since i was born, i have been a type 1 diabetic, which means that i have to inject insulin at least 5 times a day in order to stay alive--subsequently, while being able to have access to an unlimited amount of syringes, it was then, at the age of 19,that i started to inject intervenously methamphetamine--without going into lengthy descriptions of my many experiences concerning this, i will instead put here a brief
 description of my encounters with the 'needle'--
as a child in school, i always learned from teachers about how drugs would make a person hallucinate into another world and i thought how great it would be to escape this world of pain--what they failed to teach, for example, was the frustration of not being able to tap into a vein due to repeated use and subsequent collapse of a functional vein--and most of all, the experience of emotions from pure rage to utter despair to begging with god for help, all within a couple of moments of failure--hours passing by now, and at least 15 or more dull syringes littering the floor unusable now from repeated stabbings, the actual needle itself appears to be jet black from the amount of blood it has filled due to 'passing through the vein', and i hate when the rigg gets infested with air bubbles that look like carbonation rising from a soda drink when you first open it and hear that 'fizz', both arms blood stained, eyes unable to focus due to the tears, the physical pain replaced with mental strain, etc...
worst of all, however, would be going through such complicated lengths to obtain the meth, only to discover that the quality is 100% garbage-you are unable to sleep, yet are not high at all--or you see 3 or 4 of your friends slam, and they successfully do it under 5 minutes, and you think to yourself, 'damn,i wish i had it that easy...'
... what i didn't see at the earliest of stages was that each time i felt the extreme rush that came from the high, the rush quickly left me wanting to have it again--and after awhile, the escalating frequency of repeated injections caused 2 things: #1) High Tolerance of the drug, up to the point that i did not even feel the high anymore, but i still went through all of the pain because of...  --> #2) it started to become exceedingly difficult to find a functioning vein, so that i would literally be covered in blood from stabbing myself over and over--it wasn't about the high anymore, the thrill was created when i successfully tapped the vein; the done-correctly-job itself, not the affect that it caused--every time i proved to myself that i was able to complete this task, regardless of the pain and still not giving up until i had it correct, i found myself having to prove it again, and again, and again ...
printed on every syringe is the protective warning,
" USE ONCE AND DESTROY "
---and all i could think was how true this sounded, taken into another context---
"USE" injection- type drugs/narcotics just
"ONCE AND "
you will "DESTROY "
your whole life---there is no such thing as 'experimenting' with this form of
destruction ...
most of the stories i have read explain a drug user becoming sober with the help of a significant other, etc., for me, however, i am totally alone in this, and have not been able to win the fight against this addiction
 --marlene (California)

A mother of a 3 year old son whos father is a meth user
   Hello! I am writting to tell my story... I don't believe in that you can not use meth only once. I have tried it once and have never looked back, but why I used it? Cause I wanted to show the guy I loved that I loved him and get his attention. I dated a meth user and he didn't only use meth he used alot of other things... he eventually got clean, but only because he didn't want to loose me and his soon to be born son. I loved him and still love him, but meth has ruined a life of someone who is truely beautiful. He was the sweetiest and the best person you could meet he cared so much about others, he eventually slipped back into his old way... He meet a girl (our son was about 7 months at the time) who was doing the drug at his cousins house and got him back on it he began to cheat on me and things went way down hill from there by the time our son was 8 months i had said that i had had enough and left him. He went on a wild streak and My son and I had not ever hurd from him again. though I keeped my eyes and ears open I knew what he was doing and the things he was going through and so badly wanted to help but didn' want to put my son through it. He has returned 2 1/2 years later wanting to be apart of our lives and I am not quite sure what to do I do not know if he is clean and really can't say if I believe him when he says he isn't. I don't know what to think and am confused. Meth has been apart of my whole family My mother left me to my dad when I was a baby and choose meth so it goes on and on. Meth has ruined my life yet I have learned to live with it and have seperated my son and I from it, I will not tolerate it yet i care and want to help. How can I help, but not get my son and I hurt emotionally or in any other way?
-Kelly

My story about using meth the "devil's drug"
   To start off I'm Heather and here's my story. well I have so much to say about this drug and how it messed my life up drastically. I started doing speed when I was 14 years old and now I'm almost 17 years old. I just quit speed recently. The reason I'm writing this is because if there is anyone out there doing meth the "devils drug" or wants to do it take it from me please don't. The way I got into using it was hanging out with the wrong people and had a boyfriend that used. He wanted me to try it and I fell in love with it instantly. At first it was just all fun and games you know but in the end I've paid a great price for using and the ways that I got it. When I started it was the best feeling in the world I thought. I liked it better than ecstasy, weed, everything. After my first time using I didn't want to stop it and wouldn't. I was also using coke at the same time I was a complete mess. For awhile I was able to hide the fact that I was always high from my family. After they would go to sleep I would sneak out of my bedroom and go with exboyfriend to his dealers house. I would get my fix and go back to my ex's house until the morning and go back to mine. After a few months my grandma started getting suspicious and I would freak out on her denying everything that was really going on. I wasn't hungry, couldn’t sleep, and always paranoid and I kept to myself. She noticed that I was getting skinner and real fast to and I always made up excuses. Then I had a big fight with her and I couldn't handle it I was up for 8 days already and she found out that I got my tongue pierced and freaked out. So I was uncontrollable I was hitting and screaming at her and just left my house. I got a ride from this one guy and I didn't know that he used meth but he asked me if I did and then we started smoking together. I was going to have him drop me off at my friends house but then I decided to stay with him to get free dope. A week went by and then I called my aunt to pick me up cause I knew that I wasn’t going to be ok if I stayed there. Anywayz I was clean for a bit until I moved into my step dad which is a complete jackass. He let me do whatever and then I was getting high every single day and then moved into a friends house which they all used meth. The way I took it was I smoked it goes straight to the dome. I needed it so I could hide myself and I didn't like me when I was on it. I also got to a size 4 in juniors and was very dehydrated and only ate about 1 every 2 weeks I am now very healthy and very happy. I was crazy and mean and just didn't care about anything anymore. Well then one day I decided to smash my pipe and just quit. but then I thought what a stupid thing to do there was a bowl left in there and I didn't smash it all so I took a fork to hold it in place and smoke the rest. Talk about pathetic right?? yeah and a few weeks later I went back to grandmas house to get away from all the old people I knew that I was going to die if I kept going the way I was going. I think the worst of it all is what I did to get the speed I sold my body, stole, lied, and anything I could do to get it. I am so lucky because when I think about it I should have been dead in so many situations but god has kept me alive through everything and I know he has a purpose for my life and he is the greatest thing that has happened to me and I know that this happened for a reason I would change it but I cant so im going to try my best to prevent young teenagers who are easily influenced to try any type of drug not to. I am blessed to be here today and I just want to let everyone out there that is addicted that cant stop or is even thinking about using this drug that god loves you and he dint put you through this u did it yourself but he’s there watching over your every move hoping that you make the right one and just come back to him he wants to love you and call you his child. When you think you have no one you will always have him right by your side hoping that you will just come back so he can fix everything you've done wrong and help you to be a better person. Please if you read this take it to heart and don’t throw it away I know that there is a god out there who was able to forgive me and give me my old life back with lessons learned and wisdom and changed me completely. He’s the same god that was there yesterday, tomorrow, and forever he has endless love and will always be there for u so when u have no one to run to he will be there for you and he will show you the way to go. God loves you and the wrong things you do makes you stronger and know not to go there again. thank you for reading this and I will be happy if only one person gets a blessing from this but I know there’s someone out there that will and thank you for reading it means so much to me and god bless
--Heather

   I am a 34 year old mother of 2 beautiful girls. I am a greatful recovering addict, have been clean now for nine months. I had been addicted to meth for 12 years. March of 2007, I was intruded upon from the police and family services. Now, I face up to four years in prison, and five years probation and up to five thousand dollars fine, just for paraphanalia. I have always found myself some what of a poetic justice while I was using. Now that I am clean, I have lost my ambition to write. I would like to share a one of my poems with you, so maybe you also can understand how this drug takes over your life and makes you feel invinsible.
--Jackie

BOSS
What have I done? What have I done?
I have given up my life for a spoonful of fun.
Full of substances that cause mind alterations,
Which leads to the wrong side of any situation.
Unable to have a clear thought,
No matter how deep inside yourself, you have sought.
Thinking about the now, and the now
Planning your next round, "I'm getting this how?"
Broke down to my socks, what do I have to show?
All is gone, everything I used to know.
I worked so hard for what I had.
Look at me now, a life of nothing, thats sad.
I know now, a love that was irriplacable, was my biggest loss,
Cause, I gave into my addictions, and once again "they" became my BOSS!!

   I am writing this from my cell in jail. I am 19 yrs old and my mom is posting this for me. She sends me stuff off websites and it really helps. I hope I can help someone too. I will be going to prison for 2-5 yrs, yet I am grateful everyday that my higher power has taken me away from that life. If your young Please reach out to your family before it is to late. They will be the ones there for your in the end, just like my mom. -Paula

Meth Brought Me To My Knees

It's scary when you realize your just a kid
18 yrs old and on your first prison bid
Shackled up in the courtroom
Your Mom's in tears
Stand up the Judge sentences you to years
Look at her and now I'm in tears
As you walk back to your cell you start to think
What pushed me to the brink
I'll tell you what it was my friend
It was crystal meth that pushed me to the end
In the beginning it starts off fun
Up all night on the run
But it doesn't stop there we know to well
That eventually it turns into a living hell
Look around and see no one you can trust
Please listen to me, quit you must
Because before you know it you'll be in the back of that car
Thinking, didn't I promise I wouldn't let it get this far?
But there's still time left if you want to quit
Slow down turn to your family and get legit
Now walk to the toilet, flush it please
Raise your hands and fall to your knees
Praising the one who can bring you back
Help to get life on track
Because the addiction is more then us
We need to give it to the one we trust
I hope this touched your heart cause it was written from mine
Remember it's never to late , you always have time.

   Hi... I'm 18 almost 19 and I've been clean for about 9 months now. I started when I was 17 and I was using G on top of my weed. For me, G was just like weed. Later on I began to really get into it. I worked but all my money went towards my high. But I continued to be "normal" like keeping up my everyday hygiene, going to school. I did not want my parents to know that I was smoking G. Then, I couldn't stay in school. I couldn't hack it, there were just to many people there and I was constantly nervous. And even my friends noticed I was changing. The thing about my addiction was that it's like it didn't give me the "fact book" side effects. I hardly or never felt paranoid, I never had hallucinations, or was irritable. It seemed to make me concentrate on whatever I was working on. For example, I could concentrate on my school work when usually I would laugh and talk with my friends. And like other users, I lost alot of weight. And one night I was in my room, I was on the last of my 8 Ball. And I was already stoned out of my mind, and I was packing another bowl but it was still hot so I set it down to cool off. Then I laid down and I passed out for an hour. When I woke up I began to realize that G was really becoming a huge part of my life. And I decided to quit. I just went cold turkey and have been clean since. Since being clean and sober, I have noticed that I was really making my family sick. I was ignoring my parents and mistreating them and my widowed grandmother as well. And when I think back to what I've done to my family I just want to cry so hard. They should have never been put through what I've put them through. At times I feel so horrible and I know I can never make up to them what I've done. Going sober is hard and two months after becoming sober, I became pregnant. So I have to stay clean. I don't mind anymore. At first it was so hard quitting. The thought of using slowly creeps into your mind and stays there until you can find another way to ignore it. The future father also used too. But we have been both clean because we want this child to have a clean slate and have us as real parents to him. If you think you can't quit, just please keep going. There is always hope in quitting. Yeah, it's hard but think about what you do to your family to the people that love you. And if you have kids, think about them. You have to have the will and the want to change your life and make it better. I'm going to be 19 in a month and if I can realize this, so can you. Just please remember, there is always hope...
--m

   Hi my name is Cindy and you will see in june/july my daughter's story, Her name is Erin. First of all, I did not give her dope when she was 12, she found it.
   That is not really important though. What is important is that I put my poor child through hell with my drinking and drugs. So, naturally, she followed the same stupid logic. I quit drinking when she was 13 because she didn't want to be around me when I was drunk, naturally. So, because my daughter is so important to me I just quit. With the exception of a few times, I have not drank since.
   Meth is another story. After my daughter found the dope under the bathroom sink, which I didn't know she used for a long time, I slowly progressed along with my daughter to daily use. My daughter was the tweeker that was up for 2 weeks at a time. I was much better, I slept almost every night. But I couldn't keep a job, apartment, car or anything else the dope man would take in trade.
   Eventually, we lived day to day, me hustling another apartment that would last until the landlord figured out I was never paying rent. Then eventually, we did try to run from a cab. My daughter made me go the other way so I didn't go to jail, and took all the heat herself. At this point, my daughter, my grandkids, my apartment, my clothes, all gone and nowhere to go. My daughter is locked up and my grandkids with other family and guess what??? NO FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
   Well, I got sober---and almost 2 years later am still sober. Guess what, I have an apartment, my daughter, my grandkids and have worked at the same job for almost 2 year...yes i allowed meth to ruin my life and self esteem. It is a slow road back, but I am getting there. As long as we all stick together and work out the problems that allow us to go there..we can come back.
--Cindy

   I did meth for almost 10 years. Nobody I know, knows exactly how long I had been doing it for. They thin maybe 3 - 4 years, but really it was more like 9 - 10. It was fun at times. Don't get me wrong, but it also made me into this reclusive, paranoid psychotic person I don't know. I have a hard time believing that I was like that, or believing that I did some of the things I did. Honestly I don't remember much. But I saw my life going down hill fast. And I couldn't drown out my friends prayers for me to get help. So I finally did. I went to a 30 day rehab. 2 days after I got out I was getting high again. Then some people came around that I thought were gone from my life for good. MY dope friends decided dope was better than our friendship and went with these people. I was pissed at first, depressed, angry... but then I realized I didn't want to end up like them. Sad, pathetic, dependent, mean, dirty, selfish, kind of people. So I said "bye". Erased their numbers from my phone, changed my phone number, and moved on. Nobody likes these people, except their little group of junkies. And I realize now that those aren't the people I want in my life. They did nothing for me. I have a great group of non junkie friends who love me for who I am not what I have. Life has never been better. 5 days after my 30th birthday will be my 6 months clean! I am so glad that nightmare is behind me. And I do miss my dope friends, I just hope one day they too will realize the hell they are living and stop the drug use! It was tough but totally worth it!!!
--E

   My brother has been doing crystal meth for many, many years, he is constantly in denial about his drug abuse, I have tried everything I could think of to help him, but nothing seems to get thru to him, not even death, yes I said death, on may 10th 2007, he had a cardiac arrest and died for a little over 2 minutes, he was on a breathing tube, his heart was only functioning 13 percent, his heart was very enlarged from the drugs, doctors told him he would not pull through next time, well when he finally came home, he stayed with me so I could take care of him, he finally went back home with his girlfriend after a month, and the next thing I know is he is out with his no good friends and back on it, his girlfriend does drugs too, so of course he will do it, he has no straight friends, I am very afraid for him, he acts like he doesn't care if he lives or dies, so I want people to know that this crystal meth will enlarge your heart and kill you. God bless all of you.
--A caring and worried sister PJ

   I am the ex girlfriend of Mark whom emailed your site last month. Mark was my best friend for years before we became lovers. I was unaware I was beginning a relationship with an ADDICT. Mark failed to tell me that he was addicted to meth when we began to live together in 2004. I had never heard of the drug until then.
   It wasn't much longer and I was an addict. Before I took my first puff I asked Mark if it was addictive and he assured me it wasn't. I will never ever forgive him for that lie. He handed me that pipe and knowing what life was like being an addict. I guess he feared i would not commence a relationship with him had I known he was addicted to such an evil substance. Guess what? I wouldn't have. He wanted me addicted so as that he didn't have to quit smoking meth himself.
   Our relationship was destined to fail right from the start. We both begun to love the drug more than we loved each other. As he mentions in his story he was guilty of hurting me in many ways but I do forgive him for all. I know he would never had said and done things he did to hurt me if he hadn't been on ICE as it's known here. I too was guilty of hurting Mark and many people I loved whilst i was smoking. I nearly lost care of my two children to their father and when I look back now, so I should have. I never neglected my children but was not being the mother they deserved either.
   I hated the person I had become and wanted my life back and that meant ending my relationship with Mark. Purchasing ICE would be near impossible for me where as for him it was reasonably easy. Not only could I not afford it I knew no one who sold it. I have not smoked ICE since I left Mark and vow to never smoke it again. If I knew me leaving him was going to give him the nudge to finally kick the habit, I would have left him a long time ago.
   I would like to believe Mark has kicked the habit but you see I have been lied to so much by him over the last few years that I can't believe anything he says anymore. I hope you are being honest with yourself. I also hope you understand why I will never sustain a relationship of any kind with you ever again. I am leaving the past in the past and never want to ever look back.
   I feel deeply sorry for each and every user out there and don't wish the life of a meth addict on my worst enemy. I am one of the lucky one's, I only lost the love of my life to Meth.
   I wish you well Mark and hope you make it through. Be strong. It's hard I know, I think of a puff everyday and probably always will, thanks! (LOL) I will love you till the day I die.