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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents

   I am an 18 years old. I have been off meth for about a year. I have tried pretty much every drug out there. I was smoking pot by the age of 11. I was doing coke by 12. I have even tried crack,crank,acid,pills,rolls pretty much anything you could imagine. I have never heard of meth in till we moved to GA. My ex boyfriend ending up getting my strung out and then left me in the middle of no where. I dropped out of school before i was 16. I have lost all my back teeth due to this evil drug. I would stay up for weeks thinking i was the shit. Until i got down to 92 lbs and i started to loose my hair. I lost all my respect for myself. I was 17 and i was hooking up with a 30 yr old meth dealer. he ended up leaving my butt ass naked in the target shopping center and took all my belongings. That was the wake up call for me. I told my family i had a problem and i didn't go through rehab i stopped on my own. Meth fucked up my life. the life i thought i had. I am still trying to regain all my respect back but its hard.
--Amy

i am 15 and i have used meth for about a year now
   ok my name is taylor i am 15 years old the first drug i tryed was weed then it went to the big drugs teh first time i did meth i was 14.why i started doing drugs in the first place is because my dad started doing crack my mom kicked him out and i was really mad then she sent him to perison he got ten years and i lost it iam a daddys girl.well then me and my mom would fight all the time.so i tryed crystal meth i didnt thnik i would do it ever again but i though rong.then i keep doing it then i started doing it with my older sister.now iam 15 and on probation till my 19th birthday.is sucks so bad. my 16 year old boyfriend started making it well just about two weeks ago he got busted so now he will be in perison till he he is 40 years old. my mom kicked me out because of meth and i am only 15 years old if you havent tryed it DONT cause you think you will only do it one time but you wont you will want it more and more so dont do it at all is sucks.i done so much at one time i was up for a week stright and started seeing shit.but i am clean now an i am happer than ever
--taylor

   hello peepz, i was 20 when i first used meth, my brother took me to an afterhours club one night to have a good time, we did some xtc and we had fun, but right around the time they were about to shut the club down my brother left without saying anything and he left me with some of his friends, who were avid meth users and dealers, needless to say i was hooked on meth after that night, i spent 3 months in a friends appartment getting high in the west end of edmonton, i lived on the north side of town...i smoked meth for another 3 months before i cracked, i had litteraly gone crazy, i lost all my friends, my house, and almost lost my life, i'll never forget the day i pulled a knife on my best friend, all over a stupid smoke... i have seen more meth and used more meth, then anyone should ever use, because my friend was a dealer we always had product, now i won't say how much, but i will say this, i should not be alive right now, my family docter along with several others have told me that the amount of meth i consumed should have killed me and the fact that i am alive is nothing short of an act of God, meth is a dangerous drug, there comes a time when you will realize that what you are doing with your life, throwing all those wonderful years away with every breath you take while using meth, i've lost at least 15 years of my life to meth... and i only used it for 6 months.... what helped me get through the addiction was family support and the undying need for friends, that and a city where there is no meth and where even the local "gangs" don't want meth in the city... i live in a small city in northern canada now, and since moving up here 3 years ago i have struggled to break free of the damage done by the meth, each day is a struggle, and to help myself even more i have joined up with a local youth group to help educate the community about the hazards of crystal meth and how to identify a meth user... without reformed users such as myself, there would be no hope, and this evil known as meth would reign supreme on our society and wipe us all out in just a few short years.... i'm not ready to die. are you?
--M

From Poppers to Ecstasy to Crystal Meth...
   I am writing this letter because today I had tried Crystal Meth for the first time and I am feeling wierd, because it's so amazing that I could abuse poppers, Crystal, and this other liquid stimulant called G. in the same time frame during a casual sex encounter with a stranger a bathhouse. I must admit that I have a compulsive personality, because I have been addicted to gambling for a few years. I was warned by my friend who is an occasional Ecstasy user that I must stay away from Crystal, because it's more serious and nasty than E. Anyways, I have done E. for about 7 times since this summer, and I had good and bad trips, but I must admit that it puts me on a complete state of self-destructive and vulnerable state, and I hated to have to "come down" from it. Even when I am writing this letter, I am still kind of high from the effect of the 3 substances I had abused some 12 hours ago. I am fully aware that I am doing this kind of behaviors because I am loney, bored, and depressed and just want to escape those feelings so I abuse substance. Honestly, if I am not high, I wouldn't behave the way I had, and I am worried that I can't even control my dangerous behaviors when I am high. I hope having expressed my thoughts about the Crystal experience, that I am not going to give in again, because I had witnessed someone I had dated two years ago how he was severely damaged by the long term abuse of Ecstasy and Crystal. I now realized it was the drugs that caused him to behave that way and it saddening to see him physically affected that he looked so different haven't seen him for over a year. I really don't want to go through what he had gone through, I would rather chose to deal with my emotional problems in a healthy way. And I hope that I can give up my desire to abuse drugs again.
--W

Me and Meth
   WOW! I really dont know how to start... well im 17, Jackie when i started high school i had never tried any type of drug NONE or alcohol yeah ofcourse i would wonder about it. So by the end of Freshmen year i met a couple of new friends they would ditch school to drink and get high of pot...that was their drug at the time so i started hanging out drinking alcohol and using pot alot atleast 4 days a week i would smoke pot. So that would be our routing ditching drinking and smoking at the time i loved it i thought life couldnt get better, i remembered how my older cousin Susan would always tell me and my cousin Favi never use drugs there bad and we would always say "hell no never" that meant nothing to me anymore! I guess it got to the point were pot got boring and i stopped hanging out and smoking so much started catching up in school...But i will never forget my junior year in high school when one of my friends had meth, i guess they had started smoking it because they had gotten tired of pot, and he offered me some at "the table" thats what we call the table that we sit during lunch and everyone was there telling me try it common and my boyfriend was there and he was okay with it, so i did... i snorted it man it hurt, and i didnt even feel anything...it didnt really catch my attention till my friend RIP LAO offered me and my boyfriend to get high of meth so we did...no joke we alteast did 30 hits man we loved it...or atleast i did i wanted more and then it became a routine to me... i stopped for a while then i met my friend JO man this is when it got real hectic we started buying meth we would only snort, smoke occasionally we would do it before school sometimes during and then after school and then the next day the same we would go high for atleast 3 days that went on for a couple of months for me i would do so many crazy things i would hang out with people i didnt even know get high in houses that i wouldnt know. I would mix crystal with pot man it was bad....so how did i quit? i came down soooo hard\, when i would be high i wouldnt be able to eat, sleep, or stop talking. I litarly felt like a prune old and very skinny by bags under my eyes were huge even my teachers started noticing! So one time i did crystal morning n night for maybe 3 or 4 days that when i stopped i was still high. I never came down, i knew that i must have calmed down by then cause i always would be, but oh my goodness i was soooo weak my heart was pumping so hard, i couldnt eat or walk. My stomach hurt so bad because i needed to eat but i just couldnt, i wouldnt be able to walk for more than 20 minutes.....i really thought i was going to DIE!!!! I felt like this for 2 days without sniffing crystal. my mom was sooo worried. I THANK GOD that happened to me because that opened my eyes i never did anything ever again ive been sober for a year and half im so happy! i did it by myself and my bf's help of course .....i cant stand thinking of how i used to be i would be walking in the streets in the middle of the night around 2 or 3 in the morning it was horrible... Im just glad to share this looong story i know that anybody can get through it, if i did.
--JACKIE

   This is the 1st time in a long time I open up about this part of my past. I was a meth addict for about a year and a half. I started when I was 14 years old. I started because a few of my friends were doing it, but I didn't become addicted to it until a few months later. When I started dating this one guy who was a meth dealer, since I started spending a lot of time at his apartment i soon became dependent on this drug. I stopped going to school and even ran away from my house, though I soon returned, it caused my parents to lose all sort of trust in me. i didn't quite realize it at the time but everyone looked at me really different, I disgusted them! I lost it all to this drug, I would sleep with random men just for some crystal.....at the age of 15!!!! It really wasn't worth it. i lost my pride, my dignity, my self-esteem, my friends, and my family. I am now 17 years old and have been clean for almost two years. if there was a way to turn back thehands of time I would have never taken that first hit, but since it's impossible to go back in time, I decided to tell some of my story hoping it'll reach someone who needs it and help them.....living under the influence of meth is not trully living.
--el

the attack of the meth monster
   I have known Tracy for four years, most of those years he has been a user. We have been casual friends because I do not use. A few months back, he finally convinced me he was clean and we started going out. If I was against drugs before I am for sure now. Meth takes a wonderful man with a heart of gold and strips him of all emotion. It turns him into a liar, a user of ones time and emotions.
   He refuses to accept responsibility for the problems and troubles caused by his drug use. He stays away from me when he is high, comes around when he is crashing, and swearing to never use again. It’s the same story time and time again, no one is there for him, no one cares. He is never going to do this to his body again, if he makes it thru it this time. He is coming clean for his son. But then days later, he just needs a little alcohol, or a pill to calm his nerves. Then its back to the Meth, although he has not admitted it. I may not hear from him for 3 or 4 days then he calls again. He misses me, needs to talk, he wants to settle down, make a life, have a life, all the things a woman in love wants to hear. But it doesn’t last. My prayer is the serenity prayer, to accept the things I can not change. I can not change Tracy . Only him and a higher power can do that.
   As we speak I have decided to take a different stand. I will never turn my back on this man, we have come to far for that, I love him, but I have to love him from afar, I pray for him daily, several times a day,, when he calls I tell him what God has done in my life since we last spoke, I invite him to church, and tell him that I care.
   I no longer ride with him while he is drinking, or buddy around with him, I no longer allow him to sleep at my house when he is coming down. I have had to give him up to God, place him at Jesus feet, let him go. I never knew about this drug or its devastating effects. I was so naïve, but it’s the ugliest thing I know. For the user, knowledge is power, understand what the drug is doing to you physically and mentally, so you can gather the tools to fight your battle. Exercise, take supplements to increase the dopamine,  Learn your triggers, write down a daily plan for your life, keep busy, never leave a slot open. Do not fool yourself into thinking you can trade one drug for another. Find a mentor, go to n/a meetings, seek a higher power. For the loved one of a user- take care of yourself, be well informed about the drugs, its effects, signs. Things you can help your user do to abstain, go to support meetings. Seek a higher power. God Bless,
--Grace

   I have a sister that is serving 10 years in prison for selling meth because she was addicted and had to do what ever her dealer boyfriend said. She was introduced to Jose by a mutual friend and shortly there after she was hooked and he had her dealing to support her habit. Jose had my sister going everywhere from town to town and state to state picking up and selling. I finally convinced her to move to the town where I lived got her a job where I worked we found her a little house to rent and all was going well. Then Jose convinced her that he needed her available all the time and she had to quit her job. All the while this was going on I never had any clue how bad or how serious it was. My sister also had my baby sister hooked on meth and collecting her money for her. A few months later in January after having a nice lunch with her she said she had to go to take something to a friend and was busted delivering $4000 of meth across state lines. We had no Idea what had happened to her calling for hours with no success so finally I drove to her house only to find the place full of undercover police and when they told me what was going on had to pick me up off the floor. They found me thunder the fridge, under the stove and 9 guns hidden in her tub and ceiling, not to mention all the pipes and torches they collected. But now that she has served 3 years I can say that this was the best thing for her because it has tuned her life around and other wise I believe she would have overdosed or someone would have killed her. This drug has affected my life in many ways with both my sisters using and to this day my baby sister still uses. Recently I had a boyfriend from 14 years ago call me up out of the blue. So I met with him to see how he was and if he had changed any. But much to my surprise he isn’t the same person I knew back then thanks to meth and it breaks my heart. I can’t change the life that he and my sister lead of cheating, lying and stealing and it kills me cause I don’t want anything to happen to them and there is nothing I can do to change them even though I so badly want to. This drug will make you kill your friends, still from your mother all the while you really have no clue what is going on and what you are doing. There has to be a way we can start to change things before this drug destroys us all in way or another.
--Jenifer

   Hello...my name is Shannon, I just wanted someone to know that this site has been an inspiration for me...my husband is a meth addict and we've been going through this for the last 4 years...It's nice to know that I am not crazy and there are people experiencing the same frustrations that I go through daily with him...I would never wish this on my worst enemy...even though I do not use...I still feel like I've lost myself...everyday I wake up praying, and end the day praying that he'll wake up and see reality. Thanks again to everyone who had something to share...I actually felt peace in my heart that I haven't in a long time.
--Shannon

The Shadows on the Wall (from user to cook)
   We walk these lonely roads of addiction and abuse; we walk these lonely city streets with nothing, but the devils angels caressing all of our flesh that love the demonic things of this world......
   For that is what the dope world is, it is the worst form of possession! And the world might think us crazy, but if you haven’t been there than you have no idea of the evil that’s wraps it’s self around you and engulfs your being.
   Evil really loves a cook, they make the evil that recruits all them lonely and unexpecting souls to the fire side.
The evil potion gives that troubled soul a fulfilling feeling about themselves that they are a productive individual in this ever demanding world of perfection, but in fact that’s just a front for the real evil that slowly without your knowledge starts to engulf your soul and your world before you even notice.
   It starts off a little at a time with the first line that demonic angel gives you, after that first line that drives you for thirty hours, as you start your come down your angel shows you the pleasures of the world. You know in your mind that you can’t do this and maintain, but the flesh loves them feelings of greatness and the touch and pleasure that comes with that first ride to the other side. But if you have and addictive personality you will be hooked or lie to yourself and believe you can control it.
   But whatever your poison (drug or pleasure) if it’s done right your hooked not everyday at first but eventually yes. As time goes by your lines get fatter and longer and your time on top gets longer too. by know your pleasures from the drugs is so radical in very explicit way that your angel has hooked you in that life ,as so he or she was hooked at one time and the process continues on down this road of hell. When you really get down in the pool of muck, is when you start the process yourself, and if your a smart one ,you will make a pact with the devil you get everything you want in that world, if you don’t make a pact your nothing!!
   There is a difference in the user and the cook ,a cook is evils right-hand man you see that’s what I had become, because I hated what I had become so its was my turn to turn a soul.
  As a cook your in the cesspool of that world you are a god of evil.
  I’d like you to meet my girl Chrystal....She takes children from their parents, she puts people on the streets, and she enjoys that last high with you and is right beside your side all the way to the grave. Makes a good man and abuser, bad father. She’ll make your mother or wife a shooter and a whore. She’ll make your kids lay in cold beds with no heat or food in their belly. Because daddy and mommy need my girl Chrystal.
   DHS and the law come visit and take your kids away and leave you broken and confused and if your real lucky my girl will watch you blow your head off or slice your wrist, and she loves to go to the morgue with you, she'll be there and no one else.
   After a few years of this great life as a cook things start changing your more paranoid, you stay up for twenty days at a time, your cooking dope ever week, your flying to fast and to hard you do an oz a week, just to get that same high you use to. but the paranoid state your in is catching up to you, you start seeing things feel like the world is trying to bust you, and then one day you snap and start abusing people you love, throwing valiums down your throat to keep from over amping and whatever else you can find.
   You don’t function normal anymore, you distance yourself from family and friends because of your shame and guilt you carry for screwing up so many souls lives.
   But you’re so mad because it happens to you, thoughts of sticking a pistol in your mouth and pulling the trigger relive in your mind daily, but the evil has you so tight he wants more souls and then it begins that internal fight of good and evil. You want out so bad, but you know if you pull that trigger and die you will be right beside the devil in hell.
   So you start praying to god to take you out of this world, but you get no results, Why should he help me that’s what you think, but you still pray, every cook you do guilt runs through your veins so deep because you know when it hits the streets, souls will start being infested with that evil you made, and souls will start dying and children will be taken away and mother and fathers will be locked up!
   WHY! Because of that girl name Chrystal.  There's only three ways you will end up in this life of drugs, and the twelve step program can tell you them three ways and sometimes I believe they are all better than the living hell this world is, I myself experienced all three. I did my first line and ran hard for thirty hours and I did my last line and flat lined.
   Just remember Chrystal will love you till the end of your time if you let her!!
   PLEASE DON'T! I DID AND IT TOOK MY DEATH TO REALIZE I WANTED TO LIVE!
--Ken

   It's midnight and all I can think about is using. Not so much me using, but my ex-boyfriend. I'm 15 years old and this is my meth story... In February of 2006, I fell in love with my best friend, J. He and I had the greatest relationship although he was a mild drug user, but our attraction to each other was so intense and strong on both a mental and physical level, that it somehow worked. J was so beautiful. Curly brown hair, blue eyes, kind of short, but hey, so is Johnny Depp. He was everything to me. We would spend hours lying underneath the stars, talking about the future, laughing, kissing each other's cheeks. It was so perfect.
   J used some when our relationship began. The first time I got high, the previous November, was with him. We smoked pot occasionally together and did Valiums and Ativan, but usually I was just a by-stander. I felt uncomfortable every time I saw him use or saw him high, but I never really said anything because I thought I shouldn't. A few months into the relationship, when it seemed nothing could go wrong, methamphetamine became J's new love. He used when he could get the money to, or one of his friend's could lend him a hit. I even gave him $30 once to keep him from crashing because when he did crash, I sometimes feared for his life and mine. All the drugs in the world became like a second nature to me. And it was weird to me at first why people would kind of shrug off pot and sometimes even pills like they were nothing compared to say coke, smack, or ice. But then I came to the realization. Meth turns everyone who uses it into a monster. I never really knew much about meth before it bombarded into my life, I come from a small town where the only thing it’s known as is meth, most people can’t even pronounce methamphetamine here. So when he and his best friend used, I was pretty mad when I wasn’t invited. I was told it’s expensive, like nothing I’ve ever had, and they didn’t want to tweak-sit (and J would always tell me he didn’t want me to get hurt). Um, then why are you using, baby?! The answer to that question was never fully answered.
   J broke up with me once in early April. He was crashing that day, hated everyone, nothing was worth it except the speed. He told me “I’m sick of everything and everyone in my life, including you,” at which point he walked off. Later that day, after school, he called me and invited me to come to the mall so we could talk. I went, because I was a sucker for him (still am but don’t tell him that), and I really wanted to know what was going on with him. And yea, I loved him. He was acting kind weird when I got there, which was actually becoming normal in those days, We went outside so he could smoke a cigarette, but then he went behind a dumpster and said “watch for me”. I thought he had a joint or DXM, which wasn’t out of character. But he got foil out of his pocket, turned around, and lit it underneath. I was dumbfounded. What was he doing? When he was finished, he grabbed me and pulled me in for a really close hug and kissed me. When he let go he said “ugh, battery acid. . .” and I looked at him so funny.
   He had just smoked meth in front of me at a public place, in broad daylight. I was so scared because I still didn’t know what to expect when he was high on meth. I stayed with him for a few hours to make sure he wouldn’t do anything stupid, even though he already had. He was affectionate, funny, and he seemed happy when he was on ice. And I hate to say it, but I kind of like his personality when he was high. But this, this is where meth captures you, saying “isn’t he wonderful when he’s high on me? Shouldn’t it be okay? You don’t want him to crash. . .” Everything kind of slowed down for a while, I think he ran out of money for one and finally got sick of the crashes and the tweaking.
   But one Friday, we got out of school early so we hung out all day, walking around our neighborhood and holding hands, just perfect. It’s funny how much I can remember about this day, like it’s integrated into my mind like nothing else. We went to the mall again to pass time, where he was so ungodly sweet to me and just my J. His mom and her friend joined us for an early dinner at one of the restaurants then we went to a convenient store to get J’s check cashed. I was kind of worried now that he had money, but I wanted to trust him so badly. I waited in the car with his mom and her friend, and when he came out of the store, he had a beautiful pink rose in his hand. I looked at it, then looked at him, and started smiling and crying at the same time. It was so beautiful!! We went back to the mall because that’s where I was supposed to get picked up and when we got there, my dad called and said it was time for me to go right then. I kissed J goodbye and followed my dad out to the car.
   My dad, most of my family to be truthful, didn’t like J and he thought that J was not good for me. Deep down I knew he was right, but I think what people don’t understand is that he and I are more alike than they allow themselves to realize. J was addicted to a lot of things, meth his favorite. I, on the other hand, was addicted to prescription pills, like Valium, Ativan, and I even did OxyContin when my “connections” had some to share. My dad gave me hell over J that night, which in hindsight I see it was well deserved. But I didn’t see it that was, and being overridden with impulsivity, I found every pill I could at my grandparents’ house where I was staying that night, and just downed them all. As they were starting to take affect, I sent J a text message that said “I just took a bunch of pills and I’m really scared”. About two hours later he came over and I let him in. it took me ten minutes to walk from my room to the backdoor because of the pills. We came back into my room and from here is where it gets fuzzy. I remember I was trying to explain something to a person that wasn’t in the room and I remember J holding me, and pulling my hair back when I finally threw up. He left around four in the morning, at least that’s what he says, and I tried to go to sleep but kept throwing up. The next morning when I came back to reality, J text me saying how stupid I was and how you don’t do that to people you love. I didn’t know what to say, he did the same thing to me, except it was more like all the time. I decided that day that I was not going to use again, it just wasn’t worth it. J went on a meth binge that weekend, because of me or at least that’s what it felt like. I tried to go to work the next day after I had taken the pills and I was so physically weak. J was with his friend for two days straight, doing nothing but using ice and tweaking.
   On Monday morning when we got on the bus, J was still high from the weekend. I knew he would come off really soon, so I started mentally preparing. On Tuesday, He wouldn’t speak to me, he shoved me away, and said he wanted me to go the f*ck away. I guess that was my breaking point, because I went to see him at his house later that evening and he came down the stairs where I was sitting with his grandma and when he saw me, he walked back up without saying a word. I told his grandma, who is so incredulously understanding that there was something going on with J. She said that she had noticed a major change in his attitude, physical appearance, eating habits, everything really. She looked me square in the eye and asked me what was going on. I didn’t want to tell her but I felt like I had to, for her sake, mine, and above all, J’s. My voice quivered when I said the word ‘meth’. She made a small gasp and said ‘oh my God…’ which completely broke my heart. So after I explained to her a little more on what a hellacious drug meth is (I had been manically searching the internet for anything and everything I could find on it the minute J said he had first used it), I left. She has been through a lot with her family and drugs, so I knew she wasn’t just going to sit back and watch him die. I just didn’t know what she was going to do.
   Later that night around 10 or so, J called me and at first he was really evasive and cursing, angry with me. But the more we talked, the more he sounded like a scared little boy. I told him to come to my house and he did, we stood on the porch for a moment, I hugged him dearly, and whispered in his ear ‘this has to stop’. He looked at me and nodded, and we went inside. When he laid down on my bed, a few minutes passed by and he started twitching and kind of scratching his skin, and I asked him what was wrong. He said it felt like there was a parasite in his stomach, crawling all around to different parts of his body, under his skin. I had read something on ‘meth mites’ that people get when they’re withdrawing from ice, so I started to panic. He passed out for a brief moment and I thought he was dying. A few moments later, right as I picked up the phone to dial 911, he woke up and said ‘did you hear that?!’. Hear what? There was no noise in the room except his raspy breathing. ‘The dog, did you hear it?’ he asked. There was no dog. There was nothing but silence. The strange thing to me is that after the hallucination he had, less than an hour later he was perfectly fine. He held me close as we listened to Soundgarden and the Screaming Trees, and fell asleep in each other’s arms.
   The following morning both of us decided to not go to school and we fell back asleep for a while. He left my house around 7:30 and I didn’t hear from him again until 5:30 or so. Only, when I got his text message, it said that he was sorry he had to go and stay for a while and for me to please wait for him and that he loved me very much. I was confused until his mother called me and said that he had been checked into a detox facility about 40 minutes from where we live. I knew his grandma would take action, and to sound terrible without meaning it, I was really relieved to know he was going to get help. He stayed in detox for 11 days and came home. Things were better, much better for about a month. Then one of his friends gave him his first hit of a joint and a beer, J was back in full swing now. He never went back to meth while he was down here, but he did start using prescription pills again and DXM.
   One day he wanted me to spend the night with him, and I would have to sneak over because our parents were getting strict about our relationship. At first I was really wanting to go, I had an ‘escape route’ and everything. But that evening, a weird feeling came over me and I called him and said I couldn’t come tonight because I didn’t feel well. He got very angry, but became passive after a while. We hung up the phone and I went outside to call my mom and talk to her. J beeped in while she and I were talking and I clicked over. He said he loved me, he wishes he could have been my husband, I’m beautiful, all these inaudible things that I could barely decipher. I asked him what he was talking about and he said he took too many pills, and he kind of meant to, and this was good bye. I freaked out.
   I started crying, and I called my dad and told him J might be dying, and asked him if we could ride up to his house. While my dad was driving to my grandparents’ house to pick me up, he called J’s grandma and asked what was going on with J and if the ambulance had been called, etc. She said ‘J’s fine, he’s sitting right here. Why would he need an ambulance?’ J had faked me out. He scared me more than I have ever been before to get a rise out of me. Things didn’t work out the way he intended. He told me one day on the phone he was ‘getting me back’ for my overdose.
   Two days after the pill incident, J moved eight hours away to live with his other grandfather. Luckily for him, his grandfather’s young nephew who stayed there a lot has ADHD and takes Adherol. So, J started stealing his cousin’s medicine, which is an amphetamine, and taking his grandpa’s Vicodin. He stopped using that when his family there caught on and he moved in with an uncle in the same town. There he tried coke with his cousin, drinks excessively, and smokes pot all day long. I must say that I am proud of him for going back to school though, because I know how much he wanted to quit at one time. He promises he’s not using any ‘hard’ drugs, and even though I wish he would stop using pot and drinking, I’m proud of him for that too. He and I have been through hell together, like a lot of you have been through. I would do anything to be with J forever, I truly love him. But I don’t know if I can be. I guess only time and sobriety can tell.
   I’m sorry this is so long, but I hope it’s helped someone out somehow, someway. Keep faith, be strong, and don’t give up. And always remember, love conquers all.
--S

ex wife also of a meth user December 7th letter
   letter of December 7, 2006 letters from x wife of meth user. I love to read these letters because I feel alone sometimes wondering how did this happen to my life. I do not know how my ex-husband let his whole family down getting involved with meth. I think it started out drinking beer than pills and on to meth. He was a long distance truck driver. Met a lot lizard at a truck stop and told me one day that we had nothing in common after 23 years of marriage. It does not bother him to this day that he turned his back on his whole family. Walked away from a family, home lost his job his friends - all for his new friends. He will figure out one day why these people are his friends. I know in my heart my life is so much better without this monster that he became. His son grew up without a father. He failed as a brother, a son, a husband , a son-in law but none of this mattered to him. And still doesn't. He thinks he has done no wrong. I will not wait on a apology because that will never come . I hope to find myself a good man who will appreciate the terrific person I am. I am very much ashamed to this day after he left 16 months ago that I was in denial of this happening in my life. He is living in a trailer park now dealing his drugs and having the time of his life because he does not have me to (bitch) at him anymore. Glad he is not living here or even close to us I watched out the window every day for the cops to pull us and arrest him. That would be a blessing. The lot lizard he is living with am sure one day will realize what a scum bag he is - soon as this drugs run out. He is living a big lie right now hiding out in his trailer park. Yes I am very bitter for the 23 years of hell I went thru. I can not wait for the day the phone rings and they tell me he died of a drug overdose. I will say thank you for calling and go out the door smiling - knowing I am finally completely free.
--BA

Been there and back (METH)
   I watch my Boyfriend of four years Destroy himself with Meth. It was Hell I mean He made himself retarded by doing huge amounts at a time I started finding needles everywhere I couldnt buy spoons fast enough they disapeared daily. How does someone start useing a needle at 40? I was in complete denial He blamed the needles on his friend I believed him.
   He was 6'2" 245lbs , Sexy, Smart, Charming and he had a wonderful sense of humor. I loved him deeply and he loved me too. Then the money started to disapear. He would say he paid the bill and not the phone got shut off, the electricity he made $42.00 an hour? We didnt have lights?
   Then I confronted him and he confessed but he didnt stop he just stoped hiding it. He stayed up for days and weeks he wouldnt go to work , our house was full of scumbags 24/7 I had the Cops at the door daily. I didnt have any place to go I was afraid of him the people and things that were in my home, I knew the I could go to jail with the rest of them. I'm not really the jail type.
   Then he started to get paranoid thinking that I was informing on him, cheating on him or stealing his drugs, Im ashamed to say how many times He woke me up in a headlock with a knife to my neck before I finally left. I was homeless it was horrlble, I got a restraining order the Cops threw him out but he kept comming back and I knew he would kill me, This Man that I loved so deeply would Kill me. He went down to about 115lbs in a year and his mind was gone never comming back even without the drugs he was insane. I would go as long as I could get someone to go with me and bring him food and It tore my heart out to see him, He would tell me he loved me and that he hadnt had any BAD thoughts, I couldnt, I still cant comprehend how this could happen. I notified his family they are in another state they tried to get him to go but he wouldnt. He got sick and His Mom came but he was to sick to go then. I went to see him before he died. I could tell it was him from his tattoos his Family all around him, He had a diaper on, I told him that I forgave him (I dont) I told him that I loved him (I do) He couldnt talk but I knew, I asked him to forgive me ( I was and am still so angry) for all the names and hatefull things I said. I was and I am still so hurt that he did this to us to me to himself . How could he do this to himself and why did he make me watch?
--B

Makes Everything Total Hell...
   This drug tried to ruin my life several times, through several people. I do not take drugs. I got away, but I have scars and am haunted by late night phone calls. I am haunted by memories of people who were so important to me, of course there is one in particular who I was in love with...you know the story. I tell myself that all great love stories end tragically...and this one, well, it still makes me cry. I feel so bad that I couldn't help him. This site is great, I really sometimes thought it was only me, that maybe something was wrong with me, now I know that I am not alone even though it hurts so bad that I sometimes think I am going to lose my mind. I don't know what to do when someone dies and their body is still there, how do I mourn? Will I ever truly be over this? He called me the other day and said "I think about you every day and wonder what would have happened if I never started this" "Please don't call" I beg him..."I just want this to be over" I say. He's gone. Who is that with his voice and some kind of memory of me? Why is he torturing me? It's the meth monster. I still love these people even though they are dead but alive but dead. It's all so confusing.I am going to try to be happy every day and move on. I am going to laugh and love my friends and family, I am not alone.
--Stephanie

Reflections X
   I last left off with "Monday I called into work, my pupils being too big to show in public, the ice gone, nothing left but recriminations.
   I had f-ing failed. Here I had such good things going in my life but I was willing to wreck it all for the very shit that broke me so shortly ago. I went to the local park and found a private spot in the woods and I disappeared into myself for several hours and when I came back home my face showed dark-circled eyes with normal pupils. And I slept, because I didn't just have work the next day...I had my life and purpose and direction to return to come sunny am. I had to rebuild upon the reconstruction effort underway."
   It was dreary and morose and disheartened inside of me for a while. The relapse was more than just tasting the devil again; it was admitting that I had been stung by this stuff. For so long after I left my fiance to her woeful ways I had shored up my confidence by telling myself, and believing, that she was our pitfall. And indeed she was the root of our demise for the relationship. But what about my contributions? What about my weaknesses and my folding?
   Well, the relapse did one positive thing in that it made me realize how fragile I was to the draw of ice. I could puff my pride up knowing I wasn't as bad off as my ex, however I had just proved that I was still able to be as weak if the opportunity arose. I was selfish. I was lonely. I was not healed. This apparent hole in my wall of protection--well frankly it scared the crap out of me. After seeing what ice can do to a person by living and witnessing my ex-fiance's demise I felt literal fear for my future. I sat on my porch night after night looking into the sky and thinking of both the past days and what the future could and should hold for me. I balanced that against all the good I had going for me. It was as simple as drawing a line. It is quite naive to say that I decided then and there that ice was not to be a part of my life any longer. It would truthfully be ignorant to say that, for I would have to bury my head in the sand or move to the moon. Meth is all around each one of us daily. And because of the prevelance of it in our lives, as so many folks know, it is something that has to be countered, engaged, and overcome...both in rehabilitation and in a support role for those that are dealing with it secondhand.
   I began writing to this Letters page. I wanted to counter the ice by refilling my life with positive efforts to eradicate and terminate its existence. I wanted to express the Hell I'd been through to folks that could grasp my heartfelt pain and also hopefully inspire others to leave meth behind, to move on, to see in me that someone had gotten away from the clutches of meth. I wanted to speak condolences to mothers, to speak frankly to fathers, to support broken lovers, to hug those shaking in confusion and pain in their first faltering steps toward making a better life for themselves.
   Who am I? I'm just some guy who saw past it, who was crushed by it, who needed it and makes that go away daily, who saw plenty of big guys go to jail, who saw money and lives and kids and credit and health and hope get burned into ashes by the coldest of drugs and desires.
   I'm you. Both the sufferer of the drug and the sufferer of watching the drug envelope a loved one. This was Reflections. I have caught you up in the most honest way I know how to write my experiences and feelings and emotions and transformation. I wish you all the best and will pray for all of us. Keep the faith and know you can be more and know your love for those under pressure is not in vain. Thank you very much for reading my life.
--mb

Help for parents when your seventeen year old is out of control
   Hello, I wanted to write because I have been out in the real world looking at today's youth and the world they are caught up in. My son who just turned seventeen in Mo. and we are told here at seventeen that we can not make our teen do anything but we are still financially responsible. My son went from signing delayed entry army reserve to in trouble with the law ,quitting school, and staying up for days and not eating and stealing money from relatives in a matter of two months.
   I just wanted to let parents know that there are boarding schools that will come take your child in the middle of the night and put them in a positive ,protected environment where they can not get meth or other drugs and can get back in school and get a diploma and change them on the inside. Research the web for the schools for troubled teens. My son is coming off of meth and pot but this is more than rehab it is training to deal with peer pressure and low self esteem and love for self, God and country. These are not cheap but how much is your kids life worth. I called school counselors ,dept. of social services, pastors, police, and every one told me there was nothing I could do but by the grace of God my son is safe and I wanted to let you guys know that where there is a will there is a way so do not give up on your loved one.
--Keith

X wife of a meth user....what about us
   I am the X wife of a meth user. What about us? It started with the liquor, and ended with meth. How do users think that they can hide it? It was the single most horrible episode in my life. This was the person that I wanted to have a life with, till death do us part. It was a death. A death of a marriage, a father and anything that resembled a life.
   We pretty much had it all. I thought that we were working toward the American Dream, and it turned into a complete nightmare. I wish that the users of meth, that hide it from their family, would at least tell the truth. If I had known, I could of put away my family heirlooms, and still had them today. I could of saved my child from the pain and suffering that you have put us through. How dare you ruin our lives as you did your own. How can you still not take responsibility for all the pain that you have inflicted on others. How embarrassing you have been, and continue to be. What were you thinking? You have a lot of nerve bringing it into our home, and introducing it to your family, because you want them to ride the pipe with you! How could you possibly want that for the rest of us. If you must live this life style, why can't you live it alone? Why can't you finance your own habit?
   The worst part is you are still there lurking in the shadows. How unfortunate your son can never really escape you. When your child suffers, they suffer for a life time. It is hard to believe that a child was second to anything in life. I can go on and forget you, but they never can, and for that you will get no sympathy. You couldn't do just a little, it became your occupation. It made you lie, cheat and steal from the ones who truly loved you. How can ever be trusted again? To try and cure someone with this addiction with love, is a slap in the face. We get to watch you never hit bottom, because everyone helps you, and feels sorry for you. We don't feel sorry for you....we feel sorry for the ones that are a victim of your greed. For being so self centered. For telling others that it is our fault that we are no longer a family because we left you. You left us no choice.
   I hope someday that you will realize what you have done. You didn't just do it to yourself you took us all down with you. You have impacted our life in a way that you will never understand, because you live in denial. Shame on you. You owe us and the world a big apology. We know that it will never come.
   You have the satisfaction of knowing, that we are going on with our lives without you. There will be other heirlooms for me to pass on to our son. His legacy will not be yours, at least you instilled in him the fear of drugs. The fear of you. He does not cry for you. He does not think of you everyday. He thinks of his new father, and when they will do the things that a real parent does. There is life after you...if you didn't know. We feel only pity for you because you were not wise enough to realize that you had all the things the some people dream about, and you threw it all away.
   I want to thank you for giving us our life back. I want you to know that you did teach us one thing. To be truly happy, we had to be truly sad. We appreciate every new day that takes us further away from you. You showed us that there is life after addiction. Will you ever know that?
   To your future partner I would like to say. Lock up your valuables and protect your heart. He will use you in every way possible, and when you have nothing left to give, he will throw you away. You will have no value. It will not be fun anymore. To you I say.....leave the world out of your misery.
--F

It can be done
   Hi my name is James...the first time I tried meth I was 21 years old .I used meth until i was 28..I am 34 now and in some ways i am still recovering from meth and in other ways I most certainly will not. But what I can tell you is that it can be done with out a chance of relapse occurring...I could not possibly put those 7 or 8 years of my life with meth in perspective for you...I guess you can say I was in it at the heights of the redneck labs.. When the good times were rolling right? WRONG....I wish I could go back their now being the man i am today and get on my knees and beg them with tears in my eyes for all my friends to stop ,seek help or what ever could be done to get it out of are lives....I suppose that is hard to do with many of them Dead or in prison now.....I have found life without meth to be far more productive with out it. But I now what it does to you i know how it steals your identity and gives you a new one. I know how it tricks your brain into believing that meth addicts are only week minded people. But Meth never tells you it will make you weak minded. I guess in closing I will say I was the worst of the worst on Meth. It almost Killed me.....But I have been clean 5 years now and they have been the best 5 years of my life...And now with out Meth I have a future....
--James