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What using meth has done for me

Lisa What Using Meth Has Done For Me

I spend everyday crying; sometimes I know why I'm crying, sometimes it's situational, and sometimes I have no idea why I'm crying. I stay in my pajamas all day and all night for weeks on end. I don't go out of the house except for important appointments. I go weeks without bathing. I go days without brushing my teeth. I've lost interest in everything; I drag through the very basics of keeping the house going...laundry, light housekeeping, preparing the most basic of foods. I'm in a fog most of the time. I do these things only because my OCD won't let me NOT do them. I don't answer the door, I don't answer the phone, the thought of seeing or speaking to anyone promotes such anxiety I feel like I'm going to die. I know I'm not; I'm used to the panic attacks by now. I've gained twenty-five pounds in a year; ten pounds in the last six weeks. I hate myself and think about suicide a good portion of the time. I hate the way I look but am too lazy or apathetic to do anything about it.

I seem to exist in a nether land of severe emotional pain, extreme mental anguish and horrible physical lethargy. I'm constantly engulfed in shame, guilt, and self-hatred. Sometimes I want to hurt myself to stop the inner pain, sometimes I feel such fury and rage I want to smash furniture and break it into kindling. I never want to hurt other people, just myself or objects. My self-loathing has reached the point where I want to tell anyone and everyone around me to leave me; I feel shame when people look at me. I feel as though I'm nothing but human wreckage.

Music has ceased to be in my life; whereas I used to love music, I can't listen to any music because it either makes me cry or it irritates me. Any noise that is repetitious or loud at all upsets me. All my thoughts are centered in negativity. If I could, I'd sleep all day.

I'm plagued with horrendous nightmares. Three to four nights a week I awake from terrible dreams that seem so real I wake up shaking and soaked in sweat. I clench my jaw so hard during sleep I've worn down two porcelain veneers in just the last few weeks. The nightmares stay with me during the day. I think about them and relive them while I'm awake. They terrify me and sometimes send me into a panic attack.

I freak out if I go into a crowded place; I have panic attacks in the market; I hyperventilate in front of hundreds of people. Once in a while the paramedics have been called because people don't know what's wrong with me. I end up sending other people to do my errands.

I've given up parenting except for the most basic of things. Being a mom was the only thing that ever mattered to me, and now I find if my son and I disagree or fight about something, I want to run away and not face up to my parenting responsibilities. I can't handle the simplest of tasks, either because of lethargy that literally drags me down or because my concentration is at it's lowest level.

My OCD is out of control; it takes me over three hours to brush my teeth, shower, and blow-dry my hair because of my rituals. The only reason I blow-dry my hair is because I hate looking at myself so much if it's not blow-dried. When I see my reflection in the mirror, a hate wells up inside of me that threatens to overwhelm me and I'm afraid I'll end up hurting myself.

I have OCD rituals and compulsions that prevent me from leading a normal life. Mine aren't as bad as some, and for that I am grateful, because the ones I do have are burden enough. I've lived with these my entire life, but of course since I've quit meth, they're a thousand times worse.

I can't concentrate on anything and have no patience. I can't remember anything and get upset with myself because I can't. I can't make heads or tails out of any kind of written instructions, and everything I have to do overwhelms me. Paying bills is like torture. Reading any kind of instructions either sends me into a fit of fury or a crying jag.

I find no joy or happiness in anything. The closest I come to being happy is if my son is happy about something; that makes me happy momentarily. But I can't find any joy in anything else. When I hear children laughing, I want to cry. When it's a beautiful day outside, I want to cry. When it's a rainy day outside, I want to cry. I can laugh at something funny, and I do, but it never changes my outlook or my inner being for more than a few minutes; I go right back to living under a black cloud of despair.

I love my son with all my heart and soul and he is the center of my life. I know that's not healthy, but that's the way it is. I'm so proud of him, I'm so happy with him, I feel so blessed to have him. I don't take him or anything about him for granted and I feel he was given to me for a reason and a purpose. He is the only reason I am alive at all.

If it weren't for my son, I'd be a prime candidate for suicide. I can't and won't take my life because of him. But otherwise, I'm pretty far gone and I'm starting to lose all hope of ever getting better.

I've read literally hundreds of books on thoughts and how they influence everything we are and everything we do. I've done mental exercises to try to train my thoughts in a more positive direction. I've prayed, I've meditated, I've been on almost every anti-depressant made. Right now, as I write this, I'm on Wellbutrin. Not working so great, huh?

I know about how everything starts with a thought. But I cannot change my thinking; I don't know how, even though I've read how a thousand times. It doesn't seem to work for me. Plus, I have a father who constantly underscores how I feel about myself  he, too, thinks I'm an utter and complete failure.

So basically, what meth has done to me is to take every little thing that's ever been just a spark of an issue with me, and magnified it a million fold until I'm an emotional, mental and physical cripple.
I won't go back to drugs  I won't do that to my son.
But I sure as hell don't fear death.

<Re: What Using Meth Has Done For Me
Lisa, Hang in there. It will get better.
I suggest that you force yourself to take better care of yourself. I have been in that place. Tomorrow wake up, and shower, and brush your teeth, and put some time in to taking care of you.

You will feel better. It won't fix everything, but its a start. Build upon that.
Take little steps, and build upon them, Try to make them a habit.

I used to have HORRIBLE anxiety! I still get it. My head still tries to tell me people are out to get me. I have to call myself on my @#%$ frequently. I force myself to keep doing the next right thing.
I would rather not have to deal with people. I force myself to. work requires it.

Its my sons fourth birthday party on Sat. I don't want to go, because of all the people that will be there. I'm DREADING it!!!! How lame is that?

My anxieties at almost five years clean have subsided a lot. They aren't gone, but I can see through them most of the time now.

I have completely changed my life. Its all for the better, but it took a lot of action for it to happen.

I hope you feel better soon
<Re: What Using Meth Has Done For Me
Dear Lisa
I feel for you. Your going thru a real hard time. Never lose faith that you it will get better. Have you every truly forgiven yourself? Seems you have this huge guilt hammer and you keep beating yourself down with it. You are a human that made some mistakes, not right not wrong just is.

I also want to tell you my experience with Wilburton. It made me depressed. I was trying to quit smoking and my doctor told me if I didn't take it I would fail. I have heard this from two other people as well. I'm not saying it's the Wilburton however you may want to talk to your doctor. Meds can be helpful in getting you over the hump however they are not a cure all, plus it can take years to find the right meds for you.

Are you working a 12 step program?

You write so well and are so clear about what you are going thru. I know you've heard of let go and let god. I have this little bag I call my god bag and when I am having difficulty letting go of a situation I write it down and put it in my god bag, it is my way of physically letting go.

Remember this to shall pass, it just sks going thru it.

Sending hugs and prayers

Re: What Using Meth Has Done For Me
Plus, I have a father who constantly underscores how I feel about myself  he, too, thinks I'm an utter and complete failure.

Is he aware that he is doing this Lisa?
Have you ever in your moments of freaking out gone off on his head?

I am thinking that may not be a bad thing.
If you can't or won't,  then avoid being around him. You work hard to get that glimmer of hope, to get any positive feeling. If you can not be around him without destroying that spark for you, stay away from him.

Environment counts for a lot- I really wish it had worked out where you could have moved. Any place would be better than where you are.
You need the fresh air- you do. It is a need.

Lisa, for me, I have to open my curtains every day- I have to see beauty somewhere.
You are not so fortunate here-
I know you said you tried meditating- how is your home?
What colors do you have? Got any scented candles? Get some that bring a warm memory to life. Stay away from those aroma therapy ones- they really stink. Sorry but eucalyptus just makes me feel congested and ill..........
I like the melon ones, mulberry, vanilla- light fresh scents.
Find the ones you like and use them every day.
If you can get help to clear out your home, get the inside where it is soothing, refreshing, then maybe that would help.
Even if it is just one room- you need one space that soothes your soul. That brings a lightness to your life.

I wish we lived closer. I'd help you.
Stick with the meditating- stick with the Wellbutrin.
Even if you don't want to , force yourself to get a shower every single day. Brush your teeth every single day.
You gotta get tough with you and make yourself do that.
No one can beat depression with a mouth full of hair and funky body.
It isn't possible.
Every day do one thing good for you- it doesn't have to be much. Just one little thing. Every day.

It didn't happen overnight, it won't fix overnight.
You do your part- keep pouring the good stuff in - good healthy food, no junk - good thoughts , even if they don't stick- you just keep doing it anyway.

It will get better.
Just keep doing the very best you can and stay away from those who steal your thunder.

Re: What Using Meth Has Done For Me
I AM PRAYING for YOU today.
Please think of me talking with God-my father-about your pain and trouble today. If it makes you cry to think of someone praying for you, let the tears flow. God knows every tear individually and loves you through each one.

Re: What Using Meth Has Done For Me
I was just remembered something from a personnel growth seminar that I attended. It was about coming out of our self imposed boxes. Each participant was assigned a task that didn't seem possible. We were told to recognize what was going on with the "self talk". Of course most were experiencing fear. They told us to say to ourselves.

NO NO Brain that's not fear that's excitement.

We were instructed that each time we felt we could not go on any further to keep repeating the above. Every single person in the room successfully completed the task assigned to them.

Just like in the little kids book "The little engine that could" I think I can I think I can.

Just like the little engine keep telling yourself that I think I can I think I can, and each day tackle one obstacle that you thought was impossible.

Hope this helps.

Lisa Re: What Using Meth Has Done For Me
Thank you Fly, teqa peq, T and luv.
When I posted this last night I forgot to add I didn't need any responses. I was just venting and it was meant more as a warning for active users or anyone thinking about relapsing.

I appreciate all your good wishes, good ideas, and good intentions so, SO much. You'll never know how much your words mean to me.

Ya see though, it's impossible to truly communicate what's going through a person's head, heart and soul, as well as situational circumstances, so that it's understandable to all. To do that would be to write pages upon pages. This isn't a psych board, it's a meth board, so I just used the holocaust in my head as an example of what could possibly happen if people continue using speed, or any other drug for that matter.

Without knowing the full extent of my mental and emotional issues, it's impossible for any of you to know that, for example, bathing is NOT therapeutic for me...it's tantamount to suicidal feelings. Without going into the whole nine yards, let's just say it's about the same as preparing all day to cook a meal. It takes you four or five hours to prepare, cook and serve the meal. When you taste what you've cooked, it's disgusting. It makes you sick to eat it. You end up wanting to hurl it out window.

It takes me hours and hours to do what a "normal" person can do in fifteen minutes. This is part of the "brain lock" that keeps me in my own little prison.

Another example is my father; he has a diagnosed personality disorder and cannot help being overly critical, narrow-minded and knows, with absolute certainty, he's always right. A psychiatrist once called him a "brick wall" (meaning there was no getting through to him).

This man supports me (and my son) financially. My life is held in his hands, literally. Without him, I'd be on the streets, quite literally. I've tried to get SSI so I can live on my own, but was continually denied because I have a source of income.

Things are never what they seem on the surface...or at least rarely. I believe that I chose my conflicts and the people in my life before I signed up for this life, and these are my lessons to learn. I also believe that sometimes a soul will decide what it signed up for is too much to bear in this life, and opts to leave early. This is only a tragedy because the soul will now have to try again to learn the lessons offered to him in this life, in another life. Such is my belief.

Anyway, I'm just rambling here to keep from crying...don't mind me. Really, don't mind me. I'm not going to be posting much for awhile, because I don't have anything positive to say. I believe this board should be for positive reinforcement, and I'm not a member of that club at this time in my life.

I will lurk; I won't go away...maybe I'll even find some help somewhere.

I Love You All. Really and Truly.
Re: What Using Meth Has Done For Me

Lisa, you don't bring anybody else down in a hurtful way and purposeful way. Please express your emotions and feelings, if it helps you in any way. We can't solve your problems but maybe somehow we can make you feel better for a few moments. Do what is best for you but you really aren't bringing anyone down. Even the post you deem negative turn into a positive for someone else and it feels good express yourself. Do what's best for Lisa but just know you aren't hurting anyone here AT ALL. In fact, you are helping.

jes78 Re: What Using Meth Has Done For Me
lisa, hi. i know we haven't really met, but i want to let you know you are not alone. you are just a lot braver then i am and voice what you feel. i have good days, but when i have bad days, they are bad. i get so stuck, i can't even leave my house. i just keep checking my stove all day, thinking i left it on. ill keep driving home, the next thing i know its 3 hrs later. i can't do a thing w/out counting it a certain number of times.
the first time i was in a court ordered situation, i was ordered to bathe. i guess i felt so dirty inside, that i didn't care. that's what they told me anyways. truth is, i just had no motivation.

I'm better now, a little anyways. i have less bad days. now i am a people pleaser. i do for others, and never myself. but i still count things, still check my stove 100 times. I'm not good, but I'm better.
lisa, i hear a song and i cry. i cry for all i lost that ill never get back, all i will never experience. i want to kill people, but i don't. 2 days ago i hit someone's window.

i don't know the point of this, but you are not alone. if you need to talk send me a message. jes78

Re: What Using Meth Has Done For Me
Lisa~ We don't know each other but no matter; we are experiencing almost the exact same thing. I appreciate you voicing the troubles that are on your mind in regards to your recovery -- it allowed me to except myself and the position I'm in a little better. I'm experiencing the same anti-social behaviors, agoraphobia, and feelings of worthlessness as you are. I'm only 7 months clean but I was hoping that by now I would have my life together. Sometimes I wonder if my life was better while I was on drugs -- but I know that I could never go back to that life if I wanted to experience happiness again.
I'm not going to tell you that everything will be fine because I'm drowning too. The difference between you and I is that I refuse to believe that this is as good as it gets. Today I'm not proud of myself, but someday I hope to be.
Thanks again for your words. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Re: What Using Meth Has Done For Me
Gotta vent, gotta vent and vent until you can't vent anymore.

However......the misery and hopelessness isn't anything....any thing can look better tomorrow...or the next day.....but 7 squirrels, a tube of liquid basil and a vat of gravy can really make a big difference...

Lisa Re: What Using Meth Has Done For Me
I just want to thank everyone who replied and made me feel loved, if just for a moment.

I didn't post to get replies, actually, but the replies I got did help to lift my spirits.

Thanks, everyone.
Re: What Using Meth Has Done For Me
I haven't forgotten you at all. May I ask if you have been checked out for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and/or Fibromyalgia?

I understand the diagnoses you do have--but my lethargy in relapse, you wrote me almost verbatim. The shower ordeal. The getting out of bed ordeal. They crying ordeal. The brain-fog, "thick-dullness" ordeal. The check repetitively ordeal. The panic attacks. The suicidal part. Wellbutrin didn't do a darn thing for me.

You said emotional pain, do you have any physical pain? Migraines? "Tender Points"?
I ask out of love and concern.

Praying for you Lisa, and please do post?!

Lisa Re: What Using Meth Has Done For Me
Thanks for asking...actually, I was diagnosed with Epstein-Barr Virus way back in 1984. Then, when it got too hip to have Epstein-Barr, they changed the diagnosis to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Then, that wasn't good enough anymore, so eventually they told me I have Fibromyalgia.

They've tested me for Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis, blah, blah, blah. During the eighties and nineties I was a human pin cushion. This is what they finally came up with: I have Non-Specific Auto-Immune Disorder, which affects mostly my thyroid, but also pretty much everything else, but to a much lesser degree.

I've lived with it for about twenty three years, so I'm pretty used to it.

How I feel since I've gotten clean is a hundred thousand percent worse than all the years living with the other garbage.

Before I got clean, it never bothered me if I had a flare-up, I just went about my business. Now, if I drag my fat ass into the other room to do laundry, I'm way ahead of the game.

Oh well. Que sera sera. What evah.

But, like I said, thanks for askin'.
Re: What Using Meth Has Done For Me
Wow Lisa......
I know CFS/FM pain/fog/depression/etc/etc...and you feel a thousand times worse than that??????

I'm praying in overdrive then sweetie. I want you feeling good about you. If you could survive all that doubting during human-pincushion testing and "it's all in your head", etc., I really do want you happy/well.

I fight tooth and nail the pain in my body.....the other, kind of thanks to meth, I'm finally working on...my inner me stuff. Sad it took meth and this long in my life but...hey, I'm alive. It's a new day. Why not work on me?
I'm hurting for you and praying for you.

Love you so and miss you when you aren't around,

See also:

What caused you to stop using Meth?

Why stop meth when you love it so?

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