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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents


  So, I thought I would take a minute and email you about how I feel. I know you probably aren't there and probably won't respond to my email. But I wanted to tell you I miss the good "ole" days when you would email me right back. Even if we didn't see eye to eye atleast you were there. I miss that. I have thought alot about how much you've missed out on this past year that has gone on in our lives. Nothing really monumental, just the kind of stuff families experience together. I wished you were well enough to enjoy what life has to offer.  I feel very sad inside worrying about you constantly. I live everyday with such a helpless feeling, wanting you so badly to care about yourself. I have fought so long and hard to try and save you. Only another mother would understand how hard I've tried. Yet, I feel I've fought this battle alone, and I fear you're slipping away.You have so much to live for, yet you don't seem to see it.You can't see it because your additions have taken such a tole on you, brought you false friendships and fooled you into not caring.

   I know you don't understand my desperation, but your life is at stake and you are my son.  My life would not be the same without you. In alot of ways, I already feel like I've lost part of you. The light in you has dimmed. When I look at you, your not the same. I see the effect the drugs have had on you. You have lost that sparkle in your eye, now their dark and dilated. Your are distant and complacant, confused and detached. Sometimes I wish I could shake you really hard and say "wake up, wake up!,  and want to live!  Please want to live for me and your son! I can't bear to imagine our lives without you. What would I tell Jake. I couldn't bear his sadness if something happened to you. Yet the thought of it haunts me everyday. Everday, I fear that Meth will take you away. You wil never know how much I too have suffered from your addictions. How I too, have lost quality of life. I truely feel that if you continue down this path you've choosen that you will leave us. Please love us enough to stay. Please find the strength to over come your addictions and save your life. We will be beside you. I pray each night you will wake up and say "today is the day I'm going to change my life". "I matter", my family matters" . I love you Jes.
--Mom

Selected e-mails are published monthly.  The purpose and intent is to discourage crystal meth & methamphetamine use.  If you, or someone you know, have been affected by crystal meth, please add your story so others may learn from your experience. We do not disclose personal information and edit out such when possible.  E-Mail letters to: kcimeth@yahoo.com

   Yes, we had it all. The white picket fence . The middle class life style, the good jobs, the 3 kids and a dog. The kind of life we all dream of, the one that has few worries and just seems to only get better as it goes on. We worked hard to get were we were in life, we did with out a lot in the beginning, to us pizza night once every other month was a huge treat. Our children wore garage sale cloths to school for many years before we could afford to actually buy them their first pair of store bought jeans. And I remember the first time they got to have a bran new bike, picked out themselves from Wal-mart. I don't know who was more proud them or us. We (my husband and I) started out our lives together very young, I was 12 and he was just turning 15 when we met. By the time I was 16 and him just 19 we had twins and just a few years later we had another addition to the family. Both in are very early 20s and 3 kids already. I always had wanted a play ground full, but was unable to have any more, so that is what steered me in the direction of child care in my home for some 20 odd years. While my husband worked at him job for almost 30 years. As I wrote we made a good life for our family and eventually were able to move into our first house as our children started the early years in school. We always new that we wanted then to be raised in a home that they would some day look back on as the home they could bring their own children back to. As each of us had lived in homes growing up that would be different each year along with different schools friends etc... We wanted to give our children a little more stability than we had , had in our growing up. We were also each from divorced parents, remarried, divorced again and again 5 times for me. Each of us with 5 sibling all with different fathers, for me an unknown father. Our goal was to do what we could to better our children 's lives if even a little if possible. I was a stay at home Mom for many years, Child care during the day for my own 3 and for half the kids in the neighborhood as time went on. And also did elderly care work in the evenings after my little ones were in bed for the night. My husband worked 10 - 12 hours and day and quite often a full and 1/2 day on the week-end. As I wrote again, we worked our butts off to get were we were. By the time our 3 children were in high school our lives became a little more our own. We had more time for just the two of us and began to spend more time with each other as the kids were spending more time becoming independent and their own persons. And actually we to were doing the same, as we were so young when family life for us had begone, that we never really got to do all the fun stuff that a young person got to do. That is were it all the wrong stuff began. The bar seen, the gambling boats, the all nighters  etc... The wrong crowd found us as we were naive to its draw. And then the drugs, my stupidity! I was going to turn 40 and for my birthday I told my husband, " I wanted to do something fun, wild and crazy, with him, something I (we) had never done before." I told him, "I wanted to try that cocaine stuff every one was always doing at the bars and parties, I wanted to try it with him. Just the two of us." I had heard it was great for SEX and I wanted to see if it was true all the things every one was saying about the stuff. Well he got it for us and it was everything everyone was saying and then some. Only I didn't find out until later that it was Meth not Coke, By then I (we) didn't really care. It was already becoming a week-end treat for us.And it didn't take long before we were getting it on Monday to help us past the long week-ends we were having and then before we know it we were wanting it everyday and then needing it everyday was right around the corner. And last before we could even have seen it coming it was 5 years later and we along with our youngest child of 20 at the time were all so addicted all we did was get high day and night. By the end we lost our jobs, my husbands of 30 years and mine of 10 years and then our Home of 20+ years and every thing we owned adventurely. As when we lost the house everything went into storage units and was auctioned off to the public later when we were homeless on the street and couldn't pay the dues on it. Everything was gone, our whole lives. At the time it was the hugest loss that I had ever felt in my life. But looking back on it now, there only a few un-replaceable things that I actually miss, the photo albums, my Mothers handmade blankets she made for each of the kids when they were born, the flag and mettles in the glass case that my husband was give at his fathers funeral, our marriage lessons, our wedding rings. All the rest doesn't even mean that much. Especial now 2 and a 1/2 years later after starting all over again, beginning the first days clean in another state were we ran with a few dollars that we decided  Not to spend on Meth, to rather run like Hell instead. As we lived in our van, homeless for the first weeks with our daughter and our baby grandson, it was worse than losing the house, worse than anything that could have possible have happened to us. So, I thought at the time. But I realized as time when on and things little by little got better each day, that the one thing we didn't loss or the worse thing that didn't happen, That if we had stayed were we were and never had ran when we did, WAS US, we were still all together and still are today. In the worste of days I had thought we lost everything, but in looking at it now I know and believe we were so lucky because we saved the most important thing from loss of all, US! And that is why I chose my name like a bedtime story of  "ONCE APON A TIME" because today we are living happily ever after. It still has its struggles and challenges every day, but we work hard at it to make it work. Just wanted you all to know me a little as I have read quite a bit of you all for the past few weeks. In closing thank you for reading and sorry about the spelling, but most of all THANKS for all the Great words from each of you.
--Maria


   Hey there, Not sure how this has come about really, me writing you, but here goes. I came across your site by accident. See how things can be sometimes? I am guessing you are the person with the brother on meth and the owner of this site. You can call me Lis. I live in California now. For over 6 yrs. South Florida b4 that and that was for 10 yrs. From 25-35 yrs old. But my drug problems or whatever you call them.... they started 20 yrs back. 
 By the way, I havent touched Cocaine since 2005. To this day, I do not know exactly how I am still off that poison.
   It ran my f--------n life from 17, 18 yrs old till I was 34. I started smoking freebase because my older brother sold it. And I had more connections that needed for so long. Now, I happen to be a pretty woman and back then... well, you must ask for it in a sense. People just attract to each other that are on that shit.
   About your brother for a moment, not sur if your in California or not....but in San Diego..., man, people are tore up from the floor up on that shit.
   I never liked Meth. Tried it a 1/2 a dozen times. Each time it was weirder and weirder. The paranoid feelings, can't sleep, you are too intense with your way of talking to people and you act like a retard.
    My suggestion to you is; make some calls and get him in detox. Then inpatient, for no less than 90 days. It always depends how long someone is abusing for as well. Now, if he doesnt admit he is messing up, he wont give it any effort. You have to want it they say.
   I was beating myself up ( in a matter of words ) and running the streets for so long. Does he work? Does he have family in another state to get away after treatment and live with? When the dealers are in your hometown, you cannot stop. All it takes is an argument with someone........... and you wanna use.
   Or your bored. It really has to take it's toll on you, I believe, for you to go to yourself >>> I NEED HELP. 
    For me, I had to move 3000 miles away. Or I would of been dead. The places you end up when your high....the peoples homes....forget jail for a minute.... you are not safe when you party with those types of people. Running with the devil.....it will catch up. So, without telling you my life story... at least for now.... I found your site after going to the movies last night. Came home and wondered...what the f**k is wrong with me? I have been off hard drugs for years and I am a mess! All kinds of past memories that haunt, blah blah.... It sux. I hope your bro gets help. Before he's gone. Write me if ya like.
-- Lis


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