But there is only so much your heart can take & I did finally push him over that limit. I'm not saying this next part is my fault, cause we are both reliable for our own actions, but it does hurt for me to realize why I couldn't let that fear go to love the only man in my life that loved me unconditionally & never gave up on me. He helped me love in way I never had felt, unconditionally... unfortunately when failure, guilt & a loss happens to a Addict they tend to slip back to their comfort numbness, which was meth.
   This whole new meth life I was not accustom to, but I felt it was my turn to show him my love just like he did for years. I know now that we both made alot of wrong decisions & I made one of the worst. I started to join him to feel in my mind a bondness or to just understand him. Which I know wasn't & the kinda of love I needed to give him. We slipped so far gone together that it ruined both our lives. Of course it was all fun, exciting & new experience for us together, at first. We got married & he promised over & over that he wanted a normal life w/ me. Then the meth really took him over & changed my prince charming that came & rescued me at onetime into evilness. He began to disappear for days, wouldn't work, just thieve (making excuses he had to do it for the bills), just excuse after another, he got abusive & very neglectful to myself & my children. I was battling at same time my extreme weight-loss of 30 lbs, 110 to 80lbs. Starting experiencing seizures weekly, bruises all over my body from malnutrition & abuse. I was to the point I couldn't even take care of my children & gave them temp to their father until I was able to overcome this. While he battled w/ guilt, pain & his addiction. I battled w/ my health, future, pain, hurt , my addiction & my strength to be strong for myself first. Then I knew that I love this man unconditionally & I wasn't going to give up on him, he was very lost & I knew the real man he had become & strived to be after a long battle. I knew I was the one to save us this was the way to return my love to him. We've all heard of tough love, well I knew this was going to either cost me his love or that unconditional love he had before was really there, just smothered in poison.
   My husband is now serving the rest of his original sentence in prison for 20 months, violating probation. My husband knows that I am the reason he's there, & the first words that came out of his mouth.... was Thank You & I love you w/ all my heart. He knows I did this for our future so that we would have one & sober. Now I'm sure there's people out there that will disagree w/ the way I went about, but I know my husband completely & I knew if I didn't step up, he was going to end up dead or in prison for many many years. I saved our future, & now our baby's life. Now our journey is defiantly not over, the hard part has just began, but as long as we keep our love strong & our faith going we can overcome anything.
   I know any of you guys that are struggling w/ this battle, there is a better life its not easy, but at the end it will be all worth it. For yourself, love ones, & your future.
   I am 4 months pregnant w/ my husbands first child & its hard to overcome the guilt of what I did to my body & my baby the first month or the pain that my husband doesn't get to experience his first pregnancy. But I'm taking it day by day & realize I need to feel this pain & guilt to learn & be stronger. Meth will just numb it, cover it up & ease the pain, but those feelings will still be there, you're be weak in survival & not learn to love, live & forgive...... What kinda of life is that? Misery......
--C&N

Dereck, I read your story in the June/July issue.
   I was saddened by the many parallels that your situation has with my own, although my situation has not advanced to the conclusion that your situation has done. I am not sure why I even write this message, but perhaps I need some affirmation that one must accept the truth and act accordingly. I as you, were and are with the love of my life, and we began knowing that we both had our vices (I now know now, that mine are far less than her's). Then "things" change, ...a distancing creeps in, but one chooses to accept and pretend otherwise... then you discover and confront lies, but yet one still persists (as you say "love is blind")... then tension and animosity increases, but one still want's to believe otherwise... but finally, one has to adopt a position of self-preservation and execute "tough love". This is the stage where I am at... it is a living Hell.
   I think, that you have done the correct thing. I know it hurts, but I believe it hurts more in the decision process, than it does in the outcomes. You will recover and live to love again, as I wish to also. I as you, have been consumed with trying to "fix things", but we now know that we don't always get what we would want... as some challenges are insurmountable, and there is little that we can do, but accept this and move on. Thanks for sharing
--John

I let a evil drug destroy my life
   Hi i am sending you this email in the hope that if one person can benefit from my addiction to meth or ice as we call it here is not really worth it i will of succeeded. I am 47 year old male who lives in Melbourne Australia i first tried ice back in 2001 i was introduced to it at a social gathering amongst friends and associates, i had never really tried drugs in this sort of capacity ever before in my life i remember one of my close friends asking me if i knew what i was doing on that eventful night and i replied yes of course i do what a lie that really turned out to be after my first experience i did not sleep for five days and this was the beginning of the end for me. I also that year or the year after got into a relationship with the love of my life sorry but everything so hazy the last six years it is very hard to put specific date or time on anything for this is one of the side effects that this drug has on you by that i mean no memory of such on day to day things. I was so happy and contented with my life i was now with the person of my dreams and on a constant high always to me life could not be better how wrong i really was, I then made the horrible mistake of introducing her to it as well, things were good early doors between us i was her sole mate as she was mine to and we just went through life as though we did not have a care in the world this is how this drug makes you feel, you have no fear you don't care about anything else just were and how you going to get your next smoke. We had our ups and downs as in all relationships but we always seemed to make up for i never ever thought that we would be apart ever again in my life. in about 2004 things really started to get shaky between us by that i mean mood swings arguing and saying horrible things to her at a time when i knew it was wrong and knew what effect it would have on her but i really did not care i knew before i said these things what effect it would have on her but i still said them, Just a quick explanation were i am going here you see she had a pretty traumatic childhood from about 8 till she was 11 and was really finding it hard to cope with these things but i still went and said all these horrible things about her past knowing how hurtful they were on her, but still said them what i am trying to say is that this addiction is so strong you get to the stage you don't care who you hurt as long as you are high that is all that really mattered in my life. I then reverted to crime to make ends meet because at one stage i was spending two thousand dollars a week on my habit and this went on for years. I put all other important things in my life on the back burner by that i mean my children my family. what i am trying to say here is that this addiction ruled my life in every way. I have not worked since i don't know when i thought it useless to work for 600 dollars a week when i spend up to four times a week on the ice so this is were my spiral downfall began and i finally hit rock bottom on the 1st of September 2007 this is when the love of my life walked out on me and wants nothing more to do with me. i do not blame her or all my x friends who have bailed out on me, i am only twenty five days in to being straight again or should i say being a human being again and every day it is becoming clearer and clearer to me how selfish and destroying i really was to all my loved ones and friends. I am not asking for anyone who reads this to feel sorry for me all i am saying is if you have a loved one or friend who has taken this path try in your heart to be forgiving and understanding for we do not choose to be the person we have turned into, It is not a choice it is an addiction. As i am finishing this email i have just returned from my first appointment with my drug counselor and it is the first time since i can remember when that i feel so positive in my life i know this is a day to day thing and i can never ever really be cured for i am only one puff away from destroying myself again but i know i will get through this i pray i do, thanks for letting me email you my story or part there of for if i went into it all we would be here for months, I would just like to finally say to any one that reads this always remember this if it tastes good or makes you feel good it cant be good for you don't let the feeling of it fool you for it is only going to destroy you..... cheers
--mark

meth monster undefeatable
   I am a 35 year-old, strong minded woman. I have always been determined at winning life battles. But, let me tell you I finally found something that I can't win over. My husband has been a meth user for over a decade. I stood by him as long as I could. We are now separated. I will be seeking a divorce. Only if it were another woman I could have been done at once. With a meth user I have come to learn that he would stay clean just long enough for me to get my hopes up. Then bam there we would go again, he would start sneaking around being seen at houses he had no business being. Known drug houses. That by the way I called the narcotics division about 5 years ago and reported. I finally have moved, I had to sell my house because nothing would get done. I really believe my husband is a functional addict. He works has a good paying job everything you would want except meth turned him into a monster. He said he loved me and the kids but he was always to busy to spend any time with us. He literally started acting like he hated us. Locking the bedroom door so he could do his drugs. Lying and steeling to support his drug habit. I handled all of the finances, thinking that would help. Was I wrong! I am at peace with my self. I don't feel like I have lost. I have still won because I have accepted I can't change everything in life but I still have the strength to change the things I can. So, for the people out there just save your kids and yourself because you will not be able to save your spouse. They can only save themselves!
--cc

I am finding your wed site very useful and informative. I have been clean for three years now and during that time I found myself analyzing what meth really is to me and how I was bound to it for LIFE. This is a poem I came up with. I hope someone else out there will see something in it and it too, will assist in their recovery. Here is my look of what meth is..
--Lisa B

Set in a cloudy haze of addiction and self abuse.
Red light flashing, The heart is pounding The soul is crashing, My mind is drowning
My heart is aching, There is no light God I'm forsaking, I know it's not right!
Feeling the beast, It overcomes me I prepare the feast, Never to be free
Crying out in prayer, Screaming in pain In the beast's lair, I'm being slain
My flesh is torn, The soul is dark Now reborn, I show the mark!
The spirit is restless, My body lays still Trapped in this fortress, I got my fill!!

   I have been addicted to Meth for over 4 years. I would not wish this addiction on my worst enemy. Its so hard to get away from it your life. Your social life. I can be in a room with 10+ people smoking meth. If you took the pipe from the room, no one has anything in common, or would be around any of the people if you take the pipe. Its really hard to know that quitting is mainly mental and you know that most of it is in your head, and you still are doing it. I never thought something would control my life like this. I have health problems. I can not be on time for anything. I AM A MESS! God bless us all...
--Lorin

   My husband started using crystal meth and for 2 years I tried all I could to keep our family together. I worked a full time job and was a full time mom of 3 beautiful kids. I also spent a lot of time crying and dealing with my husband’s addiction. He was shot, lost 2 jobs, went to prison and cheated on me. But I still stood by him. I kept asking myself "am I weak because I stay with him or am I weak if I give up on my marriage"
   There were times when I wouldn’t see or hear from him for weeks. During this time my Dad committed suicide and 2days later my husband walked out on me for another woman. Leaving me alone at a time I needed him the most. I couldn’t bare the thought of loosing my Dad and my husband at the same time so I chased and begged my husband to please just love me, telling him I needed him. He would just walk away. I loved him so much I felt as if I could die from the pain he left me with. Choosing to live in his chaos I eventually lost myself and at age 29 I became addicted to crystal meth. Two months later my husband went to prison. I continued using and hanging out with shady people who stole everything I had that was of any value. Eight months later my husband got out seeing what I let happen to our home and our family’s belongings he began using again and started hitting me for the 1st time in our 9 year marriage. With in 3 weeks the abuse progressed and he began beating me in my head and face as he drove us to our home. He told me once we got home he was going to kill me and I believed him. I really thought I was going to die that day. Thanks to a stranger that followed our car and called the police I was able to get away. My husband later that night was arrested. That day I felt my entire life, all that I had gone through, all that I accepted and all that I did was for absolutely nothing. The man I loved and stood by through everything tried to kill me. All in the same week I lost my great job, my 10 year old daughter, my step daughter and my husband. All I had left was my 3 year old son and my crystal meth. You think at that time I would of opened my eyes and sobered up but I didn’t. My addiction became much worse and for months I gave up on life. During those months I still can’t remember where my 3 yr old son was. He was living with me but I was always so high I can’t remember how he ate or even bathed. That was 3 and half years ago. I have now been clean for 103 days! They say once you hit rock bottom it can’t get any worse but that’s not true. I hit rock bottom several times and every time it got deeper and deeper. Eventually I became a drug dealer. Selling drugs to people I know and love. Even though I did a lot of things I deeply regret to many people I love in order to stay clean I half to forgive myself. And for the first time in 5 years I love myself again. Through all this I have learned that you can’t help anyone that doesn’t want to help them selves. So I now know the answer to the question a kept asking myself.
--Tanya

Willpower being the key
   I am writing this to let you know, that I and my husband were or should I say "are " recovering meth addicts. We started doing meth in 1995 and did not stop until he got busted in 2004. Actually I quit long before he did as I realized it was ruining our lives and the lives of our kids. But getting busted is what it took for him. Now you have to understand that smoking an 8-ball a day was chicken feed to us it was more like two maybe three. But standing before that judge and her telling him that he was facing 20 years to life he woke up real quick. He said he thought about how old our daughters would be when he got out (if he got out) he got scared. We both walked away and have never looked back. everyone in his family with the exception of his mother are either "dope fiends" or dealers. We both don't see them. We both tend to get irritated with anyone that comes around us "on it" I keep saying, " when the word "dope" leaves a bad taste in your mouth and the idea of it all really makes you mad, then you are truly done!" Neither of us went to rehab, ( thought of prison was enough) but what we did do was trade off for FOOD! We both kinda gained 20 to 30 lbs but we are happier and see things so much clearer than we have in a long time. I just wanted to share something a friend of ours that passed away told us and he was a shooter he said "When you do dope the way I do it, after awhile it aint even the dope you get off on, it's the stick of the needle!) He quit using meth but his trade off was alcohol and he died from alcohol poisoning. But you see he was responsible for the death of his twin brother, in a matter of speaking he provided him with a "bump" that over dosed him and he died. My friend hated being in this world. I guess he got his wish.
   I just wanted to say you gotta want to be done with the dope life to be done. It's like an alcoholic you have to really and truly want to quit............ to quit. But once you make that commitment you have to just walk away and don't look back. We have been offered to have a smoke, but nah, not worth it. Ya feel too bad when ya come down. Besides life is much better when you're not looking at it thru a glass pipe!
--Scottie

   "untitled" by nellita reeves

I remember the first day i met you
i was so excited, but aware of your intentions, i had no clue.
We hung out alot, you were my new best friend.
When everyone else would leave, you stuck around til the end.
I never thought Id give me up so easy, i was so easy to get you didnt have to beg me.
Sooner or later i became your personal slave.
whatever it was that you demanded, you got it, no question asked, anything you wanted, you had it.
I was totally put in check like hoes to their pimps.
although you had complete contol over me, i was unaware.
but whenever i felt alone i could look and you were there.
Always by myside, youre cruel intentions were to hide.
I thought we were friends going on a joyride.
I didnt pay attention to the caustion signs, i just jumped right in, full dive.Because of my profound love for you,
i lost someone dear and close to me, actually i lost my newly put together family.
I thought about dumping you, its just how i felt.
but without you i couldnt go on with the emotions and guilt.
You took me to places id never seen.
You showed me how people are, you taught me to be mean.
We rode to the depths of my version of hell, where others didnt brush their teeth and they would smell.
I never thought looking back on my life,
that you would interfere and become my wife.
When things owuld go wrong, and i felt all alone
I knew youd always be there to quide me.
You never asked me about my past,
and at the beginning ill admit hanging with you was a blast.
But my time with you took an unexpected turn,
I had realized my life you had burned.
I was so obsessed with you and what you did for me,
I would leave with you and ignore my family.
When i was with you, it was like no one else existed,
some nightw wed stay up in and the dark and just hallucinate.
I then tried to leave you another time once more.
I didnt want to be your little whore.
So i went away and i learned things at my stay.
I learned why i was so obsessed with you and what to do!
but there wasnt a moment that passed by that i didnt think of you,
or have a dream about you, and there wasnt a moment of the day when i didnt want to
run away and kiss you!
I tried to stop loving you, but i knew i wasnt done with you.
As soon as i came back to the real world, i found you again, we reconciled, danced and twirled.
I remember them sayinjg if i went back to you,
it was going to be worse than the first.
I didnt listen because what i know was my love for you was true.
But this love was kinda scarey and frightening at times.
we went on adventures and road trips, and with me i didnt have a dime.
You brainwashed me more and more each day with you,]
until i thought the evil things they were saying about me werent true.
I believed in you and everything you gave me was like a secret gift of happiness.
I dont remember the last time i was really happy.
ot that i could look in the mirror and not say i was ugly.
you gave me confidence out of this world, when i was with you i was super girl!
I was getting thinner and i just loved myself because you told me if i didnt who else will.
at that moment in time i thought you were only mine,
but i was decieved by you and all your lies.
ive lost alot of valuble things and relationships to you,
and even tho youve put me through misery, im still not through.
You told me not to get too close to anyone at all,
dont allow them to know without your wings you fall.
never show youre weak,
never cry,
\youd say "bitch smile be happy dry your eye"
So far ive led most of them to believe, im a cold hard bitch, with a heart made of stone.
not letting them know my fear of being alone.
I dont remember what its like to love,
because from the day i met you, you were placed above.
I dont remember what its like to be respected all the men love to step over your boundaries.
 cant remember how to feel when the fury rises id seek you to heal.
Well its a bardn new year im thinking about getting my butt in gear,maybe go to school, get a career.
i cant plan my future because i dont know what tommorrow will bring.
Im not quite sure what split decision ill be making.
All i want is love in my life, and i know that secretly i want to be someones wife.
I know im young only 21, but ive lived a long life and its only just begun.
I just know hanging out with you is no longer fun.
Whenever im with you, i get really depressed and want to be alone.
Im not normally like that, i love new people. i love new sceneries, new surroundings constantly
Im seriously thinking about leaving you, but this time for good.
without you, there are so many things i should be doing, but with you on my back i only wish i could.
I want my dreams back and the sanity that i have lacked.
I want to be loved, but by someone else someone real someone i can feel and trust.
I realize i am more addicted to you, than any other thing in my life.
I live in america where we are supposed to be free.
but ive been a slave to you, because you got a hold of me.
if i dont leave you now, ill end up like most..........
21 year old girl...............
died.......of meth overdose!

   I wrote this poem while i was coming down off that horrible drug. i would really like to get my poem out there its already on myspace but maybe this will help someone else. i also have it on xanga....i will be emailin my story and my husband will also email his story. anything we can do to help