Hi everyone. When I met my boyfriend I knew he had a history of
using meth. He convinced me that he didn't have a problem (stupid me)
and only did it once in a while. I told him up front that he couldn't
do it at all if he wanted to be with me. He said no problem, so I
thought everything was great.
The first couple of months were great. We went everywhere, did
everything together. He kept a normal day job, and when we weren't at
work we were always together. He only did it twice in those first
couple of months and both times came home, confessed and apologized.
Then a friend invited him on a trip. 9 days, no particular
destination, just a road trip for fun. He told me not to let him go,
but I told him it was up to him. I'd be fine for 9 days. He knew ahead
of time that the trip would involve meth. I don't know why he told me
not to let him go but then failed to mention the drugs.
Ever since then he's been on it Monday through Thursday (when I'm
gone to work, he hasn't had a job for more than a couple of days in a
long time because he just quits going), and off it Friday through
Sunday. When he's on it he's just weird. When he comes down he's
downright evil. He can go back and forth from "I hate you" to "I love
you" in no time at all. It's crazy.
He always goes and gets high and then comes home at night but last
Monday night he didn't come home. The next morning when he did get
home he was more depressed than I've ever seen. It's the only time
I've ever seen him actually cry (he tried to hide the crying from me,
but I saw it.) I ended up being late to work because I stayed
listening to him go on about how he had destroyed his life and how he
hates meth and what it's done to his life and what he's done to the
people loves to get it. He told me that he doesn't even try to resist
it anymore and he doesn't know why. Said he wants to die.
Since that morning he hasn't done anymore. He has slept almost
non-stop until today. When he is awake he's either mean or just plain
depressed. He swears he's never touching it again. He's out job
hunting today (or, he says he is but I won't count my chickens before
they hatch). I'm seeing a little hope but I don't want to get my hopes
up for nothing either.
My question is, how do I help him stay on track? I know that it's
his battle to fight but I want to help in any way that I can and I
definitely don't want to inadvertently cause him to go back to it. Any
advice or pointers from anyone out there who has quit or who has
helped a loved one quit successfully?
- Sarah
amom -
If you are paying any of his bills, providing shelter and a place
for him to crash, feeding him, etc., then you have to stop. He has to
either sink or swim on his own. As long as you are providing a "safe
haven" he will not hit bottom and until them he will probably not seek
help. Mostly pray for him. That's about all that is in your control.
kim -
I feel your pain. I have been in EXACTLY the same place you're in.
my ex is 3 weeks clean today, but let me tell you...it's been one HELL
of a ride, and it's not over yet. He was once clean 7 weeks and then
relapsed. Sometimes I don't know if I'm strong, weak or just plain
STUPID but the times he has came to me asking for help and wanting to
get clean I have helped him. When I say helped him...I mean offered
support. I stopped the enabling...paying his bills, providing him a
cell phone, etc. all you can do for him is offer your support and
pray. The rest is up to him. Good luck! I'll keep you in my prayers.
Kathi -
Sarah, one way to help HIM is to help YOU. Start by learning all
that you can about this drug and its awful effects on people and those
that love them. My daughter and her husband have been on and off it
for the last 6-8 years - I wish I had known in the beginning what I
know now. I did an awful lot of "helping" for many years that wasn't
helping at all - it was only helping them to stay on it and keep up
the pretenses that all was OK. I was in my mind doing it for the kids,
but I hurt them all nonetheless by always helping them out
financially. By letting him live with you and not carrying his own
load, you aren't helping him, you are actually paying for his drug.
Love, sometimes, must be strong, to be love at all.
Been There -
He is not on track I'm sure he is still using. Most meth addicts
crash and cry and say they hate meth and will never do it again. Mach
subsides are common in meth addicts when crashing. Most addicts want
to quit does not mean they will anytime soon. Feelings are not Fact. I
know your pain and it sucks but it is only going to get worse. His
paranoia will build his anger will become violent; he will blame you
for everything, Lie to your face, cheat on you with another woman or
man. Then come back and cry to you say he is sorry and hates it and
will never do it again. Through time Names he calls you will offend
you at first then it will progress to him not coming home for one
night, and that will offend you then it will be three days out, and
that will offend you. To the point that you are happy that he only
stayed out two days instead of a week. Your codependency will build
and things that you would never put up with you will be justifying to
others in a year from now. Now how could you have a family with this
man and have your kids watch their mother get treated like she is
nothing. Sorry to be so harsh but cutting your losses is the best way
if it is not you kin. Click helpful tips below think there is some
great info there. Good Luck.
Lorrie -
You help him by not helping him.
Scared Angel -
Hi Sarah, I was the user. If it wasn't for the love and strong
support of my boyfriend, I don't know if I can truly say that I would
have been able to get clean.(18 months now). Don't get me wrong. It's
not like he did everything for me. It had to be me putting 100% effort
into just not doing meth anymore, but he never left my side when I
needed to talk, he never judged me and NEVER made me feel guilty. The
only thing that he asked of me was to go to rehab. That was important,
second thing was that he told me from now on its meth or him but I'll
never have both. I was very wowed by such devotion. I also knew that
he meant what he said, him or meth. That is the one and ONLY ultimatum
that he has made, I can understand it. I'm one of those hard headed
people that will walk the other way on an ultimatum, but this one I
knew was for the best. If you love him and am willing to go through
some stressful time during the first year...than stay with him and
help him. Remember to also set the ground rules, and no second
chances. When we slip once and you let us get away with it, we'll keep
trying to trick you knowing that you'll give in on our sob story. But,
I also believe that if you love someone and we ourselves want to be
clean, we deserve a chance, and it's easier when we know that the one
person we truly love loves us back enough to stay and be understanding
as long as we stay clean. Good luck to you.
Sarah -
Thank you everyone for the replies. For an update... he is still
clean- as of when I left for work this morning. I know at least some
of you are thinking that he is still using and I just don't know it,
but I know he's not. I can pick it out on him pretty easy. I guess
some show it more than others but it's pretty obvious to me when he's
on it. Of course that doesn't mean he won't be out doing it today. I
know that's the reality of the situation. As far as paying his bills
and all that, the only thing that I provide him is my home, and I feed
him only if he's home when dinner is served. I don't give him money, I
don't put gas in his car, I don't buy him anything and I don't pay his
bills. I do take care of me and I do have my own friends and my own
life to keep me busy and happy. At this point I am not going to kick
him out. He has made it 9 days. I know that doesn't seem like much but
I know to him that is a major accomplishment. I would be perfectly
comfortable kicking him out if he comes home high again or doesn't
come home (which I realize could be today, or next week, or next
month). But I'm not gonna kick out the man I love when he really is
trying. To scared angel- thank you so much for your reply. It was very
helpful. And congratulations on your 18 months clean. Sounds like you
and your boyfriend are lucky to have each other. I know it may be a
lost cause but I do want to help him however I can. I'm not talking
about financially; I'm talking more about being emotionally
supportive.
