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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents


  My son uses meth. He lies to me about it all the time. He's been forced into treatment centers twice. He goes raving when he is high or coming down from a high. Last time he called the 911 and said I was dead and then ran 10 miles down the road while I was left trying to explain my son's behavior to paramedics and the fire department and police. I was horribly embarrassed. I worry he will become violent with me so I try not to get him upset. I cannot really talk to him. He is 27 years old now and living with me since he has no where else to live and no job. He is very smart and lies to everyone. The doctors can't treat him properly because he lies to them. I cannot do anything for him but watch and wait and try to keep him alive. He claims he hears voices all the time. They are nasty voices. And they never stop. And they tell him to do things. He is constantly fighting the voices. He is paranoid. He will not speak to anyone. He trusts no one. So he lies to everyone all the time. He cannot be trusted and he trusts no one. Doctors call it paranoid schizophrenia. We know it is caused by meth. Sometimes I cannot sleep because he is pacing the house. He paces a lot. He eats constantly and smokes cigarettes constantly. He buys beer if he has any money. He's in the hospital now. He was angry at me when I visited him yesterday. He doesn't remember what he did to get there. He doesn't have any Insurance so I don't know what I'm going to do with his medical bills. There is nothing I can do for him but watch. It's very hard to watch. The hardest thing I've ever experienced. My wife left me 6 years ago because she couldn't take it anymore. So it's just me and him. I'm betting he will die before I do. I don't know what he'll do if I die first. But none of this is really under my control. I'm just watching mostly and trying to remain calm. I am very afraid for my son. It's only a matter of time.... Thanks,
--John


The purpose and intent of these letters and stories is to discourage crystal meth and/or methamphetamine use.  If you, or someone you know, have been affected by crystal meth, please add your story so others may learn from your experience. We do not disclose personal information and edit out such when possible.  E-Mail letters to: kcimeth@yahoo.com

    I'm a 24yr old mother. I've been clean for about a year but I don't feel clean at all I feel disgusting. Even though I quit smoking meth my teeth still break and fall out frequently. I hate myself for ruining my body and my relationship with my family. I started smoking with my best friend in 2009 after a bad breakup I didnt wanna be alone and when you're able to get massive amounts of meth given to you, you're never alone. Always had a smoke buddy. Was usually my best friend. She was messin with the dope man so we had unlimited funds and unlimited dope. I thought I wasnt doing alot because i'd only use on weekends when my child was with her dad. But I was. I was short tempered and paranoid. We had cameras set up at her apt watching mine and hers. The cops visited her often. I was always glued to the window. Well here is where my party ended, my best friend was using pregnant we never talked about it. One day she went into labor in my car on the way back from the dopehouse. She refused to go to the hospital for 2 days then I forced her. I was in the room when the baby was born I watched the docs examine the baby she seemed ok. As I was feeding her her first bottle the nurse came in with the news that the baby was positive for meth and her baby would be taken. She immediatly had me sneak into her house get rid of everything bad and pack 2 bags for her other daughters and I had to go take pictures of them and send them with family.members before the state took them. When I got.in my car after that I cried and threw up I hurt so bad for those girls who were like my own. The next day I moved out of state. I've been clean since that day but I can't say the same for my friend. She's since delivered yet another meth baby and lost her. She lives in a garage now with no electricity no kids no $ no flat screens no more nice cars it's all gone. Except her addiction. If I could go back and say one thing to myself I'd say run! My teeth are rotting out of my head I'm fat my.metabolism is shot I still hear things I have anxiety attacks. And I only did it for a year. I've been too embarassed to tell my story. But it feels good to finally get it out. Sorry it was so long. Good luck if you want to quit I promise you can just get away from your triggers/"friends"
--D


   I had no idea there was an anti meth site on the Internet and accidently came across it while searching for answers because i have discovered my 51 year old brother is still chasing the Devil after 25 years. Aprox 8 years ago i found out he was losing everything he had, marriage, home, vehicals, job, and both adult sons were turning their backs on him.
I had only recently been educated on meth, crank, crystal addiction because of my relationship of 3 years, i was smart enough to get out of because of all the above signs previously mentioned. I read everything known about it in 2003 that was available, spoke to law officers, ministers, ex drug users, including my brother unknowing he himself had sold his soul, but soon found out all i had learned of meth...was trying to con me before my very eyes...he couldn't! It turned my brother against me, made me the fall guy for trying to ruin him and suddenly i was the cause of all his problems, failed marriages, job losses, etc...I washed my hands of him, knowing his madness would rule my life to if i allowed it to.
If i can stress anything to those victims of this devil chemical, know this...it will consume your life trying to help your loved one. It will steal, kill, and destroy you in an effort of your heart to help the addict recover. It is decietful!! Enabling is as deathly as the meth... to enable is to help them die!
Only recently I chose to contact my brother after years of estrangement. I knew he had a new women and seemed truly happy with his childhood sweetheart. We decided to spend some much needed brother/sister time right before Christmas, just last week. Well, to my horror i got an urgent message on facebook from his happy so called girlfriend, hes on the ice, never stopped and she actually thinks she can save him..
I decided to meet with him, he did not have a clue his gf had contaced me..I wanted so badly to believe he wasn't still chasing the devil, that somehow, someway he had beat it..but it was not to be. Right before my eyes i saw a paranoid, brain damaged, accusatory, shell of my brother. I want to say and stress after reading all the horror stories on this site, the chances are far greater for the devil to win, especially when there's always someone there to enable or feed their addictions. Unless by only the Grace of God, not a human will there be a release from the pits of hell. As far as my relationship with my brother, it is once again all my fault for his misery when i refused to not believe his stories of all those who did him wrong! So sad, i walked away again, told him i loved him, told him if he ever wanted help i would walk through the fire with him but will NEVER watch him die! He hates me again!
--DL


Dear Son,
    I write this letter with a heavy heart. 24 years ago when they put you in my arms, there was no greater love or joy I had ever felt before. What a precious baby you were, and forever changed my life. Pure love ia what I felt, and what a wonderful feeling it is to have that. And I still love you so much as only a mother can. But for the past ten years I have not liked you. The love is there, but since you started using and lying, it's been hard to like you. I worry and stress evert time you lave the house. I worry for your life. I'm scared you will die or be killed because or wher you go and the people you come in contact with.
When you were in High School, I tried eveything. But you did whatever you wanted no matter how hard I tried to stop you. I get thoses GUT feelings (mothers intuitions) so strong when somethings not right, and you know they are spot on every time. I have made myself sick. Trying to take care of 2 boys and your grandmother. While your dad worked so hard, so I could be a stay at home mom. So in a sense you and your brother were my job. And I would of had it no other way. But the worry you gave me and your grandmother was severe and took a toll on both of us.
    Then after you graduated, and left home without telling us any thing, that really hurt. But it only lasted 6 days, then you got your first DWI, we came  and got you out of jail and brought you back home. You went to work with your dad. For me it was a much needed break from worrying every day. Ya'll would be gone for 10 days, and for the first time in a long time I had some peace. Until days off came, then every time you went out I stressed. Not I see how hard it was for your dad, to have to be your boss, and deal with your drinking and using out of town. All of your miss doings have cause me and your dad problems at home with our lives. Then you got fired, and you were back with me 24 7. With you not having a job or money, you got worse. I know you have not used meth for a month or a little more. But you're thinking became illogical, you told me you could talk to people with yor brain and they talked back to you. Scared me to death. I fear for your life, I love you so much and want you to have a life. A happy life without drugs and alcohol. Because I see that they are poison toyou. You use to be a happy person with goals. But since you took the path you have been on way to long, you have not been our son we know. Even though you paid for all yor DWI, Attorney fees and all, you did not learn from you mistakes. I have spent so many sleepless nights and days crying, not being able to eat, or even have time to worry about your brother, which is not fare to him.
    I am very proud of you for agreeing to take this step into recovery for 30 days, makes me know that you know you have a problem. You were a wonderful good looking smart young man, but you seem to still be a boy, when it is time to be a man. You know the right choices to make, yo are a lot stronger than you think and I know you can break this horrible cycle your on. I want the old you back, the happy,loving,laughing guy that loves animals and all people. He's still in there: I get glimpses every now and then. This family need to heal, and you are a large part of that. You know you dad and I will always love and be ther for you. But you have to help yourself. We cannot continue to live the way we have for so long. As lon as you stay clean and sober you always have a home with us, until you are able and ready to go forth with your own life. But unless you change you are going to either go to jail, live on the streets or die. Anyone of those would scr my heart forever. But you have to be the one that want something better than tis life you have been leading. I believe in you. You can do this.
With all the love in my heart,
--MOM


 

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