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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents


   coming from a meth newbie, crystal is definitely the devil. i've been usin it for about 3 to 4 months, and my teeth have suffered immensely, i now use about a 20 dollar bag every day or two days. i can go 2 to 3 days without sleep, and only a little to eat. when i defecate, i have blood since the meth seems to eat up the stomach. as a former weed smoker, i used to hold weed in my lungs and stomach longer and i thought i had to do the same with meth to get a good high, but it seems to be very bad for your stomach (the meth smoke held in your stomach & lungs). the very worrysome part is i can go 3 to 4 days without changin g my clothes, shaving, or showering and it doesn't bother me at all. i've seen stuff on courtTv or TruTv where these dudes just go ahead and commit sex crimes cuz they're high on meth...and i've noticed here in san diego, calif., men like to watch porn after smoking meth from a stove burner or an oil burner. after having moved here in 8 months from NY (my california dream has become a nightmare) I am now in the process of being evicted...and live with other meth users, so i have to constantly watch over the little property i own and constantly be careful not to make them angry or suspicious).

   i've forgotten my role model when i was still addicted to pot and trying to recover from that drug. in fact, the only reason why i tried it, was cuz i couldn't find a place here in san diego wehre i could score some good, cheap pot other than homegrown, nasty-tasting leaves. now when i'm high on meth, i enjoy watching rape porn and feel like i'm turning into A monster, easily angry and when i'm angry, i'm much much more angrier than normal. other than heroin, which withdrawl sickness is something that has to be replaced by methadone for many years, THIS IS ONE OF THE GREATEST FEELING DRUG, VERY SIMILAR TO THE GOOSEBUMPS AND FEELINGS OF SOCIALNESS, ENERGY AND INCREASED SEX DRIVE I'D GET WHEN I WAS HIGH ON MDMA (ECSTASY)
  the very strange thing is that unlike pot smoking, it doesn't make me paranoid like weed, instead kind of mellow, but at the same time, it makes me feell very violent and belligerent and it makes me feel good to feel violent and feel good to be unclean and unkept which is very, very weird. stay away from this at alll costs.if u have any phone numbers of direct hookups or middlemen delete them from your cell phone now! thanks.
--Michael

E-mails are published monthly.  The purpose and intent is to discourage crystal meth & methamphetamine use.  If you, or someone you know, have been affected by crystal meth, please add your story so others may learn from your experience. We do not disclose personal information and edit out such when possible.  E-Mail letters to: kcimeth@yahoo.com

My story
    I met this guy,way back when we were both younger. Fast forward to years later,and we ended up hooking up for a month or two. He was a known meth smoker, and I never did that,but I had experience with lots of other drugs so I didn't judge,but didn't indulge either. He was pretty strung out,and for the most part meth free and I got to know him a little. I liked him a lot,at least I thought I liked the him I thought I was getting to know. He left the state though,and three years later he popped back into my life. This time,though,it was "for keeps" and he and I were planning a great future. Yeah,right! He wasn't on meth at first,having come from the back woods and without access. I live in a metro area. Soon,he got high again. Soon, I tried it too. I thought it was the answer to all of our problems. We were closer than ever, feeling better than ever. What a huge trap, what a giant lie! The high is no comparison to the misery this drug will cause. The paranoia, the anger, the total craziness that come with this drug is hell. We weren't able to talk, sex was out of the question,all we did was fight and argue. Of course, meanwhile I'm paying for everything because prince charming didn't come with a job, just 6 kids with 4 different women, 2 warrants, and a mean disposition when he was coming down, which was all the time. Four months after reuniting with someone I thought I loved, I'm left with an addiction, late bills, and hurt feelings. Him? Oh, he went back to the back woods, and is living happy go lucky while I try to untangle the hell my life is now. Meth is a trick, an illusion,that everything is okay,while meanwhile everything goes to a low that will surprise you with its quickness and depravity. I wish I knew then what I knew now, and if you're smart, you'll stay away from this junk so you'll never have to say the same.
--Sharrell


   Hi everybody. I found this forum after running out of options with my new wife. i knew she used before we got together. she says she smoked for 10 years heavily. i had no idea what kind of monster she had living in her. it overrides all. her own children, me, everything. cold. numb. she wants nothing but to get high and tweek all night for days on end. i know that i should have known better but i am naive.
   i want to go to sleep if not next to my wife then at least knowing that she is in the house. and the same when i wake up. not so. gone before i go to sleep gone when i awake. just me and the kids at home. wishing she was here.
   i look at her youngest son. he has abandonment issues and clings to her at all times only to be yelled at "get the f--- away from me!!!!" he cries. hes only two and she cant stand being around him. she leaves him crying his eyes out and he watches her leave. we all watch her leave. when i look at him i see myself down the road. hollow. loving someone that will never be able to love me back. always wanting her but never getting that time.
   she only has time for me at 4 or 5 in the morning. a time that im hard asleep. she encourages me to use. to smoke it. i dont do it. but she wants me to. knowing well what it does. but if she can get me to start then she will be sure to be in supply. she is willing to sacrifice me, her husband to this demon. she has already given her children.
   its a hard reality that i just cant accept but know to be true. this marriage will never work. she can never love or want me. she doesnt even love or want her own children. i love her so dearly. i want nothing but to hold her and let her know she is loved. take care of her. but i am only a convenience to support her habit.
   im told that im handsome but i never hear it from her. she rejects me constantly. her husband. my self image is at an all time low. she only says sweet things when she wants something. manipulation. but it seems so real to me.
   i want out of this one-sided relationship. i cant get out of this because i love her so much. but its not real. she doesnt really love me. she just needs me. i think about her poor kids. what will happen to them without me. i work, have a house and cars. i make a living. something they never had.
   dont be me. run. run and dont look back. its not too late for you my friend.
--Patrick


   This seems to me to be a very positive element in a very negative existence. I hope there are people that are just getting into using that read this – one person even – that believe the words that I and others type. I can only say do not run screaming from meth, look, wonder and take your situation analytically, fix your life. If you do not understand the dynamics of this drug you may turn away now, build a life and return to it later. Such a downward spiral will be so much more expensive. You have to understand why you are leaving meth behind. It will destroy your life, period. Trust me, all of us were at one time ‘smarter than the typical junkie.’ All of us.
--Colby


   My name is Josh, and I am a recovering addict, I have used all types of drugs in my life, but I have to say that METH is the one that changed it! I have used cocaine, pills, weed, etc. But my meth habit was the worst! When I went into a treatment center, I was using about 12 grams of "ice" a week! I lost my job due to my wild behavior, I lost my best friend during recovery my dog Major! Before meth, I loved to be in the outdoors, I loved to Duck Hunt here in Arkansas, and Major was my duck dog, so you can imagine the bond we had! I suffered so much thru the first three weeks of recovery, but it turned out to be the biggest lesson ill ever learn! I am 26 years old, I was a salesman for a large company making great pay. I have my own home, nice truck, atvs etc. But I wasnt happy with myself, I always felt like something was missing from my life, I had low self esteem, I was angry, I didnt stay in relationships very long, and over the years, I tried meth several times, but my last adventure was the worst! I started selling meth to my friends, got behind on my bills, wrecked vehicles, and most importantly, I hurt everyone I loved! It started as a "weekend warrior" thing, but it became a very expensive habit! I was spending almost a thousand dollars a week on my meth habit, as well as selling it to others! I never had a run in with the law, because I have parents who are very involved with my life, and they could tell something was up! One night, I caught my girlfriend (at the time) stealing an "eightball" from me. I went crazy on her, cursing, screaming, and threatening her, and then I threw her out of my house! My parents came the next day, and asked me to take a drug test (which I failed) so the next stop was REHAB! The first few times in outpatient, I hated it, "I wasnt addicted" or so I thought. Well I was wrong!!! After three days, I became extremely violent, angry, and out of control! I actually became so violent, that I scared myself. That was just the begining, about day 8 my dog became lathargic, lazy, and wouldnt eat, so i took him to the vet for a check up. I found out my dog was dying of kidney failure (thru no fault of mine) but he died the next day! This created a state of extreme depression and anxiety for me. Then my boss learned of my extreme drug  use when he found a small bag of ice in one of my desk drawers along with a mirror, straw, and blade. I was fired instantly with no chances for rehire to that company! I went from making about $1k a week to drawing $400 on unemployment, not to mention I stopped selling ice, which I was only making an extra 300 or so per week. As time went on, I began to like going to rehab, my counselors are recovered drug and alcohol users. and it was just nice to get out of the house, and be around people who didnt judge you. I really began doing well in rehab, I read and understood the handouts, completed all my assignments, and most importantly "I found the love of God" I began reading the bible, going to church again, and people began to want to be around me again! I met the love of my life while I was in rehab (she wasnt in treatment) I had went out one night and we ran into each other at a place in Hot Springs and we are planning our wedding for the second week in may 2010 she is my ANTI-DRUG, and i couldn't have done it without her! I still continue to have bad days, and withdrawl symptoms, but am also happy to report that I am clean and soberfor over 80 days thats the longest period of sobriety Ive had since I was 17 years old! My message is simple to those of you who use meth "GET HELP NOW!" tomorrow may be too late, you could easily be arrested, injured, or even die! Think of your families and friends that love you. Think of the love that god has for you! I am not trying to sound more holy than thou, but i am reaching out to all the people who want to get better.You arent damaged goods, you are just sick (kinda like having the flu) you just need someone to give you the right medicine. Rehab is a wonderful place for everyone! You wont be judged in there, but they will teach you how to live a sober, clean, and more enjoyable life. I hurt so many people due to my own addiction, dont let the same happen to you. I cant tell you how thankful I am for the wonderful people at Family and Recovery Centers of Arkansas. They showed me how to live again. Its not a joke guys, think about it! I bet most of yall werent using near the amount of meth that I was, and I will be willing to bet that everyone is as strong as I am. Go talk to a counselor, and get started on the right path. The path that meth will take you down is a lonely, heart breaking, and DEAD END road. I hope this letter helps atleast one person. Thank you, and God Bless
--Josh


Live after Meth
   My name is Amanda I am 29, I have been off meth for 6 years now. My addiction start when I was 21 just as kinda a weekend party thing for me and my room mate at the time. Meth was huge in our small town everyone was doing at some point so we tried.And didn't stop!!!!! Before I knew I had quit my job and become one of the biggest meth dealers in town.I would go weeks without sleep and very little food. I thought I was something special back then.As time went on my room mate and I couldn't get along anymore because I always thought she was tring to rob me tell on me something. So then I was out their on my own. Hanging out in places that where dangerous doing stupid shit and most of all more drugs. I would use around half oz a day sometimes.My life was going out of controll.I started losing cars, trucks, friends, and most of all the trust of my parents. And one weekend I take off on a trip that I thought I going to be a few days away getting really fucked up. But something happened to me I didn't want to get messed up I wanted to sleep. And sleep I did for along time.When I woke up my friend had left me there with this man and 2 kids I had no idea where I was. So he offered me meth a few times and I told him I was done I didn't want to do it anymore. To my suprise he didn't laugh and kick me out of his house he left if alone and allowed me to stay there for a few weeks to get it out of system.He took he home (to my parent) when I was ready and I have never seen or heard from him again.He hepled me and he was a user himself. Without him and the love of my family I don't know if I could of made it. I think about that time in my life a lot and wonder why did this man help? What did he have to gain? I guess I will never know I am just greatful that he was in my life even for a short time. Now my life is pretty normal I've been clean for 6 years and I have a 4 year old son.I have a good job and good clean friends. I don't allow anyone into my that is not drug free. It's not worth it.I guess what I'm tring to tell people is that there is hope and you can have a great life all you have to do is clear your mind and start over.Believe me it's worth it I wouldn't change anything in my life in the past 6 years.....
--Amanda


   Hello my name is Nicole I am a 29yr old female who is addicted to meth. I have been for 7yrs now. I have been threw so much since I first tried this horrible drug. At first it was all fun and games using meth but about year in a half into using my whole world started falling apart crumbling down around me and still is. At this present time in my life I have lost everything and everyone that has ever meant anything to me or ever loved, or who has ever loved me. I have isolated myself completely to where I dont ever go anywhere unless its to go get supplies for meth or going to pick some up from my dealer. My whole world evolves around making and using meth. No I dont sell it but I do make it for personal use, I am to afraid to sell it for 2 reasons 1. I am to greedy and addicted to it to actually sell it that means less for me .2. I am afraid that i would get caught by the police . I have lost 2 children cause of my addiction social services have taken both from me right after i gave birth to each of them at the hospital i never got to hold them or see them after the deliveries cause when they both were born they tested positive for meth and so did i . I am truely ashamed of what I did using during both pregnancies that I stay in a 24/7 depression state and refuse to even look in the mirror anymore at my self cause when i do all I want to do is beat the holy hell of the person I see looking back at me . that person in my eyes doesnt deserve to live and should never be forgiven for what she has done . I hate myself more than anyone ever could hate another human being. That is why one of the reasons I keep doing meth I am trying to kill myself in a slow painful and suffering way so i can feel the pain i have caused to my children and to the ones who use to love me and had no choice but turn their backs on me. I would share a little bit of my story with you but I would like to make sure its ok to talk about thank you for listening.
-- Nicole, IL


My Story
   My name is Laura. I am 21. The first time I tried meth was when i was 12 years old,I was only in the seventh grade. From that day foward my life became a downward sprial. I lived in a small town in southern california where everyone knew everyone and a mojority of the people I knew used meth to some extent. It jst seemed like I could never get away from it. When I first started using it was maybe once a week. By the time i was 14 i was using every day all day. I dropped out of school when i was 15. I ran away from home and was eventually not welcomed back into my father's home. I lived from house to house, in cars and even in a park. I had no goals, no future and no hope for myself. All I could think about was where i would get my next sack. When my 17th birthday rolled around i was still using but by then most of my friends had got there lives together and i was left behind. I was using with old men who got me high and took advantage of me. Finally by my 18th birthday i was tired of the lifestyle and wanted so desperately to have my family and friends back. I called my father balling my eyes out and begged for him to let me come home. He let me back home and I slowly began to rebuild my life. In June of 2007 I met my future husband, he changed my life for the best. We now have a beautiful daughter together and I live for them everyday instead of meth. I love my life and am so grateful that i have been given this second chance at life. I pray everyday for the users who are still suffering and struggling with this horrible addiction. If you have a family member, friend, or loved one who is still using PLEASE, PLEASE don't give up on them, there is HOPE and they CAN change there lives for the better.
--Laura


My Story
   I have read some of these stories, and I'm not the type of person to put mine or someones business on "blast", but it helps to hear the truth and I want to share my story with you.
   I had met my husband 8 yrs ago. He was fun, smart and very good looking. After some time of being together, we found out we were going to have a baby! Things were great . . We had a little girl who he just adored "proud daddy". When our daughter was about 6 months old, I've notice a change in him. He started hanging out with old friends, coming home late & his attitude had changed. He started staying out longer. He'd stay out all night, 2 nights, even 3 nights before he would finally come home. Well, we found out we were pregnant again. I was working 10-12 hr shifts trying to make ends meet. He had lost his job and started stealing $20 here and there out of my purse. He would wait until I fell asleep and would take off. I felt alone. After our youngest daughter was born, he wouldn't come to visit our new baby girl who ended up in NICU. She had to stay a few days after I was released. When she was finally able to come home, he would yell at her and say hateful things to both our youngest daughter & I (our oldest daughter who had just turned 1 yr was his princess).
    He started staying out even longer, taking off with our only vehicle and leaving me "stuck" at home with two babies, making me miss work. I soon became unreliable at work and was forced to find another job. Then rent and bills fell behind, needless to say, we got evicted. Thank god I found another job which paid more money! Unfortunately he got picked up & ended up in jail. I got fired from my job because he wasn't there to help with our kids.
    Once he got out, things were going great! I thought this is a new beginning for us . . . I had a great job, we just moved again, things were going to be great! Well, not exactly. I couldn't afford to support his habits, giving him $20-$40 twice a week. So he started stealing things. He had stolen & pawned things that didn't belong to him to go get ANOTHER fix! He soon became more violent, hitting walls and putting holes in doors and in the walls, screaming at me and our kids. He would yell all kinds of hateful & hurtful words. He would yell at our kids a lot, saying "f" this "f" that, "f**king dumb kids"! Obviously that would cause another fight. How can you yell those hateful things at the people who love you the most?
   He started to stay out again and it would be 5-6 days now. He was barely eating & sleeping. He'd come back home wearing the same thing he left in, with little holes in them, from staying in them for so long. He looked so different! It was like looking at a stranger!
    Now that he was home, I was relieved to know that he's safe and the kids are happy because "daddy's home"! Well now he's "coming down" (i'm not sure what is worse, him taking off, or him coming down). When he's coming down, he'd sleep for 3 days. You had to stay quiet in the house because he would be so angry if you woke him up. He was very belligerent at this point...I have never been so scared in all my life!
    I had heard from his "friends" that he was fooling around and I believed it (why wouldn't it?). I confronted him about it, like any normal person. He got mad at me for confronting him & he beat me in front of our precious little girls! And they were crying & trying so hard to pull him off of me. They were crying & screaming for him to stop hurting mommy! I will never forget the hurt in their eyes and how scared they were. They tried to run across the street to their grandmas house, but he pulled them both by their hair to make them stay. He took off again and when he came home, he looked me straight in my eyes & told me, that he needed help & he is addicted to meth. He said to me "I love it, I love how it makes me feel". I told him we could get help. Our girls and I love him so much that I couldn't just "not" help him.

   He ended up going back to jail for 4 months and he had to be sober. He had no choice. He would write letters saying how sorry he was, & he wants us to be a happy family. That he loves us so much and he will get a job and be responsible. Well, when he got out, things were great! He was looking for a job, helping at home and being so loving to all of us that I was happy! For the first time in a long time I was happy. But that didn't last long, a month later he started back to his habits again. Forgetting to get his kids from school, forgetting to get me from work. My heart has been broken so many times from the man I love because he is so addicted to this drug, METH! There are no words to describe how bad it hurts to see the one person who you "want" to spend the rest of your life with, you love and care about, has "lost" everything to this addictive drug! Its a nightmare not knowing what tomorrow will bring with the constant mood swings. I don't want to see another person lose everything they have worked so hard for, just to get a "good high". Please, please get away from this drug, it ruins lives! Your's and the people who love and care about you. Please get help, the first step is admitting you have an addiction. - I love you so much, please quit for yourself and for your little girls. . . . I have ALWAYS been here for you!
♥ Your wifey & kids ♥


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