Hi! My name is Kathy. I am the mother of 3 grown children, and the grandmother of 3 little ones.I am 50 years old, and my husband is 51. I always thought that I might have to go through something like this with my kids or grandkids, but not with my husband.I thought he was too smart to get involved with something like meth.Boy, was I wrong!
   I had suspected for a while that my husband was using, but I thought it was just pot, or maybe crack cocaine.Then one evening as I was getting ready to take a bath and go to bed, there came a knock on my door.There stood the methamphetamine task force, who said that they had had a tip that there was an illegal meth lab on the property, and they asked if they could come in and look around. I stepped aside and let them in.They looked around and commented on what a nice home we had, and then they took a short tour of the house, opening cabinets and drawers, but they didn't linger long in the house.They then asked my husband to show them to the detached garage / workshop at the rear of our property. Well, what do you think they found there ,but the components of a meth lab!
   I was outraged at my husband and wouldn't bail him out of jail, my stepson did, however.Since then I have removed my head from the sand, and even though he still has not admitted that he is a user, I have obtained undeniable proof to the contrary by helping myself to a hair sample as he slept.To make a long story short, I am now faced with whether or not to divorce him, cut my losses and run, or hang around and watch him destroy everything we have worked for for so long.....
--cc

Fear of Change
   My name is Amy, and I am a recovering drug addict/alcoholic, with almost 2 years of complete sobriety...........I have had many highs and lows in my addictions, but none ever as painful and mentally debilitating, as my meth use. I did it for 6 years and never thought I would recover from what it did to my life, but I have made amazing changes in my life since I stopped using it. Recovery is possible!!!
   I have been doing alot of writing and am sending you some of it. Its just an example of what it was like, what happened, and what its like now. With attitude of gratitude,
--Amy

   It is amazing, the pain and suffering we put ourselves, and others through, to resist changes in our lives. Some of us fear failure, and some of us fear success as a result of change. At different times in my life I think I feared both.
   I stayed in a relationship for far longer than I should have, out of fear of failure. I was so dependent on my husband, I had given him so much power and control of my my thinking, that when he told me I was a terrible mother I believed him. When he told me I was crazy, I believed him. When he told me I was a whore I believed him. When he told me I deserved to lay in the gutter and die,......................I believed him.
   I stayed. I didn't have a ounce of self respect left, but I stayed. And every night I waited for him to come home. Sometimes no electricity or heat, barely anything to eat, house falling apart around me. No longer competent to care for my children. I waited for him to come home, not realizing that my life was in danger. The fear I felt was so misdirected. I had been conditioned to believe that my gut instincts were all lies. It was all in my head. Was I really crazy? The drugs I was doing certainly helped make me crazy.
   But I just couldn't believe, that the man I had spent 20 yrs of my life with, would knowingly want to hurt me..........................But I hadn't realized how crazy the meth had made him too.
   While we were in a drunken stupor, he had nearly beat me to death years before, but I would take that beating again over what happened in Arizona. Physical wounds heal and I can only remember bits and pieces of what had happened before. But I remember everything from what happened this time. Everything he said to me, every punch and kick as I layed on the ground. Feeling the hair rip out of my head as he held my down in his truck, and told me I was dead. Screaming as he drove like a mad man down cave creek road towards the dessert. He said he was going to kill me, and I believed him. I also believed I was getting what God wanted for me. I was worthless. I was no longer wanted a a wife so how could I be a mother to our kids? I was no longer of value to anyone. His new girlfriend would mother my kids so what good was I ? I would never be able to amount to anything without him.
   I believed everything he said, because he was my higher power. I fought away all these gut feelings that humans have to protect us from harm and there I was facing the devil himself. I survived that ride in the dessert with a fractured elbow, but I didn't want to be a survivor. I still believed all the things my higher power told me, and I was more comfortable being a victim. That was the easier, softer way for me. My spirit was dead and I was so empty. All I was about, was what had happened to me. How would I ever get over it?
   It was impossible. I would never be the same, ever. I would never be a mother like I was to the kids. I had let them down, and I would never be able to take back the neglect they endured, because of my incompetence. I was also a coward. And that allowed the man I once loved to get away with what he put me through. He went to jail, but I was to afraid to make him pay for what he did to me, so he was let loose to rule over me again. Of course his version of what happened is far different. He NEVER wanted to kill me.
   I was making way to much out of what happened because I was crazy. There comes that struggle with what to believe again. My gut instincts?............Or his gospel? The nightmares came.................They came alot. It was hard because I know now that God was there with me all along, but I had yet not reconciled my relationship with him, and my heart was still closed. I could not accept the changes in my life, even though I had been physically removed from harm, I was still emotionally trapped. I was a prisoner of my own mind and that meant I was still in alot of danger. I continued to do drugs and alcohol, because I had every excuse in the world to do so. Who wouldn't want to self medicate after all I had been through. To me it was logical, and understandable. It would also help to keep me a victim.....................And everything that was my life had been stripped away. I was too sick to believe I could take care of myself and certainly the kids were better off without me. For a long time I was stuck on wanting to know why. Why has this had to happen?
   It baffled me to believe that one minute I was there tucking my kids in bed every night, driving my girls to school everyday, and taking pride in the things my husband and I shared together, and now its all gone. Why didn't we stop it? I wanted to wish it all away. I was so sick, that even after everything I went through, if I could have wished it all away, and settled back into my husbands good graces, I would have. I was grieving....................I was grieving terribly and still didn't have the ability to ask god to help me. This meant I would have to burn alot of bridges and also hurt and worry alot of people.
   I really became all those things I was taught I would become. Self-centeredness ruled my every thought and action as I continued to do drugs and alcohol, and fail at every opportunity to better myself. I began to fear success because I still didn't believe I was worthy of it. I became very self destructive, and at the height of my Chrystal meth use, was pretty much homeless and alot of the time wandering the streets of Phoenix, AZ. sometimes I would walk for miles, with really no place to go. My feet would be filled with blisters, and although I NEVER resorted to prostitution, was mistaken for one, by men passing by in cars. I would start screaming at them and acting crazy, so they would leave me alone. I became really good at setting myself up to be hurt again and again by my husbands rejection. I was so delusional that all I wanted was to go home, even though he had another woman living there. After pressuring him to move her out, I decided I wasn't going to wait anymore. After several days with no sleep, and getting high, I decided I was going to walk the 12 miles from where I was staying to where I once shared a home with my family.
   I was crying and pleaded with him to let me come back home. Needless to say nobody there was glad to see me. The police were called, and I ran screaming away from the only life I knew. I really wanted to die. I began eating the 2 bottles of pills that I had in my purse that were meant to help me sleep. Very soon after, I layed myself down on the hot sidewalk and drifted off. The pain was to much to bare...................I have never felt so alone as I did that morning. A Phoenix police officer found me, and called an ambulance. I struggled to let them help me, but had very little fight left in me as they shoved a tube down my throat to pump my stomach. As they closed the ambulance doors to take me away I heard the very kind officer who found me, say "I love you Amy" .............................Part of me believed that I was hallucinating, but I also believe it was the voice of God. He knew what I needed to hear at that moment.
   I was brought to the emergency room, and my appearance gave them every reason to believe I was a prostitute. I was dirty and the bottom of my feet were covered with blisters from walking so much. I hadn't eaten or slept in several days. They struggled to get information from me as I drifted in and out consciousness. I remember being asked who should have power of attorney, in the event I would no longer be able to speak for myself. The only answer I could give them was my husband. I still was not ready to let him go as my higher power. Even after all he did to reject and hurt me I still couldn't let go. It was surely the definition of insanity.
   I had no place to go.........................I remember being released from the hospital and having no idea what to do or where to go. I was so torn. My children were here, but I could not be with them. my parents and siblings were to far away in Wisconsin,to be able to help me. I was so alone.........................Why? Why has this happened to me?
   It has been a long and scary road to acceptance, but I did make it, and know now that God has been there with me all along. When did things change for me?.............................When I stopped asking God, Why? I was beating a dead horse. Knowing why, doesn't change circumstances and almost never changes how we react to them.
   When I stopped asking why, I was able to have a spiritual awakening. God became my back seat driver everywhere I Go. At first, it was hard for me to go from point A to point B without stopping somewhere I shouldn't. But God needs us to do the footwork, so I started praying every time I got in my car. Living in my home town of Stoughton was not easy. The desire to go to the bar was very hard to resist. What was I missing in my life that I would find there?...............................It only caused more problems for me. I couldn't keep a job and managed to get into trouble way too easy, in order to feed my drug addiction. So I prayed.............All the time. And I relapsed alot, but I still prayed.
   Three months after I came back to Wisconsin, I went to jail for possession of cocaine. I spent 60 days in jail, fearing extradition to Az, Where I was on probation for another possession charge. How did it come to this? I the course of 5 years, I went to jail at least 10 times for petty drug charges, and not complying to conditions of probation. This time was different for me though. I remember feeling a sense of relief. And instead of asking god to get me out of it, I prayed for acceptance for whatever was going to happen.
   If I have learned anything in the last few years, it's that praying for acceptance rather than praying for a different outcome IS the easier, softer way. If we cannot accept the changes in our lives, we will never grow to our full potential..........................I had no idea what I was capable of. Now that I have the foundation that faith has given me and the clarity that came with my sobriety I have the ability to free myself from my painful past everyday by simply asking god to take it from me, and he will if I am willing to let it go. I also possess three things, that I lived a very long time without; Respect for myself. Respect for others. Responsibility. With respect for myself, I will NEVER allow another person to treat me like a doormat, physically hurt me, or control my destiny. Self respect also reminds me that my gut instincts are not lies. I can trust myself and believe my own feelings and know that they are mine to use if I need to in an appropriate way. Trusting myself also helps me to trust God. With respect for others, it is no longer "all about me" and I can get outside of myself. Having other people to consider when making decisions, helps me make the best decisions, and aware of my common sense. It makes me a better friend, parent, co-worker, and role model.
   With responsibility I stay grounded in a positive way. I have something to strive for everyday, can set goals for myself, and achieve them, and have developed confidence I didn't have before. It also helps me set a good example for my kids and earn respect from them and others in my life. With that,.....................I am so very grateful for the changes in my life. I have many new great loves and I am no longer afraid.....................Thank God.
--Amy

Hear me speak, don’t turn your cheek. I am here, please see my tear. My heart is wide, so why do i hide?
Alone in the dark and i was left with a shark.
I’m your dirty little stain, and yet you keep me on a chain. I’m paranoid and schitzed but not afraid of my death, scandalous and dishonest, but loyal to my meth.
I’m sick with disgust, and no one i trust.
By one single white line and now my souls entwined.
Deep in a shell from a wicked demons spell.
The evils unleashed like a rapid fire. Huge and strong. Everyone’s hypnotized by the desire to belong.
I did not invite this shame, and did not willingly play his game.
This came to me cause i was finally accepted you see.
It was disguised as fun and this was how his victory was won.
Now i’m drowning in guilt for the drug addiction i built.
Surrounded by filth and slime, being nieve was my only crime.
Someone help me overcome and tear down stone walls. So once again i can stand tall.
Preach this testimonial of despair to all that will hear, so hopefully i can save someone from reliving my hopeless fear.

--Misty 2-26-2007