and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents
| I am writing my story to help anyone using or recovering from meth. I was introduced to meth when I was 17. I was running away from home when a 40 year old man picked me up off the streets and asked me if I liked to party. He offered it to me and I didn't hesitate. I knew from that first line, and first hit that I was in love. I stayed with that man for about a week and went from a size 12 to a size 5. I saw the serenity prayer hanging in his hall way and felt over come with guilt. So I went home. I was clean for about two months. My best friend was doing it with someone at work and getting ripped off. This triggered me, and I chose to pick up the dug again. I was high almost everyday for like 2 or 3 months. I thought I had it together at that point because I was functioning. The only person who knew I got spun was my best friend at the time and my drug dealer. But I have to tell you that thinking you have it together when your tweeking is a delusion. My boyfriend found two dugs in my purse and told me he would call the cops and tell my family if I didn't quit. So I quit. It was pretty simple for me at that time in my life. I was clean for 3 years. In that period of time I had a baby girl. When she was six months old I had a bunch of drama come into my life, and leave.. quickly (boys). I started being ok with smoking weed and drinking, which is not cool for me since Im a mother and an addict. My friend who was also a mother was tweeking. I saw that dug and all of my morals everything that I accomplished went out the window! Let me tell you this time I did not feel in control, that drug controlled me. Everything that I said I would never do I did. I am a mother so its hard to talk about how I left my baby at home with her Grandma so I could get high. And everytime I would get close to my house I would normally turn around and go to some where else to try and get high. I was running a muck. I stopped making since to everybody, including my "friends" that I was getting high with. I got cut off by like nine different people and still couldn't get the point. I couldn't understand the concept of not being high forever. I went to a hospital to detox and an outpatient care. I was sober for three weeks and relapsed for 24 hours. I went back to my meetings and outpatient center and was sober again for three weeks and relapsed for about 5 days. Both of those times were probably the saddest because I left my daughter with no explanation. Both of those times that I relapsed I was hearing people whispering outside of my bedroom. I thought that someone had followed me home and was stalking me. Well, obviously I was wrong I was hearing voices. And I didn't understand that this wasn't real for a long time. I went to rehab for 30 days and that is what saved me. I needed those 30 days.
I have to tell you that meth destroys your brain. I know most people know that, but if I knew that I was risking my sanity, that I could become schizophrenic I think I would of quit sooner. I have been clean for about 8 months and I have nightmares every single night. I've had hallucinations and still hear voices. It is not as bad as it used to be, but its a hell of a thing to live with. Maybe I'll be healed some day, or maybe I won't. But I feel that within the meth community when your using that its just not talked about. I didn't have anyone warn me about this and I wish someone had.
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I am in a really tough spot here, and could use all the advice I can get. The main issue with my husband of 3 years is his drug use (meth and occasionally pot), which I believed was virtually non-existent when we got together. I am so anti-drugs, and cannot believe that I have tolerated things for so long - the "out all niters", the "up all niters", the sleeping all day as he "comes down". It's hard though, you know? He is a good person with a good heart, kind to us, but he also causes a lot of heartache. Once his son found a crack pipe on our bathroom counter. I think he didn't even realize he'd left it there, since he's told me he doesn't have anything at the house. He has said repeatedly that he has a "40 yr plan", meaning - I assume - that he plans to stop this behavior when he turns 40. I don't see it happening. This past summer, I went to my lawyer to file for divorce. He made a list of things he would do to work on our relationship, including attending NA meetings, spending time in the house instead of always sitting in front of his laptop in the garage for hours on end, and a plethora of other things. So I said I would hold off on filing for divorce.
It's been more than six-months since my visit to the lawyer, and not one thing on his "to-do" list has been carried out. I see nothing that makes me think he will change. I'm not even sure he can. While I hate to think what would become of him if I divorced him, it's no good for anyone the way things are now, the way they have been for so long. Things have just gone too far. I keep trying to honor the whole "for better for worse" thing, but there are limits to what I can withstand, even when I rely on my faith to take me through some of the hardest days. He wants to know WHY he should stop doing drugs.
We don't sleep together - he is on the couch most nights when he actually does sleep. We don't go out to eat together. We don't go anywhere together, because anytime we do, it ends in disaster. I cannot trust him anymore - haven't been able to for a long time. He will not say anything about where he's been, who he's been with, won't ever divulge names of any of his friends, etc. I do not enjoy his company. We do not have the same sense of humor, no common interests...I honestly don't even know what it was that brought us together in the beginning. I do believe that everything happens for a reason - that God has a plan for me which I just can't see right now - although admittedly, sometimes I find myself in the midst of a whole lot of confusion about things. So the question is, now what???
I Hope This Helps Someone as Everyone Else's Have Helped Me
First off, let me express my appreciation for such a comprehensive site, devoted to the lives who have been destroyed by methamphetamine. Reading your letters and background information, regarding meth, has helped me to understand my ex-boyfriend, the love of my life, and remain clean.
In Fall 2002 I met T. dj-ing (he was working at Fed-Ex fulltime) at my favorite dance club. The night I met him, I did not realize he was high on meth or a heavy meth user. Unlike other guys (who mainly just want to hook up for sex that night), his personality was so energetic, excited, and he summed up his past two divorces, job status, and future goals (although somewhat unrealistic) in one conversation. I was drawn to his good looks and charisma immediately. During this time I was finishing a Bachelor's in Nursing, and he had said, "You're going to make a lot of money." I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT TWO YEARS INTO OUR ROLLER COASTER RELATIONSHIP, I REALIZED HE HAS NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. Being a nurse, I had started piecing his behavior together, researched NPD, and to this day am deeply convinced he exhibits classic, textbook behavior. I believe a personality disorder preludes addiction, as the latter is self medicating. Although after reading many of your letters, behavior of a meth addict mirrors NPD in many ways.
On our second date, he introduced me to GHB which fueled an erotic, psychedelic night of sex. I was captivated by his skilled art of lovemaking, the laser lights and smoke machine, the love for the techno/trance/dance music we shared, and the feelings of depersonalization. Although I never skipped classes and maintained a 4.0, I found opportunities to cut class and meet at his house for sex (which is very unlike me b/c I've never had a big sex drive). Two months into the relationship and a few more experiences with GHB, I literally felt like a moth drawn to the flame. Being preoccupied with school, I did not want to spend much time on him initially, but he literally chased me with several emails daily, calling me at exactly 6:30 p.m. everyday (which I later learned is a control mechanism), etc. When I told him he was "suffocating me", he answered by giving me the "cold shoulder", a manipulation technique he would use often during our turbulent five-year love affair. After a few days, I would feel so guilty and call him, apologizing. Five months into our relationship, my 32nd birthday, we took ecstasy, and celebrated at our dance club. I must admit, I had experimented with cocaine and ecstasy a handful of times since I was 25 y/o. That night, we saw a friend of mine and T. started yelling at me, accusing me that this friend was going to report him to Fed-Ex for drug use. He was still yelling at me when we returned to my car. That night we had sex, but during the wee morning hours I was writing a letter telling him "Good Bye." Intuitively, I knew he was very wrong (I had witnessed an earlier, angry outburst b/c a certain restaurant was closed), but he BEGGED me not to leave him, blaming everything on the ecstasy.
Spring Break came, and he introduced me to "Crystal," saying that it wasn't very different from the ma-huang and ephedrine I was already taking occasionally. Already our relationship had been nothing but "idyllic," and the feelings of euphoria magnified by meth made me fall literally "head over heels" in love that week! I believe the "verbal diarrhea" that meth promotes (besides the opportunity for multiple, multiple orgasms lasting only as long as one is adequately stimulated) is addictive in itself!!! He is a master at the art of conversation, and we talked endlessly every night. He prompted me about growing up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic family, and I opened up, revealing truths I had had hidden from myself. I know he knew I had fallen deeply for him (next day he looked at himself in the mirror, calling himself "a stud" repeatedly!). From that week on, our relationship started losing its "idyllic" glow, and I found myself feeling as if I had to compete for his attention.
He broke up with me shortly after I graduated (six months after meeting him) b/c I was not making preparations to move forward and live with him. As he explained he was breaking up with me, he was showering, getting ready to visit another female! The three months we were "broken up" were sheer agony!!! Halloween night he invited me to his house again, we had sex, and we started seeing each other again. At this time also, he (at age 42) decided "life was too short," and that he did not want to sit behind a computer at work anymore. He resigned from Fed-Ex in exchange for dj-ing three days/week. That Fall/Winter was punctuated by almost weekly-biweekly use of meth together, as it cemented my love/devotion for him. I knew I couldn't live without him at this point, and the thought of not having him in my life put me in hysteria. I looked forward to the nights we would do meth, but I never did more than two bumps/night b/c I had to "get clean for my fulltime job." I never tweaked, as I would come down that morning. Initially (until I learned to semi-psych myself out of it, by intellectualizing negative/sad thoughts), the come-down was THE MOST HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE EVER b/c one is SO, SO, SO SAD, etc!!! I was aware that T. used meth years prior, but I thought he only "partied" occasionally, when he dj'ed.
By 2005, I realized he used meth basicly whenever he dj'ed and could obtain it. That year, he only gave me meth "a handful of times," and I caught him with another girl on a night he thought I was working. I also found he had a personals ad, and was on asite exclusively hooking up for sex (todate he continues to deny his infidelity, lying, etc, continually telling me "I'm crazy," etc.) When he was using, he was heavily engrossed watching porn on the computer, DVD's, web-cams, etc. (staying up for 3-4+ days at a time!). He was OBSESSED with building a "sex room", filled with a swing, sex machines, etc. Several times he had attempted to persuade me into "swinging." Nevertheless, I continued my relationship with him, living in denial, because I didn't want to live without him. He manipulated me, emotionally and mentally abused me, exploited me whenever and for whatever, lied (I started opening my eyes after awhile), etc. during our relationship. Yes, he hurt me many times and looking back, I had become an emotionally weak girl, often sad, feeling "second best", other times mad/upset the way he "used" me, other times feeling "the happiest in my life" b/c he could be so, so seductive, sincere, caring, and sweet.
I thought the use of methamphetamine was finished in 2006 b/c one couldn't buy pseudoepinephrine OTC anymore (atleast T. told me that). I know somehow he had lost his meth supplier/supply, as he turned to using cocaine every week. Later I realized if he had meth, he wouldn't share it with me. Our relationship "cooled down", as I was attempting to wean my feelings for him (knowing I had to in order to survive). He started moving away from me emotionally first, then physically (not answering the phone, no calls, coming over later and later, etc. The sex became much less frequent and ONLY accompanied with porn movies!) as he felt I would never move in with him, marry him. In 2007, he started using crack cocaine. He was fired, after yelling at the managers and walking off the job. I loaned him nearly $2000 to get his truck back, he expressed his anger, having to repay me. I caught him cheating several more times. By Jan 2008, I felt nothing but numbness toward him. He continued to use crack cocaine (only at his house), but coming to my house high and leaving again in the early morning hours, very restless (he did this often while on meth as well) When I told him I was breaking up with him, over the phone, I felt like the words were coming out of someone else.
He held another dj job later that year for three months, and since then he has been unemployed, living off his 401K. Breaking up with him was the most difficult task I've ever had to do. I loved this man moreso than any other man I have ever loved in my life! I know the meth prompted feelings of euphoria and release of dopamine that served to bond my feelings so closely to him. When I was using meth with him, I often felt that if he died at that moment, I would want to die with him. Initially, I held many feelings of anger which I expressed in incessant v-mails, emails. Yet, I loved him, and wanted him to come forward and work it out with me again. Several times he came over the last two years, only seeking pain medication, etc. Now off and on, since October, he has attempted to talk me (ONLY via text!) into buying boxes of Sudaphed for him, offering to repay me, pay me double, etc. I miss him greatly (although it is the first few years together I really want back), but I'm losing my feelings of love for him, especially after learning he is finally in another relationship. I will NOT buy the Sudaphed for him b/c I know he is using meth again, and doing the special things, the great sex, etc. with "her" that we shared at one time. It is a comfort to me reading your letters about relationships, knowing their "idyllic world" will be a downward spiral or bumpy rollercoaster ride at best. I tell myself she only has him b/c she is paying for him. I read in a letter "you love the addict, but the addict needs you."
Life in a Tail-Spin
The short of it is that it's been two years of hell. I discovered my partner was using and my life has never been the same. 4 moves in 2 years, lost jobs, lost family relationships, a stranger living in my home. I have begun NA-ANON in the hopes that this will be my salvation. I'm believe that I'm through being the rescuer. This is his path to take and his choices to make and nothing I do or have done will change him, of this I'm sure. In fact, this is the only thing in my life for which I'm sure. I know not what the future holds for us or whether we even have a future together. I have slowly begun to try and recapture some sanity for myself. I'm at this moment re-writing my resume in preparation for job searching ( I have never been on this site, but during a break in resume writing, stumbled on it ), I have begun working out this week and in short, preparing myself for a life without him after 22 years together. Having said all this, it is still the last thing I think of when I go to bed and the first thing I think of when I awake. Sad.
Daughter on Meth
My heart is breaking as the mom of a beautiful 34 y/o who has blue eyes, blond hair, and the cutest dimples when she smiles!! She is the mother of 3 boys and 1 girl. The boys are 16 from a teen pregnancy, a 12 y/o from her first marriage, and the 9 y/o son and 7 y/o daughter from this marriage that will be over due to her recurring use of pot, meth and alcohol abuse!! Prescription drugs she will take also if she can get her hands on them either by buying, giving sexual favors, or by stealing them!!! She has stolen from us breaking into our house thru a window looking for something that was not even real but from her meth paranoia!!! She has stolen my pain and sleeping meds that i have for a chronic pain condition and even survived an overdose of the ambient after ingesting 54mg. which is definitely an overdose!! She has been homeless and has lived in half-way houses and sober living houses where she was still able to use!! She has mouthed off at me and can start a verbal fight that can turn into physical. We have had her arrested before and my heart broke as they took her away in handcuffs....she took over $6000.00 a couple of yrs ago that was to be her kids college fund and went to Atlanta, GA. where she was for 2 wks and did not know a soul there!! She ended up in Fla. where this couple got her to return to where we all live. Her husband loved her and so did not serve her with the divorce papers he had drawn up but now.....well, he sees now that life will never be the same. She has stayed locked in the bathroom with her two younger kids knocking at the door while she smoked pot...and possibly pot. Her younger son has found her baggie of pot and a baggie with prescription drugs in it. Thank God he was smart enough to give it to his dad to destroy. Child protective services has been called more than once to make sure the kids were safe. She has been up for days not eating and only boozing it and getting high....her kids were sent out to play and she did not care where they were. she has threatened to kill her husband by stabbing him and her younger kids heard this!! Their new home that was built just for them caught on fire and she lay passed out on the bed not hearing the smoke alarms go off and the kids tried to wake her and she did awaken with them getting out safely. She has lost friends who no longer want to be around her and she only has these "friends" who she meets in bars or wherever who she does the drugs with or sleeping with guys who she does not know. Her beauty is fading just as her life is.....and, I her mother who loves her sooo much and has done all she can to get her to get the treatment she needs and to go to meetings to stay sober and who has cried tears until pillow was soaked....I hate what she is doing!!! My prayer at nite is sometimes that she does end up in a body bag so that the demon that has her by it;s ugly grip will also die!!! We want peace for her and peace for us....for those kids who we know she loves but cannot take care of because she cannot take care of herself!! Yes....go on out and take that first hit or whatever you call it and see how beautiful your life will be!!! She has already had to have 4 teeth pulled due to damage done by the meth. Thank God they have been back teeth and not ones in front!! But....i see for her only the path of destruction!!! She will have the ugly breakouts on her face soon, she will no longer have cute dimples but only a drawn in look with sunken cheeks and hollow-looking eyes. Her beauty will no longer get her sex to get the drugs...it will only get her death!!! Death, Death!! That is her future!! and, then i will slowly die from my heart broken even more!!!
Don;t get started!! Don;t do it....you are only going to be ugly as ugly as the drug is!!! Don;t break the hearts of someone who loves you for everyone has someone who loves them!!! It has to be a mother, a father, a husband or wife, a son or a daughter or even grandparents or the neighbor down the block!! Someone who you don;t even know loves you but not the meth or any other drug be it legal or not......I love my daughter...but, I cannot love her choice in life!!
Cry, cry...my heart is crying out for her....and for you!!! God knows how i feel and i know he is crying also with me but yet......yes, i do question why many nites as i try and sleep wondering what she is doing and what with who.......
--a mom whose heart is breaking and my name is ruth
Don't Meth with me Anymore (Warning - long and full of cussing)
Today I pulled my head out of my arse and stopped pretending that my relationship with M is normal. It’s not. It’s far from normal because he is a meth addict and I am fast becoming one – if I’m not already. If I don’t stop doing what I am doing, I am going to find nothing but misery – pure unadulterated misery. I went through all of this shiz and more in Sydney already. Why the f*#% is history repeating??? Because I am a gullible f*#% who can’t judge anyone’s character.
I already feel as if I am a walking zombie with no interest in life, with no desire to do anything. And, on top of that, in the last 3 days it feels like I have given up on even trying to convince M that using all the time is really affecting our relationship – there is no point because he just sees me as the person who is against him, the person who is trying to control him.
I know now that he won’t listen, he doesn’t want to listen and he doesn’t want to face the reality that I can see. I have spent the last 12 hours or more on the internet reading everything I can find on meth and it has pretty much shattered any illusion I had of having a normal relationship with M, even having a lasting, loving relationship with him is wishing and hoping for too much. I can forget about him ever asking me to marry him, forget about possibly ever owning a house with him, forget about hoping that he will see me as someone that isn’t his enemy, isn’t judging him. I can even forget about asking him to please consider my feelings when he makes decisions relating to his meth use because the drug has already tricked him into believing that he really doesn’t need anyone or anything – if I even believed that giving him an ultimatum would work (it won’t) he would not think twice about choosing the drug over me. Why? Because he already has.
And there is absolutely no point in even discussing this with him – he would just tell me that most of the anti-meth info on the web is propaganda, fear-mongering bullshiz. Yeah, all those real people telling their stories must be wrong. Whatever helps you sleep at night, M…..oh…..wait….that’s right! YOU DON’T SLEEP!!!
Yeah, so any illusions I had about even a reasonably happy ever after story, being in a healthy and happy relationship, having much hope for a future together has well and truly been beaten down to nothing. I can’t remember the last time I felt this much emotional pain. It f*#%ing hurts to read that most if not all heavy meth users won’t think twice about lying, cheating, doing pretty much anything, telling you what you want to hear then manipulating the situation to suit their need for the drug if you try to keep them from it. I was reading all this shiz about what other meth users did to their girlfriends, wives, husbands, kids, families, and friends etc and it was like it was written by me – describing M. I wanted to stop reading so f*#%ing bad, I wanted to put my head in the sand again AND PRETEND IT WASN’T TRUE – this must be some sick joke – this isn’t happening to me and my M….ignorance is bliss…but it’s gone too far for that now.
The turning point for me was Wednesday night - when he told me about his decision to let his dealer use our business premise for the purpose of cooking (but only after hours of course!) That’s when I realised how deeply f*#%ed up on meth he is, how dependant he is on it and the lengths he will go to ensure a continued and heavily subsidised supply. His reasoning for making this decision without first factoring in his ‘apparent’ business partner – me? We ‘apparently need the extra cash because business is a bit slow’.
I saw right through that straight away. His habit is getting way too expensive and in order to continue using the copious amounts he already consumes, he is offering our business premises as a cook-house – so he can get his meth for free. He tried to convince me that we will be PAID by his dealer for the ‘privilege’ of cooking on our premises. I thought he was joking. I thought he was f*#%ing joking! My reaction was so fierce. I told him he was not serious. He was, deadly. I cried, begged, yelled, told him “NO” went through every logical thought process as to why this was a f*#%ing bad, bad, bad decision. Nothing moved him. Within twenty minutes of dumping that on me, he walked out the door – he stayed out all night – overseeing the cook-up – and came home late the next morning only f*#% off out the door again because it was all my fault for laying my anger and negativity on him.
That is when I saw first hand what he will do, what he is willing to risk, and who he is willing to compromise to ensure he can still use. I couldn’t make myself go to work that day. It felt as though our whole business was tainted, dirty, used. That was when everything changed because I could no longer bury my head in the sand.
He used to be able to talk about anything. Now, all I hear is endless talk on the A-Z of contraband. Almost every conversation revolves around drugs, how to get it, when it’s available, how to cook it, smoke it, what to use to smoke it, grow it, sell it, who knows who, how this person is a hard-man, old-school, blah, blah, blah. I REALLY DO NOT GIVE A FLYING f*#%!!!!!
Why be so f*#%ing impressed with all of that shiz. If I hear him talk about how he grew a f*#%ing crop and dealt weed one more time, I think I may just invest in a f*#%ing gun to shoot myself clean between the ears. I am so f*#%ing over drug talk, speed, Tina, creeper, meth, crystal, ice, getting wasted, being numbed, bombed, off-chops, what the f*#% ever! Oh and all the drug movies are now coming out too, lets kick back and relax and watch some “Blow”. So don’t even get me started on the new buddy C - the friendly neighbourhood dealer. He’s gone from a f*#%ing parasite scum-bag time-wasting, strung out drug f*#%ed cunt to the new bank roll. And don’t feed me that crap about making some more money….the biggest concern was all the money being spent on the shiz, and now he’s got it nicely set up so he can get his gear for free – I bet not one f*#%ing brass razoo passes hands, it’ll be payment in powder form. Show me the bank balance at the end of the ‘temporary’ warehouse-for-meth-lab deal and I’ll show you sweet f*#% all.
The more he will get, the more he will use – his intake has already reached mammoth proportions and I am only kidding myself if I take the naïve view that he will give it all up for me because he loves me more. Its not the fact that he won’t give it up it is the fact that he can’t that has me so f*#%ing shattered, the fact that to him, meth and the experience of taking it, and the dependency he has on it, is bigger than anything else. Including me. I don’t have as much to offer, I can’t make him feel like meth does, I can’t satisfy any need in him because he’s been on this shiz for way too long. He is only motivated to go out to score, or to meet his new best friend and our business for the cook-up. We don’t do anything, go anywhere, see anyone. We exist. This isn’t living. It feels more like waking up dead every day.
It’s like he’s never really belonged to me, never really gave all of himself to our relationship because the gear got him first. It feels like the M I fell in love with is there somewhere but he’s not accessible anymore. I feel so f*#%ing cheated, and so f*#%ing hurt and so f*#%ing hopeless.
I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t go to anyone for help. I can’t even talk to him about how I am feeling. I am completely and utterly alone in this and I am too ashamed to even admit it openly. To top off the humiliation I have also been warned to keep my mouth shut, to not speak to any of his friends or his family about any of this, to not breathe a word about his dirty little secrets. In 12 f*#%ing hours, I have gone from being blasé about using meth with him, to f*#%ing HATING THE CUNTING f*#%ING SOUL ROTTING, SPIRIT DESTROYING shiz! I don’t want to be around it, I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to smoke it, smell it, or even be around anyone that does. If this f*#%ing drug has robbed me of my chance to finally be happy with someone then I don’t need it in my face as a reminder of what I’ve lost to it on a f*#%ing daily basis. f*#% YOU, METH AND f*#% YOU M FOR BEING A SLAVE TO THE BAG.
The f*#%ing pain in my chest is f*#%ing full on, I am so f*#%ing devastated. All that stuff about meth users, their behaviours, how they treated people, how the drug always came first, how people who they were supposed to love became their enemy just like that if they kept them away from the drug, how their dealers became their best friends, how they avoided normal situations and isolated themselves to only those who used as well. Man, how badly was I just ignoring everything? That is probably why M offers me meth too….he doesn’t want to give it up, so instead of having to chose between me and the meth, it’s easier for him if I smoke it too. Then he doesn’t have to justify anything. No questions asked because we are both users.
Is there any point in me staying? Is there anything to be gained from how I am living my life right now? Am I too proud to admit that I am such a bad judge of character; that I was so desperate to escape the town I used to live in that I overlooked every warning sign? Warning signs which, in retrospect were pretty f*#%ing glaringly obvious. My life consists of nothing. I can’t even remember the last time I felt happy, or loved or appreciated. I’ve completely numbed myself out of the reality in an attempt to hide the hopelessness I feel on a daily basis. I may as well be empty and hollow – because that is how I feel a good percentage of the time. I don’t feel safe, I don’t feel cared for, I don’t feel wanted or even liked at times. I feel like I am turning into the dependant meth-addicted girlfriend who has lost her shine, her appeal and her usefulness. My blatant and obvious co-dependency knows no bounds it seems.
I don’t understand how anyone would choose to live their lives like this and actually say that they enjoy it; that they are happy because they are doing exactly what they want to be doing. I have lost all motivation for anything other than smoking a million cigarettes, sleeping and sitting for hours on end mindlessly playing games on my laptop.
I don’t eat most of the time. I have stopped giving a damn about how I look because who cares anyway? I don’t go anywhere except work and home – I hardly see anyone else but M – and he has let himself go in the most spectacular way since I moved here. I have come to feel that if he doesn’t think I am worth making an effort for, then why the f*#% should I bother making an effort for him? We are pretty much strangers, and I can feel the gap widening, resentment festering and the detachment growing.
M has gone from being “an occasional user” (f*#%ING LIAR!!!) to smoking all day every day. And it seems that whenever he offers me some, I take it – mainly because I’ve given up trying to get him to slow it down. The arguments we had over his use were astronomical – I gave up fighting it – so I joined him on his downward spiral into hell. There is no point to trying to get M to see anything he doesn’t want to see. I end up completely depressed, crying and then angry. I am not heard, I am not respected and I am feeling more and more like nothing every day.
I feel like an appendage; someone to keep stoned out on meth so I stay in the same shiz-hole state as he is. “Keep her doped up with me then I won’t have to worry about cutting back. Keep her doped up so she becomes dependant on it too”. I’ve seen him do it with his friends. Those who have said “I just want to get off it” while he is feeding them more.
Since our friend arrived from overseas four months ago, it’s been a free for all. The amount of money and the amount of gear that has been spent and smoked is completely obscene. The amount of money spent has been carefully ‘hidden’ from me, but I suspect it is in the near vicinity of $15,000. Every line that I swore I would not cross, I have crossed and I am disgusted in myself for being so weak, for allowing myself to be so juvenile that I want to do what everyone else is doing, so I fit in, so I feel like I belong, so I can show everyone that nothing fazes me, that I may be from the country but I’m a big girl….I’m cool. I’m not cool. I am a f*#%ing A-Grade FOOL!
My time at home doesn’t amount to much. I don’t do anything except log onto my computer and sit down with a pack of smokes, a beverage, and the handy pipe that I made myself. Way to go! She can fashion a meth pipe out of a light-bulb! What a winner! And on the outside, everyone thinks I am doing so well. Moved up and onward. Have a boyfriend who loves me to death, we run a business together, we have it all going on, got all out shiz together. Pity the reality is so much removed from the gloss I put on my phone calls home. But the more I dribble shiz to people about how f*#%ing awesome it is here, the more I see how completely f*#%ing f*#%ed it is.
The thing is, I know the meth makes me feel good, but when I am on it, I am also painfully f*#%ing aware how f*#%ed it is making me, how much I f*#%ing hate myself for using it, how f*#%ing disgusted I feel – like I have sold my f*#%ing soul to the devil, I’ve become his whore. I see myself from the outside looking in – see myself wasting precious hours, wasting life, holed up, locked away, just mindlessly sitting all night long in complete silence, playing my computer games while M sits in complete silence on the other side of the room, completely engrossed in whatever it is he does. We are both strangers in our own individual meth-haze; we hardly communicate with each other even when we are on it. She can’t share you with anyone else, you see. She is an obsessive, possessive and all consuming force.
Complacency is a curse. And it set in so quickly. M doesn’t seem interested in doing anything with me. I have completely given up trying to get him interested in anything because what is the point? We are always ‘going to do it’ eventually but never do.. Weekends pass in a haze of cigarette and meth smoke, blinds drawn to block out any signs of life outside, to block out the sun. M sleeps on the couch pretty much all the time now. If I am not sleeping by myself, I am sitting up all night, numb and listless and without any enjoyment. What I do, I do to pass the time. To get through one more night, one more day before I have to go to work – because at least going to work is something to do.
I ALWAYS SEEM TO BE CLEANING. Nothing stays that way.. M has lost all ability to be house-proud. Clothes all over the floor, rubbish strewn everywhere, dirty dishes stay in the sink for days because M gave up doing them when I moved in. He gave up doing a lot of things when I moved in. I guess having a girlfriend is a really good excuse to ‘stay in’ a lot. But instead of spending time with me, he spends time with his pipe and his precious meth. I feel grubby and cheap. There is an underlying smell of stale sweat and dirty bodies after a night on the gear. It reeks. We live in our own personal drug cave, but without all the mod-cons.
Sex is non-existent. It used to be on the cards a lot when M tried to introduce me to watching porn with him. I tried to get into it, and got turned on a few times but after a while I just started feeling like a cheap dirty whore. It felt like he could only get turned on by watching emotionless f*#%ing, chicks getting cocks shoved in every orifice, up the arse, in the mouth, up the cunt all at the one time. It was starting to make me feel sick. There was no gratification in it; it was just f*#%, f*#%, f*#%. No feeling involved. Just f*#% like a dirty slut, slap my pussy and my arse, f*#%, suck, f*#%, suck. And I’ll love it too, cos those f*#%ing sluts on the TV are begging for it! And since I won’t watch porn anymore, M has lost interest in sex. He spends a lot of time downloading porn and has quite a nice selection of slut f*#% flicks on his hard-drive.
Maybe he really just wants a dirty filthy girlfriend, who he can just treat however he likes – not much effort is required, just keep her interested by giving her some meth, enough to get her hooked and coming back for more. f*#% her in the arse and cum in her face, call her a filthy bitch who loves it, spit on her c*#t bite her tits and then make sure she washes her snatch before going to sleep.
There is a complete degradation in living like this. There is no respect for yourself as an individual and pretty much no respect for the other person either – because if you respected yourself and the other person, you wouldn’t do this. You wouldn’t want them hooked on meth, you wouldn’t ask them to go against their own personal belief system and values. If you really respected a person, you would do whatever it took to shield them from the seedy grubby shizty f*#%ing existence that has become my f*#%ed up routine.
So this is what R meant when she said that I could have a great life or a miserable one. The man who I thought I knew is lying on the couch, snoring in a meth-induced sleep; I can smell his unwashed body from here. He will eventually get up and have another pipe, sit at his computer until the dealer answers his phone then f*#% off for a few hours to get some more gear, come back here, then we go back to what we always do – M on his laptop, me on mine, strangers sharing the same mind numbing brain dead, devoid of feeling existence.
This is my life. But not for a minute more. I am done. Meth can eat the peanuts out of my shiz. She is a f*#%ing evil, creeping, all consuming bitch, and hatred does not even begin to describe how I feel about her. No eloquent words should be used to describe this substance, how grubby, dirty, filthy it is; how it tears out your guts, devours your heart, rapes your spirit and eats you from the inside out. Right now, I am 99.9% sure my relationship with M is over. I have lost all respect for him, and that is the sad, sorry state of play - because for all of his attributes he is first and foremost meth-f*#%ed.
I'm 19 right now. I first startedd using marijuana when iwas 14, then istarted to pop pills when I went to raves. Then started doing coke. Then one day I met this guy when i was 17 & he was 28 he introduced mee to meth & herion. Alll the other drugs were affairs when I met herion & meth it was true love. I lost a lot of weight. Went from a size 8 to a size 2. I wouldn't sleep for days at a time sometimes weeks. I would literallly do anythingg to get a fix. ANYTHING. I stole from my mom. Threatened her if she'd get in my way I'd kill her. It didn't take long before I was addicted. Not long at all. It took me out of my reality. I started to hear voices. Started to think shadows we're out to get me. I'd hide in the bathroom in the bathtub. Well shooting up. My mom saw me in the bathroom and said get out of this house. You may want yur life to end but not my other kids. I had 2 younger siblings. Which I use to b close to. I lost allll my friends. And stopped talking to alll my family members. I had new friends who were also addicts. Who understood me. When I was 18 I got a lot of money from when my uncle died he left to me. It was close to a million dollars. ALLL of it went to drugs. I started living with my boyfriend , and my sister came and visited me. She looked at me and started crying and said you use to b my hero. You may b beautiful on the outside but on the inside your messed up. And its going to destroy your looks. At that moment , I didn't care I just wanted her to leave soo ican shoot up. Then I OD'd at that moment of almost dying , I decided to get clean. My mom signed me up for rehab. The withdrawls were soooo painful. And the demons ifelt chasing me were painful. My mom said write everything down to keep you sane. I did. I want to establish it for teens who think its nothing who think weed is nothing. Its a gateway drug to a lot of others. After iwas clean for about 6months I heard my boyfriend died from an overdose. I wanted to use again , but my mom said don end your life as well. I'm still worried of relapsing. I wish I had never done it.
Hi I am 25 years old, my name is Amanda. I have been addicted to meth for 7 years now off and on. When I was 18 I started to do it with a guy that I fell head over hells for. I had tried it a few times and not been addicted but then the third time I started to use everyday. I did it for a year and a half and in that time I managed to quit my full time job, lose my car and all my friends, had all my belongings robbed from me, cut off all my hair and looked like a completely diff person. I got. a crystal meth possession charge, two shoplifting, bank fraud, check fraud and 800 dollars in unpaid parking tickets. I then went to rehab and quit. But still was using about once every two months. It took me about 3 years to look like Myself again as I was chubby for a while. My body would hold onto all the fat in fear of me starving it again. Then when I was 21 I quit for a year and a half but started using crack heavily until I had spent about 60 or 70 thousand on it. Then I picked up meth again. Its been 2 years now that I've been using for about 3 days at a time every week probably. I never have any money any more. I've had fights upon fights with my friends because I'm high but most of them have no idea. They prob wonder though what's wrong with me sometimes. When I am on it I can feel my body dying. My thought raw and swollen. My mouth gets cut up. My skin greys and sinks in and my stomach wrenches with hunger. My teeth and jaw ache and my eye sockets even hurt. The next morning sometimes parts of my brain hurt and feel mushy. While I'm on it I have no friends. All the people treat me like garbage. A lot of them I have had to stop contact with because they would steal my money, my car, money from right out of my purse or anything I didn't put a security alarm on. Some of them when they came over I would not even go to the wash room. So I could watch them. I had to ex nay almost every meth friend I had. I am now left with three and they are never here. I sit at home getting high alone often waiting for one of them to show up but they just dont. it makes me depressed, exhausted, and sketchy. I start talking to myself and my dogs. I apologize to them repeatedly. If I have no money I use my straight friends for their money by telling lies. I owe so much money its sick. I never ever get ahead because of meth. Or crack. I never feel that great either cuz I'm usually high or coming down. Three days of use takes three days to come down and feel like urself. If u sleep and then use again... It takes two weeks.
This is my most recent poem I wrote;
Oh another day again,
The days weeks and years
Keep numbering by
I cannot make them pause or stop
No sooner as another dies
I try to look my addiction
In its face
It hides from me, beneath the sheets
Beneath its heavy blanket
That I keep
Above their eyes
All those that know not of my pain
Know not of my shame
Not knowing what clumps of months contain
My addictions there
Its eyes do stare
But when I'm there
I long for company
To bear this time
I look and search only to find
No ones there
To see me through
All those ppl
Whom with this life I share
They don't care about me
They don't seek friendship from me
Sometimes I swear were enemies
And whatever we've had, is now barely there
I don't know how to take it
But I try to shake it
For, who are they?
Well, enough to have rejected me today
When I think of just being sober
A lonely alone fear accosts me
What do I cling to? Why do I always seek it out and pay for it greatly
I guess I can't control what I do
Addiction is my daily chore
I live this life and I wear it every day
No matter what I do
Its so much like the sticky phlem that it bestows on me
My heart and mind empties out
I pity myself for I cannot be free
My own life is strangling me
My other friends are so good
They always want to see me
Spend time on me
They do seek out friendship in me
They are blind to my blind sides
And a few have been expensed
For my fix
why aren't they enough for me
I want to stop and know I can
Admitting that hurts
But I ain't no fool
But life is hard no matter who u are
Maybe that's the reason that they don't understand
Cause once u play with the devil you will know first hand
The menacing game it plays with your life
It laughs and teases you in spite
It comes on strong and knocks u down
It turns ur smile into a permanent frown
And no matter what
Or how much is in ur baggie
U always run out and need more in the end
And that desperatness you feel
Some days is my only friend
Amanda march 10
hello my name is nicole and i am a 30 yr old meth addict i have been addicted to meth for 7 in a half yrs now and i have totally lost everyone and everything i have ever loved or cared for. except for my boyfriend who is now clean has been for 8 months , he has alot of trouble dealing with recovery and putting up with me still getting high. i dont do it in front of him but i might as well be cause he knows when i am high and when i am not. i dont know how he does it dealing with both issues. i couldnt do it if u paid me to i am not strong minded enough i am a very weak individual who is so scared of stopping the drug afraid i wont be able to recover all the way and get back to being normal if being normal is actually even possible after the way i have used meth over the yrs i have lost 2 girls to meth addiction one is 5 and lives with my parents in ohio and the other she is 3 be 4 in aug.2010 she lives with my boyfriend's brother and family here in IL i dont see either of them i am too ashamed to show my pathetic drug addicted face around them they are to young to understand what is going on right now and all that would happen if i did get to see them is probably just scare them cause of the way i look. all my teeth r rotting out of my mouth my eyes have dark deep black circles around them and i am 170 pounds which when i first started meth i got extremely skinny down to 91 pounds at 24 yrs old now at 30 yrs old for as much meth as i do u would think i would still be skinny but weirdly i have gained over 30 pounds in the last 2in a half yrs i cant explain why i just have. anyways my girls dont need to see someone like me maybe when they are older and can understand whats going on with me then maybe i will go see them or maybe not cause by then they will understand what kind of person i am and hate me just like they should cause god knows i would never forgive or even love my mother if she had ever did to me what i did to my girls while i was pregnant with each of them. i dont quit know why i am writting this letter to you all i just havent admitted any of this stuff to anyone ever and i really needed to get it off my chest and maybe i was hoping by getting it off my chest might help me stop doing meth like my boyfriend has before i lose him forever too. thank u for listening god bless all addicts out there i will pray each any every night for you all as well as for myself.
---wanting to quit
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