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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents


   I am a former user/Addict. i have tried just about every drug a few times, was addicted to weed for years at one point, then pills the next. Never really liked coke, just did it for fun at times. Stopped just about everything by 17 I had to grow up and live on my own. When I was 19 My Ex boyfriend (Ex for this reason) was a functional addict to Ice and introduced me to the drug one night. Wow, it was great!! No intentions of getting addicted, we smoked together here and there... Here and there turned into everyday/Night. No sleep, made ourselves eat at fine resturaunts (even though I wanted to deff not eat) and do a TON of things on the Internet at night and day, because while we are high our brains just keept going and going. Didnt do much outside and i was nervious around other PPL- only while I was high or comming down, so I deff didn't want to be social much, I would make myself be social. But Sober i always wanted to be social with other PPL.I would not be around him a full week out of the month, that week- I then knew I was addicted, because I'd I have horriable come downs, and crazy feelings of depression. For a year we dated... After that week of "recooping" then we were back together, I would say "no". See him smoke, and have this horriable almost jeliousy feeling of him smoking without me, so it drove me to take "one hit" turnedout to be "two" three so on and so forth. A year of this drew me so deep in I began to get worried about my health and this drug I let create/TAKEOVER my future/lifestyle.. I did research-- so much research and even wrote in June of 2009 my story on this AntiMeth site in the middle of overcomming my experiance. It starts off with "I'm 19 years old".... Anyway, I started Making plans on how I was going to stop what I was going to do and followed through with my plans. I had to break up with him number 1.. Number 2: Dropped friends(Only my addict friends), even changed my number. I got a dog to help me through this transition and it helped.. I moved away as well. I haven't smoked it since, but of coarse day dream of that butterfly feeling in my stomache when I did do it. Was it him or the drug I loved? Don't know. I loved him dearly, I do know that. But how would I ever know? I won't, I will not put myself in that position again to findout if it was the drug or him I loved so much, because being around the drug is uncalledfor as a former addict... Once an addict-Always an addict.. It's a disease. I'm 6 months sober now, gained healthy weight, feel better inside and out, and made new sober friends (we love to drink, but I have an addictive personality so I try watching how often I do drink.) it's up to you PPL!! Let's not let the devil Win this! He's living through the drug and through other ppl to get us to be a Slave to this horriable unhealthy/misrible lifestyle and drug. Cange your phone number, tell you family, get closer to your family for help or guidance or love, make new friends (not through your smoking friends), or move if you have to!!! If your not in the position to move, make yourself in the position to move. Go on a walk- Sober to see there is a world there that can make you happy that doesn't include this fake happiness from Meth- YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THIS DRUG. Its fake! Your not! Lifes not fake! Lets live it. Think positive and be determined... Only YOU can flick that evil monkey with your finger and say F@&$ YOU I wanna Live my life... Not fake it away. Only you have the will power to overcome this addiction and transition/Lifestyle. We will never overcome this disease- because its there forever, we can only avoid being addicted again...Your not alone PPL!!GoodLuck!
--M

E-mails are published monthly.  The purpose and intent is to discourage crystal meth & methamphetamine use.  If you, or someone you know, have been affected by crystal meth, please add your story so others may learn from your experience. We do not disclose personal information and edit out such when possible.  E-Mail letters to: kcimeth@yahoo.com

My Story
    I am now an almost 30 year old married mother of one, but about twelve years ago, my life was in a world of sh*t.
    I had been on my own since I was 16, because my parents and I did not get along. It wasn't a physically abusive home, however it was mentally. I was freaking out at school, cutting myself, smoking weed...I had to get away. So I moved out and bounced around various friends homes for the better part of a year. The summer of 97, I had run out of places for a little while, and ended up crashing in a van behind a auto detailing shop. The guy who owned the shop seemed cool and offered to teach me how to detail cars, which I figured was ok. That was the wrong person to trust. I am not going to get into what happened but he is in jail for a very long time now.
    I bounced around New England for a while and finally on my 18th birthday stuck out my thumb and headed out to California. I wasn't exactly an idiot when it came to drugs, as I had done coke and weed, as well as smoked crack, but I didn't expect that within a week that I would be hooked on heroin and meth.
    I could go on and on about my struggles with it, but I would rather share what it did to me now. Doing meth completely blew out my thyroid. I have to take medicine for the rest of my life because of that shit. I have anxiety issues. And I have a chronic pain disorder, but because I was honest with the doctors about my prior addiction, they won't give me anything...I have to fight to get Tyelnol with Codine!
    Just something for you all to think about.
--Star


I was a meth user for 2 years
      Let me start out by saying I was the worst I was a iv drug user although I never shared needles I still suffer the reporcussions of the needle...
Hello my name is alisha I am a meth addict. NO I do not use anymore but once a addict always a addict. I am 35 years old, mother of 4, lived in a small town...was married to whom I thought to be the love of my life at the time...I started out smokin mabey a half a week then it become a teeni then 8s. I have been clean for 3 years now never attend rehab but only for 92 hrs never detoxed just one day I looked in the mirror and didnt recongnize my own reflection It crumbled my marriage took its toll on my kids and has ruined my heart. I suffer from pvcs now that get irractic and have caused me to loose conciousness. I had to move away from my home town just to clear my head met a very awsome man that guided me threw my withdrawls and now I have a job a education slowly I am gaining my respect from my children and family back and in all is the hardest part of this whole ordeal even my health problems now cannott compare to the hurt and disapointment I still see deep within their eyes. my name is alisha and I am a meth addict.
--Alsi


My Story
    I never thought that I would be thrown into a world of meth users. Not until I was out of the lifestyle, did I know I had been using. It has been almost three weeks without using and my life may be getting better, but all I keep thinking about is the problems physiologically that have affected me. I went completely cold turkey, and only yesterday went for help.
    Here is my story:
    I met this guy online. Was completely naive to the meth addict mentality. He appeared to be clean-cut, sweet, and intelligent. He also had a great sense of humor and all his friends love him. That was on the surface. Behind closed doors he was the most violent, controlling person I had ever come across. I am not someone who is sheltered. I have lived all over the world and met all different kinds of people. Never thought I would have been in this situation; and now, most of my friends blame me for having been with him. However, they never walked in my shoes, and who are they to judge?
    This guy I met on line. Let's call him David, was everything on the surface that I wanted in a partner. Sure, he was unemployed... But that the economy, right? Maybe I was using it as an excuse and didn't see him for who he truly was. I don't know. I do know from my perspective life was never the same once we decided to meet up at a local coffee house.
    We dated for about two weeks, and then I left the area. When I came back after a week of being gone. He had changed. Instead of calling me to go hang out and go to ball games or to the beach, it was let's go to this party and try to meet new people. Back then I just thought that his mentality of how he viewed me had changed and he wanted to be closer with me. Maybe in his warped mind he did; but, generally I think he was trying to get my name out to later pimp me out to clients.
    We smoked pot, and occasionally had a beer at a friend's house or at a bar, but nothing too major. The first time I tried coke was with him and his two friends. After going to his dealer (for pot) he showed me the weed and then the rock he scored. Honestly, it never really occurred to me that it was all that bad of a thing. After all, I thought coke wasn't that addictive. One night isn't that BIG of a deal, right? OMG, was I wrong!
    By this time I had not moved in with him. After this night it changed EVERYTHING! My mom and dad came looking for me after a night of us four staying up all night doing lines. David lost it when he met my mom for the first time. I had been gone from home for a week and I suppose my parents had a right to be worried, even though I was an adult. I felt like I couldn't go home because I was upset and embarrassed by my actions. It only made it worse when my parents called the cops on him. The cops came over and asked if I was all right, of course I said "yes". After all, he was standing basically right there and so was his friend. They searched his room, but found nothing. Ironically, everything was hidden in the kitchen. The cops didn't search there. David gave them permission to search his room only because he knew not to keep anything in there. I did not know he was a re-covering meth addict. I knew he was in A/A and never associated the use of the two drugs together.
    Long story short, months went by which felt like years. Basically wasn't allowed to speak to anyone that I was friends with or any of my family members. I felt so isolated. He controlled what I ate, what I wore, and if I spoke out of turn, I would suffer. We were smoking a lot of pot because he was dealing it and got it for really cheap. I had no idea where the money was coming from or where it was going. If I started to cry he would make fun of me. I started having weird skin problems, lost about 30 pounds, and my teeth were decaying fast. Had no idea why, because I was only smoking pot, in my mind. So, I went to the doctor to get an HIV test, which came back negative... and I still had questions. They said my vitamins were off, and I thought it was because he would only let me eat a little and I had no desire to eat anything because I was depressed from missing my friends and family, anyways. Turns out he was lacing the pot with meth. A friend of mine who warned me about David later told me after I left David that he was buying a lot of meth and selling me. He used to go to the same dealer, and I sincerely had no idea that David was doing this. In my mind, I knew he was violent and abusive... But didn't know that he was drugging me at night (I used to smoke pot at night to help me sleep because I had severe anxiety). He was selling me to his clients, without my knowledge. I only started to question because I am allergic to latex and was getting rashes associated with condom use.
    I still live in constant fear. David threatened if I ever told anyone my story, he would kill me and my family. It's only been three weeks and I am living in a different area, still going through withdrawals, but I am getting help. The one thing I dislike the most from people's re-actions to part of my story is that I was able to leave and I am an adult. True, I will hold responsibility for staying with him; but, I was also scared. He violated all my close relationships. I didn't want to go and stay at a shelter (he knew that). And, I became very co-dependent on him because I had no money. I was never in love with him. At one point I loved him, you know the point where you say to yourself, I want to help this person out. I asked him if he would get help for himself so that we could be happy together and he refused. The day I left I told him I was going to stop smoking pot. He lost it and because I decided to quit, I got out of it. I tried to help him. I wanted him to be happy with me. I wanted our relationship to change and grow. But, it was very unlikely because he would not change and quit. Sometimes I catch myself thinking of him, hoping he isn't doing this to someone else. After all, it has only been three weeks since I have been out of his life. We were together 24/7. I have a lot of growing to do as a person, but I would rather do that by myself than around someone who is going to destroy every cell of my being.
    Meth withdrawal is very difficult. I went cold turkey and my body still aches. My doctor told me it may take 6 months or longer to get over this feeling. I just started therapy and I know I need help. I almost ruined all my relationships and I can feel how people are disgusted with me. It hurts a lot. People warned me that he was bad for me. I didn't want to believe it because I kept going over the good times in my head that I had with him. It's going to take me awhile to ever trust someone to the point of wanting to live with them. He was selling my body at night to pay for his drug habit and keeping me drugged so that I would listen to him.
    Never judge a book by it's cover, and when it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
--DJ


   Devoted souls trotting in the gloomy darkness cold and numb. All they can do is find a cure....Drugs. Like my Daddy, he had a horrible childhood. To much pain to handle. Thats when drugs became his best friend. His family including me and my mom were thrown out of his life like a torn branch barely hanging on, a branch that would soon fall. My childhood became a bleak and faint memory only rolling on because of my moms love. I would never want anyone else to suffer these memories I did. I want to stop drugs forever. Drugs cause family destruction, menacing memories and jail. All I want to do is stop drugs in its path to destruction. So lost hope will soon be restored along with the others.
    Imagine walking in from school, all your siblings not smiling just staring mindlessly at the window. Your mom deep in thought. Nobody to greet you, then a tear drips down your face. You sit on the couch and silently watch the door and listen. For a....car maybe, holding your dad or the one you lost to drugs. No tap at the door comes. No thundering of an engine. Just the smell of rain and gloomy clouds streaking across the sky like a tidal wave of careless grief. This is family destruction and drugs curse.
    Now come the memories in full power. Flickering in your mind when you hear a word. A wick to a candle lighting your mind. In a firery agony remembering horrific scenes that play in your mind like a broken movie. You remember....the red eyes and the pale skin clammy and dull. You might cry and hold it in, trying to concentrate on the sunshine, but it turns to a blur. You close your eyes, the memories like a snake bite never slowing its venemous penetrating strike. Sinking into your skin slowly ebbing away your hope your faith. All disapearing in time like a crumbling mountain never knowing when the avalanch will fall.
    Soon all your past comes to a halt. They're in jail locked in forever, not able to feel a families warm hug, nothing. Trapped in a chamber forever, not knowing his children's favorite colors or their special laugh and smile. Just trapped in darkness till fate takes it toll and swallows them whole. The sorrow, pain the feelings a blazing fire, that someone is gone. Drugs have taken them not giving them a second chance. Leading to this....Jail and sometimes DEATH.
    Help stop all the broken lives, help mend the wounded. All we need to do is stop drugs in its tracks. So the gloomy cloud covering the sun will be lifted. Donate money to the drug rehabs so many will find the sun bright again...and have confidence in their achievements. Or start a campaign to show that we still care. Have speaches like D.A.R.E. so younger generations will learn to stand up to drugs. We have the power to save others from this fatal eclipse, all you have to do is put your mind to it, then you canaccomplish anything.
--Aletheia April 2010


TO LAURA:
Be there for him to do everything in your power to stop him from this lifestlye of addiction. It will take a lot of being "mommy" tward him to make him understand you are not happy and only will be happy with him is if he stops. Talk to him. Communication is the key... 
Determination is as well. I wish I could have made me ex quite but i couldn't (I was an addict through him), trust me I tried... I had to leave him. He is a wonderful man... Omg  so great!! I had to leave for my own good. In your case, he's an addict- your not, which means you have to try hard to be the one who listens, cares, and helps.... But if he doesn't want to understand(it will take some time) where your comming from on the other side, and doesnt want help himself, you'll know quick... And I'm sorry, but there's oh so much you can do to not live this depressing life forever with him. Be strong for him and make a PLAN. Have a plan of 1 2 3 4 5 of helping him. It might take more than a few times to try this plan you have bug TTY making it work, that's all you can do. Other than that.... Hunny you might be on your own. Good luck Laura.
--Michelle


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