Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs |
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I'm a 15 year old girl, and I started doing meth when i was
about 14...that summer in fact. i was with the girl who was my
best friend at the time, and we were at her house, and she was
doing meth around me. she had been doing it for about a month
when i was their, and i just helped her out with it, loaded the
pipe, lit the candle, cracked the dope before she smoked it,
stuff like that. i myself had never taken a hit. that changed
one day when she offered it to me. she said that it was the best
feeling in the world, that it was soo fun and so awsome, and
that she wanted me to be happy with her. i said no, but i went
to the bathroom, and was just standing in front of the mirror,
looking at myself thinking, oh one hit wont kill me. So i went
out and had some. it really was the best feeling i had ever
had... EVER! we smoked an 8 ball that night, and i was fucking
in love with it. i hvave never felt that good in my life, i
wanted to keep going and going and going. but i couldn't, we ran
out, so we wernt searching for it, we walked all the way across
town to get some, but we didnt get any, so we walked all the way
back. it sucked...so we continued to do that for about a year, i
was in love with it, and didnt ever want to stop. but my friend
who supplied it for me quit, so i had to quit with her, it was
the worst thing i had ever felt, i was searching on the carpet
of my friends house, just looking for a tiny grain, i realized
it was bullshit, and it wasnt worth it. So I quit, and felt okay
after i stoped it. i still wanted it. so I told my stepmother
that I did meth, and she got so mad at me. she told me that my
birth mother died from doing to much meth, and her immune system
failed, that made everything terrible for me, i felt awful about
it. that put into perspective how bad meth really was. Whenever
I hear anyone saying ANYTHING about meth, i want it so badly,
even flour reminds me of it. im not addicted anymore I think,
and i really want it...i just wish i never started.
I buried my beautiful 25 year old daughter on April 8, 2005. She
was found dead in the backseat of her truck on April 4, 2005.
Some wonderful person got her to try methamphetamine shortly
after the birth of her son - he will be two on May 19, 2005. He
no longer has a mommy. She took meth for aprox. 6 months, every
day. She was suffering from post partum depression, and then had
6 other children deposited on her - being overwhelmed and
depressed - she tried the meth because they told her it would
make her smart, and give her energy. Gullible girl - she went
from 130 to 85 lbs. She had her child taken from her. She slowly
seemed to recover, but never quite made it. She convinced a
doctor that she had adult attention deficit disorder and he gave
her Addarol - which was the beginning of the end. after taking
for a month and not liking how it made her feel, she quit taking
it - then she took too much, and then the depression really got
ahold of her. She was bouncing off the walls, she was psychotic,
delusional, paranoid, afraid of water, the devil, etc. She drove
back and forth between Ohio and Oklahoma (where her baby is) and
(Ohiio where her family is), she was on her fourth trip back - I
just spoke to her and she called me all happy about coming home
again. She called two hours later and told me she was violently
ill, throwing up for two hours, and then 1/2 hour later she
admitted that she thought she might have taken too many aspirins
- wouldn't tell me how many, didn't or couldn't or wouldn't go
to a hospital - and died within a few minutes to three hours
after she hung up the phone from talking to me. This stuff
kills, sometimes fast, sometimes it takes awhile - but it steals
your family, your soul, your body, your mind. and eventually,
your very life. If I can convince one child not to try this
awful drug, If I can save one set of parents the anguish of
losing their beautiful child - maybe I will find peace. Maybe my
daughter will find peace.
I have a 33 year old son that has done meth by needle for 8
years ,he has lost his 2 sons, family , respect , everything.
Now he sits in the hospital on Kidney Dialysis due to meth. That
should make you want to quit. Nobody ever warn nay meth user
that I know of Kidney Failure .
It's crazy to know that other people experienced the hell I went
through with meth. I am 21 years old and a recovering addict.
When meth was offered to me the first time I had no idea where
it was giong to take me. At the time I had a good job and good
friends. I got hooked right away. Before I knew it I was staying
up for weeks at time. I went from a good home to living with my
40 year old drug dealer who just spent 10 years in prison. My
life began to fall apart. I went from working as a secretary to
stripping to make money for the drugs. Since my "boyfriend" was
a drug dealer I did a ton of meth. He would have a duffle bag
full of meth at all times and as long as I was "good" I got
drugs. I went from 125 pounds to 80 pounds in 9 months(I looked
dead). My drug dealer knew he had me hooked so he did whaterever
he wanted with me. I would try to leave but he would either slit
his wrists or beat me up. The sad thing is that I got away a
couple of times but went back to him for the glass. The strip
club I worked at fired me because of my weight loss so he was my
only supplier. My boyfriend got robbed one night and I happened
to be ay home. Two guys put a gun to my head and almost killed
me. They told me to run for my life as they started shooting
toward the back door I was running out of. I have a lot more
stories like this that I wouldn't even put in writing. My body
was being abused sexually and physically. I would let guys get
me so high that I would have sex with them. I would mix meth and
ghb together thinking it would help me not "feel" the sex or
remember it. What I thought was my last staw was when I got beat
up so badly by him that I had to go to the emergency room. My
parents found my first treatment center in which I broke out of
after the first week. I began to get high again. I could go on
with more stories but I'm getting to upset thinking of them. I
finally got to another treatment center and stayed their for 5
months. I am now awake from the nightmare. I have been sober for
7 months. It's a hard drug to stop and it left me with horrible
memories that I can't cope with. I had to leave everything and
move states because I was so afraid I could relapse and end up
dead. I have panick attacks on a regular basis and I'm still
stuck in the nightmare. I'm still recovering and I think I
always will be. I don't want anyone to experience what I went
through but sadly I'm not the only one. It's basically life or
death with this drug. I hate to even say this but I still crave
the drug. I feel for all of you guys still dealing with meth.
Thanks for reading my story.
After reading the letters, I am more determined now than ever to
take this thing head on. I am fifty years old and the mother of
three. My oldest is a 911 dispatcher. My youngest is still in hi
school. My middle son, my sunshine, has recently become involved
with meth. He is 22 years old. At the age of 8 he was diagnosed
with ADD. We tried Ritalan. I was concerned that it would lead
to adult addiction to "uppers". I took him off and then I took
him to a well known researcher in the field of ADD. We
experimented with coffee. It worked when I could get him to
drink it.
Hi, I am 26yrs.old I am a meth addict. I started useing when I
was 13 and by the time I was 15 I was a addict. I used to be
happy,sad,mad, any feeling was my reason to use. At 17 I got
pragnent and continued to use. Nothing could or would take that
drug from me. I started commiting crimes and abandoned my
daughter to get high. Well Iam here to say that it all comes
back to bight you. I ended up in treatment, Pre-release, Prison,
Pre-release again. I guess my point is that if you really want a
life you will do whatever it takes to get it. I have been clean
from all drugs and alcohol for 3yrs. I have a place to live a
place for my child to live with me and a full time job. My life
is better then I thought it would ever be.My reason for doing
all this was for me.
I dont realy know how to start or wright this, i only know that
ia and my family are hurting SO VERY MUCH . To a drug that has
taken our son, he was only 24 years old one month before his
25th birthday he lay dead in his bed. He never woke up that
morning to watch his 4 year old son while the mother went to
work., she thought he was just sleeping to tired to get up
before she left early that morning.Brandon and his play mate
that hadstayed the night with him that nite had got up Brandon
trying to wake daddy for daddy to get breakfast that morning did
not know that daddy was already in a drug induced comma, he
thought daddy was just sleeping,so Brandon and his play mate
just fixed there own toast that morning , not knowing any trhing
was wrong with daddy.Brandon on several occations tryed to wake
daddy that day, tryed to get him to play his game boy with him
as daddy had done so much in the days before,Brandon just
thought that daddy would not wake up to sleepy Brandon told his
little friend. As the day went on the kids just played they
fixed there own luch bolonia sandwiches they fixed there
selves.then played in the house more with the game.At 4pm when
mom got home from work and she had asked Brandon where daddy was
she had started to get enraged that he was still in bed as
Brandon had told her , he had never got up yet. She went into
thier bedroom to find that he was not breathing, she then called
911, but it was to late he our son Danny was dead. now Brandon
has went on with his mother, doing ok for now. but how do we
cope?with a younger brother of Dannys mentaly challenged trying
to do the same thing as fare as drugs and over doses wanting to
be with his brother. I as a mother am trying to deal with the
one troubled son i have left and my own pain of both. iam now
trying to do all i can to save this one and wish i could of been
there to help the other,If only i had known how bad things were
for him, i should of known no matter how fare away i was.dont
know what other countrys are like as fare as drugs go, but ours
make a real KILLING off them,no matter how it is looked at.
I am the mother of a 26 year old. My son has been doing meth for
a little less than a year now, off and on. A couple months ago
he confessed to me and wanted help. But the meth had made him
cut his arm to the point that he almost bled to death. After the
hospital experience, which they oferred no help to him, just
stitched him up and sent him home, we talked extensively about
his problem. I was able to get him clean. He stayed clean for
about 2 months. Now over the last 2 weeks he has been using
again. The effects scared him, he thought he was dying. He
called his doctor and begged for help. (also, he is a diabetic
and has been since he was 9 yrs. old). His doctor told him to go
to our hospital, and he would have his paperwork ready for
admission. Today, he has just been tested for his diabetes
condition to make sure everything is alright first. Tomorrow
doctors, and psychiatrist are suppose to come in along with
counsellors to decide what the best treatment would be for him.
I am at a loss for words. This is my son, who is bright,
intelligent, a go getter, also a subsittute teacher. Determined
to get off this so he can continue with life and his career, i
can see desperation in his eyes and hear is in his voice. I do
not know what to say, or do at this point. I pride myself on the
fact that he got help on his own. But now, I do not know what
the future holds. What are the signs, and side effects of this
drug? What would be the best treatment plan for him. THIS IS NOT
MY SON!!!
O.K. my story is a lot different. I tried meth and hate it. But,
my husband was a different story. He loved every bit he could
get. He was up all of the time I had to leave him b/c he was so
abusive, he lost so much weight. Then he moved the meth cook in
with him. A cook wanted in all of our surrounding counties, he
was aleays 1 step ahead of the law. My husband decided to forget
his children and every time I saw him I begged him to stop. He
looked terrible and started getting gross scabs all over his
body. Finally I had enough I went to his house and told him he
had to make a choice, he acted like I was some person off of the
street. You see I would not be his enabler, I refused to support
him or let him see his child until he got clean. He did not care
if I was there or not. Nobody would try to intervene I was
desperately scared he would die. I did something that is very
dangerous but it worked. I called the drug unit. I told them all
of the people’s names and I made a deal to tip them the next
time they cooked. By this time my husband was wanting to get
back with me and had started calling all of the time while they
were cooking and everything. He was telling me when they were
cooking, where, how and who was going to be buying the pills and
ingredients. That night I tipped the drug squad and stayed on
the phone with them until the swat team arrived at his house. I
got a call at 3:00 am he was in jail for numerous charges. I
felt terrible, but you know what about 10 people that were
really addicted are not anymore. They have all put on weight and
are trying to put it together. NO one knows I did this but my
husband. Yes it was drastic but he is alive and yes he will have
a rap sheet. But here is the thing, if I had not done that the
cook I mentioned would still be open for business and all of
these people would be in trouble. One of the girls had gone from
a size 10 to a 1 and she had these holes in her skin that had
started oozing puss, she could not quit picking at them, her
boyfriend was the cook, today she is back to her weight and has
stopped her drug use. I may have caused some people their good
records but look I had to look out for me and mine. Fight fire
with fire!
I am 24 yrs. old and last year I found out my sister and mother
were using meth together. My sister lost 40 pounds in 2 months
and was very paranoid and distant. I had no idea my mother was
using with her. My sister was 17 and I also had a younger sister
9 living in the meth house. One day we went over and my mom was
acting so weird. She wouldn't let us in the house and we noticed
other people were living there. My sister 17 would never come
outside because she was so scared. Finally one day we new we had
to get them out of there. We told my sister 17 we needed to talk
to her about some other family problems and we got her to come
to my house. We did a small intervention and told her she was
not going back to that house. SHe was on it so bad she was
smoking half an 8 ball everyday or more. SHe looked like she was
dying. After weeks of her sleeping and having nightmares she was
sober. In the mean time we went back to the house and went
through her room and found 12 glass pipes and bags of meth she
hid and couldn't remember where. It was so clean in her room
there were papers with dribble and the carpet was ruined by her
scraping it because she thought she dropped meth on it. We got
our younger sister out and had to put a restraining order on our
mom to stay away from my 17 yr old sister. My sister has been
clean ever since. We are so proud of her. She got through it
because of the way she saw my mom and how it affected her to
know my mom was living. My sister 9 is going to be 11 in june
and hasn't seen or talked to my mom since the night we took her
away. Meth destroyed my family and life in so many ways and I am
not even a user. My little sister 9 is going through so much and
is suicidle because of my mother. Meth doesn't just affect users
it affects users loved ones more. My mom almost killed herself
because she was so paranoid of getting raided she always thought
someone was after her. She is still using meth as an upper and
pain killers and muscle realaxers as downers so she can sleep
and still tweek. She will probly die soon and there is nothing
we can do to stop her. She won't listen to us and Dr.'s say if
she tries to come down from meth and the pills her body will go
into shock and she could die. i hate drugs.
I live in Austin, TX. and I've been part of the Red River scene
for 6 years now. For those who don't know Red River is a strip
of live music clubs. The people who work, play and hang out in
these clubs are all part of the music scene. We play in bands or
produce video or write but we all have known each other for
years now. about a two years ago meth popped up in this scene.
When it first surfaced no one knew what it really was now two
years later every one I know is a addict now including myself
and my wife. It has become a epidemic here. I know about 60-70
people here that are hooked on meth now and it is also creeping
into my day job. I have found out not only coworkers but even
some of the upper management of my company are now users. We all
know how bad it is and all wish we didn't do it but we can't
stop. Many of us have tried but failed over and over again. This
drug is very scary thing. I'm at a point where I don't know what
to do. I feel the government has no real idea what is happening.
It seems at the rate this drug is spreading were all in trouble
if we don't do something about soon. The government can't stop
it we as a community need to start running the cooks and the
dealers out by any means.
Dear God, There is so many things that I have kept bottled up
inside myself, I am not sure how to let it all out. I have
always been afraid of letting anyone know my true self. I find
myself running from my fears and a past that fallows behind me.
I have never been good at dealing with my feelings or even
understanding them so I would put them on a shelf. Shutting the
people who loved me out of my life, afraid that they would see
the life I had built for myself. There is a pain that seems to
be trapped deep down inside of me that keeps growing and I know
that one day it might just kill me. Beaten, broken down and
still bleeding from my life's leasons that I can no longer cry
or able to scream out loud. Each and everyday is a battle for me
just trying to let go of the shame I have for myself. I try to
find that life that was a once up on a time for me, but it seems
to be only in my dreams. Struggling to stand tall and to believe
in myself, I am longing for a since of peace and a place in life
were I can be me again. Dear God please help me find that person
that is lost somewhere inside of me. I don't want to be this me.
Keep me strong. Help me free myself from this weakness that is
destroying me and everyone around me. Amen
I lost my only sibling to meth. He is still alive, but the
brother I loved is gone. He started using in high school, pot,
coke and alcohol. He made it through college until his last year
then dropped out. He had a son who he hasn't seen in over a
year. He has never been able to hold down a job. He has been in
and out of jail countless times. He was arrested for trying to
make meth and was facing 20years. He got off and went back to
his old ways. He hates our entire family for reasons we don't
know. He was once a funny, athletic and very bright person. He
had so much potential. I have watched my parents beat themselves
up over what they did wrong. My advice to those wanting to try
it; you have nothing to gain. If you try it, you may have a bad
experience that could harm you. If your experience is good then
you have a bigger problem. To parents; find out everything you
can about the drug and get help asap! Once your child is 18 you
no longer have the power to force any kind of treatment on them.
It isn't a phase they will just "grow out of". My brother is 36
and has been an addict for 20 years.
HI. I am 18 years old and my boyfriend is addicted to meth we
have been together for 6 months. After 4 months of being
together we decided that we needed to move back in with our
parents for financial reasons. He started hanging out with
people he didn't know. He was gone for one week straight and I
was scared because he had never done that to me before. And then
one day he decides to call and tell me that he was hanging out
with these people that were really cool and he was having so
much fun. I didn't want to be mad at him because I was just so
happy he was ok. He had told me that he was doing Meth and that
he was starting to sell it. He told me it would make a good
investment, becuase if he sold enough he would be able to buy me
a ring. I told him I didn't want him to do anything like that, I
didn't want him to sell or use. So he said ok baby i'll quit for
you. He had agreed he wouldn't hang out with those people
anymore. But obviously he started hanging out with those people
and started doing Meth again. One night we were hanging out and
he asked me if I had any money on me so he could go and get a
pack of cigerettes and I said yea sure. So he comes back the
rest of the night we were doing fine until he picked me up from
work. We had made plans to do something that day because it was
a Friday and I didn't have to work on Saturday. He was acting
really weird, telling me that he wanted to go hang out with his
friends. And im like well we made plans to do something and got
mad at him because something just seemed wrong to me. We got
into a huge fight and then he finally told me again that he was
doing meth but this time he wasn't selling it. He was on a
really bad trip and that was what was wrong with him. For me
luckily I was at my aunts house because she had called the
police. I tried to take his keys so he couldn't go anywhere and
he bit my arm through the skin, he left a huge bruz and bite
mark. He also tried to twist and break my arm same as with my
fingers. He was in jail for four days. He got possession of meth
and domestic Abuse. He had called the second day he was in Jail
and I told him I wanted nothing to do with him. He had gotten a
hold of me after he got out of Jail and told me had wanted to go
to treatment. It had lasted for about a week and a half until he
went back to it, He said it was like candy to him and I am
seriously about to give up on him.all he does is lie to me about
everything especially where he goes and who he is with. But that
is my Story!!!
I am 17 years old. I have been clean for 4 mths and I started
using when I was 15 with meth.And I was in rehab for 110 days
and I have since been trying to cope with things you know it
hurts when you see so many people you know die from drugs on my
17th birthday my best friend died cause she overdoesed on
morphine and oxycotin and she was on 17 and also another one of
my guy friends died that same day in a wreck because he was
coming down of of crank and he fell alsleep. And I also had a
boyfriend who died cause he was high and going 100 mph in a car
and he wrecked.
I am 27 my husband is 27 we have been together for 11 years
married for 9. We have two sons 8 and 5 we were deeply in love
did all kinds of stuff together I loved him and he has always
swore he loved me and we had an agreement that if we ever had
the feeling the there was a problem in our marriage and even
thought there was a chance of cheating we would end our marriage
so to never bring in any diseases on the other because we loved
one another. This was a respect agreement made by both of us.
Well, just after Thanksgiving this past year we had an argument
because he smoked pot with his dad and I didn't agree because in
my head he was to good a person to lower his self like that. He
was a good husband a good father, we owned everything we have.
Any way after we got into it he went off and got some cocaine
then some crysal meth and ended up with the town dope head and
slut and had an affair. He said he was just doing the meth and
she pulled up to talk to him and they went in a house so he
could cut it and she followed him in the bathroom and pushed it
and he had sex with her he says he used a condom but he also
said that he didn't even know where he was or what was going on
but he remembers coming down and taking off the condom and
relizing what he had done and knew then that he had f****d up
his marriage. I didn't find out till 4 days after Christmas when
he told he didn't love me any more and didn't want to be married
anymore, and i got the cell phone bill that showed about 30
calls between them a couple of weeks later he came to me and
said he had said that because he was so ashamed of what he had
done and thought it would have been easier on me if he said that
to me than to have told me the truth but it was to late because
she had alredy had told people and they told me he didn't want
me to be ashamed of him .The thing is she told people that it
went on for 2 months he said it was a one time thing and that
the calls were him telling her to leave him alone that because
of her he had ruint his marriage. I don't know if i believe him
. You have to understand i'm 5' 2' ,115lbs, curvy, long curly
red hair, men hit on me daily I have about 5 to 10 coments daily
about my butt and have the body of a17 year old and am often
thought to be a teenager I keep myself up. She and" this what I
thought before the affair I knew her by the way" is about 5' 5"
short dirty brown hair , about 200 lbs.,has a skin desease
always looks dirty rarely looks bathed or groomed she what many
have discibed as a skank and was pregnaunt and hid it the whole
time till she went into labor " he f***** her while she was
pregnaunt and didn't know it" she is very unattractive people
that know what happened all think he was stupid not only because
he was married but because i'm a better person and look a lot
better don't get me wrong i'm not vain but with all of this I
have been compairing myself to her something I never did before.
She has messed with several other men that were married or in
real relationships, the only way she seems to be able to get a
man is if they are on drugs and her family has money and she'll
buy the drugs if they mess with her she doesn't even know who
the father of her youngest is. Several of these happened about
the same time as my husbands and some of the wives know and are
getting divorced . I am so confused right now because I don't
understand how he could do this . I would like to know answers
to the drugs and her, I am not a drug user and don't understand
if meth could cause all of this or if he is lying to me. If you
can help please leave a message that i can read thank you.
(In reference to another of March 2005's stories)
I've been doing dope (that's what we call meth around my part of
the world) for a little over eight years now. I'm 25 years old,
soon to be 26, and have been doing several drugs and drinking
since I was about fourteen. I didn't start doing speed until I
was seventeen, though, and I started with ritalin and within a
month I was hooked on cocaine, then really hooked on crack,
shortly thereafter I was introduced to "annie", which is
anhydrous crank. I still prefered crack, though, because of the
high, I couldn't quite get that head-ringer from snorting crank.
Then I moved to a bigger town about thirty five miles from my
hometown, because my best friend (who I'd met when I was twelve
and first moved here, and she was not a speed user) wanted to
help me get off the hard drugs. I was in bad shape when I first
went, I went through the dt's and all that, and I really missed
everyone who I had partied with all those years, but I went to
try and kick the habits. Within a month I had already made alot
of connections and had started running with people who did it
everyday. That is when my problem really became a problem, in
the new town they had different kinds of dope. I started off
with red phosphorous, and p2p, red-rock, the cally-dope, and
eventually glass (crystal). Not only had I fallen in love with
all these forms of it, I had also learned how to smoke it, which
was my ultimate downfall. I did, however, manage to keep a job
to support my very expensive habit, I was buying at least a
quarter ounce a week to keep my habit up. It would cost anywhere
from 400-600 dollars a week to keep me going. Then, right in the
middle of me living it up, my best friend who was also my
roommate, died in a terrible car accident and me and another guy
I got cranked with , found her. Yeah, we were the first on the
scene, she had run off the road near a bridge that went over a
14 foot deep creek, her car had flipped, she had been ejected
and the car landed on her. It was the most traumatic experience
of my life at the time, it was worse than terrible. I kept
thinking why did she have to die so young, we were only 21, and
I couldn't understand why someone who was a good person and
wasn't a wacked out junkie, had to die. It should have been me,
in my eyes, so therefore I took that mentality, as well as
severe depression to an extreme. At the time, it seemed like the
only thing that made me feel numbed from the pain and mental
torment was when I smoked dope. So I did it every single day for
at least 2 years. During that time me and a couple of my friends
got held at gunpoint by a crackhead who was trying to rob us, I
was so gone that I called him all kinds of names, not even
caring that he was holding a loaded 380 at my head-right between
the eyes--I even told him to go ahead and kill me, I wanted to
die. Apparantly I freaked him out, especially after I grabbed a
weapon and commenced to beating him, all the while he had the
gun. We had to testify against him in court and I went there
messed up, and I felt like a rat, even though he had done it,
and we had been subpeoned, I still feel bad for him. Another
year went by, and by this point I had gone from being an avid
user to a user and a dealer. I realized that it was much more
enjoyable to sell a few ounces or so a week to support my habit,
so I didn't have to spend my money on it. But then I started
getting out of all my shifts at work, and when I did go in I'd
be hateful because I was so tired from my second job. I was
having to run 24/7 to keep up with all the people I'd hook up.
They wore me out worse than a two-week binge. I was doing so
much that I had to drink every day to take the edge off, or if I
could get them, I'd eat a bunch of zanex and tabs. Needless to
say, I was fired from my job, because of it all, I 'd go in and
not even be able to talk, much less wait tables, so I'd sit in
the bathroom smoking dope and would go out back to sell it to
various employees. I saw nothing wrong with me, and was honest
to God, shocked when they fired me. I couldn't believe it. My
second job became my only source of income and my habit had
gotten up into the thousands. So, I lost my apartment, my car
and my sanity all in one swift kick. Still, I didn't clean up, I
got worse. I went back home at one point, freaked my parents out
completely, because my kidneys were about to shut down, and I
had no voice, I had lost alot of weight, and proceeded to
explain to them that I thought some people were going to try to
kill me, because I had found out too much about the big-dogs in
the dope game. I had found out alot of really wacked out crap,
stuff I'll never speak of. I was sick, bad, and spun out of my
mind, and really, truly scared for my life. I kept thinking it
was too late for me to ever get right again. So I cleaned up for
a while and decided (6 years after high school) to go to
college, living on campus and all. I did it, for one and a half
semesters before I got so fiend out to get high that I about
snapped. So I went and bought an eight ball, and did it all in
less than two days. That's all she wrote, I quit going to
classes and flunked out my second semester. I had quit staying
in the dorms too, I'd moved in with my friend, who had hooked up
with a killer connection and we became dope queens. We were
moving all kinds of dope, up to five or more pounds a week. We
were moving it mainly by the ounce and charging anywhere from
1200-1700 a piece, it was all good, or so we thought. I decided
to take the weekend off and go see my family, on Sunday
afternoon I called her and told her to come get me, and she was
on her way when she got busted. Now she is a convicted felon,
has been in jail for over a year and has been sent to a
treatment program somewhere. Not too long after that another one
of my best friends got popped and he's now in the pen in another
state. Over the entire experience I have watched at least
thirteen good friends end up behind bars. Almost all of them,
serving time in a state penitentiary. I still got messed up,
though. It would scare me for a few days, and then, it would be
the one thing that could calm my nerves. It's weird how it can
do that. I kept going strong for another 8 months or so after
the last one got locked up, and then my parents urged me to move
out of state, 800miles away, hoping that I would eventually
clean up. After a lot of thought I said okay, and went. It
sucked so bad for the first few weeks, the last time I had done
dope was about two hours before I left for my new home, so I was
high for the whole trip and the first night there. Then I
started coming down real hard, it hurt, literally. I kept
calling my friends and my parents and begging someone to come
get me or send me money for a ticket home, and nobody would. I
got mad, sad and eventually, after a month or so, I got glad. I
was clean for the first time in my life--of everything--no dope,
weed, pills, alcohol, nothing but cigarettes. I had a good job
and was pretty proud for a change and so was my family. Then ,
about three months ago, my aunt came in the place I was working,
and she was upset, It didn't register at first, and then I
understood what she was telling me--my father had a massive
heart attack less than an hour before and he had died. I was
back home by the next evening, and it was awful. I had missed
the last few months of my fathers life all because I couldn't
quit doing dope and remain in the same state. I missed Christmas
with my family for the first time in my life, and it just
happened to be my dad's last one. All because I couldn't keep it
together in my hometown, because I was selfish. Well, I ended up
staying here at home, and it took about three weeks before I
started doping again. I am once again trying to regain some
control in my life, I do have a job, so thats a plus. I plan to
be back in school by next fall, and I also plan to be clean,
hopefully that will happen, if not, then I really don't know
what will. I guess I'll die or end up locked up like everybody
else, and it's real sad that I can honestly say that and still
not be sure if I can clean up. That is addiction.
This is my story for the meth true stories.
I am a 48 year old mother of two, I feel like crap right now. I
first was introduced to meth two years ago by a guy that I was
seeing (thanks alot) at first I thought it was the greatest
feeling that I had ever experienced. Then I wanted to feel that
feeling all of the time, I tarted using once a month because I
didn't know where to buy it myself so my friend and I would go
to see his friends that were heavy meth users. I would end up in
a hotel room having sex with my friend and his friends, now this
is not like me at all I have always had respect for myself and
have NEVER engaged in this sort of activity. I found out that my
neighbors son was dealing and my habit quickly went from once a
month to twice a week to four times a week. I have lost many
jobs and have been arrested. Can you believe that this drug has
such a hold on me that as I sit here now all I can think of is
calling my connection ? I'm in a court ordered drug treatment
program and I tested positive for meth yesterday!! GOD please
help me. They say that meth is not physically addictive, well if
it's not what I feel now is just the same. I used to look 10
years younger than my age, I used to be very active..you know
it's funny because I liked meth at first because it gave me
energy to go out and have fun but that quickly changed. I would
smoke it and just be stuck inside or when I went someplace I had
to take it with me. I smoked at Disneyland in the
bathrooms,Knottsberry Farm, Movie thearers and fast food places.
Please if you are thinking about using take it from this
miserable mother don't. I am now going to a 12step meeting and I
hope to find strength and support. I wish everyone the best.
My first bout with methamphetamine began about two and a half
maybe three years ago, I had left home afew years prior to this
to start a new life in British Columbia, desperate to change the
terrible atmosphere i was living in with an abusive controling
stepfather. For as long as I can remember though i have never
felt good enough or even pretty enough, most definately not
skinny enough!All this stewing within my soul i isolated myself
from everything picked up and moved, along the way i found a
roomate and best friend, she and another mutual friend
introduced me to meth for the first time. I was soooo naive
being from a small town on the east coast that i did not even
know that meth and speed were the same thing, so when they
occasionally offered me some speed I indulged becuz up until
that point i had been recreationally using drugs since high
school; This time i had no idea what i was about to encounter in
my quest for self discovery.After a few weekend binges with my
roomate she divulged to me the terrible truth about meth and all
the things it can potentially do and what it had done to her in
the past! For the rest of my time living with her we made a pact
not to go there ever again! I didn't(for a while) Me and the
roomate had a huge falling out (unrelated) But i moved out on my
own and continued to avoid the substance managed to buy a car
return home for a month long vacation, and return to the job i
had successfully held at that point for almost three years. It
would be the last time to this day that i have maintained
normalcy or even a steady job. Upon returning from my vacation,
1 month it had struck this little town in BC south of whistler
all my friends were using and it was summer time it became a
really insane wild summer i fell in love with this drug and met
my soul mate, we had an intense connection and we began using
together which made the whole experience even more intense. What
goes up must come down though! After my boyfriend and i moved in
together we began using nearly every day sometimes on the 3 day
cycle 3 days up 3 days down and all over again, for a while it
was sooooo fuckin fun, but in time it broke us down. I could
take no more and even high i was becomming incredibly depressed
part of me then knew my boyfriend loved the drug more than me
and together we could not quit. I did something i thought i'd
never do i placed a call to my mom (the plqace that seemed worse
than anywhere else) and broke down i didn't tell her about the
drug, but i told her i needed to leave i begged and pleaded for
her to come for me and she did. For nine months me and the
boyfriend remained in contact i had quit he didn't. At some
point he had convinced me that he had and that we should give
things another try, by this point i was desperate to leave the
intnse abuse i was once again living witrh , due to the
stepbeast. So i broke my mothers heart my boyfriend came for me
he did appear clean had put on weight was the loving person i
first fell for , it seemed all good. Me and him embarked on a
one week road trip back to b.c reamined clean even for the first
couple of weeks we were home. But old habits die hard!The few
times we used together were not like previous experience it pu
us right were we left off a mess. He decide and i agreed we were
done with it, He was this time, not me i fell hard extremely
hard, harder than the first.He introduced me to the people he
was around while i had been away, his new/old posse of tweekers.
It was pretty much done then. The dope opera ensued, the higher
i got the more bitter i became towards him, i broke up with him
to hide my use and who it was with. Now i had left myself
homeless broke and broken hearted on every level alone, I fell
for an older man whos's entire life and relatiuonships parralled
mine so much so it was scary i believe we loved each other but
he too was a huge user like i was becomming. His money made it
available day in and day out there was always something going on
to keep your mind off reality. Together me and him wallowed in
these behaviors together. He was married with two step childeren
and two babies on the way by different women! I knew it wasn't
gonna get ugly he refused to see that and kept me high and
smitten with him, and me happy to be high and loved again
followed everything about him without seeing what the pair of us
were doing to his family or ourselves. This fucking hellish drug
turned me in to a liar, a thief, a conspiracy theorist, and to
this day my worsat guilt of all a cheater, ihad never had an
affair with anyone or on anyone ever that is what broke up my
own family, but this too i did. Shortly before christmas that
just past(2004) my habit was so large my five foot tall frame
which always stood a healthy 125-130lbs was down to 95 (people
in our fucked up society actually told me i looked good) One
evening while driving around with the subject of my affair i was
in terrible pain i could not hide it the lies i was telling his
wife were taking thier toll and my guts hurt literally and the
pain in my heart and abdomen were horrific. He brought me to the
hospital i was cathederized and put on ivs my kidneys were
fainling. But even then it was just a trip in my head he left
the hospital and brought me to his shop were he had me living ,
put me to bed and nursed me till morning (he is a kind heart,
and loved me like no other) I left but usaed again and had a
relapse, this time the hospital notified my exboyfriend(the one
who got clean) He came right away the dear soul everything was
forgatton for a few days he played perfect boyfriend he wanted
to fix both me physically and our relationship, i had it all
again for a few moments, but no i wanted that drug i wanted my
new boyfriend that i felt loved me more so i blew it i kicked
him out and ran for the shop (it would be the final chapter
between me and him, if he ever reads this i am sorry the drug
had truly taking me over at that point) I met up with the new
guy and the drugs a gain and continued using it was christmas
eve morning and i had wild apssionate sex with my new boyfriend
and we used more shit. So disfunctional at this point i seen
nothing wrong with getting high lying and fucking and driving a
friend to court on possesion charges christmas eve morning. They
and the drug became my family at that shop. Christmas came and
went and new years arrived my new boyfriend spent with me and
drugs not his family and his wife busted us, he did his best to
protect me and went home for a few days, but when he returned
something had changed in me i could just feel it i wasn't
getting high no matter how much i did it seemed and i kept
falling asleep by four in the morning i couldn't make it our
usual two or three days! And like last time when it took the
final snap for me to call my mom and just leave it all behind it
was welling in me bigger than before she left my stepdad i had a
family again. At this point i was now (never been arested or
introuble in my life) In on stealing cars, stealing dynamite to
sell to the hells angels, and fraudulently producing credit
cards and using them. Well the inevitable happened i got busted
for using a forged credit card of all places Mcdonalds, please
note that i was poor and homeless living in this shop and still
trying to eat when i was hungry. After driving these guys around
to first beat up one guy and shoot him in the face i took them
for a ride up the valley, despite the dull high i was riding i
could feel something real bad to happen after what i witnessed
and new after that night how out of control of this shit i
really was it hit me. Unable to sya no i still drove them and on
the way back after preaching to these people who were more
fucked than me, how somewhere in us there was good the lies the
ratting and the craziness had to stop, they listened and agreed
not seconds after i finished saying that we were pulled over, me
and my 1 poassengr spent the night in jail, nothing for him but
huge for me it was my first time. I talked my way out without
ratting my friend was charged and we were released the next
night. I had to leave i knew it then, I had ruined everything
with the help of circumstance and plenty of support from meth.
One more earth shattering thing had to come though cuz after a
few days of sleep and begginning to party agin yes again, i tool
a pregnancy test i was pregnant with an affair baby! Thank god
though this baby saved my life the married father claims it
ruined his life, no hes doing that fine with meth but when i
couldn't find it in me to say goodbye fore good, I jsut know god
gave me a reason more than once nut this now undeniable becuz it
was such a shock it was actually something good. The antibiotics
from the kidney craziness cancelled my birth control, as
underweight malnourished and sick as i was god still sent me a
baby! I quit the minute i saw the positive result. I broke down
and called my mom again and this time told her everything. It
was so cathartic that to this day i still have no craving for it
and the lifestyle very different from that first time. I left
the end of January and here we are april, i have not touched it
or yearned for it not even once, i concieved on December 24 and
becuz my drug used ended during the 1st month of pregnancy my
risk factor is pretty lowe and so far so good me and the baby
are healthy and i am due september 16 the father has no interest
have not heard from many of the so called friends and the my
true love has disspaeared from my life im sure for the rest of
this lifetime i don't think he could ever get passed the hurt i
caused and whos baby i concieved however i think all these
chapters needed to end and a new totally different one to start
or i too would be finding meth through someone or someway else.
Anyone out there caught up in this bullshit cycle, you can do it
you can find you again and let go of the damage life dictates
that there is redemption for all mistakes just break teh cycle
for the innocent peole or children around that have no choice,
find your initiative in them and your strength will come from
yourself somehow, do not commit these mistakes in vain learn
from them and move onward, without meth there is night and day,
good and bad, sleep and wake and most of all a new day. No more
continuous nows, you need to break free.
My name is Charlotte I recently lost the love of my life because
of drug's,My son lost a wonderful father.He was 34 yrs. old.
Blonde hair ,green eye's 5'7 & at one time weighed 215
pound's.My son is 10 yrs old. I left " Him" 1 yr. ago because he
would not stop using. This is not something he done before hand.
He took a jod at Guide (general motors) working 11:00 p.m. to
7:00 am . I believe this is when the meth use started.He lost a
lot of weight,no interest in family or his friend's.He made "
friend's" He got laid off of work 3 time's in 1 year due to his
attuide at work.I went to his family & asked them to get him
help when I moved out.I didn't move out because I wanted to or
because I didn't LOVE him.We had childern in the home.He came
home one night pulled carpet up dug hole's in fireplace thinking
we had wired the house for Metro.He said if I ever did it he
would kill me.The kid's wittnessed this."He" was not a mean
person before this."He" gave us anything & everything he could
Before.This drug had changed him so much. The day we moved out I
actully thought I could die from a Broken Heart.My son also.On
April 01,2005 he walked out in front of a train.This is not the
guy I feel in Love with.I am angry and I feel guilty because he
said once that I had given up on him when he needed me most.Why
isn't the law more strict on this.A first offence DWI fine is
more than a Meth Charge? Most people get out of period just by
telling on some else.This make's no since to me .I wish I could
have been there just for 1 min.I need help because I let him
down!
I began researching the true affects of meth after my ex-hsband
called once again from jail. I landed on this site and began
reading the stories. My heart hurts for all those who are
suffering from this addiction as well as those who are impacted
by the addict.
Let me be the first to say that I am not perfect. I do not use
drugs now but I have in the past. In fact I was placed at a
long-term treatment center in OK for almost 1 year for my
addiction to pot and alcohol. Sober for 7 years now. I have
tried Meth 1 time… I know recovering Meth users find that hard
to believe but it is true. I didn't like it and when I found out
what it was I freaked out.
Hi.....anyways.........I am 37 years old and the mother of 15
year old twins and a 4 year old daughter. My story is
long......but i will spare you the details and make this short.
I have been using meth for 13 years. I no longer know what life
was like without it. I've lost alot......Jobs..
apartments....cars....my twins live with their dad (thank God
they know nothing of my addiction) My 4 year old, I placed for
adoption. My addiction started 13 years ago....starting with
crack......I grew to hate the paranoia it created in me so i
quit and subsituted it with meth. Lines first.....but the burn
was too much.....smoking it was the way for me. I loved the
feeling and I still do....I have to say....i am not "out there".
I still have a grip on reality. I know people who are "out
there" and lost all hope of reality!! I live in a home that is
always having people come over....Not so much now.....but there
used to be. otherwise known as "traffic". My home is a known
dope house and the cops would sometimes come here looking for
other people. Nothing ever happened....they werent here and
noone had anything here. Well,i wanted to be all big and all and
i started selling it. I was more addicted to the money making
the the dope itself......I literally thrived on it. Well,someone
took upon themselves to rat on me. Well the search warrent was
for my boyfrien not me. Everyone knew who was selling here.....i
found it kind of odd it was in his name. Anyways.....they found
everything.....quarter ounce of dope.....paraphanelia.....$2000.00....in
my room....I was arrested for the first time ever....i only
stayed one day....and get off pretty easy.....but it has ruined
my life. I live in fear of getting caught again....And it sucks.
Noone seems to understand that....they dont care cause it aint
them....It makes me mad!!! anyways.....just a small part of my
f**ked up miserable life........
Meth is currently destroying my life as I knew it. My husband
and I were married not even a year ago and are having our first
baby in a month. A few months ago I realized things were
changing in my husband. He would go out in the evenings and make
all kinds of excuses. Because we only have one car, I would find
myself home alone evening after evening watching reruns. We
started arguing a lot, and I felt like something was going on. I
doubted myself though, because I thought, "Well, I'm just over
emotional because I'm pregnant." He didn't want to sleep with me
as much, which was unusual as newlyweds. He would get angry and
say hurtful things. Then I found out that he had been lying to
me, and had cheated on me and done drugs (his favorite being
crystal meth) and stolen and lied... Since then I have been
living at my parents. He has continued to lie, steal, use up his
paychecks on drugs and strip clubs and God knows what else. I am
heartbroken because this is not the man I fell in love with. The
man I fell in love with loved Christ and wanted to be a
wonderful husband and father. And I know he could be if he would
get off this horrible stuff like meth. I hate what it is doing
to our lives. We should be doing things together like picking
names, and picking baby themes and looking forward to this new
little life. I don't know if our baby will ever get to know his
father. I am not going to put myself in an environment where all
of us will get sucked down into this evil disease. If I can keep
myself and the baby safe and sane, maybe if he gets clean we can
be a family. Until then, I refuse to enable him to ruin his life
and our lives more than what has already happened. I will not
pay his unpaid bills and I will not give him the opportunity to
verbally or, God forbid, physically abuse myself or our baby.
For his sake... I don't want to give him the opportunity to do
something he would regret for the rest of his life. I hope I can
learn to trust him again. I don't know, but I know God has a
loving plan. I have to cling to that or there is no hope. May
God truly bless and strengthen all those who are being affected
by this nightmarish disease. Cry out to Him, for He hears you.
God bless you.
Hi, I am 35 years old and a mother of 8yr and 10yr old children.
I began dating this wonderful man about seven months ago. He had
anoying habits like waking me up in the middle of the night and
wanting to talk for hours non stop. He is very parnoid and
jelous with no reason. He drives with a sense of anger and seems
like he is looking for trouble. I had no idea what these were
tale-tale signs of until I just read these previous letters.
Wow, I am floored because I started using meth a weak ago! I
have done it four times. I love the effects. See I already
suffer from extreme depression, anxiety, and psychosis so I
sleep a lot due to illness and medication. So when he told me
all the good things about meth I couldn't think of anything
better than a good diet pill that will give me plenty of energy!
I was excitted now I am shaking and scarred! What do I do get of
the computer and go back to bed and sleep my life away or get
offthe computer and take a hit and actually clean my house? You
tell me, what do I do! My life has been a waste and miserable
and now do I have the answer to my miserable drowsy life!? I am
scared, I know what I should do. But what I want to do is
something different. Maybe I can use it to loose some weight and
then stop, I know the odds are against me but I have gained so
much weight because I don't have the energy to do anything! Oh
my gosh, what do I do! Well my house needs cleaning to day so
maybe today I will do it, I'll see how I feel tomorrow. I sound
naive don't I. I have got to try to better my existence, maybe
this is the way. I am glad I got this of my chest. Listen for
those of you out there that are born again will you eanestly
pray for me. Pray in any manner you wish but please I beg you to
pray for me. Thank you.
My son is a tweeker and I want him to get him clean. I have
threatened to kick him out of my house and put him on the
streets. He is 26 years and was previously married and has a set
of 4 year old twins. The break up with his wife made him turn to
drugs. I think he feels it eases the pain of his loss. He goes
and smokes meth for days at a time. He can not hold a job and he
use to be real responsible. Last week he was home coming down
for 5 days, sleeping all the time and eating everything in
sight, especially anything with sugar and then he took off one
morning and said he was going to look for a job. Well 5 days
later he came back home and all tweeked out. I don't know where
he stays when he is gone like that, but I was told that he just
wanders from one meth house to another for several days and he
lies like you wouldn't believe. He use to never lie but now his
whole life is a lie. He also gets very abusive verbally with me
and who ever else tries to help him. All his friends that he use
to have won't have anything to do with him. All his friends he
calls friends are a bunch of meth heads. When ever anyone of
them call my house I tell to get lost. Sometimes they call at
all hours of the night. The really sad thing is now he is not
able to see his kids because of his addiction I just wish that
he would see how much his life has gone down in the last year
and a half. I do believe that there is always hope. I just hope
he doesn't end up dead. One of his best friend from high school
died because of meth so you would think that he would think
about that. Well this is my story and someday I hope I can write
you with a better one of recovery. Meth my drug
of choice,
hi, my name is christi and i live in montanan.I have been sober
for a littleover a year. before that i was sober for years.it
all began when i was14.that is the year i left home and dropped
out of school.meat my first sonsdad and proceded to use meth for
the next7 years.during that time i ended upwith another man who
beat me and got me pregnant. i had a pregnancy full ofproblems
cause i used until i was 5 months along. then i ended up losing
mybabies to dfs.a couple months later my boyfriend died from a
drugoverdose.that is when i finnally woke up. went to treatment
and moved away.i meet my husband up there and we ended up having
two more kids. ieventually got my other childre back.we ended up
moving back to the place iused at. did good for two years and
then slipped hiding it from my husbandwho does not do that
stuff. i finally broke down and told him after twomonthsand
about 5 grnd later. he ended up moving me away and getting
helpfor me.today we have moved back to the place i used at
before cause of abetter job. today though i have my two oldest
boys who have both hadtremedous problems. one lives with my
parents. the other own just came homefrom a residently behavoral
center. he is only 9 years old. everyday i thinkabout all the
pain i caused them and keep telling myself all i can do ishelp
them deal with it.i worry someday they will try it and that
scares thehell out of me.for everybody who is still useing you
can quit. it will bevery hard but the damage you are doing to
your kids is irreversable. My name is
nothing to you
Right now its April and ive been using meth since December of
2004 so thats about 5 months of using it. At first i always
opposed drugs, when i came to be a freshman in highschool i met
this guy he would always smoke weed and got me into it to. I
always stuck to just smoking weed. People would always say weed
can lead to harder drugs i never really believed it though. I
never thought i was ever going to tweak it ever. I always was
never into that sort of stuff. OK well this one time i was
really faded with a homie and he offered me a line of crystal i
didnt really know much about it. I didnt want to do it but i
didnt want to look like a wimp so i just did it. The feeling
felt pretty good i thought even though my nose was burning like
hell. The homies i would usually kick it with the usuall
potheads i told them i tried it and it felt bomb. I guess it got
them curious because after that they tried it too, then one
night we all found out that it is smokable so we wanted to do
it. My homies sister which we would always blaze it with ,
turned out to be a hardcore tweaker too. She kept it on the low
because of her reasons. Well we got a 20 sack that night and
smoked it to the dome. The feeling is the best its so good you
just want it forever. Times eventually passes by we become
tweakers going from " only a weekend thing " to every other day
and then to everyday. Out of all the three main friends i hung
around with i would be on it the most. I lost alot of wieght
which is noticable, i have way too many problems with my family
now beacuse i would always stay out late or never come home or
sneak out the house at night because id go crazy staying up all
night bymyself. Tweaking is my routine schedule i try to stop
but it seems impossible. 90% of the time i would never have
tweak i had no money. I became a fiend going to my friends house
asking him for tweak but then it became inivetable i would just
go kick it and someone would be smoking it or snorting it and
they would always ask me want some? Haha how can you not resist
OF COURSE HELL YEAH I WANT SOME! Id even take it after im all
feeling like shit and it wouldnt even hit me. Truthfully smoking
shit doesnt even get me all lit up anymore, it makes me stay up
long as hell though. Since i always smoke it now i mostly do
lines because they make me feel up quicker. Last week i stayed
up for 3 straight days with 2 small meals in those three days.
The fourth night i got sleep i woke up around 4pm because my
sister woke me up. The next day i was on shit again and stayed
up another night. Right now I cant catch up too my sleep and its
killing me i hate it makes me feel so shitty. Im 17 years old
not going to graduate high school. I miss so much school beacuse
of the drugs and friends. Well something i forgot to mention
that i have severe depression also. I realized i had it when i
was a sophmore my teacher had a meeting with my father and I. My
teacher said " i had something wrong with me " that i always
isolate myself and shit like that. I didnt really know what he
was talking about i was just like fuck that because he told my
dad to seek help. 2 years later i realized what he was talking
about depression and i know for a fact that i have it. Why do i
have it i dont fucken know what happened how did i get it ? Is
there anywhere where i can seek help without my parents or
anybody knowing but me? I hope so. Well about meth i admit it i
still do it. Im slanging it too , i even use the tweak i need to
sell because its so hard to resist. I dont know when im really
going to stop but i hope it soon. I seriously need help i want
it to but i dont want my family to know because it will destroy
my family and soo many things i cant even imagine. God please
help me i beg you. If my "Glamorous"lifestyle
seems appealing to you written by The Last
Rebel, my brother , my friend W.K.W. Email letters to kcimeth@yahoo.com All submissions become the property of the KCI The Anti-Meth Site. The KCI The Anti-Meth Site reserves the right to reject any submission. The reader should be aware that the KCI The Anti-Meth Site is not responsible for the content of any submission. Editing changes for clarity, spelling and readability is for the benefit of the readers. Some stories may be graphic. HOME | ABOUT US | METHAMPHETAMINE LINKS | PRIVACY POLICY | CONTACT US ADVERTISE ON THIS SITE Copyright 1999-2019 by KCI The Anti-Meth Site
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