October 2008 Methamphetamine Stories and Letters of Methamphetamine Abuse

Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents

alright. since i enjoy so much and feel better from reading everyone elses meth stories, i suppose i should write my own. as i sit here eating my little tweaker dinner of crackers n cheese, breakfast sausage, chocolate, and beer, i am just barely starting to feel somewhat human after a gnarly week of on/off tweaking that ive had. im doing pretty great compared to my legendary week-long runs i used to go on with whoever wanted to join in on my one way road to complete insanity.. always ending up about 20 pounds lighter, a few anxiety attacks under my belt, and left with a feeling of utter hate for myself. fun, right?!! yeeeah, no. im a different sort of tweaker, i guess id have to say... but then again, it can happen to anyone... you never know what drug is going to float your boat until you do it. and trust me, i have done them all. im one of those sickos that thinks crack tastes great, enjoys having coke-railing contests with my buddies seeing who can do the longest line the quickest ("lets have a race!") and has never had any problem or fear of seeing what a combination of ohh, lets say, ketamine, E, mushrooms, nitrous and coke can do to my body, all at the same time! those have all been ideas of a good time for me thruout the years... and i just turned 23. i have loved doing drugs of any kind since i was 13. i used to be a model.. i am a professionally trained dancer.. not that any of that matters when it comes to being a drug addict. i thought i could deal with any drug, with any pseudo-addiction that came my way... i was intensely addicted to oxycodone (roxicets) for a year or so, got off of those painfully but successfully, did coke everyday for two years, stopped without a hitch, etc etc.. i really honestly thought that i was good to go when it came to addiction, im not an addict, i can HANDLE my drugs you pussies! ha. what a fucking joke. crystal meth showed up one day and swept me off my feet, cinderella-style! almost immediately i knew everything i thought i knew about myself and drugs was all bullshit. i pretty much knew i was about to self-destruct in a whole new way, and i went for it headfirst. being a pretty girl is one of the most ridiculous things to combine with being a drug addict. it makes the chase for drugs so much more shifty.. god forbid i spend a dollar on getting high! not that i had any money anyways. life became a constant hustle and facade to creep on ppl for their drugs. before i knew it i was living in other peoples hotel rooms, surrounding myself with idiots i could barely stand to be around, just so i could smoke all their drugs. then id have an anxiety attack and leave, and either drive around aimlessly, waiting for someone to want to hang out (which they never did by this point, because i had become creepy and needy and desperate) or consider the hellish idea of going home and braving the walk thru the door, to my loving mother and her husband, who wondered why i only showed up at home once every two weeks or so, if that. to this day, theres nothing that makes me feel guiltier and like a bigger piece of shit tweaker, than the fact that my mother is so great and awesome and tolerant of me. what an impressive daughter ive been to her these last 6 months. if she only knew. im sure she does, in her own way... 6 months! its insane to think thats all its been since i met the new love/hate of my life, tweak! as a frequent, assorted drug user for the last 10 years of my life, having done all of them in extremes, im ashamed at how crystal meth has grabbed me by the proverbial balls. i really thought i could handle anything. theres nothing more frustrating than waking up after a few days/weeks of not using it, to a dream of you blowing the perfect cloud of meth smoke, as you wake up.... ill go for days of it never leaving my mind, and ill have to do it just to fucking stop thinking about it. since i started doing it, ive smoked out with my auntie, of all people, while her kids (my lil cousins) were right outside the door... hung out with people and in places that you would think only exist in horror movies.. robbed innocent people and laughed about it... disappeared on my family and friends with no explanation for months at a time... stole friends boyfriends... gotten tattoos in hotel rooms with surely dirty needles... turned others into drug addicts... and completely lost my mind in the process, quite a few times. did i mention i have chronic bronchitis, and sometimes lose my voice for months at a time? smoking meth is my twisted preference. and you know what, i still do it... i dont know when or how i will ever NOT want to do it. i hope to figure that out someday soon. i hope someone learns something from this long shpeel of mine... i want people to read from an addicts point of view, and try and somehow understand that as addicts, we are hopelessly self-serving and are not sure how to be any other way, although we wish we could be.. your pain is an endless source of our torture, and the only way we know how to feel better is by doing more drugs. sounds stupid right? thats cause it is. and for that we are sorry.
--erika

   Twenty-four years ago is when it started. I was working 14hrs. a day, going to college, a baby on the way and a promotion put me over the top. I was draggin’ ass one morning at work and a truck driver I knew(now dead from a drug overdose) offered me a “pill” to boost me up. That was the beginning of the end of my normal life. You would think alarms would go off or sirens would sound off because of all I had heard about drugs. I was a 4.0 student in High School, drank a little to be social at parties, and drove a cool car. My parents were the best in the world and I had a great relationship with them but I still didn’t realize what was going to happen.
    I soon found out that a little “crank” was a quick wake up call after a night spent partying. Then I found out every night crew guy was already doing this to stay up all night for work. Then my boss kept giving it to me so I would perform better. Before you knew it I was doing an eight ball every two weeks, then I was selling, then I was watching my wife and son move away, then I was moving to a new life over and over again for about 15 years. That whole time I was a functioning addict. I always had a job, always had money(except near the end), and usually got away with the lies about everything in my life.
   I finally decided it was time to quit again and clean up my life. I got transferred to a small town far from my “friends” and it got much harder to score so it got easier to slow down. At this point in my life I had been doing meth for about 14 years. Wow it went by fast. I met someone who reminded me of me before drugs. She was wonderful. I discovered a life without drugs and loved it. It was a couple years before it got serious and we moved in together. The last time I was high was when we moved to a new town. I was tired for a couple months. Not to adventurous and downright Cranky sometimes. I finally came clean after all this and told her everything. I mean everything from day one 15 years ago. Scared the crap out of me because I was so happy now and afraid to lose her. I promised I was done and we went on from there. I’ve kept my promise and now have a relationship and life very few are lucky enough to have. A loving wife and three great kids(one from my previous marriage who is grown and just finished his second tour in Iraq as well as happily married). I’ve been clean for 8 years now and looking forward to the rest of my life. I still have 2 friends who do Meth but they live far away. We have an understanding-you do it around my family and it’s the last time we’ll be there. I’ve been an example for others of my friends who are clean now but having a tougher time of it because they couldn’t just move away and leave it all behind. It’s still there for them whenever they see their friends and that’s tough. The only way I could do it was by making Meth inaccessible. I had to leave all my friends and family behind but they understand now. I was lucky to have my wife-couldn’t have survived without her love.
I try and help people I see who are capable of quitting, but I still don’t dare get too close because I am scared of being near an addict like I was. You lie, cheat, and steal-I did. I’ve gotten my best friend to quit and stay clean for 5 years-maybe that’s all I can do but sometimes I try to help others by talking and hoping they see a different life is possible . Good luck to all who are unlucky enough to try Meth-It’s a definite mistake
--John

Hello, I just wanted to e-mail you regarding an occasional user: yes, its possible to be an occasional user.
my BF & babies dad is a user. he starting using just once a month now its every other weekend, its horrible.
he can be such a great guy when he not using. he had a good job that paid well, now he doesnt even work.
he wants to get help, when he is coming down, he cries to me saying that he wants to get clean, but of course never goes to rehab. he is gone for the whole weekend. he leaves me alone with the kids from fri unil mondays.
when i get home he is sleeping. he started off as an occasional user to using every other weekend. I hate him & his addiction.
as everyone knows addiction ruins lives. it cause you to lose your family,job, friends (friends that are good influenes to you), your home (apt), car, health insurance,wife, girlfriend, etc.
with love for the families of an addict,
--JA

   Hi...I was doing some web searches on meth and found your site--and I thank everyone who works hard to try getting this information out there to people. I'm a court reporter who has worked in the freelance arena for 21 years (civil lawsuits), but I just took a job in the Utah State court system as an official reporter and now I do first-degree felony cases, many involving drugs, and also parental termination trials, also involving parents who lose their children due to drug use. So now my eyes are being opened to drugs and their effects on people.
   I'm lucky enough to have lived my life totally clueless about drugs or where I'd even get them if I wanted to, so I don't need help, but I do have some information that might be helpful for people at risk of losing their teeth due to meth. I almost hate to offer this, because there could be some "fence-sitting" meth users who might see this as an opportunity to keep their teeth and still use meth, but I'll pass this on to you anyway and you can do what you want with it.
    My best friend is a dental hygienist who has educated me about the benefits of Xylitol, a natural sugar that is now used in some chewing gums, like Trident that uses it along with Sorbitol, or there are all-Xylitol gums that can be bought in health food stores or on line. Xylitol is derived from birch trees or corn cobs and is a sugar with 5 carbon atoms per molecule instead of 6, which somehow makes it impossible for bacteria to feed on it. And when they can't eat, they die. (You can do Internet searches and verify all of this information, by the way. Trident and other companies put out some excellent information on medical double-blind placebo studies that have been done, such as the ones studies on children in Finland and Kuwait in the recent past.) Chewing gum also increases salivation, which helps wash away the toxins (acids) from the bacteria that are feeding on the sugars that have attached to teeth.  It is know that Xylitol is actually GOOD for teeth; when chewed several times a day it can actually help strengthen teeth by allowing calcium to build up the enamel when the bacteria and acids are not present. Of course, regular tooth brushing and flossing are very necessary to maintain dental health, which apparently meth users don't care about, so this may all be a moot point.
   Anyway, for what that's worth...I guess if a meth user were to chew a whole pack of Xylitol gum each day it might help their teeth, but again, if they don't care about eating or taking care of their kids or anything else, this bit of advice is probably worthless. Thanks for your web site
--Vicky

   Twenty-four years ago is when it started. I was working 14hrs. a day, going to college, a baby on the way and a promotion put me over the top. I was draggin’ ass one morning at work and a truck driver I knew(now dead from a drug overdose) offered me a “pill” to boost me up. That was the beginning of the end of my normal life. You would think alarms would go off or sirens would sound off because of all I had heard about drugs. I was a 4.0 student in High School, drank a little to be social at parties, and drove a cool car. My parents were the best in the world and I had a great relationship with them but I still didn’t realize what was going to happen.
    I soon found out that a little “crank” was a quick wake up call after a night spent partying. Then I found out every night crew guy was already doing this to stay up all night for work. Then my boss kept giving it to me so I would perform better. Before you knew it I was doing an eight ball every two weeks, then I was selling, then I was watching my wife and son move away, then I was moving to a new life over and over again for about 15 years. That whole time I was a functioning addict. I always had a job, always had money(except near the end), and usually got away with the lies about everything in my life.
    I finally decided it was time to quit again and clean up my life. I got transferred to a small town far from my “friends” and it got much harder to score so it got easier to slow down. At this point in my life I had been doing meth for about 14 years. Wow it went by fast. I met someone who reminded me of me before drugs. She was wonderful. I discovered a life without drugs and loved it. It was a couple years before it got serious and we moved in together. The last time I was high was when we moved to a new town. I was tired for a couple months. Not to adventurous and downright Cranky sometimes. I finally came clean after all this and told her everything. I mean everything from day one 15 years ago. Scared the crap out of me because I was so happy now and afraid to lose her. I promised I was done and we went on from there. I’ve kept my promise and now have a relationship and life very few are lucky enough to have. A loving wife and three great kids(one from my previous marriage who is grown and just finished his second tour in Iraq as well as happily married). I’ve been clean for 8 years now and looking forward to the rest of my life. I still have 2 friends who do Meth but they live far away. We have an understanding-you do it around my family and it’s the last time we’ll be there. I’ve been an example for others of my friends who are clean now but having a tougher time of it because they couldn’t just move away and leave it all behind. It’s still there for them whenever they see their friends and that’s tough. The only way I could do it was by making Meth inaccessible. I had to leave all my friends and family behind but they understand now. I was lucky to have my wife-couldn’t have survived without her love.
    I try and help people I see who are capable of quitting, but I still don’t dare get too close because I am scared of being near an addict like I was. You lie, cheat, and steal-I did. I’ve gotten my best friend to quit and stay clean for 5 years-maybe that’s all I can do but sometimes I try to help others by talking and hoping they see a different life is possible . Good luck to all who are unlucky enough to try Meth-It’s a definite mistake...
--John