and Letters of the Hidden Costs
I have read many storys from this site, some inspiring, some moving and some just plain horrific. I can understand though, growing up in Los Angeles County, I can definately relate to a lot of what I had read.
My story started 10 years ago when I met my husband. I had never heard of meth or been around anyone that did it. I didn’t know until probably 2 years into our relationship that he had been using. From the time I found out until now my life has been a roller coaster ride. At first I thought it was sick, just the thought of doing is made my stomach get butterflies. He would be gone for days at a time and I would not hear from him. I wanted to help him, to save him, but didn’t know how to. I knew the type of man he could be without the drug. I wanted him so badly to stay home that I thought maybe if I just do it with him it will make him want me more. That just made things worse because then we were both out of it all the time. I can honestly say, I never liked it. After a year of using, I quit. It wasn’t hard for me. The hard part was knowing I was going to loose him. We had been together 4 years when he went to prison for the first time. I waited for him because he promised me he would never use again. Of course, I believed him. He was in prison for a year that time. When he got out everything was good for 3 months. Then money started coming up missing, we were arguing all the time. I knew what he was doing, but didn’t want to admit is to myself. Six months after he got out, he got busted, and went back to prison. This time he was going to be in for 4 years. At first, I told him I wasn’t going to wait for him, but over time he convinced me that things were going to be different. He has been out for 4 months now, and things are going great. I pray to god I made the right decision, and that this time maybe he really has changed. I see the way he is with our daughter and know that he loves her with all his heart. He missed the first 6 years of her life, and knows that he cannot ever get those years back. He has always told me I was his angel, but I know that our baby girl is. She did something for him that I could never do. She saved him from his addiction!!! Maybe this will be a happy ending to a horrible story. My prayers are with each and every one of you!!! May god be with you.
Hi my name is Maria and I feel like my life is being destroyed by meth. My husband is addicted and I don’t know what to do. We have been married for six years and we have two beautiful girls who love their daddy. He putts the blame on me, he tell me I didn’t pay attention to him so he turned to drugs. At times I feel like I want to help him but when I see that he keeps lying and using, it breaks my heart. I love him with all of my heart but I can't put him before my kids. I hope that some day he sees how much he is going to loose and I hope that it isn't too late. I desperately want to move on but the guilt and the love I have for him keep me in the relationship. I never thought a person who I love so much could cause so much pain to me and my girls. If someone is going through the same or has gone through it please give me advise on how to let go of the guilt and a relationship where the only thing I get in return is tears and more tears. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org (remove the 22 after the @ symbol - this is done to prevent spaming and trolling robots)
I recall thinking in my youth, that im a "strong" person. Yeah- i can handle anything life throws my way! After a failed 20 yr marriage and 3 children later, ihad my own house, brand new mustang, my own business...life was freakin good!! Then my mom got sick. She was my B.F. An she didnt get a physical illness- but a mental one in which she couldnt care 4 herself. In fact was a danger to herself n others..i had no choice but to become her guardian- which she hated me 4. So while at work one day a coworker offered me a tiny white pill n said it would ease my worries. Oh man did it ever! So i got a few from her on n off..on a whim one day i searched "pharmacies"..then "online docs"..next i knew i wasnt just addicted to XANAX! I WAS TAKING BOuT 20 mg a day! And they were all delivered rite to my door! Til my credit cards were all maxed, my debit card was useless. Man if i could share that feeling of withdraw good enuf 2 spare others that same despair then it wouldnt have happened for naught.... during one bad withdraw scene i went lookin 4 a fix of "chil pils" . To the biggest dealer n dis midsize town usa. A close friend knew i was going n asked me to get some Ice. . To be cont..
I really enjoyed reading everyone else's story regarding they lives being touched by meth. Mines a little different in that im the other side of meth. Im a meth user/ now recovery (so he says) girlfriend. Ive been with the guy for 8 years and the last 3 have been hell. He started taking meth and drinking and going out however i was so naieve i never suspected any of it. I have never been around drugs and alcohol and he is 7 years older than i am and he had experienced it. I didnt understand why he wouldnt sleep with me at nights and why i would wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning and he would still be awake after working 8 hours and watching lots and lots of porn. I started to feel inadequate because he preferred porn over me. He would lock himself up in the room for hours and i would ask him a question and he was so short with me. We lost all communication with each other and i immersed myself in school earning a 3.6 gpa and working full time. I was exhausted but as long as i had something to focus on other than him it helped me cope. He never actually admitted it to me that he did it until i found white powder on a mirror and still did not know what it was. He played my naievity against me. He started going out to clubs and would not come home till 6 in the morning just to go to work and do it all over again. He finally decided to get help and was gone for 2 months to rehab. When he was gone i felt a huge sigh of relief and like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder. Then when he came home was the happiest day of my life i was ecstatic to have him back and we spent so much time making up for time lost i was on cloud 9. Eventually time went on and we started to get comfortable again and he started again, i suspected it this time but was afraid of starting a fight because he was edgy i kept my mouth shut. He admitted it but stated he could overcome it himself. He didnt need rehab. He tried to drown his sorrows with alcohol, he drank so much he lost his job and slept almost 18 hours a day. Our bedroom reeked of body odor because he would not shower for days. I reached out to his parents, mind you they are christian with degrees and normal people, his dad came to my rescue and was assaulted by my bf who was running around the house naked and screaming. He went a second time to rehab, this time for 6 months. It was hard but i was hoping he would return like before and be the guy i fell in love with. I was wrong again. I felt so stupid for enduring this with him. People would ask him why i stuck by him thru this and i wanted to scream because im stupid, self-loathing, and incapable of loving myself. But thats not the case. Im not stupid and i know i deserve better but why wouldnt i just give up on him. He came home and we moved and i thought aww yes fresh start and things were good. Him not having a job was wearing on him i think. I paid all the bills and he just sat there and tried to get better. I thought it would be ideal for him but he didnt stay clean for long. He met people quick, i hadnt even met many people and somehow he figured out how to score meth in a month of being in a new place. I thought i could shelter him from this if we moved and he didnt socialize with anyone. Stupid right? I was trying to be a parent to him and enabling him. I learned this is the hardest thing to do is not enable someone. So now hes home and clean for a month and went into a detox program for 2 weeks until he was kicked out for not complying with the facilities rules. Hes home and has a job but drinks everyday. He thinks because he doesnt do meth we are good. He traded one drug for another basically. I feel so lonely and miserable and it has caused severe depression. I have become violent and even contemplated hurting him but thats not me. Im a peaceful person and i could not imagaine hurting anyone. He has pushed me to my limits and i want him out but i know i love him so much it hurts. He tells me to tell him i dont love him and he will leave but he knows i cannot tell him that. It hurts too much. I just wish i had the same guy i met so many years ago but im finally getting it that hes not that person. Meth has transformed his brain into someone i do not know or want to know any longer. Im embarassed with my situation but i have problems letting go. I feel strong enough to tell him get out but when it comes down to it i crack. Sorry for my rambling i just have no other outlet. Im embarassed to talk to my best friend because she doesnt understand why im still with him. I dont dare tell anyone else for looking like a stupid girl that doesnt know when its time to move on. Ive helped my friend leave a abusive relationship yet i cannot do it myself. Thanks for listening and you have no idea how much of a relief this is for me to get this off my chest.
I guess I started in high school, with alcohol, and then on to mariguana. This was my wonder years and today I wonder where they went. I got my first taste of meth around 1985. Then it was every once in awhile until 1992, when I first started running to California, it was plentiful then and relitively cheap. I'd go for days without sleep, wouldn't eat, I was a walking time bomb. I would run back and forth to the west coast at eighty miles per hour, eghty thousand pounds of steel under me, and most of the time I had no idea where I was or how I got there. My eyes were sunken back in my head, my clothes just hung off my body like a clothes line. I finally realized I had to come off the road or give up the dope. I came off the road and styed on the meth. I actually thought I had done the best thing. I guess for the other people on the road, I had.
i was the biggest tweaker in the world. i did meth for about 7 years. snorted it only for the first 5. started smoking & snorting it which is when the disaster started, and i had an endless supply and once you start smoking it all day ,while still snorting it is when you realy lose your mind. i thought every helicopter was out to get me, i searched my entire house on hands & knees looking for clues that my boyfriend was sneaking into my house manufacturing speed. this whole period is such an effed up weird blur, but im pretty sure he most definitly was doing NOTHING of the sort. i thought he was cheating on me with my best friends, I thought they were conspiring to have me locked away, i thought there were secret cells batteries that he was using to spy on me with in my purse. (too hard to explain...dont even ask lol) long effed up story kinda short, i quit cold turkey. no rehab. it is possible. and i hate to say it but it wasnt nearly as bad as I thought it would be which seems ridiculous now cuz i should have quit WAY sooner. it wasnt even that hard. the final straw was when i was listening to my boyfriend accuse me of doing the most insane things that i wasnt doing. I heard myself accusing him of insane things that he wasnt doing. we both started crying and i sad this drug is making us effing insane. we both were smart enought to realize we had utterly lost our minds. (i was 93 pounds that day...im 5'8) he hadnt slept in 5 days, i hadnt slept in 3. so anyway we both quit. i feel better than ever now. its been a year. i have more energy and i can get out of the house, im never flaky or late and i dont spen 3 hours getting ready. i look better. i feel better, i smell better lol.
Sending you as promised what I am doing after sending the first report about me… I am happy to say that I am free and got away from the hard time of withdrawal. I haven’t touched anything to make me happy since 4 months or more and not even inclined or tempted to try it even for once. I am happy to see that my brain and after a looong time learned to take simple pleasures and the depression moods are less and less ..I even took myself off any meds as I knew the problem from which my depressions arose.
Hi. I am a 31 year old meth addict. I have been addicted to meth for the past 11 years. Most of which I don't remember. I had a good paying job, fabulous boyfriend, and many friends. It all caught up to me though, beginning in 2006. My boyfriend found out about my meth use, we had been dating for about 7 - 8 years, I was using the whole time. He begged me to stop, I promised I would, over and over again. Finally I decided I needed rehab. My work, of course, allow me the time off. I had worked in the office for 7 years. When I got out I stayed clean for about 2 days. Then picked up where I left off. I was so delusional that I didn't see the huge disaster heading my way. In January of 2008 I was fired, after 81/2 years, because I wasn't following procedure, but I thought I was irreplaceable. Guess not. I lived off my unemployment for months. Still messing around, not learning my lesson.
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