Sept 2008 Methamphetamine Stories and Letters of Methamphetamine Abuse

Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents

Hello, I'm 22 years old and abused meth when I was 16. I first tried the drug when I was 12. I believe that I tried and continued to use the drug primarily because of social reasons. I felt alienated from most of my peers growing up and since I spent most of my time with the more creative types. I aspired to be a musician or visual artist so it was only natural for me to become surrounded by others with similar sensibilities. Artists and drug use comes hand in hand in some cases (although this is not entirely true!) so it was almost natural for me to come in contact with it. Furthermore, i was enamored with artist who I knew used drugs so I was even more curious. I abused the drug heavily for one summer in between my Sophmore and Junior year in college. This was a confusing time and I could feel the massive destruction of that drug coming so quickly. By the second month of abuse I became scared and bailed from the group and drug all together. After that summer I became clean and joined after school sports teams and clubs. By the time I was a Senior I felt much better compared to how I felt most of my Junior year. After abusing for that summer I felt depressed and severely unfocused for around seven to 12 months.
Somehow my brain structure must have regenerated and I became more confident in my social interactions with people; and avoided all drugs all together thereafter. However, I did experience a brief relapse with the drug last December. I was spending my winter break from college away from home and found myself with another group of artists and musicians who were using. I was working a lot at the time to save money for college and found myself getting more and more exhausted as the month progressed. I knew that one of their friends was a dealer and bought around 20 dollars worth. For seven days I would use a small amount in the morning to wake myself for work to be focused and ready. By around the eighth day I could feel the pain and retroactive abilities of the drug working its evil magic again and knew that I just couldn't do it anymore. I dumped the remaining amount in the toilet and never spoke to that social group again. This past semester at college has been one of the toughest yet. Not because the classes were any harder, but rather, my mind was so weak from the drug use that I had to work even harder to make the same grades that I had made before. So by using the drug to make things easier for me in the short time, it caused my life to be much harder for the long term. I feel that personality even changed because of it. It has been seven months since that brief reencounter and I must say that it is a terrible substance. It still feels difficult to solve and analyze problems and my interactive skills have great diminished comparison to how I was before I used the drug. On the lighter note, I do feel much better than I did five months ago and I am still college (studying art, God have mercy) and have a job. I'm sure that if I were to continue to use things wouldn't be have as nice as they are for me now. On the vice versa though, I'm absolutely positive that my life would be much better now compared to if I had not used the drug-at all- ever. Using a small amount for a brief time causes major upheavals in the mind and I can only imagine was long term abusers feel. Further notes: Meth is not the only drug that I have tried or used repeatedly as well. I have experienced every drug that I could find multiple times at various stages in my life. I would go through brief binges of sorts to only stay clean for up to two years at a time. These times of abuse came at odd times and I still don't understand the reasons why I used them. I wish that I had never tried any of them. . . However, I don't think that there was any way around me not trying them. Sometimes people have to find it out for themselves I suppose. Regardless of this opinion, when asked of my thoughts on drug use, I always recommend against it and try to provide what insight I have on the topic for others to make as a point or reference. No good will ever come from its experiences. --broc

Emails are published monthly. The purpose and intent is to discourage crystal meth & methamphetamine use. If you, or someone you know, have been affected by crystal meth, please add your story so others may learn from your experience. We do not disclose personal information and edit out such when possible. E-Mail letters to: kcimeth@yahoo.com

My Michael is dead, he died from drugs. He died because of Meth. I didn’t know that meth could kill people and it does. He is dead from snorting a line of meth, it killed him and now our son has no daddy. He doesn’t have the daddy that loved him so much, the daddy who tried so hard for him, the daddy who wanted more then anything to be clean so he could be a good daddy.
Samuel gave his daddy a new reason to be clean, after using meth for over 20 years, he tried more then ever for the last two years of his life to quit meth and was more successful then he had ever been. Finally holding a job, paying the bills and enjoying being a father despite the weekend he screwed up every few months or so.
Then he died, my first true love, the one who knew me and loved me, the one who understood me and comforted my spirit, my sons father, we were the same and he died because he wanted to get high one last time. All it took was a line, for someone who was a severe needle user in the past, someone who had such a high tolerance to the drug, it only took a line to kill him and now so many people are in grief and such sadness from that last line.
He died, my Michael is dead because of Meth.
--Sarah

where do i begin? my son (currently 12 yrs old) was our everything. we have 3 kids, our girls r 21 and 22.
We called him the king, he was so happy, so spoiled, so smart, so content, so the center of our world.
He was about 3 and slowly his whole world began to chang. He hasn't had parents for 9 years. Some tweekers say we are lucky because he hasn't been taken away. That's only because I am the worst kind of tweaker, I'm what people call a fuctioning addict. My hubby is your everyday tweaker. But not me, Infact I have never met a tweaker like me. A few yrs ago, CPS came to my house, at the end of our meeting, he apolagized for taking up our time. He said he has never been on a call where it was so unneccaary. We were higher than high. My husband wouldn't (or couldn't) look him in the eyes, he kept starring at the floor. I told the guy that my husband was so angry at my sisters for wanting to take our kid away. He bought it.
When I first got wind that my sisters were trying to get my son out of here (wich he should have been), I called the police myself. They came to the house, I told him that my sisters were crazy and wanted my son. I told him that they were making up stories about drug activity at my house. The cop said that this was obvioulsy not a drug enviroment and he will definately put it on record that any calls about our house and drugs were a waist of time. We were higher than high that day too. My husband thought I was crazy and hid in the room.
Currently we are into the life pretty deep. we run in all the tweaker circles. we are the ones all tweakers want to know and hang with. our phone rings all day and night, because we have so many friends (ya rite).
But we both know it has to stop. I know my husband can do this.
truth be told, my husband can probably quit easier than me..he has ... several times
The first time he went to rehab (back in 2002) he was doing so good. He was happy, confident, looking forward to getting better.
I remember feeling scared and ashamed.
I was losing my party partner. He was making it and leaving me behind. I started telling him that the people at those meetings he goes to are f**king with his head. I told him they were like a cult and trying to brainwash him. I told him he needed to be stronger than them and do what he wants. I told him he was a good person and he wasn't hurting anyone. I planted bags in his sock drawer. I put a mirror under his side of the bed, sticking out so he could see it, with lines on it.
I got my way. He quit rehab and started using again.
Once again,the kids only see him mess up.
It isn't until rite now that i realize how truly messed up that is. I would always tell my husband, "it's not my fault the kids think your on drugs and not me, I'm not the one always getting caught with the shit and acting like a tweaker".
These last 6 or 7 years, we have become the people that we used to trip out on.
We are full fledged non-working, lieing, stealing, dealing, running a muck tweakers.
But my kids think it's just their dad that has the problem, they think I go with him all the time to try and keep him from doing bad things am the biggest tweaker he knows (and he aint lieing). The kids just figure he is just saying stuff to hurt me. I have never said that it's only him, but I don't offer any info either.
One thing that really used to mess with my head, is how can he lie to his family the way he did and how could he just stop caring about us the way he had. I mean, I am on drugs too, but I make sure family always comes first. I never stopped caring.
Then I learned that I can't make him sell and use the rite way, the way that puts family first.
TALK ABOUT DENIAL
I NEED HELP
I f**ked up my sons life, I temporaily destroyed his father (in his eyes).
The reason I started writing is because my husband starts a new job tommorow. He will succeed too, if I don't turn all his thoughts around like usuall. He is a truck driver and every time he has gotten a job (4 or 5 times in the last 3 years), I talk him out of it. Of course the kids blame it all on dads drug use, how convienent for me, huh. Not this time, I am trying to be supportive. He says he needs to get out of the area for awhile. He's rite and I'm scared.
But in writing this stuff down, I have realized alot.
I am as big a liar as he is. And what the hell is "keeping family first while selling or using"?
I think I have to come clean with my son, but won't that mess up his head even more.
More importantly, how am I going to do this (stop using)? I want my life back. We have been married 24 years. We have 3 kids and 4 grandkids. I know with my support, my husband will make it.
There is so much shit.
--Val

The following is an account of my last 30 days of Meth use. I've toned down the details in an attempt to keep any possible "triggers" down. I've just passed my 3rd year of recovery and am living a healthy fulfilling life. Contrary to my life below: My last 30 days of using I was living in a basement suite by Bonniedoon mall. I was working for MIT construction as framer. I remember when ever I heard Billy Talent’s song “Nothing to Lose” I would get choked up. I guess I knew deep down that I had nothing to lose in that moment in time. I struggled with my reality and thought that I was fooling everone around me, friends, family,co-workers. I was only fooling myself. I had already been through detox a couple of times and had the recovery idea planted in my head. I tried “toning down” my using and was smoking pot thinking that that wasn’t my problem. “It won’t kill me like meth will”. My landlord knew that I was smoking pot and she didn’t mind as long as I didn’t smoke it in the house and at the fence by the alley. Before I moved in I told about my struggles with drug addiction so she was fully aware of what could happen. I wasn’t what she was looking for as a tenent but she said she would give me a chance. It was my first place that wasn’t in the Ghetto.
In detox they told me to have a plan and stick to it. M plan was to work as much as I could. That way I would have no time to use! I worked 16 hour days 6 days a week. The first few weeks went as planned, I was working so hard Iwas too tired to even watch TV when I got home. There was a flaw in my planning: Payday and long weekends. One of my paydays landed on the long weekend and the super told everyone that they could take three days off. Friday, day 1. I sat at home home watching movies. Movie after movie. I ordered pizza to prevent myself from going out. I fought my addiction screaming at me to go outside. I made it. Saturday, day 2. Pretty much the same thing. I ran out of movies to watch but began to watch the same ones over again. I ran out of coffee as well. “Where can I get some coffee and be safe?” I remembered that the meetings at detox had coffee in them. I went to detox to have some coffee. I asked one of the members where a good place to go would be on a Saturday night. “There’s a meeting up on 118ave, it’s called the 84 street group and its by the KIS club”
--Damian

Hi my son was on this nasty drug for about 5 years and now has signs of A.D.H.D. he was tested at an early age but showed nothing can this drug have this kind of effects after being off the drug for 2 years he also has spurts of extreme anger (fits) if you will. That are very scarey. thank-you
--c

Well I have a son who is only 20 years old. He started out drinking a little bit, then his drug of choice turned to pot, then the notorious meth came into the picture. He had always talked against it, but it managed to get ahold of him. He is serving a 10-year sentence in prison right now because of this drug. I talk to him pretty regularly on the phone and I see him when I can afford to go. But I feel like the drug and the system took my son away from me. It's like a death. I deal with it by talking about my son a lot, past memories, and things like that. It makes my other kids think that I favor him, but I don't, it's just how I deal with the loss. He tells me he is never going to quit the drug. He just doesn't want to. It rips my heart out to hear that from him. I talk to him and try to encourage him against the drug, but my head knows I am wasting my time if he doesn't want to. All I can do is turn to my higher power and pray for him. I yearn for the day he gets out of prison, but I also dread it, if you can understand that.
--A sad mom

i am not a meth addict, have never been one. i know, right now, many regulars on this site will skip down to the next story. i mean, when i am re-reading the stories, i too skip past stories like this. once i've heard them all, i'm only interested in re-reading the really harsh ones. i think the reason is the same for everyone. we want to hear about others that have had worse experiences than we have, or at least have come close. at least then we can relate
but i am an addict. that is for sure. i am a 29 year old man. i look healthy. i lead an active lifestyle. i have a beautiful wife. i also have liver cancer and kidney failure. my life will be over soon enough. i know no one wants to hear about my worst demon (alcoholism) on this website. i just wanted to prove to anybody who's still listening, that i have a story to tell. please, listen.
the reason i am writing is that, too often, i read the same thing on this website: "i never tried drugs except pot, and then one night at a party..."
we all want to help people avoid this type of drug, right? let's get more graphic with our explanations of how we tried it for the first time. everyone wants to lament over the time they hit rock-bottom, but i've noticed that most people don't want to say anything about their first time. so i will explain mine.
meth: my coke dealer was a pretty crazy guy. he lived with a woman who used to be with an even crazier guy, and then that crazier guy got out of jail. my coke dealer left town and told me to stay the fuck away from him. i went to him for the first time on the night before my younger sister's graduation. that woman i knew recommended the meth. it turned out that the cops were watching his motel room. they pulled up as soon as we'd walked far enough away that he couldn't see them bust us. we tossed our quarter-gram and they couldn't find it, so they let us go. the next day we went back and found it...never mind, a lot happened between then and the next time i slept, 4 days later. i said at the start of this email, i have never been a meth addict. but i've tweeked with the best of 'em, and i maintained a hardcore style for a lot of years.
but here's the real reason i wanted to leave this message. it's not a story with a happy ending. it also doesn't have any tortuous moments. i never allowed myself to get fully sucked down the drug tunnel. i've played with everything, and i've had my favourites, but i've never spiraled out of control. and yet, since the time i was 20 i have drank about 340 out of 365 days a year. and most of those days were not a little. too many times, i felt like, i'm maintaining. not in the sense that meth addicts "maintain". i think deep-down, meth addicts really know they are not "maintaining". but my mind was intact. i know what it's like to go down the psychological spiral, where you know things are falling apart. that's not my point. i met the real "silent killer". i felt my insides dying...they felt like someone poured gasoline over them...
by the time i was 23, if i didn't get totally hammered to the point of blacking out, i would wake up within two hours sweating, needing another drink to sleep a bit more...and then again...and then again...
...but i always justified it because i always said to myself, "at least i'm not getting high"
i had enough experience with drugs to think that alcohol every day was better than meth or coke every few days.
this email is for everyone on this website who is suffering right now. however, i have been on this website high, and i know that most people here want harsh drug stories, which i have not given. but for anyone still reading, i have less than one year to live. there are a lot of ways that casual use of drugs can kill you. one of the ways that casual use of hard drugs can kill you is by making you believe that you are impervious to any other lesser drugs.
--Kath

Hi my name is Doug I’m 48 years old with a beautiful wife named Lisa she had 2 children when we married almost 4 years ago. The youngest daughter is 26 years old her name is Jessica, when I first met her she reminded me of Rachel Ray the cooking star she was very pretty and petit. We both really hit it off and things were good. My wife and I moved to a bigger town in east Texas in the spring of 2004 before our marriage but before we moved Jessica called us and told how her boyfriend had beat her up and she had no place to stay; so me being the gentleman that I am I told her to live with us for awhile until she could get on her feet. That’s when I started to realize all the help we had offered her was not helping for some reason, and I just thought that maybe she was a slow learner or that she may have had some type of ADD or something that her mother (Lisa) just forgot to tell me. So I just chalked it up to being inexperience on her part. My wife and I got married in the winter of 2004 and right after that I told Jessica that she had to find her an apartment, she already had a job and was supposed to be saving money to get her own place, but of course I paid for the apartments first month and down payment so she could move. Before all of this my unit in the Air Force Reserve gave me notice that I was going to be deployed at the end of the year, so at this point I thought we were good to go at home and that my 6 month deployment would go smooth. I left January 2005 and returned in July, during this time my wife was telling me (not willingly) that Jessica was having problems getting to work and paying her bills. When I returned from my deployment I was told by my wife that she was moving in again with us she had lost her apartment and her job. One day my wife calls me at work and says that Jessica is stranded on the side of the highway and she is having delusions of people following her and wanted her to come and get her, Jessica told her mother she needed help that she was a METH addict. We took her to a rehab facility in the nearest town to get help, which was all fine until she found out she would be staying on the upper floors where the people who say that they want to commit suicide are kept. The only reason being is she admitted to that. To make a long story short the rehab lasted 2 months in and out of the facility and she has become more of an addict now because she has enablers like her mother and me to keep her habit some what going. We pay her car payment and insurance and her medication for Bi-Polar…..yes that’s right she is Bi-Polar and always forgets to take her meds so she can use METH. Jessica is always mooching anything she can from her mother. I have found some peace in all of this by seeing a counselor and learning how to stop the enabling and how to help my poor wife with all of this. I have seen this METH destroy our relationship to the point of total unhappiness and despair. All I can say is thank God for my counselor she has made me see the effects that this drug and enabling can do. With her help I have not allowed Jessica to come to the house anymore until she gets clean which causes conflict with my wife but she knows I mean business and is trying to cope as well. I will tell you that we love each other very much and we have had the discussion of where we go next, and guess what it always comes back to Jessica. My wife resorts to playing on the computer for hours on end to cope, and I have to tell her to stop so we can enjoy each others company, all because of a METH addict. I’m trying to get my wife to see what is going on but that is her child and it is easy for me to say those things but for my wife it is very difficult, that is her baby, a METH addict. It has taken everything in my being to stay the course and to show my wife that I will give my all as a husband and a friend to get us both through this. METH will kill everything it comes in contact with friends, family and relationships. My only prayer is that she finally reaches the bottom and seeks help before it is too late i.e. jail or death but only she can do it.
--Doug

My daughter is 22 and addicted to meth and other narcotics. I have custody of her two year old son while she is in jail facing three years. She tells me that she is ready for help but wants to go to the rehab of her choice. I don't know if she's telling me the truth or if it is another way to get out of jail again. She's been in rehabs before and as soon as she gets out she starts using again. Can anyone tell me what she is going through mentally. is she really wanting help or is it another excuse to get out of jail. I don't want her to ever thing that I'm giving up on her. Can anyone tell me exactly what goes through a meth addicts mind I've read that you never stop craving it.that you will always want it you just have to be able to control you're cravings. I've also been told that you have to hit rock bottom. what is that.meth has not only destroyed my daughter's life it destroys the whole family. I want to know if anyone can explain the cravings or what goes through these addicts mind when there tweaking. Is it scary? how do you know when a person truly wants help and are not just saying this to get less jail time. I had rather see her in jail as still shooting up. I'm so afraid the next phone call I get is that she has overdosed. How much can you take before you od. is there a limit does anyone know or is it different for each person .thanks for listening and please pray for my daughter. Is there anyone that has the answers?
--ST

Hi my name is Amy and hers my meth saga. I was with a guy from age 17 to 22 and had two kids with him. He give me meth for the first time but we had done cke prior to that. I didnt really like it as much as coke. I think he had been doing it for a long time and I didnt know or was too naive to know. I realize now all the nights of staying away. I was a weekend warrior I only got high when the kids were with granparents on weekends. Until he started to bring it home during the week, I told him I couldnt do it then cause of the kids. That just pissed him off so he quite coming home. When he did come home he was abussive, and slightly mental. I took off running from him one day as he chased me with a gun and I decided that was enough. I left and his parents took my kids cause he told them I was messed up on drugs. They are very prominent in this county and have alot of money so they railroaded me and took my kids. I met my husband a month later all the while being drug free. We got married and built a beautiful home. He was great until he drank then he would become abusive, but I put up with it because we had a business together plus both had full time jobs. On new years eve I had a party for close friends like we always did, a little food and beer and football. I caught my husband in my master bathroom with a girl having sex and doing coke. I never knew he was doing coke cause he worked so much as did I. I beat the girls ass, I don't even know why. He was the wrong one. I left and went back several times. The last time I left he almost beat me till I was dead. He said it was the guilt of cheating on me. I was heart broken and just broken. I moved out and sold business and the house and split it all with him. Then I was broken and lost and ran into the old guy I used to have kids with. He hadnt changed and he give me meth one night and from there on I was on a downward spiral, I had lost kids my husband and then my daddy died. I give up and my life for two years was hanging out in meth labs and getting high. I lost touch with reality. I started dating this guy D and we dated for a little bit and he was cookin and wasnt as smart as most of the cooks that I knew and sold to and undercover and on a thursday morning DEA kicked down the door while I was sleeping. From that day forward I never touched the stuff again. I have been clean for almost three years. I still see some of the old meth people, but I just say hi and keep walking. Thats what you have to do, cause misery loves company. I feel so much better now. I actually called two of the agents from the day I got busted and thanked them for saving my life. Cause had they not kicked in that door I would still be in a lab getting high right now. I still see my kids dad when hes not in prison and hes still doing the same shit. It's sad that his parents let him see the kids and not me. Thanks for listening. Meth sux and will take away your life and your memory.
--Amy

   Hello, I recently saw a program on cnn about recovering addicts to meth and their stories. One women mentioned in it how more recovering addicts are needed to speak up, letting others in trouble know there is hope and a possibility to recover and get clean. This made me want to tell my story, as a former meth addict and a troubled teen in need...
   First let me say that I was one of those kids growing up that said to myself, I will never do drugs, I will stay in school and I will work hard towards my dreams and goals. The story begins when I was 13. I was taken along with my sister to hang out with some friends. One of her friends was a meth addict. I didn't know what it was, but I knew that it was a drug and that it was bad. I didn't do anything but watch her use it in front of us, it seemed to be with them a casual thing to do, her using in front of my sister and other friends It was several times that I saw this happen and i thought to myself how strange it was that no one else did. I later found out that my sister did in fact try it, just not in front of me. When I learned this, I threatened to tell our parents. And after that day, my sister and I never went out together again. Our relationship became a little more distanced that it had been. I was okay with that, studying, growing up, etc I was in my own world.
    I was so young and naive as a teenager, like most, that I still didn't grasp everything that was going on in the world. I just went out, drank a little, partied with friends, nothing totally wrong, but still studied and did well. I was on the swim team, went to the gym, ate healthy, and was quite happy with myself. Had a car at 16, received an allowance from my parents and to admit, I was spoiled by them. I had many goals and dreams that I wanted to do with my life. Then I met a "friend". A guy who I started to party with. It was about the third night or so, he just took out some meth. Again, I knew I had seen it before but I didn't really know if it was the same thing or not. I acted like I knew what it was and what was happening. I now know that he assumed I was older, as he was 25, and I was only 16. He loaded up a pipe and passed it to me. I can still remember the house we were in, what it looked like, what we were talking about etc. I think back now and wished i had never taken that pipe from this guy that day...but I did.
    Through that course of the next 8 to 9 years, I was using meth. Going out all night, sleeping all day. I was buying so much, that my allowance wasn't enough to cover my addiction. I was buying at least 200$ a month. Sharing with other users, having meth parties, etc. When my allowance ran out, I had to do other things to get more meth. I dropped out of school for a year, and though the course of homestudy a year later, was allowed to complete my credits and graduate (I was lucky on that one) due to my aunt forcing me to finish. I then moved out and I kept using, staying awake at one point, my longest 15 days straight without sleep. I can remember, I started to see things flying in my room, creatures crawling on the wall, etc. I could barely even walk at that point as I also hadn't eaten, hadn't drank much in those days, I knew my body was completely drained and very malnourished.
   I was now 24, and began to think of all the things that happened to me the last 7 years, the drug use, school, throwing my dreams down the drain, losing my grandparents, going through depression, etc. I realized that something was wrong with me. It was at that point when I looked into the mirror, I took my shirt off, then my pants, and saw just how skinny I had become. I was skin with bones underneath. I had lost all my muscles and my skin was not looking great either. The body I had worked so hard for in the beginning had become a place of lies and deceit to myself. It had become the place where I could abuse, and hide my troubles away in a pipe full of white rocks & powder. My mind was becoming mush, I couldn't think straight anymore. I just broke immediately into tears. I had never really understood the severity of what I was doing to myself until that point. I pulled myself out of where I was, I threw everything away, and I ran. I ran home to my fathers house and just stayed there, trying to clean my self up, trying to resist the temptation to go buy some again and hang out with those that used. I succeeded!!! And so can others, I just want you to know I am willing to chat with anyone who may need help with this addiction. I know how hard it can be and theres much more to my story, but I wanted to get my main point across. That it is possible to leave it behind, stay clean and continue your life. I might not have accomplished what I wanted to in life right now, but I try and try everyday to live my dreams and make a better life for myself. I hope my story can help others to recover and leave the addiction behind...
--CMT

JUST THOUGHT THIS WAS A GREAT SONG

"NO WAY OUT" by HOME GROWN

SMOKE’N THE SHIT
DAILY HABIT
TWEAKED TO FORGET
MY DARK SECRET
HATING MYSELF
LIFE GONE TO HELL
INOCENCE LOST
BUT AT WHAT COST
REALIZING NOW
THERE’S NO WAY OUT

THIS MORNING IN BED
IN THE PAPER I READ
INSIDE IT SAID
MY BEST FRIEND’S DEAD
SAID SHE O.D.’D
FROM SMOKE’N SPEED
FRIENDSHIP IS LOST
WHAT WAS THE COST
THAT’S HOW I FOUND
MY OWN WAY OUT

--ew

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