My story
    I had a pretty normal childhood, family of 6, 1 brother and 2 sisters. We regularly attended church until I was about 14 or 15. Around that time, my Mom made some bad decisions and eventually left my Dad when I was 17. When she did she left my brother and me with him. I didn't have a close relationship with my Dad at that time but my Mom was moving into a small trailer and didn't have room for all 4 of us kids so that was the decision she made I came home and she was gone, along with my 2 sisters. I did not even find out where she had moved until the following Christmas. My Dad was very bitter about my Mom and took it out on my brother and myself. We got into it one night about me skipping school and he took me to her trailer and dropped me off. Her response was "I don't know where you're going to sleep. Be home by 10:00 or don't come home at all." So I was 17 and my life changed from strict rules and a curfew to all night drinking, keg parties, and pot smoking binges with my ex husband.
    My ex and I moved in together after high school and my Dad was embarrassed that we were living together unmarried and told me I should marry him and make things right. So I did. I became pregnant at the age of 19 and quit partying at that time. I was then the co-dependant one. I knew one of us had to keep it together for my son's sake. I tolerated his drinking binges for a few years, finally had enough of the drinking, lies, and cheating and divorced him. Ironically, once we divorced I started partying, going to clubs, smoking weed and even was introduced to cocaine and crystal meth. During that time, my son's Dad wouldn't have anything to do with him and my son would cry for his Daddy. It was so horrible seeing my child in that much pain and knew that I had to get back with His Dad…..not only for the reason that I wanted my son to have a relationship with his Dad but also because I knew I was a better mother when I was with his Dad. At least I could focus all my attention on trying to fix him. I wouldn't have to be so worried about numbing my pain. It was miserable living with someone I didn't love and had absolutely nothing in common with and God was not first in my life so I didn't turn to Him to save my marriage. So we eventually divorced again.
    After the second divorce history repeated itself. It started with clubbing during my son's weekends with his Dad. Eventually, I started going to the club with a guy that smoked pot regularly and did crystal meth on occasion. One day I was at my buddy's house and the crystal meth dealer was there. He started giving it to me free all the time and would meet me anytime I called just to hang with me for a little while and give me some more meth. I knew his intentions and he did get me hooked on the drug.
    Once I was hooked I would move from dealer to dealer and play the getting it free card as long as I could without having to sleep with them. I then began selling it in order to get it. I was still able to hold down a job and do it pretty regularly until I met a girl who sold it and had tons of connections. I became so strung out during the time I was friends with her that I lost my job. One night a friend of hers called and we decided to go to Tunica together and party for the night. We dropped a bunch of extasy, drank beer, smoked meth all night, then hooked up with a couple of other friends of his. The next night, the two guys were cooking meth in my garage. They asked me to take them to Mississippi the next day to pay on some fines and told me they would give me a 6 disk CD player for doing it. On the way to MS, we stopped at Walgreens in Memphis and the guys bought pills. Once we arrived at the court house in MS, one of the guys met some other people who handed him batteries and he placed them under the drivers seat of my car. He went in the court house and was brought out in hand cuffs. He was setting his friend up but I got caught in the mix. The cops also found a bunch of meth stuffed in my back seat, so I was arrested, spent 3 days in jail, since it was a weekend, and charged with the possession charge of crystal meth as well as 2 or more precursors with intent to manufacture. The guy with me blamed it all on me since it was my car and we were both charged. I didn't know it but both guys already had felony charges for manufacturing meth. I had definitely let myself get to a point that was so bad that I was associating with anyone to get my drugs.
    My parents showed up to get me and I cried all the way home. I was so ashamed. I had been in the jail for 3 days which was long enough to come off the meth and think about all I had done…the horrible mother I had become, which was the most painful thing in the world to me. I love my son. He is the world to me. I knew I had been a horrible mother for the past 2 years. I got clean for a couple of months, got more involved in church and met a guy who also had previously done meth but was supposedly trying to get clean. We still continued to drink beer a lot and smoked pot every now and then, then one day he brought home some meth. It was back on then. I became pregnant by him and thought I was in love with him, but think I really just wanted someone to love me.
    Once he found out I was pregnant, he suggested I have an abortion. I told him I would never do that and he left 3 days later. I haven't seen him since. I realized he never loved me and I was pregnant with his child and it was the most painful experience of my life. Again, I felt abandoned, unworthy of love and that night stuck a needle in my arm for the first time. I wanted to die and didn't care. I then became a junkie. I didn't care about anything else except getting my next fix. After a couple of months of shooting up almost daily, I had the abortion. I was so out of it, I barely remember the experience. I had also taken several Xanax just trying not to feel. I continued to shoot up for the next month or so and was surfing the web one night. I came across a Christian dating site and thought I just need to find a good guy that would be a positive influence on me and not cause the pain that I had to deal with in previous relationships due to drugs and alcohol. I did end up meeting an older fellow that was leading a Bible study. I got involved and I received an email and God spoke to my heart through it. It had the prayer of salvation at the end. I remember praying, God I feel like I'm saved but just in case, please come into my heart.
    I dropped to my knees next to my computer and begged him to help me. Within the next couple of days, my utilities were shut off. I was behind on my house payments. Again, I cried out to God again to help me. Right after praying my Dad called. I was crying and told him my utilities were shut off and he came and picked me up and paid my electric bill. That way my son didn't have to come home to a cold house with no lights. I did eventually lose my house but over the next month I got another job, saved up enough for a months rent and deposit and moved into a condo. I had also lost my car so my Dad sold me one of his vans for $1000.. God began blessing me immediately. He laid It on my heart to switch churches. For years, I had went to the church my Dad went to for the wrong reasons, either for my son or cause I wanted my Dad to think I was doing O.K. and not know I was on drugs again. I connected with other Christians my age. I absorbed myself in God's word. I couldn't get enough of it. For 4 years, I didn't date, I focused on my relationship with God and my son and it was the most peaceful time of my life. I had the joy of the Lord. I was on fire for Him. I taught a college Sunday school class and was a member of a refocus team at church which was a committee that made decisions for the church and was at church every time the doors were opened. I was definitely a "Jesus Freak" and loved telling my testimony about how God had changed my life. The church eventually had to shut down due to finances and I then began going to a larger church.
    My son was getting older and was getting tired of sitting around spending time with Mom all the time so I thought I'd try to meet some new friends as I hadn't really connected with anyone from this other churchl yet. I thought I might be ready to date again and created a myspace page and met my current husband. Our first date was at church. We IM'd on the computer a lot and talked about our pasts and both had histories of addictive behavior which made it easier to understand each other, but I had no idea how to date sober. I was used to drinking beer to get to know someone. Our second date was at a club. Shortly after, drugs were re-introduced into my life again, and the alcohol caused loss of inhibition and next thing I knew I was right back where I was. I became a junky again. My husband and I both wanted to do the right thing. God was dealing with both of us and things weren't the same as before. I couldn't enjoy the partying. It was miserable. I was constantly under conviction, but didn't know how to break free. Celebrate Recovery was started and we began going to the meetings. For the first couple months of the program I was letting my husband go early to the meeting and shooting up right before I came. I was so miserable. It was a dark, sad existence because my sin was separating me from God and He is the only one who can give me the peace and joy that I had once experienced. He dealt with me through CR and I was begging him to help me stop but couldn't. The meth had a hold on me and I couldn't quit. One day, I was driving and had a horrible car accident. My seatbelt was broken and I should not have even lived, but God had his hand in it. He was right there with me in that vehicle holding onto me, loving me, rescuing me once again.
    I was in horrible pain but was unable to go get the meth. I came to CR the following Sunday with dried blood in my hair, looking a mess, but proclaiming, "Praise the Lord I am clean" God gave me a way out. He answered my prayer. He has restored me. He has forgiven me. I'm still dealing with consequences from my actions, but I praise the Lord for that wreck. I never want to go back to that horrible dark existence again. He gave me a way out, and I'm still walking, talking, and alive. I praise Him for that. The only way I can live my life with joy and peace is knowing that I'm a new creation. I'm not the person I once was. When I had that time of relapse, it destroyed my testimony. It's impossible to witness to others when the sin is separating us from God. I felt too guilty. Satan loves to destroy our testimony. 1 Peter 5:8 tells us to be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. We CAN NEVER become prideful thinking we're not capable of relapsing because we're only 1 drink away. I'm living proof after 4 years of sobriety, being a leader in my church, I relapsed thinking I could just drink and be O.K. I have relapsed enough to know that drinking and smoking pot reduces my inhibitions and when the meth is in front of me I know my flesh is weak and I I'll be right back where I was.
    So, in summary, I have committed murder, I have stuck a needle in my arm (many times), I have had times of being a horrible mother, but the great news is God has wiped it clean. When He looks at me He doesn't even see that sin, He sees His child because the blood of Jesus covers me. I am forgiven. It feels so good. I thank Him for CR, for a husband that loves me and is working on his sobriety just like me, and for God being the God of restoration. He is truly awesome. It doesn't matter what I've done or what anyone else has done, He is faithful. His word is true. He loves me and He loves you. 1 Cor 10:13 says, No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man; and God is faithful. He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear, and when you are tempted, He will provide a way of escape, so that you will be able to endure it. Pay attention, God will always provide a way out. Once we accept Him as our personal Savior, we have the Holy Spirit. So once we're saved, we have our flesh, which is naturally evil in nature and we also have the Spirit. The side that wins is the one we feed the most. If we surround ourselves with Christians and read our Bible and pray we feed the Spirit, If we surround ourselves with non-Christians and get away from church and quit spending time with the Lord we feed our flesh and we can relapse and be right back where we were. I'm living proof. I know that it is one day at a time and some days are a struggle and some days I'm able to witness to someone or spend time with my Christian brothers and sisters and those are some of the best days of my life. I'd like to close with my favorite scripture Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future. I have a future and as long as my focus is on God rather than myself and I know that no matter what He holds me in the palm of His hand. The hairs on my head are numbered. He knows everything about me and still loves me. I praise Him for that.
--Kim