What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

Lexi
Sunshine

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________

(This is a repost from varies sources on the Internet. Original source is unknown)

Replies...

Tender
heartsKS

Re: What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

That one sentence was very powerful for me, and so true.

I used to drive myself nuts trying to justify in my mind that my addict husband did love me, some how, some way.

Good to see you posting, Wendy. I think of you often

sarah1652

Re: What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

Wow. Sums it up. Sums every single bit of the harsh, crude, hurtful truth up.

Lexi
Sunshine

Re: What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

TenderheartsKS, I think of you every single day and would love to talk to you sometime soon, there are not enough hours in the day it seems like. But that is good because that means I am no longer sitting at home waiting for Chris to change. I am living my life.

starfish
lover123

Re: What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

Thank you Lexi. . .

Addiction is a vortex that sucks everything and everyone else down around it, and I have been trying to escape from it since I was 14 years old. Yes, it hurts and keeps on hurting.

Thanks for the reminder to stop being surprised by the behavior of the addicts I love and stay focused on the pavement ahead of me - just for today - that is all I can do - just for today and just me.

namakimi

Re: What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

Wow, Lexi!!

I need to print that out and stick it on the refrigerator at home...

keepit
simple
forme

Re: What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

Wow. That puts us loved ones in a pretty sad state. That post bummed me out........

Tender
heartsKS

Re: What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

keepitsimpleforme wrote:

Wow. That puts us loved ones in a pretty sad state. That post bummed me out........

May I ask you why it bummed you out? (((hugs)))

keepit
simple
forme

Re: What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

Because when you love an addict --- you have hope that they love you too. To hear that they don't and are just using you --- it hurts.

I also thought the "stop being surprised" was kinda harsh.

I'm having a bad day -- so maybe I'm extra sensitive today.

I know it's futile to expect an addict to behave "sanely" --- but to me -- there are moments of "lucidness" here and there. My husband calls them "in between" times. Or I could be delusional and hearing what I want to hear.

I guess this speaks more for an "active/high addict". Now that Brett's been clean for 5 weeks -- he's got guilt and shame, i.e., feelings...

Loraura

Re: What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

Well, while it's not the answer we want, as someone effected by another in active addiction, it is, in a way, the answer we looked for to no avail. The WHY WHY WHY? WHY can't they just......? The "HOW CAN THEY NOT SEE????"

They can't just (do whatever we want them to) becuase they can't. Even if/when they know it's right and good, the power to follow through has to be there. If it's not, then they still can't do the right thing.

Moments of fleeting power come and go, and for that moment they might be able to do right. But if they are still actively using, that power is GIVEN AWAY. The power to stay sober and the power to do the right thing -- those two powers are dependent on each other. If they can't find the power to stay sober, it's unlikely they can do the right thing in every other aspect of their life. If they can't do the right thing in life, the need to be altered increases exponentially.

Power is what is needed, and powerless is what is happening in active addiction.

keepit
simple
forme

Re: What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

Yeah, I know. I'm having a bad day today. Brett pawned some very expensive night goggles of his dad's. He asked me to go to the pawn shop and pay on them. I am flat broke. I've been pretty much living at his parent's house since the baby got out of the hospital. I had the huge falling out with my parents. His parents have been helping me with gas, etc. to get to and from work. I talked to someone at our meeting last weekend about this and she told me that BRETT needed to tell his dad about the goggles. #1 - so that his dad could go get them before the pawn shop sold them. #2 - because it was BRETT that stole them and pawned them and he needed to get honest and suffer whatever anger his father would feel.

Well, Brett wanted ME to tell his dad. I told him the other night over the phone that I felt that was enabling him. It was making it so that he didn't have to suffer any consequences. He said "Just let 'em go then. But, try to pay on my speakers".....

I told his mom today about the goggles. And, I vented my frustration that Brett keeps asking me to pay on all the things he pawned. She was furious. She gave them as a Christmas present a few years ago and they were like $400. Brett probably got $30 for them. We were all going to drive together to see him this weekend -- it's "Family Day". Now she doesn't even want to go. Not that I blame her. I told her maybe it would be good for him to sit there by himself while everyone else got to see their families. He just never seems to suffer any consequences.

It's not right. We are all struggling with $4.00/gallon gas prices, bills, etc. And, he's still only thinking about himself. Selfish. I told him that last night -- but everything is always a "joke" with him. We get 10 minutes a night to talk and I didn't want to fight about it. So, I joked with him that next he'd want me to start selling the baby's diapers in order to keep his "stuff" safe at the pawn shop. He laughed. On to another subject....

I'm going to get serious with him tonight. Tell him that I honestly feel he hasn't changed all that much. He may be doing "well" at this rehab -- but it's kind of an easy place to do "well". IT's a bunch of guys who joke around all day long with each other. They are required to do classes/meetings, they go to church Wed and Sunday. But, other than that --- he's pretty much staying in a hotel for 6 weeks. At his parent's and our church's expense. Which they still owe $1200 for his stay.

I told him he's not like he was last time. When he went in 2006 --- he was SO HUMBLE when I went to visit and when we talked every night. This time -- well -- not so much. He's still got that "me, me, me" attitude. When I go visit on the weekends if we go in a store for a drink or something he goes and looks at sunglasses and tries to get me to buy some for him. "But I need sunglasses!" Or he will make comments about a good looking truck for sale on the side of the road. Alway something HE wants to have.

I am thankful that he is able to stay an additional 4 months. But, he's got to drop this selfish attitude. I'm sick of being asked to "do things" for him on the "outside". During this last binge --- he got like 6 pre-paid credit cards. Ran them up and guess what? Now he can't pay the bills. He wnats me to. So that his credit isn't affected. He ran up a $500 cell bill. And, now wants me to do something about it. His birthday is July 3rd. He wants a new cell phone. You know -- one of the really cool ones. After all he got me stuff on my birthday last year.

*sigh*

I guess it's time to confront all of this. Which if I know what I think I know --- he's going to get mad --- like the typical Brett I am used to. He might even hang up on me. He did that from jail a few times. I thought -- I'm paying for him to hang up on me?

So, I'm feeling discouraged today. And, I got in trouble at my job for making mistakes on some form letters. I'm distracted.

Thanks for listening.

Tender
heartsKS

Re: What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

keepitsimpleforme wrote:

I thought that might be why you were feeling that way, but I didn't want to jump to conclusions.

There were those rare lucid moments with my then addicted husband that I did truly feel he loved me. That is what tore me up so badly after I left him.

I know what it's like to have an ultra-sensitive day too. Just remember to be good to yourself today. I have days like that too.

I know not everyone embraces the disease concept of addiction, but it helps me in recognizing that much of what my oldest daughter says/does is the disease, and not the true self she buries deeper every day.

I don't think she ever will embrace recovery. You are very blessed that your husband has today

vidaloca321

Re: What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

WOW!!! this is all to familiar to me. sometimes i think that my husband is "testing" me. . . to see how much he can get away with.

starfish
lover123

Re: What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

KISFM,

Sorry you are having a bad day and all this is piling up at one time for you. Today is not a good day for me either - started psychotherapy Tuesday, and it has brought up some junk that I need to purge. The only way through it is through it. When I do what the "world" tells me to do and try to just "get over it," it starts coming out in my subconscious in horrible nightmares. Then I get no sleep and cannot concentrate the next day - a whole day ruined, *sigh.*

You know, my parents are both life-long alcoholics too, and I was returning my mom's call in the afternoon on Wednesday, (well after "beer-thirty" her time,) and hoping to speak with my "mom," instead I got the "alter-mom," the mean one, the one who is nasty and hateful and says ugly things to me. At first, I started to get butt-hurt about it, then I decided that it was a dumb thing for me to do to call her at that hour, because I already know she is going to be drunk. And it was costing me minutes for her to slur her ugliness at me. Why do I do the same things over and over when I already know what the result will be? Now I know: I am seeking the love and acceptance I missed as a child, but I am looking to the wrong source. Our addicts will disappoint us over and over until WE "get it."

It doesn't mean they never loved us, just that it is not possible to truly love someone the way they deserve to be loved in active progressive addiction, just like Brett is doing with the sunglasses and the truck. He's "all him" right now. Maybe that will change with more clean time, and maybe it will not. I sure hope it does for the better and for long term, however, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, unfortunately.

Hope your day gets better.

forget
suzette

Re: What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

CAN'T YOU HEAR ME KNOCKING
(M. Jagger/K. Richards)

Yeah, you got satin shoes
Yeah, you got plastic boots
Y'all got cocaine eyes
Yeah, you got speed-freak jive

Can't you hear me knockin' on your window
Can't you hear me knockin' on your door
Can't you hear me knockin' down your dirty street, yeah

Help me baby, ain't no stranger
Help me baby, ain't no stranger
Help me baby, ain't no stranger

Can't you hear me knockin', ahh, are you safe asleep?
Can't you hear me knockin', yeah, down the gas light street, now
Can't you hear me knockin', yeah, throw me down the keys
Alright now

Hear me ringing big bell tolls
Hear me singing soft and low
I've been begging on my knees
I've been kickin', help me please
Hear me prowlin'
I'm gonna take you down
Hear me growlin'
Yeah, I've got flat-ten feet now, now, now, now
Hear me howlin'
And all, all around your street now
Hear me knockin'
And all, all around your town

....dark days indeed.

xxaddict

Re: What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

i know now to her it looked like i did and it felt like i did. but i never stopped loving. i did stop showing it though.

keepit
simple
forme

Re: What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

Yes, he may not be on drugs right now -- but that is just a "part" of the problem. He's still got the mindset of a using drug addict imho. He is very selfish and he's STILL wanting to "play the game". He's still got that "wheeler/dealer" attitude...........which I absolutey DESPISE. I work, I pay my bills, I go home, I go to bed. That's my life. There's a rap song out there --- I forget the name of it -- it goes "you gotta get yours, I gotta get mine".....that is Brett's life. Very selfish. Very much about "getting over". And, not letting anybody "get over" on him.

He may be clean but his thinking is still very dirty.

He didn't call last night. They must've gotten gigged out and got their phone priveledges taken away. That's another thing about this bunch he's with now. They're very immature and not taking it seriously (again, my opinion). They act like a bunch of immature teenagers. The other night he told me one of them set a cup of lighter fluid on fire in study hall. They're supposed to be studying their notes, their Bible, etc. and they're acting like they're in high school. Brett was laughing about it. I wasn't impressed. I said "They're acting like kids". And, in their sobriety time -- they ARE kids. Addiction stunts your emotional growth. Hence the band "Arrested Development".

I'm just very stressed over here on my side of the world. And, he can't/won't relate. He's still only concerned with Brett.

I'm glad he's going to the other campus soon. They have a full length mirror in their study hall that says in big red letters......Is this your problem? Love it...

Hopefully he'll get "it" there. Becasue I really don't think he's getting "it" where he's at.

starfishlover123 wrote:

What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict

What Addicts Do: Letter from an Addict