My name is Mike. I'm 29. Today is the 3rd of October, 2004
   This comes straight from my inner soul. September 2003 thru July 4 2004 That was my meth era. Right up front...Words can't describe how thankful I am that I quit. The feeling of happiness is over taking my body as I write this. For all of you that started using which eventually was followed by complete emptiness followed by that last emotional break down before you quit know this 'meth free' happiness.
   On July 4th I called my parents and told them I wasn't coming to the family get together. Told them I was spending it with good friends and that I was sorry for missing the fireworks display that Mom and Dad had put together for everybody.
   The truth. Well, pathetic describes it. My meth friend Rob and I were going to get our meth smoke on and do what ever.
   That was Sunday. Monday rolled around. After being up all night shooting some pool and playing cards it was time to leave Robs, go back home and get ready for work. Again like users know, the feeling of leaving the meth was to depressing and abnormal. So, there was only one option. Call in sick to work. No problem. I've done it before. It wasn't to long after that, still at Robs of course, still plenty of meth left, that it hit me. Hard! I was addicted...it was taking over my life. Slowly. It had been 10 months since I started. That realization messed me up that morning. Crying, sobbing, and thoughts of complete defeat overcame me. It only lasted, oh, 8 hrs! During that time that day I was a complete mess. I wanted out. No more Meth. It's funny now that I think back. Rob really didn't care. He and I still smoked/sniffed our share that morning. But for me. I cared. I knew it had to end. THERE WAS NO OTHER OPTION. So I did. I quit. I'll never get high on Meth again.
   That thought. 'Never doing it again' at the time scared the shit out of me. How could I get by without it. Well. I did.
   Ok. One medium helped me. Meth internet sites. That Monday I searched sites, read and cried my eyes out. Sites like this one woke me up. Reading stories helped me realize that this promise I made to myself that day was sticking.
   Just to finish getting this off my chest. First my parents and family never knew. I'll never tell them. But. If I continued using they would have found out. Maybe by my appearance? I weighted 130 at the end (normally I would be at 160). What would have busted me though wasn't my appearance, but rather the urge and Physical need to include them in my life again. At the end I had lost them as part of 'me'. I would have told them. Looking for help. Telling them would scare them. For sure shit would have hit the fan. Mom and Dad (for others maybe good non user friends, etc) would have done something. But anyway, they didn't have to.
   It took more then one emotional break down, believe me, to quit by the way. This last one though is the one where I made the promise to get my life back. Fortunately I never lost my job of 4 yrs and on the same note...things were never radically out of control.
   So I guess my point of all this. Quit on your own if possible.
   So If you have friends/family that use and you know; When you see those signs of break down, that's the time to jump in and bring that break down up as the best reason to quit. It's when Meth can't pull us back from the break downs that we know....hopefully know it's time to quit.
   When you lie to yourself about your addition being a problem. A problem related to your emotional and physical functions, like with any drug/substance, Meth will Run you down to Empty. We can't help ourselves when there's nothing left. At least you can build yourself back with even a small amount of reserve. What is this reserve? You fill in blanks. For me. It's the level of caring for myself and the ones I love. I rebounded from my reserves. So to can others you care about that are users or if you're the one using. Make that promise.
--Mike

   I am a mother of three children, two of which have been on crystal meth for over 8 years. My son and his girlfriend are both getting out of rehab (again) he for the fifth time and she for the second. They have one child two years old. She has two other children and is pregnant again. They were both clean for almost one year before relapsing.
   My daughter is in rehab for her first time. She has been clean for three months. She was injecting and had been for years. She has a son and a boyfriend who does not want to get clean at all.
   Yes, I know every law enforcement and judge in two or three counties. I do not trust them. I think only a handful really want to end this problem.
   We have lost everything. Cars, electronics, furniture, even my home. I am interested in what works. What type of program works best for those who have been using for a long time? How long should one stay in a program or a halfway house? Does anyone know of the long term effects on the children born to a mother who was using during her pregnancy?
   I believe my son each time he tells me he does not want to do this. This drug is evil. It knows no social boundaries. It does not care how old you are. It does not care where you came from, how smart you were, how educated you are or who your parents are. It can affect anyone. Just one user can affect so many people. I have seen my ex-husband get addicted and almost loose everything. I have a friend who lost a business and a half million dollar home.
   I have had to raise a child again. My daughter’s father has had to raise a child again also. My mother is sick and broke. I have had two nervous breakdowns. We were the typical middle class family. I worked my ass off to buy a home. My children stole and sold most anything they could. I would help them with cars and they would destroy them. They sold furniture and clothing to get dope. Anything of value is gone.
   I need some hope. I have some conviction. I want to find a program that really works and I am going to hound my state representatives to death until something is done. I hope my children are going to be okay but there are millions more out there and I know how their families feel. I am going to work until I die helping families. I just need a little more information. This drug is not like alcohol or other drugs. It seizes you and will not let go.
   I will made a difference, if only a small one.
--Gina

   Hi, my name is Jessica and I posted in this forum a couple of years ago. I'm almost 24 now and I've continually come back to this site to read the stories that people post.
My heart reaches out to each and every one of you. I care about you, the person reading this post who currently uses meth, and also you, the concerned loved one of a meth user that came to this site seeking help.
   I don't have all the answers. I just hope that I can provide information that can help someone, even if it's just one person.
   I repeatedly see the same phrase, worded differently: This is the Devil's drug. It's true. People who have been doing meth *have* been letting the Devil into their body, more and more each time. It's a tool (like other drugs) that Satan uses to distract you away from God's intended purpose for your life. I have truly never seen anything more powerful than methamphetamines at accomplishing this. Such an evil and corrupting substance.
   I see hopelessness, fear, desperation, and the loss of a will to live in almost every meth user's post. This is exactly what the Devil wants you to feel. He's making you feel this way with the drug. You were not born on this earth to use drugs that will kill you before you can fulfill your purpose! You were born to go to heaven. God had a plan for you before you were even born. He wants you with him for the rest of ETERNITY. If you're alive, reading this post, then it's not too late for you. I PROMISE!!!!!! Just as you swear that you can't stop using meth, I swear that you can still be with God in heaven after your days come to an end. You and I both know that it's a fact that we will all die one day.
   Our life on earth wasn't meant to be about personal fulfillment. It's not about gaining wealth, fulfilling your ambitions, or career success. We were put here by God for a specific purpose. It's not about you. It's about living your life for God. I don't want to scare anyone away at this point by making them feel like they have already ruined their lives to the point that God doesn't even want them anymore. It's just the opposite. Satan is attacking you because he wants more than anything to take you to hell with him, and he wouldn't be bothering you if you weren't meant to be one of God's children. We have all sinned, and it doesn't matter how much we have or how many evil things we've done. It is never too late.
   I know that this drug puts meth users into overdrive until they feel they've lost everything because of their addiction. But they have never lost God. He has always been with you. It breaks my heart to read the stories that are filled with such despair.
   I know that so many of you had no idea what road you were stepping onto; a friend offered you something that would make you feel "awesome" and then your life revolved around getting more and more of this unbelievably addictive drug. You stopped caring about the things that were important and only cared about getting high. It's a chemical inlet that Satan used to trick and distract you to try to drive you insane.
   I know that many loved ones of meth users feel like there's nothing they can do. I know that 99% of meth addicts feel like they will never be able to stop. But just as surely as you were born, you can bring yourself out of this and fulfill what your real purpose in life is.
   I personally had no idea what my purpose was until I began reading "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. If I had enough money, I would buy copies for each and every one of you. I hope that there is a library nearby where you might be able to check out this book. It's not judgmental. It's not a self-help book. It literally tells you the reason why you were put on this earth. It's all true and it turned my life around. Without God life is meaningless.
   If you can take the time to tweak and draw in notebooks and write poems about meth, then you can take the time to read something that will save your soul after you die. Being on earth is just a test. We're only here for a fraction of a moment in time. Until you understand why you were put here, you'll continually chase after things that will be meaningless and worthless after you pass away. Think about it. Think about your funeral (it WILL happen one day). Do you want people crying because you overdosed on meth? Or do you want them to remember you because you were able to create wonderful relationships with them, and were able to help so many people the way God intended you to, by spreading his love and fulfilling your purpose? (You can find out exactly how to do this by reading the book mentioned above).
   I promise you that every word I've spoken is true. You may have given up on your family, your financial security, your children, your job, and everything else, but PLEASE don't give up on yourself. You were created for a special reason and that reason can still be accomplished. I promise you that if you can obtain this book, and follow it, then you will go to heaven. Period. I'm not trying to sell books or religion. I'm just hoping that at least one person can be saved by reading this. I don't want any of you to end up spending eternity in hell because you made the mistake of trying meth. God wants each and every one of you with him; that's why he created you. You've just been sidetracked and that's all. Thanks for reading this long email. Sincerely,
--Jessica

   I'm 22 years old and the mother of two young children, 3 yrs and 1 year. I live in one of the biggest meth towns in texas, wichita falls. the first time i used was late june of 2004. Today it is october 9, 2004. since then I missed my daughter's first birthday, she lives with my mother and my son and I have barely seen each other. I first tried it with my ex-husband (the father of my children) and my best friend of 10 years. I have dated and lived with my dealer and slept with two of the biggest manufacturers in the area. I weighed less than 100 lbs at one point and the skin around my eyes started to hang from being so sunk in. I spent close to $35, 000 in legal fees to keep custody of my son in the last three years, and have wasted it all away. I've always prided myself on being such a great mother, no matter what. This drug took me from my children, my family and everyone I ever loved and cared about. I lied when needed, I fought if necessary, and was treated like the biggest piece of dirt from so many people. I am now trying to recover and it is the hardest thing I've ever done. I was addicted to the life that comes with using, just as much as I was addicted to the drug. I woke up one day and realized I couldn't get anymore, everyone was in jail or running from the police. I met a man that instantly I fell in love with, he had a power over me, and one day I hope to marry this man and wake up to him every morning. I was horrible to him, and just now am trying to rebuild the relationship, to be a family with him and my children is all I want. Walking away from the life was difficult, and it is a struggle everyday. My name is Tiffany and I live in Texas, I am the mother of two, and an ex-addict.
--k

   Hi my name is Cynthia and i use to be a meth user and here is a story.
   I had met a few guys on the internet and was going to meet them in person since they seemed like nice guys. They lived a ways away from my house so i told my mom I was going to my boyfriends for the night and instead I went to meet these guys. They had told me that they were 19 and they only drank. When I had got there they were doing a drug I had never seen before. They looked like they were in there early thirtys. There was another girl in the house and she was about my age. She had told me that its not safe there and to come with her. We went walking around downtown and saw alot of people she knew. She every so often went to the bathroom and smoked in the stall and said she was smoking a cigrette. That night she phoned a dealer she knew and we walked across town on foot to see him. i didnt come home for two days and i had overdosed on meth and i had done exstacy. When i went home my mom wasnt that mad she just grounded me. For two weeks i felt as if i needed more and i made excuses why i should go back to that dealers place. So on my way to work one day I caught a cab and got money and went to that place. i had waited for 5 hours forr someone to show up. Finially Ashley a dealer showed up and right after her, her ex boyfriend showed up his name was Dan.
   Ashleys mom had showed up and wanted to take her for dinner so I was left alone with Dan. We had cleaned up a stolen bike and smoked some meth. Then we went out to pick up a stolen computer. We had stopped at a abondoned garage and sat down. I ended up sleeping with him with no protection. Then we had gone and met another dealer. I spent $1200.00 on meth and smoked it all in two days. I had stole from many stores and had stole a bike. I was even breaking into cars. Anyways I left the dealers house on the first night and ended up going suicidle and cuting my leg all up. I had told the dealers that I was 17 with two kids. And I told them that the father of the kids wanted to kill me. They for some reason believed it. I had gone downtownwith Dan and when i was going back into ashleys house i turned around and my step father was there right in my face my mom was parked across the street at the shell....BUSTED
   I was so high on meth i thought he was someone else. They were holding me down to the ground they had yelled at Dan that they were getting a 14 yr old high on meth and if he doesnt leave now then thier going to get him arrested. They had phoned the cops to try and get me under control. I had told the cops that my stepdad had raped me not knowing what i was saying i had fought with 5 cops that night and in the end i still had to go home. I had gone downstairs and laid on my couch and i was out. I had to deal with social services and everything. Now it has been a year I am 15 with a one year old and all i think about is meth and i have a kid now andthis kid cant meet his father because hes on the streets hooked on meth and i still can not think of a way how to tell my baby boy where his daddy is.DONT START!learn from me my life is ruiended
--Cynthia

   Hi I am a 23 year old who was born in Ohio , I lost my parents when I was young they died in a car accident when a drunk driver hit them. I was on meth and I countiued to do meth until six weeks ago now. I found out I am having a baby. which I am one month 1 week . I had friends who I also thought would be there for me all the time. BOY was I wrong . They dropped me like a hot potato and want nothing to do with me. I wonder about what life would be like if I had my parents and not been raised by Grandma and Grandpa.
   I am now 23 with a baby on the way I am in rehab and family counseling with other parents who are single. I have no clue who the daddy is or nothing this is a scary part of my life but I can tell you that I am clean today and if it was not for the baby I probably be still a using.
   I am telling my story for the simple reason if you are pregnant STOP using for you and the baby who knows how much damage can be done. I am looking forward to having a healthy child. at first I wanted to give up the baby but now I want to keep it so I can be reminded that I can love something or someone and I am a good person.
   When reading this letter I hope I am sending a meassage to those who still are using or not using just remember that OUR lives are worth living and so is our children and also that life can be positive and good to all of us. The drug is evil and destroys all what ever or who ever it comes in contact with .
   I hope who ever reads this can relate, Or just think about the different roads and paths that meth can bring you down in life.
   My mom used to say this to me all the time:

You can run but you can Never hide
You always have a choice in life
You always can be free if ya let your mind do it
You always will have a heart of gold if you allow it to love
and last but not least
Your mine and I love ya no matter what ya do wrong or the poor choices I will make for were all not perfect in life.

   I want ya to remember life can be wonderful if ya allow yourself to be YOU!
--Straight23

   I am a 32 year old wife and mother, I found out my husband uses meth, I am not sure how long he has actually been using but I can look back now and see changes in him I thought were my fault. He would tell me that I was always checking up on him and that is why he was so nasty to me. He would say I was paranoid about stupid stuff. I started to believe him I really couldn’t figure out why he was soooo angry, why he was so mean and why he would do the things he would do. This was a man that was so good to me and really cared about things and was very calm and laid back that was why I really thought my "nagging" had changed him that was until I found a glass pipe in his truck. I was dumbfounded I was in such shock that I actually walked into a store with the pipe still in my hand and the truck door wide open in the parking lot. Since then I have taken him back 2 times after hearing he would stop and get better. Somehow I still in someway think I have done something wrong to make him so crazy I just can't believe this is in my home. Now I just found a pipe with meth residue again, this time hidden in my car. ( the car i drive our 9 year old daughter around in. ) I have thrown him out again and this time I am ignoring the promises, but I do admit I feel sorry for him and want to believe his promises.
   I really don't understand this drug. I am not sure what to look for except of course the anger. I keep thinking everything will get back to normal............He says he does not use all the time just once a week or so to get through is work schedule.....what the hell does that mean?!!!
Thank you for your site at least here I can get some REAL answers
--Trish

   I have been using meth for only about 4 months, but already I can see how it's screwing up my life. I told myself when I started using it that it would only be for the summer, but that didn't happen. I told myself that there would be no way that something could ever control me - I am too strong, too smart.. I still tell myself that. It seems almost as if I deceive myself more than the meth does.
There have been times when I hate what the meth has done to me and to my life. I know that it's what's doing it, but then I still choose to keep on doing it. It's the most ridiculous cycle to be in. It's a constant struggle with my emotions. I get so easily pissed off at my friends and family, and have even cut some of them out of my life completely. Funny though, I'm "friends" with my dealer, and the two of us get along great...
   I am a person that thrives on being around people. I live alone, and to go without talking to someone is like a slow death. Since I started using meth, I have begun to almost hate people. They seem so dumb, and I think I am just on such a higher plane than they are. Another "fun" effect I get is some paranoia. I think that everyone knows that I've been smoking it, and that they are looking at me. I think that I look funny or something, and I get very vey self conscious. So I try not to go out in public alone when I'm on it - which is often - so I'm alone in my apartment a lot.
   It's frustrating to see and be aware of all that's going on, but either not care, or not be able to do anything about it. I'm only 21, and I feel like my life is just not even worth anything anymore. I'm in college (majoring in Psychology...ha!), on the Dean's List, have friends... I used to have things going for me... But slowly I'm letting it all go down the drain.
   I can't say "don't do meth" as some kind of advice to others, because obviously that didn't work for me. I even read articles and stories, like mine, about what it does to people before I started using, and in the beginning. I knew the consequences. If someone is going to do it, they are going to do it regardless. It's sad. But if you think that you are stronger than the drug like I did, you are going to get a big slap in the face. It's not worth it. If you want to screw up your life, that's your choice... How many happy endings are there? None.
--PP

   Hi. My name is Jessica, I'm 16 years old, and already I have feel into meth's horrible curse. You see, my mom has been using meth for almost over 10 years. I have seen my mom go through some horrible shit because of this drug. Over this summer, I became this HUGH "tweeker".... And this is how it happened... You see, my best friend, Kristen, asked my mom if she could get high with her, and like the dumb ass my mom is, she said yes. Kristen became addicted. One night, Kristen, and another friend of mine and me by the way, went through my moms room, and we found one of her "stash" it was a hugh rock, and some leftovers from another one. Kristen asked if I wanted to try it, and I said yes. We made a pipe out of a light bulb, and smoked in my closet. I was higher then a kite, I felt soo good, it made me happy, not hungery... Soon, as the summer progressed, I became an addict. I would get it for free left and right because people that my mom knew, knew me to, and they would just hand it to me, or smoke with me like it was candy. And I remember sometimes, I would look soooo horrible from picking at my face, and not sleeping or eating. One night, I was picking at my self in the bathroom, andI started to pick at my cheast, and then 2 hours later, my cheast was just a big purple scab, and it looked discusting. Kristen soon moved away, and I thought my tweeken days were over. Little did I know, they werent. I meet a guy in my neighboor hood who also did it. So, one night me and my friend went to his house, and he smoked with us... That weekend was one of the most dramatic weekends I have ever had in my life. I also got a new boyfriend. He knew about my tweeken days, and stuff, and he asked me to please stop. I did one time behind his back, and he found out. When I saw the look on his face, he was SSOOO PISSED. A couple of days from now, he will be moving. We are still gonna be together. And everytime he gonna come and visit me, he gonna look for signs to see if I'm high. I'm not gonna be high when I see him. I'm done with that bullshit. I don't wanna turn out like my mom at all... I will admit, I had some fun, but its over now... I love my boyfriend so much, and he worth more then that shit.
--Jessica

   I am a secret meth user, I am 44 years old and an a well known loan broker in my area, I own a large home, drive a nice sportscar and am a mother of 4 boys, all are great guys, working and are living on their own, I have been divorced for 12 years and raised my boys without any help or child support. The only one that knows that I do this drug is my dealer, my boyfriend is big into AA for 12 years and has no clue that I have to drink this drug every single morning to get up and at um. everyone I have known that is associated with this drug loses everything, I am very good at my profession and if I didn't do this drug I would be very weathy. I am well off now but only because I am such a proud person, I will not let myself lose everything I have worked so hard to get. But I hate having to do this drug each and every morning in order to get it together, 15 years now and I just want to quit. I can't go to rehab because then everyone would find out my secret and I can't just stop because I have no time to just sleep it off. Believe it or not, I an a functional drug addict, apparently. I don't flip out or steal from people, like I know most people that do this drug do. Its only by the grace of god (yes I am a believer) that I have mantain this secret life. But I want to be just a normal every day person but I don't know how. How can I secretly quit? Please don't tell me that I can't unless I go into rehab because that is not an option. Is it too late for me? If anyone has any suggestions, Im open to hear them. Thanks.
--RM

   I have just finished a marathon reading session on this we site....after reading about all this destruction, death, pain and sorrow i had to write my story....I was married for 15 years to a meth user. I have cried thousands of tears over this man...when we first met we were both coke users then we moved to slo county to get away from all the dealers and triggers to start over....well we just discovered meth instead...it was so much better that the blow....we got custody of his 2 year old son (now 18) and i stopped using and became mommy....for the next 15 years a nightmare of living with an addict began. On and off 2 years sober, 1 year high, in and out of jail, thousands of dollars on legal fees, lost income, every holiday, occasion, or event certain to be ruined because my husband had become such a freak on that shit.....i had a son with him too, so it was really heartbreaking to watch the disappointment on their faces when dad disappeared the day before their birthday or christmas etc.....i became so isolated because i was so ashamed of staying with him....my friends and family were sick to death of hearing me cry that he was back on the crap......on and on until he started becoming delusional and insane on it. ...he became very weird sexually (which is something i hadn't noticed anyone else on this site experiencing) the last straw whas when my son found out that i was crying and very upset at his dad cause he had taken my clothing and make up and was parading around town in full drag. He also was sure the satanist were after him cause he was a freak and did bizarre things...so they were going to kill him and eat him....i said SEE YA! that was my awakening i just thanks Jesus that he was with me the entire time....i really tried to help him but in the end i can see i was just enabling him to continue to get sicker....i am divorcing him now and i still really miss him the way he was, i look at pictures of our little family and it hurts my heart so bad! all of you out there please dont ever do it! if you are STOP now! he is finally in a NA group and has a sponser is going to church and of course is so sorry...but its really sad casue he is the one who did this to himself and he has to live with it.....i just wish that every meth dealer in this universe would just dry up and blow away....
--Joanne

   Well let's see I am 40 years old I have done meth for the last 6 years every day. I lost my home my kids my cars and my self-respect, dignity, and anything else you can imagine to this drug. I have cooked it dealt it and did it with a tenacity that should have been spent on some constructive things. It is no ones fault but my own I accept complete responsibility for everything that has happened in my life. There is not alot of hope for recovery from this drug as I now research this on all these web-sites. I am clean now have been for 3 months, not because of re-hab not because of God not anything that all these so called professionals say will help you kick this habit. It is not like any drug they have dealt with before, and most don't know shit about it. I quit because for six months the last I might add I made myself take 10 minutes out of my hectic drug spun day every day and I sat in front of pictures of the people I loved and list of the things I lost and I just sat in front of it and looked at these things and as I did I would say to myself I HATE THIS F**KING SHIT, every single day. Then I woke up after a 4 or 5 day binge then the coming down sleep of the dead, and decided that I was completely chicken shit. For all the labs I went in and all the dangerous situations I walked through all the gangsters I dealt with on a daily basis I was the most self centered piece of shit coward I could name in my entire life. I ripped apart the people I loved I lied I Cheated Lost the one man who truly loved me to this dope, and anyone of true honor would take themselves out or stop living this chicken shit lie. I was so consumed with me me me that I lost sight of the others we destroy in this selfish process. All the time I have told my daughter I love her she said to me in her 10 years of infinite wisdom "I now know you mean it because you aren't saying it high." If that isn't motivation I don't know what is. If I ever get high again it will only be one last time, I will not do this to anyone I love ever again, that includes myself. This is hard I won't lie and there are good days and really, really bad ones. The 3 month seems to bring up alot of dulled emotions I have trouble with but at least I have emotions again. My name is Jamie and I come from Sherman,Texas, and to all the people still there still getting high, you better stop cause I am getting sober and then I am coming back to get the rest of you that way, and you know what a bitch I am just imagine a lucid and comprehensive one.
--Jamie