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and Letters of the Hidden Costs
How didnt I know? Why did no one tell me?
The purpose and intent of these letters and stories is to discourage crystal meth and/or methamphetamine use. If you, or someone you know, have been affected by crystal meth, please add your story so others may learn from your experience. We do not disclose personal information and edit out such when possible. E-Mail letters to: email@example.com
I'm probably the last person anyone would have expected to be on Ice. I come from a good family, I went to private schools, and I have degrees from two of the best universities in the country.
When I was at school I don't remember ever hearing about Ice. Drugs classes put me off doing heroin so much I always swore that's one thing I would never touch. Mostly because it's so addictive and I was scared of getting addicted to a hard drug.
I remember reading about Ice when I started uni. The media reports made it sound really scary. My boyfriend told me he used it in his country. When I moved to his country he introduced me to it. I asked him if it was really bad and he told me it wasn't. I believed him. A very stupid act, for someone supposedly so smart. But I trusted him, foolishly.
I only had it a few times during that period and then left the country. I only found out recently that he was on it a lot during that time. I moved back to Australia, and went years without doing Ice. I never once even saw it in Melbourne. Then this year I moved to the Gold Coast.
It's hard for me to know how big the Ice problem really is on the Gold Coast but in the circles I ran in it was everywhere. My boyfriend at the time introduced me to it again. He did, however, discourage me from making it a regular habit. One thing I have learned, is friends do not encourage friends to take Ice. I took it a few times over the next couple of months, and then I swore off it. Many of the people I know on the Coast have already lost heaps to Ice.
Two months ago I moved in with a girl from the Ice crowd. I had no idea at the time that she's on it hard and has been for years. For the first month I still had no idea. She hid it from all of the other housemates. We had it at her birthday shortly after I moved in, but I still had no idea of the extent of her using. Then about a month ago she broke up with her boyfriend and I was in her room and guys offered it to me. It kind of went from there. In the past, when I'd taken it, it would be a few hits. But this time, after being high for a couple of days, I was offered it again. I asked the guy if it would be bad to do it again. He asked me if I'd slept, and when I responded in the affirmative he told me it'd be fine. You may think I'm really stupid to trust these people, and you'd be right, but it's not uncommon. I've always seen the best in people, which has led me to get involved with some really shady characters.
I had a psychotic episode. It was terrifying. I thought people were plotting to kill me. I had some thoughts about my housemate, that she was talking about me behind my back. I told her about it afterwards and she convinced me that it was all in my head.
The thing with Ice psychosis is, some of the paranoid delusions are really ridiculous, but when you're hanging out with people on Ice, they might actually be true. It takes all the good out of people. Your “friends” actually might be plotting behind your back. People on Ice do terrible things to each other. I remember my housemate talking about her friend, saying she got away with many things because she was plotting several steps ahead, and people would never believe her actual motives. Well, that's exactly what my housemate did to me. I won't go into what happened but let's just say I had no idea she would do that to me because it's so incredibly f**ked up.
A few weeks on Ice was enough for me. I knew I had to get out, and I knew the only way to get out was to get off the Coast. I didn't think my housemate would take well to that, and surely enough she turned psycho. It's hurtful to think of the lies she spread about me, but I can only hope that one day people will figure out the truth about her. At the end of the day, though, it doesn't matter. Several people from the scene are dead already. Many have been in jail. I have way too much to lose. I will not go down that route. I left Australia and have moved to a country where Ice isn't prevalent yet. I'm so grateful that I know there is more to life. I know the difference between right and wrong. Ice totally twists people's morality. It takes away your desire to do good things. It makes you selfish. It takes a strong person to overcome it. Just look at the statistics- they're absolutely terrifying. My advice is not to try it. There are plenty of other drugs out there which are much safer. I'm pretty sure almost everyone who's come out the other end would say the same. Just don't do it.
I want 2 write a poem story about meth addictions
Im a a bold 26 year old mother of 2 daughter that I have pretty much lost due 2 my meth addiction...u know its kinda funny when i was about 13 i rember finding out my mom was a meth addict....i rember saying 2 my self i will never touch any drugs and when i had a child of my own i wouldnt do 2 them what my mom did 2 me and my sister.....well when i turned 17 it was the night of new years eve i got a wild hair and told my mom i wanted 2 try it... So my mom gave me sum in a piece of toilet paper and i swolled it....wow i loved it to much and then i started 2 smoke it all the time...then that same year i got pregnant with my 8 year old baby girl....i stopped when i found out i was pregnant but i left my husband 2 be with meth not knowing he was gonna support my habbit even more just 2 keep me...well child protective service was called on me and took her away thankgod 2 my grandparents....so i started a even bigger happit to feel no pain or remorse 4 looseing my daughter i still have right
From Darkness Comes Light
I recall the feeling of warmth, euphoria, and the calm before the storm took hold. I remember the distinct smell of an almost perfume odor mixed with a sort of baking powder odor as well. I remember watching the crystal melt into a liquid structure that “cracked back” immediately upon cooling. I remember as clear as the euphoria the sudden onset of sweating, rapid heart rate, and goose bumps even though it was 90 degrees outside. The feeling of freezing hot took hold and I could feel the hair on my skin and head growing. As days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months and month turned to 3 and a half years, I was no longer me, and me was no longer living on the same planet as everyone else. The sensation of travelling at high speeds on a train, moving so fast going nowhere and everywhere at the same time, developing tunnel vision for the next score and catching glimpses of loved ones, jobs lost, hearts broken, just outside in the periphery. The ruin that had become my life seemed a lost cause, a lonely and sad existence, fueled by the craving for more and the shame of it all together in a concoction of death. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I had only just started to experience life in the aftermath of a horrific seven year battle with an alcoholic I’d tried so desperately to help and couldn’t leave him. I wanted an escape that would be available to me only every once in a while, something I could control, something I didn’t need but wanted.
My niece was doing it, so was my best friend, and most importantly, the man who walked hand in hand with me, “loving” me, protecting me, helping me sabotage my good name, excellent credit, stellar professional reputation. The man who stood and watched stone faced when my children were pulled from my arms by the department of human services, pulled me inside the apartment and handed me the apparatus and said “Here baby, just take a hit and you’ll forget.” But I didn’t forget and I didn’t want to forget. I wanted to hurt, I deserved to hurt and all I could do was hurt. But that hurt alone didn’t stop me. The loss of my children didn’t stop me. The threat of 18 years in prison didn’t stop me. The countless jobs I’d lost didn’t stop me. Running out of dope didn’t stop me. What was going to stop me? It’s funny how much damage a mirror can do. The reflection that stared back at me with black lifeless eyes, gaunt and sunken cheekbones, chapped and bleeding lips, was not me anymore. The me in me was gone. I yearned to have that intelligent, soft hearted and loving woman back. But she was lost and seemed to be gone forever, never to appear into the body of the fiend again. Falling to my knees, I begged for strength, forgiveness, hope, removal of fear and loathing.
Then the waiting, oh the waiting, for something that seemed would never arrive. It would take me on a trip to the Cheyenne Mountain National Park, as place that had become a place of peace, even when the rapid beating of my heart and racing of my thoughts could seemingly be heard by all around me. Then it took one last trip on my knees begging for the obsession to be lifted, in the middle of the forest. I proceeded down the pass and onto the highway headed home when in my rear view mirror, I caught a glimpse of the red and blue flashing lights that would contain the tools to bind my hands behind me and release my heart and mind at last from the demons inside me and in the apparatus left “securely” under the seat of my car. After a 2 month stay in the county jail, my freedom was spared and I was given the opportunity to build the me that I am today. I had been offered a reprieve from the haunting of my spirit and was blessed with a phenomenal program that helped me change my life. I was sent to a rehabilitation facility in Pueblo, CO to spend the next 30 days rediscovering what it’s really like to know me. From there I returned to Colorado Springs, CO and moved into sober living, attended weekly court appearances, participated in weekly therapy sessions with the most wonderful counselor a human could ask for, and was blessed with the continued accountability of random urinalysis testing. After six months passed of impeccable results, I had secured a job with an employer within my career field of Optometry, acquired my own home, and the best news of all, was reunited with my three precious sons at last.
I am a success story. I am a second chance product of a treatment supporting judge who believed in me when nobody else could. Today, I am 22 months sober and the chains of drug addiction have been broken! I am now pursuing an Associate of Science degree through PPCC Online as a full time student, working full time, as well as full time mom. I have recently met the love of my life and we are planning a wedding for Spring 2013. I am more than proud to say that I’m a full time member of society who fought toe to toe with the devil himself and won! Treatment does work and success stories are possible in the dark and sickening depths of meth amphetamine addiction.
I know the hell this drug can do, I have been clean from it for a little over a year now, It was my first Experience trying/using it I ended up getting way too much a little over a gram....I stayed awake for 10 DAYS/OF HELL it was some really pure/potent apparently, being prior experiences with other stimulants I was like what the hell give this one a try....MY GOD. So really the question is is there any real hope for recovery at all??? My mind is everywhere pretty much and I have crazy sleep patterns still and very vivid detached from reality/vertigo feeling etc its just horrible. I have also experimented with Hallucinogens prior before this happened so its just not good at all. I was just always very interested in how various substances can change/distort ones perception of reality yet the vast negative consequence's are associated with it and will eventually follow. The sheer power it evokes on oneself is totally amazing yet very destructive, no moderation/ no control with it whats so ever. I was either going to do it all which I did or die trying, I could of easily died yet I was spared why???. Even though death did not happen my mind has descended into this state of Major depressed not capable of feeling joy or happiness induced semi-Psychosis Phase. That's how I would describe it. But we as prior users must not give up the hope that we can get better it just takes time, even though the essence of time itself has been altered, to me sometimes it feels 10x faster than normal and others its crawled to a stand still. I really felt the need to give my voice on this maybe someone will hopefully read it and truly not make this horrible choice like I did, we just can't give up we must remember deep down buried away under all that madness is our former selves waiting to be set free again, until then I pray for myself and anyone else that has been ravaged by it.
Meth has taken my soul
I found this website on accident, and I believe everything happens for a reason. My name is Roxane, and I'm 48 yrs.old. The first time I tried meth I was 13 yrs. old. I didn't like it at all. It burned my nose made my eyes water, and I wanted nothing to do with it. A couple of years later tried it again, and I this time I thought it was a blast! I had enlisted in to the Navy the previous year, and was leaving for boot camp in a few weeks. When I arrived in Orlando to begin my basic training they drug tested me, and of course it was positive. This was pretty serious now that I was property of the United States government! From then on I was drug tested once a month like clock work. I couldn't believe that a woman would stand there and actually watch me pee! It was at that time I found liquor! Alcohol was my drug of choice for the next 5 or 6 yrs. As soon as I was discharged from the Navy that meth demon came knocking on my door, and it was good bye vodka martinis, and hello crystal meth.
I had to leave my 2 kids and their dad because he was totally clean and sober, and he didn't understand what was wrong with me. I tried to explain, and so he put me in rehab a couple of times, but all it did was teach me how to be a functional drug addict. I did that routine for 10 yrs. until one day I realized I didn't want my kids to turn out like me, so I moved out. I felt guilty for subjecting their father to all the erratic mood swings, and the rest of the craziness that goes along with using meth. It was time for him to find a woman who could love him and appreciate him for who he was. It was the hardest thing I've done in my life, because this man had a great job, made good money, and gave me whatever I asked for. Looking back now I can see that he is what they call an "enabler".
I still visited my kids at least twice a week. You see when I moved out I was doing them a favor. My son has never really forgiven me, and my daughter was affected by it, but we are still close. She will always have scars from my drug use I'm sure. I have always felt I was showing them how much I loved them by moving out. I know I should've quit meth instead of leave, but I had tried and failed. My kids had already been put through enough. I still live with that guilt of walking out everyday, but I still feel I did the right thing. I honestly love them. I know they deserve a better mom than myself, but it's to late for that.
I was 35 yrs. old when I moved out, and I am now 48. I use meth everyday. I still have all of my teeth. I'm not sure why they haven't fallen out like so many meth heads out there. I still work at the same job that I've had since 1985. I told myself I wanted to quit by the time I was 40, then it was 45, and now look I'm almost 50! I'm not sure if I can quit because everytime I try to my job interferes. I have to support my habit, so I never hardly miss work. Two days is not enough time to get clean. I keep waiting for a heart attack or something . I know after all these years my body is not going to last much longer. You don't see that many meth heads out here my age.
I can’t keep checking out on life...
Ive been on this roller coaster since 1993, I was 19 working 2 jobs with 2 little girls and my high school sweetheart who was laid up after a bad cycle accident...it was introduced to me very casually by my best friend who I knew from grade school...its just speed, it'll help get ya through these 12 hour overnights...and boy did it ever I had everything under control, when my husband was able to get up and around we all went out drinking and she busted out with tt to sober him up a bit after a few too many...wow we had used recreational drugs in the past but nothing compared to this....the girls started growing up, we got better jobs, bought a house...my husband coached the girls soccer teams, and through it all crystal meth was right by our side....we were hard core highly functional tweakers...I became pregnant again at 25 and we stopped just turned it off, larry started his own business worked day and night to make it profitable as he didnt want to work on cars gettin a little older doesnt want to be broken down at 50 and still making a living turning wrenches..i told him to go for it...he was capable of anything he set his mind too...meantime had our 3rd daughter and 3rd day out of the hospital I had my trusty little friend crystal to "help" with gettin back to work and take care of the baby the girls the house,...used for about a year and quit again I started taking oxycontin oh hell no before I knew it 7 years had gone by and I was hooked to the gills. theres a reason they call it kicking the habit it was sooo bad, but crystal was there for me again and this time I checked out for awhile it was getting harder to explain to the girls why we didnt sleep much or smetimes not at all, the things we thought we were hiding so well...the girls knew the whole time. they lived here for sobbing out loud and theyd find things, my hiding places and flush it when they could, I just figured larryd done it and vice versa..heather confronted me in late junior high after she got in big trouble for smoking pot...her dad really came down hard on her...she started screaming where did he get off at we had been doing that nasty tweak ever since she could remember...so the whole time I kept up apperances the very ones I was trying to protect were aware that their mom was a junkie...but still very much there mom it must have been so hard not knowing what to expect...I'd get myself so wound up over something and not follow through not always but enough to where they couldnt count on me to keep my promises, How selfish!! So we quit again the girls were into high school now and pretty busy with their own lives, my youngest was having a really hard time in school, she was put in speech and special reading group..my husband doted on her as he knew she was the last and he had never really showed the older girls much affection, he wanted to do it "right" this time, and would only use when he couldnt take the jones...he was reallu my rock I knew I could "take a little out of the cash drawer or his wallet to keep me going he hated the drug by this time hated it...and me for "getting him back on it" meantime he lost his business and all he had worked for...went on the road as a contractor leaving me here with the girls, I managed to stay pretty straight cuz I knew he would not be here to pick up the slack if I spent the grocery money or pawned something i shouldnt have..but within a couple of years right back on it ......at this point my dad very publicly and violently took his own life after holding a school board hostage...it was a truly truly just theres no words to describe the pain of having my 11 year old ask why grandpa florida had shot his own self, its left a hole that is still just so raw....so another year passes I cant keep a job i get on xanax, ambien and ability to take away from the panic attacks that sometimes stop me in my trax..I wreck the car got a dui, house goes into pre foreclosure...my grandma passes almost a year to the day of my dad, I was an only child so I lost two of the most important people in my life and no one can really understand...larry cant stand the depression that im in so he starts hanging out late at night or not coming home at all..I am so scared to lose him because I failed to stand by him stole from him, lied, brought the drugs back into the house...I know I cant take care of my little girl so I tell her to pack a bag for two weeks to go stay with Heather who can provide a safe place for her, a comfortable familiar place because at this point im afraid they will take her from me, I broke my cake topper wedding pix, anything to get his attention, but he just stopped giving a shit...I told his dad the situation was worse than he probably could imagine and that I wanted my little girl and husband back...he got us caught up on the bills...that was last month...bre is still at heathers comes to visit on thursdays sat/sun and larrys still not home and its after midnight....Ive cut down the psych meds to 1/2 doses, started counseling (he still cares about me he takes me to all my appointments, but he keeps himself scarce...I am starting 2 groups safely surviving (ways to cope without using) and an art expressions group....I am so scared because for the first time in decades i have been totally clean 10 days now....but i feel naked, out of it and different..I want to respect and love myself enough to feel safe about the decisions i am making that they are good decisions,,,I went to garden of the gods to honor my dads birthday he majored in outdoor resource management/forestry it was really an eye opening experience I felt like I had suddenly taken off a pair of dark cheap sunglasses while walking from the darkness of a small room into this huge park god created for us...for me..scared the shit out of me...i read psalms every morning and push myself to do things, I feel I can use the resources available to me and maybe get some sense of normalcy and balance in my life repair my broken family and have some say over where my daughter stays its scary giving someone such power it feels really risky as far as cps stepping in.....or the other choice is to continue the course Ive been on and will certainly lose her....get busy living or get busy dying....when will I feel safe again, im so scared you guys of getting straight i dont know what im so fraid of.//thanks for letting me post////sorry it had to be here...love to all of you
I need help with a insecure meth user boyfriend
Where do i start. We stared out young i was 18 he was 21. now i am almost 22 we have going on our 3rd child. When we met i didn't know until he moved in that he used cocaine.than after a year and half i got pregnant with our first child.we broke up shortly after. He started coming around to see him and of course i fell under his spell. He later told me he had started using meth.we have been through alot people wouldn't take us as a family because of his addiction. We moved into my parents house who are also addicts. So time goes by he accuses me of cheating on him with his best friends disabled brother who he helped take care of . Every day he thought i was having intercourse or oral with this man. I got pregnant with my daughter and he eventually stoped taking care of him, he would at times deny our daughter. Than be started to accuse me of cheating on him with my dad's friend who lives outside in a trailer/camper. My windows have throw blankets tacked over every crack and curtains ontop of that he thinks he looks in our room. I cant even go to the bathroom with out "cheating" he says im not a woman because im not taking good enough care of myself or our kids because if im out of his sight im doing something . Its getting to the point where every day i wake up to when i go to bed even in his sleep,he calls me a whore ,slut ,bitch ect anything to put me down because of his insecurity.he hates doing it, he wants to quit, he is the best person i have ever met never judges anyone. Always turning his cheek , he always gives to the homeless and has a great relationship with God always reading his bible. Anyway its hard because i love him hes a great man, dad, and partner but his insecurity it drives me insane i don't know what to do im sad have no self asteem im now pregnant with our 3rd child under the age of two!!!! im scared. Im depressed. Help me . Pray for me.
M.S.M. as a cutting agent
I'd need to write a book, about my intro over the last ten years into this whole new world I didn't know existed .Late starter, at 40,bit older when I first whacked.Don't have an addictive nature,so foolishly though it would be a one off experience.Man,I truly met my poison. Banging was the single most stupid decision i have ever made. O.k.been doing some research on cutting agents ,due to mine & my partner's sudden health issues .A bit like our bodies were trying to expel poison.(u may laugh ignorance from those in their lofty tower may not) We arnt daily user. M.S.M. turned out to be the issue .After a bit of reading ,I though "wow, want to keep taking this." It's healing properties. are amazing.I kept reading. BEWARE .there is ORGANIC & INORGANIC. Most of the m.s.m.used as a cutting agent,is inorganic, often used in animal feed.I'm no chemist,so please check it out you're selves ,as what some unscrupulous suppliers, (legal),are adding to it ,as a filler ,and other reasons,is as bad as the drug,if not worse.
To the health fraternity there, don't judge us or be too scared to touch us,(we don't bite.),or look down you're noses at us. Mine was stupidity, but when you hear some of their stories, I applaud their courage .
Those chemists that supply fits willing,a big THANKYOU.It goes a long way to keeping people clean,especially our Kids.If chemists are doing it, for the wrong reasons,then please don't,as you push the kids futher underground,not to mention what it's does to the little bit of selfesteem left.Drugs are not just a select fews issue .Supplying clean fits, is a very valuable service .Chemists out there that don't,ask ur. self the question.Do you have kids,(don't be silly enough to think it can't happen),drugs are a serious issue ,it knows no boundaries.Then train your staff to dispense them in a hygienic ,user friendly manner& if i need to explain that ,then u shouldn't be in business. Users out there who vandelize dispenser,or freak out chemist staff etc.Pull you're bloody heads in,think of the kids we need to educated in safe using practices , talk to young 1s,get themhelp/ home,etc.We may be users,but it hasn't made me into a brain dead neanderthol(?Caveman ).What about you guys out there.I know a lot of you have kids of your own,and wouldn't want this life for them.Dealers out there.Business is business,legal or illegal ,you still have "a duty of care" & majority I've seen,conduct their business, in an hygienic responsible manner.Those few low ?@#$!that sell to our younger kids,STOP .
Health people,can't some of you ,without judgement ,&I know it's hard,as hard as it for some women to stop using in pregnancy .Come on , can't you get class happening,get it police by family(whatever it takes.),to educate them,don't talk at them,show them a movie about a newborn in speed withdrawal.If they need help to stay clean ,can't they be put in care earlier.Come on, you're the educated one's .Share ur knowledge.
Docters &Nurses ,u do a great job ,but i've come across a few ,whose whole demeanor change,when i mention what I do.How the hell can u treat a person without all the facts.There r all sorts ,in all groups of people.Why r there two sets of rules for some in how we r treated.how dare u judge,body language speaks louder then words.change professions ,ur in the wrong game.
Parents out there who discover their kids r on drugs& it's an unknown world to you.Take deep breath,don't panic,keep lines of communication open.Get advice from health professional.Most hospitals have someone you should be able to talk to.Don't be scared to talk to few.Don't know where the law stands,at this point in time.Once if you tried to secluded them yourself to dry them out,you would be charged with deprivation of liberty?etc.You had to stand back and let your child destroy themselves.That law must be changed.
MY heart goes out to you,but it's not all bad.
When a bad batch hits the street, can't it immediately be advertised loudly on the news,papers etc. This started as a couple of lines,but I get so cheesed off at all these double standards.How in hell are the barriers that those with mental health issues have be broken. I'm adhd &dyslexic.when I stuck my hand up in defense of some teenagers in the education system,I was appalled at how I was treated.its no big deal&certainty not a mental health issue .we just learn differently .I feel for those with serious mental health issues.Come on politicians,give up a few lunches,give the money to mental health,to help them get the message out there .take care all.
Someone make me understand this!
I just got back from visiting my sister in the hospital. She shot up meth 10 days ago and got an infection and now she may die. She is 53 years old and has been doing drugs since she was 13. It started out with pot, then cocaine, quaaludes and god knows what else. About 5 years ago she got on crack and the whole family thought that would be the end of her but here she is still doing drugs. I think this time may be it, I am so sad but I am also mad as hell! How can anyone let themselves live their entire lives around drugs. She has 2 grown children (twins) and beautiful grandchildren. She has a loving mother and her dad loved her better than life itself. He died 3 years ago. She has me (her sister)and 2 brothers, lots of good friends. None of this has ever mattered to her. My parents raised her children and she is indifferent to her grandchildren. The only time she has for me is when she wants something and my brothers have finally gotten to the point they hate her. I dont hate her, I love her but I dont understand how she could do this to herself and to her family. My parents put her in rehab numerous times, everyone has tried everything to help her, but to no avail.
Why would you choose a life of drugs over your family? From the time she was 13 till now, it has always been getting high!!! She shot up 10 days ago (she said this was the first time). Her arm got a knot on it and it got infected. She went to the hospital 3 days ago, the infection has spread all through her body and she may die. I talked to her today and she had no remorse. There is no doubt in my mind if she does recover, she will go right back to her same old way of life. It is killing my mother and her grandchildren are worried sick. Do you know of any grandmothers like this??
I've lost you and I don't don't think you are ever coming back. I wish you loved me enough to stop, but I don't think you even know what love is anymore. This thing, this drug, has ripped a whole in the beautiful world we were building..... Do you remember when we said we would be kids together forever.... I do. Do you remember when you couldn't keep your hands off me, when you wanted to lay next to me, because I do. I know now, its not my fault, but I wish I was enough motivation to keep you away from it. I cry everyday, still, over a life we could have had.
Don’t know what happen to my family either we was soooo happy im div. kids always saw their dad thou whenever they wanted we splet up as friends our kids grew up boy who is 24 girl who is 27 boy has always has trouble with pills and drugs he has a girl who is 6 and one who is 2 I have full coustdy of them im 45 now my daughter got married and had two kids one is 4 the other a year old sad to say they are both into meth now my daughter has lost her lpn lisc . has lost her kids to their dad which I get to see as much as I want too me and dad get along well I just want peace for me and my grandkids but when will it happen ? I miss my children I haven’t seen them in like 6 months they have been using meth for awhile now way before I ever knew I don’t speak to them because in afraid I will lose the two girls I have to dhs this site has helped me out a lot to know there is someone else that is goin through what I am thanks
I was an addict once too
so I get what your going through to an extent. I never did, seen, or been around anyone that did meth thats the hard part. I can't truly say I know what your going through. I was addicted to crack, coke, and oxy's. all terrible drugs, but the way I saw you last night was like nothing I had seen before. watching you trying to dig your eyes out of your head claiming there's worms coming out of your body, when clearly there was not. you love your hair but you cut it all off in a frenzy, pants wrapped around your head, shaved your legs, your butt. This is not my little brother! I wish for you only the best, but I feel so lost right now, so hurt. I don't have a clue what to do. I can't believe how lost I feel. It's just strange cuz of my past addiction history, I figured if the time came that one of my siblings became an addict I'd instantly know what to do, but all I can do is sit back and watch you destroy yourself. I guess thats how everyone felt while I was an addict. I had no clue you had been doing it for a couple months now, that explains you not eating and being so distant. at the beginning of the summer you were at my house every day visiting, watching movies with me. I felt you were safe from all the bad things this towns into cuz I seriously thought you were smarter then that. you say your not addicted your just having fun. but I said the same thing. that was 6 years of my life down the drain, 6 years i can never get back. drug addiction changes you forever clean or not you will never ever be the same person. I lost who I was and I'll never get that person back.please don't destroy yourself. I know why your doing this. you feel lost and empty like nobody in the world understands you. I know you've felt this way since you were a little boy. you didn't get brought up properly. not enough attention, on the welfare system with two drug addicts for parents, no food in the house. but I took care of all of you, made sure you were going to school and eating before I fed myself. I was only 14, I thought I was doing the best I could at that age to make sure my siblings got more then what our parents could bother their pitiful lives to offer all of us. I'm sorry I left but my mother wouldn't allow me to live that way. I wish I could go back in time and take all of you with me. I'm sorry I couldn't be there the way you needed but I was just a kid myself trying to raise 3 kids under the age of 4 with no idea on how to do that. Please be that little kid again,wrap your arms around me the way you used too tell me how much you love me. you know I love you, I tell you all the time. I feel a storm coming, a storm I can't predict. it's going to be a bumpy road, over the next few years if you continue. you told me while you were high that you did 3 hours worth of meth in one hit and that you had been up for 2 days. you told me you thought you had a heart attack the night before. I'm terrified of this drug because I never experienced it myself but I know what over dosing feels like and I've been inches from death do to drug use. I feel last night you were close to that point. I know while I was in detox cleaning myself up. they showed us brain scans and the effects of what different drugs do to your brain. Meth was the worst. many worm holes in your brain that will never heal, it was a scan of a person doing it for only 6 month! I'm scared for you. please stop!! I'll be here for you always but only when your ready to get help. I know enough not to be an enabler, the whole family cut me off and stopped talking to me for 4 years but I feel that didn't help me. it just made me forget because nobody was there to remind me how much damage I was doing and how much they cared. I care and I will always be here for you. I love you my little brother please quit while your still early in the drug usage. I fear I'm going to get a call saying "sorry but your brothers gone" I already lost a little brother, I can't handle losing another, it will break me. You need to leave this town and all the people you know, thats the only way a drug addict can truly be clean. your not ready though. because as you said last night 'your not addicted". thats the one and only time you'll decide to make a proper choice is to realize you are an addict until then you'll keep walking down this long and dreadful road. I love you so much, so so much. what I wouldn't give to wrap my arms around you and tell you that. I fear I'll never get that chance.
A letter to crystal meth
My name is Joe. My husband is an addict. He has been through an outpatient rehab, was clean for 3 months and has since relapsed at least 2 times that I know of. I'm attending Nar-Anon meetings and it is certainly a safe place for me to be. But, I have to come home. Thankfully, my husband is actually home right now. When he is in front of me, I have some sort of comfort. I can't be with him every minute of every day though. Even if I could be, that is not living. He is not a prisoner and I am not a jailer. His recovery has to be his decision. I have no power over the decisions he makes. All I can do is choose to either accept them or reject them. The toughest choice I face is where is to draw the line in the sand. At what point to I say enough is enough? He already lost his job and we are burning through the savings that we had. I told him I am in this relationship for the long haul if he isn't doing meth. Money is money, there is more to life than that. We can bounce back in that area. The thing that is killing me right now is that he isn't fighting for sobriety. After pulling a disappearing act last weekend he sent me a heartfelt email because he was too ashamed to talk to me. This email gave me hope. He said he would attend meetings daily and reach out to some people we have in our life that can help. He has done none of those things in the past few days. Per the recommendation of another website I've been to, I've started putting together an exit strategy. I have to look out for me. If he is not going to take care of himself, he is certainly not going to take care of me or us. I hope it doesn't come to that but I at least need to be prepared. I am not going to be powerless to control my own life. I've learned the 3 C's- I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. There is a battle that needs to be fought but I am not the one that needs to fight it. I'll do anything I can to support my husband and be here to help him through this, but only if he is leading the charge. When he entered his rehab program he had to write a letter saying goodbye to crystal meth. Upon reading his letter, I felt compelled to write one of my own. It contains a bit of colorful language so I am not sure you will want to reprint it, but I will share it none the less.
Dear crystal meth,
I am writing this letter to say goodbye and a hearty F**K YOU. I never wanted you in my life and, yet, you found a way. slither in like the snake you are. You have done.nothing but take from me you selfish bitch. You took the trust I had for my husband. You took my security. You took countless hours of sleep. You took my happiness at home. That is what you do. You take. Get out of my life and stay the f**k out. You got your claws into my husband and they are now being ripped out. Every day going forward is going to be a day that I thankful you are gone but I know you are lurking in every dark shadow and around every corner so I will be watching for you. Because of you I have built walls around my heart that, over time, will be broken down. I will regain my feeling of love, trust and security and will ot give you the power to keep them from me. You were not invited into my life or home yet you found a way in. You have introduced me to a level and anger and disgust that I never knew was going to be possible in my life. I hate you. I hate everything about you. I will do everything in my power to make sure you never rear your ugly head again anywhere in my sphere of influence. Only time will tell what you have actually taken from me over the past 15 months but what I will tell you is that I am strong. We are strong. Steve and I will pick up the pieces and move past you and you will fade further into the distance every day. You mean nothing to me. F**k you and I do not wish you well. The world would be a better place without you. My life, my marriage and my future will be better with you gone.
Just another letter
Once I was a weekend warrior. I'd work hard and play hard. The way it is suppose to be right? Out of all the drugs I have had a run with there is only one that RAN me. It made me feel like I cheated at life. It was like winning the lottery and no matter what I did I felt it was easy and interesting. Sleep? I could rest when I was dead. Food? Waste of money that could go towards meth. In time it was peace out job, hobbies, family, friends, car, ect. This all interfered with meth. Meth, sex, meth, sex... meth, meth, meth. Sex eventually got in the way of meth. I couldn't get enough, I wouldn't stop thinking of it. Even when I did meth I thought about doing meth. How the f**k can that even be possible? I will do meth until I am sick, overdose and even when it isn't fun anymore. Sitting in a room for days with my ex girlfriend saying "shhh" every few seconds is not as awesome in hindsight. Sounds and lights are amplifying my paranoia; at least that is what the shadow people tell me. So many times I had to flip my pillow over due to tears (or vasoline haha). People close to me sometimes get their hair grabbed pulled off the couch and degraded into feeling less than nothing. Was I sorry? Only when I was coming down and needed money or someone to talk too. Meth has caused so much havok I wouldn't even know where to begin. I don't have enough time to write it and reading it won't show how bad it can get. Only to experience it and it still tells me to this day that I have it, when it has had me the whole time. I have become really good at quitting meth, around 20 times now. I just have to make my last time one to remember! But there is last times and then last lasts. Then last of the last lasts and eventually I quit. I am defeated; I can now begin my new life and it feels great. 8 days go by and next thing I know I have a bag in my hand. No problem I will just quit again in a few months. Maybe I do have it under control after all.
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