very children in the gutter. you knew it, and you thought it just wouldnt happen to you. but we did not ask for this. we did not make that same desicion that you did. we arent better, we all have the same information. you wanna do meth ( or any other drug for that matter ) than go that route alone. you know what you're doing and you know where you're going. you are not a victim. your family is. that's where the love and hugs and understanding and funding should be going. set these families free. show mercy on them. and stick the users on an island by themselves and give them all the drugs they want. i worked for everything i have. i am proud of that, and i am horrified to know that one user took it upon himself to take it all away from his own wife and family. and then think it was oh so very cool to take his son down the same road. grow up and start facing the world like the person you were meant to be. and for those who know some "real" innocent victims of the drug wars - i plead with you to smile and reach out to those who really need your help,
-- jearldean

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