Methamphetamine: Stories
and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents
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It is so bitterly unfair-the horror that meth addicts instill in those that love them. Life is not fair, you here it over and over again. But I disagree. Life is fair. It is people who are not. I could easily have been born to a wealthy family instead of a poor one. This is where God placed me. He is a just God, so how is life possibly unfair? People cheat others, they lie to them, badger and beat them both emotionally and physically. People do these horrible, unfair things to one another, not fate, not life, not God. People.
My ex-husband is a meth addict. There are moments when I hate him for it. But most of the time, I want the best for him. When we met, I allowed myself to believe in God again. I felt that there must be a colossal love fueling humankind for me to love someone so much. The term “soulmate” sounds cliché, but I knew we were made for one another. He meant the world to me. Sometimes I still hope we can be together in heaven, just like we used to talk about, but those hopes are slowly fading.
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I used to think that corrupt politicians were the pinnacle of selfishness now I strongly believe that substance abuse deserves that title. Do addicts ever stop to think about anyone else’s suffering aside from their own? Does the idea of acknowledging a loved one’s suffering instill such fear because it is, in fact, an admonition of guilt? I imagine it would be very hard to open your eyes long enough to see how you are torturing the very people you blame for your addiction. Is the realization that you are the reason for your addiction and everyone’s misery the next inevitable step? That sounds like a slippery slope to me. No wonder it is so easy to avoid putting two and two together.
I was very naïve. I knew nothing of drugs, what they do to people, or what the signs are. Now, I consider myself an authority on the subject. My husband relapsed during our engagement after 5 years of being clean. I thought the reason he began acting so paranoid and strange was stress or cold feet. I thought the reason he stopped sleeping was a result of drinking his usual three energy drinks every day. Turns out it was methamphetamine. I wish I had known better, but better late than never. He confessed two weeks after our wedding, and it still took me six months to truly grasp the horror story I was living. I started therapy and attending Nar-Anon, and everything suddenly made sense. I had escaped the fog, the nightmare, of living and loving a meth addict.
I decided to separate until he agreed to treatment. This was the extent of my naiveté! Turns out, he didn’t want treatment, he didn’t want counseling, he didn’t want to go to church, he didn’t want me. He wanted a lifestyle that didn’t involve a non-user as a wife. I am strong enough now to accept the fact that either he never loved me, or he stopped loving me the moment he took that first hit. He had rediscovered a stronger love than the one he felt for me. That hurts my heart so much. To be rejected by everything I had held so dear, for the sake of a drug. I am healing still. I have since found someone who loves me and makes me happy. It feels good to laugh and be joyful again. So for those of you still in the thick of it, take heart. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You are good and precious and loved. You deserve that light.
--Morgan
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Emails are published monthly. The purpose and intent is to discourage
crystal meth &
methamphetamine use.
If you, or someone you know,
have been affected by crystal meth, please add your story so
others may learn from your experience. We do not disclose
personal information and edit out such when possible.
E-Mail letters to:
kcimeth@yahoo.com |
First off, Happy New Year!
New Years Eve, and what am I doing??? If you'd asked me 5 months ago if I'd be writing this, I'd have said ,WHAT!?........... Meth is killing my ex-girlfriend, once a beautiful, loving, smart, sexy and exceptional woman. Only to be taking over her mind, soul and body. I need to write this, for me and for you. I'm not young, 59, she's 47. I saw all this shit early on, 60's,70's. Friends on Heroin, glue, LSD, PCP, mushrooms, peyote, ups, downs, etc.
About 2 years ago, we meet, all good..........Sometime around August, after she moved, things changed, I thought she was cheating on me, in a way she was. Meth was what she wanted, it's taken over her soul, her world. I proposed to her the end of sept?, the next day, I caught her smoking. I was shocked, but I KNEW I had to leave her, one of the hardest things I had to do!!! I LOVED HER! I tried to talk to her, but I'd seen this before; denial, excusing, bargaining, lying, cheating?! I couldn't trust her!
If you're in this situation, or you know someone in this situation, DO NOT ENABLE THEM!..RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!........ They will take advantage of you, they will steal, cheat and lie to get drugs. It won't matter if their your, son, daughter, mother, father, your life will be in jeopardy, they will not care about YOU!
Of course she's blamed me for all this, she's the victim. I still love her, but I'd rather be alone than to be with an addict!
You people, get a clue, this will ruin your life! .................Protect yourself, and/or get help for your family.
--K
Hi, my name is Angie and I was in hope that I could share my story and it be of help to someone. I done crank for years , all those years I kept hearing this voice telling me not to do it,but me, being hard headed, I just kept on and kept on doing my dope. well, because, I didn't listen to that voice, that voice was the Lord trying to tell me not to do the drugs but I chose not to hear him, so after awhile of him trying to get my attention he finally took my husband away from me, well, I, I went on and decided I just didn't want to live anymore, so I ended up almost dead in the ER, from overdosing, all because of crank! Well, the Lord helped me through that,and I was doing good, and what happened, I started, I went back to the crank, so, the Lord, went back to trying to tell me don't do it, I could actually hear him begging me not to do it, I didn't listen... so on dec.23 2000, I got a phone call from the 911 operator asking me if I knowed a Shaun, and I said yes, why? She told me that I needed to have someone drive me there, she wouldn't tell me anything, so I had a friend that did take me to the hospital, and when I got there I taken to the bak to this room where my youngest son laid brain dead, it wasn't 30 minutes before me and 2 friends was sitting at my kitchen table, snorting crank, and I was thinking to my self, I hope Shaun don't come home right now.....guess what .... he never came home again...... So, please, if you hear this voice or just having a feeling telling you you shouldn't be doing this, please listen, because if you don't listn to your Lord, he will adventually get tired of asking, and he WILL GET YOUR ATTENTION on way or another. my life has never and will never be the same because 1 of my main reasons for living was gone, so please, while you can, please, do your best to stop doing meth....
--Angie
Hi, I am not a meth user, but I am extremely close to someone who is. My older and only brother and sibling is the one that I am talking about. It all started when he was sixteen years old. He was not addicted then, he just drank alchohal constantly. When he turned eighteen he was then addicted to meth and a lot of other things. He was out of control! I did’nt recognize him at all, his act and appearance was constantly changing. He and my dad would always get into fight’s, nearly killing each other.
My brother’s name is Brandon. He is my life, he has always been there for me. He is now 20 years old, and is still addicted to meth and a lot more things. My family and I want to get him help, but we do not know what to do. I am only 14, and i’m really scared for him! Thank You,
--Jeanna
Hello everyone my name is Dave and I am a recovering meth addict. My story is a long and winding one, but I will try and keep it succint and to the point. I want to start by saying, that no matter how hopeless you may feel, there is a future for you, you just have to reach your bottom and slowly turn things around.
My story begins in 1969, the year I was born. I was born to high school sweethearts and had pretty much the perfect childhood. My memories are filled of family outings with lots of cousins and aunts and uncles. My parents did not drink or do drugs, and my dad worked two jobs so my mom could raise me and my sister who was 5 years younger than me. We were the epitome of the middle class, suburban family. I was probably 16 years old before I even tried alcohol, which I tried at parties, typical high school stuff. But it wasn't until my senior year that I tried pot. I liked the way it made me feel and it was easier to do and get than alcohol. Once I went to college, I continued smoking pot, and even experimented with the so called "hard" drugs like acid, ecstacy, coke, and crank.
But as I grew older and into my 20's the only habit I kept was pot. I really didn't even consider it a problem. I would go to work, work out, come home, fire up a joint, smoke half of it and fall asleep. I mention my pot use, because it is what led me to something FAR more sinister. Pot is called a gateway drug, primarliy because that is what it is. It's use typically crosses paths with other drugs.
I think the year was 1999 and I was 30 years old the first time I tried meth. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at my pot dealer's house when someone passes me a glass pipe. I had been there many times before and never saw anything of the like. I'm sure it was there before, I just never saw it and no one ever offered it to me. I was completely into my pot smoking and that kind of stuff just did not "exist" in my world. If I could go back in time to ANY exact moment and do something different, it would be the moment I was handed that glass pipe. I'm fairly certain that I didn't even know what was in it, but I blindly hit it anyways. From the very moment I hit the pipe, I knew I liked it. I went home that day with my bag of pot and a RAGING speed high. I swear I felt like superman. My wife must have thought so too, because I probably had sex with her for 6 times that night....wheeeeew!!!
Now when I would go see my "pot" dealer, I would sit around and hit this "new and wonderful" drug and for the first time, I left there with pot and meth. At first I would get just 20 or 30 cents and get my $50 bag of weed. But soon I was buying less and less weed and more and more speed. I started sneaking around my house doing it behind my wife's back. She did it on a couple of "special" occaisons with me, but I began doing it secretly more and more until it became a daily habit.
Now that I had this new habit, I had to find a way to pay for it. So I came up with this grand scheme. I borrowed $10,000 from my 401k, opened a secret bank account, and secret PO box for all the bills to go to. I was able to keep my habit from my wife, coworkers, and family. So far, so good. When my wife would go out of town for the weekend to see her mom in OK, I would go "hog wild." I would spend the night at the dealers house doing meth and enjoying my new sport, chasing dope whores......
Finally, in 2004, I got the bright idea to go "full-time" with my meth obsession. I confesed to my wife about my secrect financial dealings and the reason I did it was to purchase drugs. I then moved into my mother's house and dove in the the "meth world" with much gusto. By day I was a mild mannered computer technician, but at night, I turned into a dope smoking, whore chasing freak. But that wasn't enough. As my connections grew, I met dope cooks and got connected with Mexicans in south Dallas. These connections allowed me to begin start making thousands of dollars a weak running meth and dealing when I wasn't running. I made so much money that I considered quitting my measly $60,000 dollar a year job because it was cutting into my time.
I barely remember 2005, I was probably high EVERY day that year and could barely tell you a single thing I did that year. But in May of 2006, something happened that would change my life forever. I had gotten away with so much for so long.... I boasted to anyone and everyone that I was never going to get caught and couldn't tell you how many times I was pulled over, with dope in my car, and never searched. I thought I was untouchable. Then it happened. I was caught in a sting operation delivering a quarter pound of meth, and it wasn't even mine!!! I had been "snitched" on by a dope fiend who was working with the cops. And altough I didn't see it right away, this apparently unfortunate event, turned out to be the single best thing that could have happened to me.
You see I was the hard headed type that was never going to seek help. I loved life in the fast lane, and had gotten away with so much for so long that I really did think I was invincible. In reality, I had thrown away a perfectly good marriage, and was on the way to losing the best job I had ever had. I was 37 years old, living in my mother's house in a room that can be be described as filthy. Previously before I was busted, I had contracted a staph infection on the back of my neck where it met the base of my head. I tried operating on myself rather than seeking medical attention....CRAZY ASS SHIT!!!
I eventually wound up in the emergency room, having ot have neck sliced open and prescribed antibiotics. But eve that didn't get me to stop using. It took me getting busted, and although it may have seemed like a selfish thing for someone to do, I now realize that getting busted was a God's send.
After I was busted I was a total wreck. One of the true miracles was that I spent less than 24 hours in jail before my "friends" got me out. And because of that, I missed only one day's work and was able to keep my job from knowing about my arrest. But I now was facing a first degree felony that could land me in prison for 5 - 99 years. Although it was my first offense, the sheer amount I was busted with, probably meant I would do some time. And the true kicker was that I was in probably one of the court of one of the toughest judges in Tarrant county. With the future bleaker than ever, I began looking for the best legal representation money could buy. When I found my attorney, he took one look at my case, noticed the charge and the court I was in, and told me that he wanted $20,000 to take the case. And after he told me that, he said that he still could not guarantee that he could keep me out of jail.
To be continued.....Dave
I am a mother of a Meth addict my son Paul is 30 years old he was introduced to meth by a hitch hiker, he is a repeat offender he gets out of jail and go's back to the meth and back to jail he go's, I put out thousands of dollars for attorneys, he has been doing meth for about 12 years, that I know of, I am so devastated by his actions, he was never exposed to drugs as a child, and in fact had a middle class upbringing, soccer, wrestling, and lots of after school sports, he was always happy I helped him get a very good job with the union, and because of the addiction he lost it, he met up with young women, and had 2 children and still kept using drugs, they lost there children to the state, I am beside myself, my heart is so heavy with sadness, I can not even tell you how many times I have went to bed crying, I pray everyday for God to help him before he gets killed or over dose, he is right now sitting in a county jail for making meth again and he just got out 2 months ago, the bail was set for 150,000 I refuse to be a part of this terrible cycle any more, I would rather him go to prison for the rest of his life, then to see him die. I pray God will stop this madness. I love my son I just can not believe this has happened, I had so many hopes and dreams for him, My Heart is Broke
--Sarah
It almost ruined my life i was addicted for 9 yrs, I lost over a hundred pounds, lost all my moral and values, i lost my husband, I didn't take care of my kids, they never had new clothes and only ate at school, if they went to school, I didn't care, all I cared about was me and staying high, I got in with the wrong crowd, my father died and I didnt attend his funeral I was completely numb, my cousin was killed at my home during a party, so I had no choice but treatment soon after I begin to use again ,although not as heavily befor, this time around it took a bigger toll on my body i was going into my middle 30's, I could no longer stay high for weeks because my body was worn out. My mother died of cancer, during that yr 2007. I begin to realize that after 2 days of no eating or sleeping that my heart couldnt take it, my last time using my heart starting beating so hard and fast and wouldnt slow down, my face and jaw was becoming numb, I was scared I was dying of a heart attack, I kept praying God please I'll never do meth again don't let me die, finally my heart returned to normal, I slept that night in a recliner because everytime I tried laying down my heart would race again. The next day I asked my daughter to take me to the hospital where I told them of my palpatitions, they took ex-rays and cat scans finding out I had a hernia, so I was rushed to mayo for emergancy surgery, all the while i had a filled pipe in my coat pocket, well I recovered from surgery and threw the pipe away, as of dec 28,2008 I've been clean for a year, and I'm proud, I've gained quite a bit of weight back but my husband still loves me and my children have forgave me, I now have relearned to feed and clothe my children, I need work on housekeeping and laundry but that will come someday,I am a happy grandmother at the age of 39,I have some issues with anxiety but nothing I can't live with, I owe this all to God through prayer, mine and others who care about me, but I know if i ever get high again I can and will die either of a stroke or heart attack, so I'm living proof that you can regain a life with the help and support of family, but most of all God!
--Shelly
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