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Question for parents that used Meth...


upagainst
thewall
Question for the parents that used Meth...
I want to ask a couple of questions about your use and the effect on your child / children and if it is offensive to anyone I apologize ahead of time and you can quit reading now.
Most of you know my story, and I belong to a Grandparent's raising Grandchildren site. Recently a new member wrote about the parents of her grandchildren being both alcoholic and meth addicts. She told of trashy house, fighting, throwing things, children being neglected etc....

1) Did you, as a parent, feel like you were doing a good job?
2) Did you see your parent(s) as meddlers?
3) Did you think you were harming the kids (in any way)?
4) Did your kids get taken from you?
5) Do you resent the person(s) that advocated for the child(ren)?

From personal experience I know my daughter has said that she didn't see herself being the way she was. She did 't see herself screaming and cursing the boys. She said she didn't realize the long term affects her using had on them.
I am becoming an advocate for the children, sorry if that bothers anyone. Someone has to speak for the voiceless innocent victims.
     Replies...
imlostinky Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
Quote:
1) Did you, as a parent, feel like you were doing a good job?

When I was using, Yes. I felt I was a better parent because my house wasn't trashy, it was clean,  I wasn't screaming at the kids, I thought I was better on meth.

I wrestle now sometimes with that thinking because my house isn't spotless, I do have times when I scream at the kids,and I stay tired most days.

Only every once in awhile- because then I take myself back to one fact-
One key difference.

I don't remember that year of use - I don't remember moments with my kids- I don't even have a real memory of my son's first birthday- Christmas- anything.

I remember everything now. I feel those memories. They aren't just on photo paper added into my mind - I feel them.

So my house can just stay unspotless and it's okay if I am tired - I am tired because I lived this day.

and I do try very very very hard not to yell- to step back when I am feeling frustrated, stressed, to stop and think before I speak.
so no I don't yell often at all.
and I am doing better.

Quote:


2) Did you see your parent(s) as meddlers?

N/A - I had nobody to meddle.
My husband was using, I was using, my sister was using- that's my family.

Quote:


3) Did you think you were harming the kids (in any way)?
Not at the time no-

Now yes. I was physically there but I was so emotionally absent.
I was such sh!t........... such sh!t.
Quote:
4) Did your kids get taken from you?

No but they should have.
They did not need nor deserve to be there. I was not a good mother, our home was not a safe place.
I should have lost them.

Quote:
5) Do you resent the person(s) that advocated for the child(ren)?

I kick my a** quite often for not being their advocate- for not standing up for them- for not being the mom they needed.

No one should be a bigger voice for my children than ME!
No one.
That is my first priority- my first responsibility.
That is my JOB!

When I got f-ked up, they lost their only voice.

Resentment? No - what I feel for me at that time is disgust.

That I ever allowed a drug to take me from the ones that needed me most.
Such sh!t.

upagainst
thewall
Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
A great big thank you. I should have known you would be first to respond I so admire you for getting and keeping it together. A long long road but so worth the journey.
Saved
inillinois
Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
I thought I was an AWESOME parent when I was using. Most of the parents in my town dumped their kids off on people and ran the town for days using. I used my drugs at home and never left the house, therefore I was a great parent. (My logic)

The night that my son's father left me was horrible. The cops came because of us fighting and I decided to move out. I had an officer tell me that I was right to leave the house because it was within days of getting raided. If it had, my son would have been taken.

I still struggle with the guilt of using with my son around. I don't remember things other moms do. Like when my son first talked, I couldn't tell you how old he was. Or when he was potty trained, I don't know. From the time he was 3 months old, to 3 years old, I was messed up. What a dumbass. I wasted so much time that I'll never get back.

Ok, well hope this helps.
upagainst
thewall
Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
I can almost hear the hurt in your words. I always try to look at both sides of the coin. You will forever live with the fact that you missed out on your child's first's, but will know in your heart that you wised up just in time to save him/her.

I want you to know I don't ask these questions to purposely hurt anyone, I am just so curious. Sometimes to nosy for my own good. LOL
Sfj Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
1) Did you, as a parent, feel like you were doing a good job?
Yes. But I have to ask another question in return. Good compared to what?
Good compared to the way I was raised? Yes. Absolutely. My father never did anything with me. Never had a kind or encouraging word. I was the opposite with my kids. My father was an alcoholic and threw me out of his home when I was a teenager. I didn’t want to be like him so when I had kids, I spent all my fun time with my kids playing ball, camping etc. But I could have done a better job. I think there is no parent who is perfect and every one of us could have done a better job.

2) Did you see your parent(s) as meddlers?
No. Basically, my parents had nothing to do with me or my family, wife and kids, after I left home as a teenager. I learned life the hard way, but I learned. I never asked or expected any support or love from my parents after I left home. I had nothing so I ran away to San Francisco to be a hippie in the late sixties. I’ve been here ever since. Consequently my parents never meddled.

3) Did you think you were harming the kids (in any way)?
Not really, but again, how do you define “harm?” I loved them, I took them to church every Sunday, school every weekday, and supported them and paid the bills. I never physically hurt them and I tried to always praise and encourage them. I still do. I could have done better. I could have been a non-addict and then I would have been a better person. But I did the best I could since I was dealing with things the way they were. I’d like to have lived in a perfect, ideal, fairy-tale world, but that wasn’t reality.

4) Did your kids get taken from you?
NO

5) Do you resent the person(s) that advocated for the child(ren)?
I advocated for my children. Do I resent myself? Yes. Sometimes I do.
But they love me very much and I feel the same about them. Two of the five, still live with me today.

My Addiction and Recovery
upagainst
thewall
Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
SFJ
Wow a man's opinion... THANK YOU.

# 3 Much admiration for handling an addiction and children at the same time. Sounds like perhaps you are a rarity. Not many men (I'm going to get flack over this, I feel it) even make time with their kids. They are too Busy trying to get ahead of whatever they think they need to get ahead of. Keeping up with the Jones's when the Brown's live quite comfortably.

I too was raised in an alcoholic, abusive home and vowed never to let anything come between my children and me. Nothing did. Except my daughter's addiction.
Sfj Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
May I repeat something I often say?

" Meth addiction does not discriminate, - rich or poor, urban or rural, young or old, male or female, black or white or grey, ignorant or educated, gay or straight, or family heritage."

There are plenty of normal-looking, professional people, families, and main-stream citizens who can get caught up in the sinister grip of drug addiction. Drug addiction is common among medical professionals. I know personally, five lawyers, one was an extremely high-profile attorney for the City of San Francisco, who became meth addicts.
I know a physician who was an Emergency Room Surgeon in Los Angeles, a speed freak. Housewives, construction workers, school teachers, ministers, plumbers, bus drivers, the list goes on.

And yes, even parents.
upagainst
thewall
Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
I so realize that.
Back in the early part of the 80's, I kept 2 little girls whose parents both went to rehab for crack addiction I had them for 45 days. Before the lost everything they had a beautiful 4 BR house, very nicely furnished. They lost almost all to their addiction. When they were released they moved to Houston where they were both from. I don't know how they did they did not stay in touch.
Then in 91 or so I kept a boy whose mom stabbed her sister while under the influence of crack. I had him almost 3 years. When I moved to the country, he went to stay with a boy from his church. He called me a couple of times after we moved, but I lost touch with him too.

So I very well know addiction of any kind does not discriminate.

I did not think about it then like I think about it now.
I often wonder what the kids thought about staying with almost strangers while their parents were gone. The girls were little ones 1 1/2 and 3 1/2 but the boy was 11. To know that your mom stabbed your aunt.
vctry7 Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
1) Did you, as a parent, feel like you were doing a good job? At first, yes. Then when I started to realize what a horrible mother I was, I just tried to stay high all the time. I sort of lost touch with reality.

2) Did you see your parent(s) as meddlers? Yes. I thought they sucked rasising us so they didn't have any right to say anything about me.

3) Did you think you were harming the kids (in any way)? Not at first. I thought they were well taken care of. Only after I quit did I realize how bad things really were and how much damage had been done.

4) Did your kids get taken from you? No, but they should have. I wish someone had turned us in. I am still angry at non addicted family member that only sat around and talked. I could never ever let my grandkids go through that. I wouldn't hesitate to turn my own kids in , in that situation. There is worse things than an adult sitting in jail.

5) Do you resent the person(s) that advocated for the child(ren)? No. Nobody ever advocated for my kids, just sat around and talked about us.
chrisgonz Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
1) Did you, as a parent, feel like you were doing a good job?
I kept my kids away from other users and my kids never saw me use. They saw me smoke pot, but never the dope. In my mind, pot was okay. I come from a family of users and dealers. Grandpa was a dealer on my dad's side as well as a career criminal. I did a better job raising my kids then my generations past.
I am the first person in our family to have graduates and college students. I am also the first one in my family whose kids have never been locked up. I'm the first person in my family whose kids have not indulged in dope. Both tried pot, my son quit and my daughter didn't like it.

2) Did you see your parent(s) as meddlers?
My dad was a great support, never meddled but was there for me whenever I called or asked for help. He was tough about his rules and I simply followed them or stayed away. I followed them because I loved his honestly. He ran with dope for 15 years, quit and ran his own construction company until he couldn't. I forbade my mother to even baby-sit. She tried to get involved at times but I kept her away with tooth and nail.

3) Did you think you were harming the kids (in any way)?
NO... and IF anyone so much as looked at my kids weird, I'd eliminate them, no questions asked. Even if others said I was wrong. I even kept dad in check. Even as an addict, my kids came first. I hustled my azz off for my dope and NEVER took from our home. We always had food, beds, electricity, everything. We still have those things, only now I see how much more I could have done. I never hit my kids as a form of punishment- once when my eldest was a teen, I took her down, but I never hit her. I yelled a lot,  because I thought yelling was effective. It wasn't, and luckily I realized that in 92

4) Did your kids get taken from you?
My kids ended up in a foster home once when I was in the hospital, not dope related. I was threatened once that I would loose my kids... that's when I cleaned up.
5) Do you resent the person(s) that advocated for the child(ren)?

NO... on the end of my run, I lost control. I was in legal trouble, small stuff.. but I hadn't been in jail since I had taken my eldest home from the hospital. Before that everything was assaults, in the end, my charges were driving related, fake tags... spent the money on dope, no insurance... spent that on dope too. Friend had a rig on her and laid it under my floor mat... that's the court thing I still need to face.
No, if whoever turned in me hadn't done it, I would have lost everything that mattered. My children, my soul, my life. I think my daughter's teacher turned me in. I was working for the school district, (yea-strung out-I did a lot of stuff strung-out), and I went in high one day, the weather started getting warm and I was still wearing long sleeves. I'd lost it. Thank God they clued in. I'd never gotten high right before going to work. I used to bathe first and everything to get the stink off me, wore clothes that were clean and fit, tried my darndest to NOT look like an addict... until the end.

GOOD POST!!

I just reread that and boy did it reinforce stuff for me.

Thanks!!

nineyears
clean
Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
Quote:
I am becoming an advocate for the children, sorry if that bothers anyone. Someone has to speak for the voiceless innocent victims.

I know it most certainly does not offend me! The children are innocent victims in their parents' demise, and someone should speak, no shout from the mountaintops, for them. Good for you!!

1) Did you, as a parent, feel like you were doing a good job?
I suppose I thought I was doing a remarkable job in the early years of my 13 year run. In fact, I was super mom, super wife, super employee, super, super, super!! Even when my addiction began to take over my life completely, I suppose I thought I was doing okay, because I never fully realized how sick I was until I got well. For me, staying clean was made extremely difficult once I began to see clearly the damage I did to my life, and thereby, the lives of my children.
2) Did you see your parent(s) as meddlers?
My family lived 600 miles away the entire time I used, so the answer would be no. My husband's parents turned a blind eye to everything their sons, and their wives, did. Their boys were perfect.
3) Did you think you were harming the kids (in any way)?
Did I think so then? No, probably not. Do I KNOW SO now, beyond a shadow of a doubt. Never physically, but I was never physically abused either, yet still, the emotional abuse I endured damaged me from a very young age.
4) Did your kids get taken from you?
No. My own son was with me from the moment he was conceived until just before he turned 18. My step son, who I raised from ages 1 to 13 years, left to live with his birth mom one year before I got clean, by their own choice.
5) Do you resent the person(s) that advocated for the child(ren)?
Not applicable in my situation.

I want to say that my son, who will be 28 in August, is probably one of the most forgiving and loving people I have ever known in my life.

I called him the day I left town to get clean and told him that I was a drug addict and needed help, but that I was turned away by inpatient rehab for insurance reasons. I told him I had to leave and I didn't know where I was going, but that I'd call him when I got there. He was almost 19 years old at the time. He told me he loved me and to do what I had to do to get myself together.

After 3 months clean, which I did in another state by going to NA meetings every day, all day, I went back home to face the consequences of my addiction, one of which was an eventual 11 count felony indictment. Telling my son about this was harder than telling him about the dope.

I remember I drove to the bay area to tell him in person, and to let him see how much healthier I looked and was. We were sitting on the ledge of a beautiful fountain, and I sobbed in shame as I admitted my wrong doings, and he held me and rocked me and told me how proud he was of me.

He said he had known for a long time about the dope, but he didn't know how bad it was, or what it was. But he knew something was wrong with his mom.

He has been a continual source of love and support for the past 10 years, and I don't know what I ever did to deserve him. He is a wonderful father to his own son now, and probably will be a better parent for having had me as his mom (and I don't mean that to discredit myself).

I think most kids who grow up in that environment don't do as well as he did. I will say, however, that my house wasn't a dope house; in other words, tweakers didn't come to my house, I went to theirs. I was spun for 13 years, but it wasn't like a lot of tweakers houses where people come and go at all hours of the night, etc., etc.

Anyway, hope that helps you.

Tender
heartsKS

Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
1) Did you, as a parent, feel like you were doing a good job?

Deep down inside, I never did feel like I was doing a good job. There was always a tremendous sense of guilt, and once I discovered the world of meth and went back to using the needle (had done heroin IV 7 years before discovering meth, but didn't stick with that for long), I had no doubt I was the lowest form of scum on the earth. Yet I got a perverse pleasure out of being a 'junkie', one of those who dared to use drugs IV. I was pretty much screaming 'f*ck you' to the world I hated so much.

2) Did you see your parent(s) as meddlers?
I had periods of time where my parents and I clashed so badly that my mother wouldn't talk to me 6 months at a time. I was defensive and hostile, but underneath all of that was the guilt and shame of what I had become.

3) Did you think you were harming the kids (in any way)?
I tried really hard not to think about that. I tried to block any thoughts like that from my mind. My use had profound and lasting negative effects on my oldest daughter (my youngest was born when I was 2 years clean).

4) Did your kids get taken from you?
No, although my ex did try to get custody of his daughter (my oldest girl) and I won in court. How, I don't know. Damned good lawyer I guess. My parents paid for that. I don't remember much of that time period on my life.

5) Do you resent the person(s) that advocated for the child(ren)?
I wish someone would have advocated for my daughter, I was an unfit mother, but that is a moot point now. What is done is done, and all I can do today is stay clean/sober one day at a time, and be the best mom that I can be.
nineyears
clean
Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
Quote:
What is done is done, and all I can do today is stay clean/sober one day at a time,
And everything else seems to fall into place, EVENTUALLY...to all of you who still struggle after six months or a year, or ten days.

Everyone is different. Life works when you work at it, just like any other program in the world. EVENTUAL change, progress, not perfection, life on life's TERMS.

Just do it. 
Free
OnKci
Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
1. yes I did..
2. I saw anybody that threatened my using as meddlers not just my parents...My dad just stayed away he didn't really get involved...My dad is the type who says you got yourself there you deal with it. But he gave me the tuff love that I needed...
3. I never dreamed that I was harming my children in my mind I was a good mother and provider...not realizing what I was truly doing to any of them...
4. My 3 child was born with meth in her system the welfare had her tested when she was born because they had a call that I was using while pregnant my other two children were not put into foster care but I was not allowed to leave their grandmothers house with them if I did they were going into the system also...
5. At first I did but now today I have thanked them and the welfare and the court for making me open my eyes to reality...I destroyed so much in my path of destruction I just did not see it. I am so thankful that someone did call cuz I would probably be dead today if they wouldn't have and all my kids would be left without a mother...
I have been out of the welfare system totally since dec.8-05 and it is great. I can not make up the time that I lost I can only look at today and today I am doing my best to gain my kids trust and love back...by staying clean...today I can go to the park with them and not have to go to the car to get high or to the bath room. I don't stay locked in my bedroom my bedroom door is always open now...I go to school events now things like that I never done that before unless I had to...I still today have guilt for what I did but I have come to terms with it and accepted it for what it is and that is the past...
Penel0pe Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
) Did you, as a parent, feel like you were doing a good job?
Yes, I think I DID do a good job...for a while. Eventually, I walked out on my whole family, including my kids. So, regardless of the good I did at one time, the selfishness of addiction screwed that up in the long run. Somehow, my kids have turned out to be great people. They have both used drugs (They are 17 and 20.) We talk about it openly today. They never saw me use until my daughter was 17 - she saw me smoking pot openly. I never did anything else in front of them - I was locked in my room doing it instead. I might as well have used in front of them instead of being a parent through a locked door.

2) Did you see your parent(s) as meddlers?
Briefly - when they confronted me on my shyt. I knew I was wrong when they confronted me - but the dope did all my talking for me. I thought I was pretty f-ing smart, too.

3) Did you think you were harming the kids (in any way)?
The guilt of walking out on my family haunts me since the day I stepped out the door. At first I felt sorry for myself. Today, I talk to the kids very openly about that time and they are very aware that they were, in fact, better off without me at the time. Today the pain I feel is for them - even though they tell me "It's OK, Mom." I had them weekends and summertime - but not there for school events, report cards, open house, or Trick Or treat for more than a year. I hate myself for it, and oddly, they do not hate me. I am so grateful for that. (For the record, my daughter moved in with me for several years before my son came here to live - he wanted to stay with his dad, another addict. He came here the moment I popped my head out of my own arse and got clean.)
4) Did your kids get taken from you?
No. I was taken from them when I chose the "Lifestyle" over my own flesh and blood.

5) Do you resent the person(s) that advocated for the child(ren)?
I am grateful to anyone who has been there for my kids when I was not - including their father - he IS an addict - but he didn't walk out. I did. He loves them and harmed them by omission - by NOT acting when he should have. I harmed them by being essentially absent for more than a year.

Today, my kids have come out the other side to become really great people. I'd like to think I had SOMETHING to do with that. They grew up in a subculture of bikers and parties, live bands in the garage every week, and with parents and step parents ALL of whom are addicts. Both of my kids have experimented with drugs and have talked to me AT LENGTH about how it worked for them.

My daughter doesn't like any of it - she's 20 and done with it.

My son smokes pot. He is 17. He scares the hell out of me, because I see myself in him so much. If he grows up and becomes me, I hope he will realize that his mother IS HERE NOW, and how much I regret the time I lost with him that I can NEVER, EVER GET BACK. I also hope he knows that if he DOES become "Me," he has choices and isn't doomed to be "Me" for the rest of his life.

To the addicts here who are still using - if you have kids, I promise you this.

There is no regret quite like the realization that you have LOST time with your children that CANNOT be refunded, EVER.

you get ONE chance to do it right. Don't blow yours like I did. My daughter was just 18 when I got clean, and my son was almost 15.

Do the math. I'll never get those years back, I never get to do it over again.

I am so grateful that somehow my kids have managed to become the people they are today - my son smokes pot, yes, but he has goals and is a good kid. He doesn't get in trouble, he calls me and lets me know where he is, and is in an accelerated program at school which will allow him to graduate soon. He is a musician.

My daughter was a student ambassador in the 11th grade and traveled to England, Ireland, and Wales for 3 weeks as an "American Student Representative." She passed her exit exams as a freshman and took the GED after she came home from Europe. She is an artist.

I am SO proud of my kids. They are both ... "Alternative" types - not exactly "Traditional" people. But they are good people, independent people, and talented people.

I thank God every day for them.
upagainst
thewall
Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO REPLIED.
You are all great. I keep a lot of things in my journals. Believe me I could probably start a library with the volumes of spirals I have. But they don't respond. So I come on to get perspective to issues and to try to understand. For you who took the time to reply and I thank you.
imlostinky Re: Question for the parents that used Meth...
Quote:
There is no regret quite like the realization that you have LOST time with your children that CANNOT be refunded, EVER.

No there isn't. That one hurts. Really hurts.
one chance to have those memories match.

That is all you get.


See also:

What are effects in children when parents use meth?

Smoking meth - what effect on children?

Effects of meth around small children, esp. skin problems?


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