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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents


   I begged you. Back when we had a better chance, before you let me go, before you decided that you didn't want me anymore, I begged you to please fight. Fight for us, fight for what we had. Fight for yourself, for the man inside of you that I know. For the man that is so much better than all of your bad decisions. I wish you could see yourself the way that I see you. I wish you could love yourself the way I love you. And I am so sorry, I am sorry I didn't catch on fast enough - that I didn't do more, that I didn't fight harder, because it was both of our lives on the line, and I should have fought harder. Because no matter how hard I thought I was trying, there were things I could have done better. I'm sorry. And I hate your drug. I HATE IT. I hate it so much I sometimes pretend it is a person so I can imagine killing it. Because it is the worst thing that ever happened - it is the worst thing in the world, because it took you from me. I want you to know that I will always love you. The only funny thing about this whole ending for us is that now I can say, that I have seen you at the bottom, I have seen you at your worst, I can look at everything bad that you have done to me, and to yourself, and I can say, with all honesty, that I still love you. That I know 100% you are still worth loving. And I will always love you and I will always be there if you need someone to help you climb out of that darkness, no matter what happens to us. Because I know you, and your drug and your bad decisions are not your sum. And you will always have me. And if anyone reads this, I just want them to know and understand that there is an amazing man out there and it is awful that he doesn't know it, and it is terrible that he can't see how much he has inside of him that is good and wonderful and worth protecting and he deserves better than what he is giving himself. And if he has trouble pointing out what he has done that proves this, he should look at me - because however bad he thinks he hurt me, the truth is he gave me so much more - he gave me years of love and happiness and comfort and he made me the person I am today. He took care of me, he protected me all those years, even from himself. He is locked away and at war with himself and I don't know who will win. But, he is there, and he is a good man, and I will always be an advocate for his goodness and heart. (And I can't tell you now, I can't tell you because you're probably in the middle of a multiple day high, higher than you have ever been since I have known you, now that you are at the bottom, but thank you. I don't agree with your decision. I don't agree with your decision to let me go, to push me away, and I would stay with you if you gave me that option, but I know that that was you trying to do the right thing, trying to take care of me one last time. So I don't agree, but thank you. )
--Eb

The purpose and intent of these letters and stories is to discourage crystal meth and/or methamphetamine use.  If you, or someone you know, have been affected by crystal meth, please add your story so others may learn from your experience. We do not disclose personal information and edit out such when possible.  E-Mail letters to: kcimeth@yahoo.com

   Hi i am 15 and live in CA and im currently going to school and i started using meth not too long ago its not a habit yet but i dont want it to become a habit i do not want to get addicted to it, it would destroy everything my whole life my education my career! I havent over done it yet but it makes me feel so happy it feels good to be on it. It all started with my friends and yes im currently still doing it, not much but i am. I want to stop because i dont want my life to be ruined i dont want to be like those other people there life ruined! I want to stop but i cant it makes me feel good and helps me escape reality it makes me feel like if im wanted and cared for and im here in life for a reason. I havent gotten addicted to the point where i need it to survive and my body needs it im still a little healthy but not as much as before. I know i just need to stop before it gets worse and before more people, like my family get hurt! I admit i probably do need help.
--May


   I have not used meth for 7 years now, but for the past 7 years I have been very unhappy. It is so hard to smile let alone laugh. I have severe anxiety about everything. I get frustrated easily. I am incapable of making friends. I have not had one day that I can just be happy and most of the time I just feel lifeless. I have a 16 month old son and I need help. Is there any type of medication out there that can help me. I cant even be around a big group of people (even if I know them), it makes me feel like I am suffocating and than I go into a panic attack. I get easily frustrated with my son and he annoys the crap out of me all the time. I don’t want this. I know who I am but for some reason I can’t be that person, no matter how hard I try. I live IA and if there is some kind of doctor around here that you guys know about, it would be very helpful. I am not being the mother that I can be and the wife that I can be. I can tell that I am already pushing my son away and my marriage is pure chaos. Please help.
--Kate


My life as a Meth user...
   Hi everyone my named is danny and am 23years old and I started using. Meth two years ago those two years were my worst. I when through. A lot off things I was happy together with my boyfriend. Jessi we have a 4-year old boy his name David which is the most cute chubby boy well getting. To my point we were the perfect family we had our own place I jade everything I want but one day I saw my self lost in the life of Meth I lost everything I be life by my self with a friend we used. To get high everyday non stop I did not care about. No one but my self. And losing. The weight I thing that I wouldn't fell lonely nothing would NT happened I regret. So much. Everything. I did but I've learned so much from my mistakes that if could return the. Past I would do it to not do the roung chose nothing is the same am clean for 4months its hard. For me in a way that I don't think in the drug but my family is always bring stupid comments but I ignore I just whant to let all Meth user out there life is beatiful to be waisting our life its never too late to start a new life with. No drug in your bodys if u have a friend,sister, wife that use Meth help then give. Hand don't let them give then a hug and tell them everything. Is going. To be ok show them love make them. Feel safe let them know that your there. For then stay away from that black hole that we thing is never going to end Meth is the worst drug u could do its the devil don't loss everything for that well I hope I make sense everything is possible do it for your own good.
--danny


Been there, done that...
   It has been 7 years since I quit Meth. I turned my life around. When I started using meth I converted to Buddhism. I continued using Meth for the next year and half. If it were not for my Buddhist practice I don't believe I would be here right now. My practice teaches us that all the negative causes you make in your life, will always bring you misery. My entire life was in total disarray. I was blaming everyone for my problems, it was everyone's fault that my life was the way it was. One day I made a call to my younger sister. I told her what I was doing. I didn't realize how much that hurt her until I got a call from my older sister, who drilled me a new butthole! I deserved it, but at that very moment I thought to myself, "what am I doing?" "how could I ever hurt my family" I started attending all my Buddhist meetings again and started chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo to change my life and show proof of my Buddhist practice that I can do it. I pulled my entire life away from these "friends" I had, and have never contacted them again. I run into 1 or 2 every once in a while, and wow, they haven't changed. They're still living in the world of misery.I on the other hand, started going to the gym, eating great, and let me tell you, not to toot my own horn, but I look hot!! :) My new friends don't do drugs and I don't allow it in my life. Last year I was in a relationship with someone I really loved. I asked him if he did drugs and told me he liked coke. I grinned and told him that I don't accept that, he in turn said that he would never put a relationship in front of drugs...LOL..He DID!! When I found out he was doing drugs, I got all his shit and threw out in the street. He came and got it, it probably wasn't the mature thing to do, but let me tell you, it felt great!! I've been there, and done that! And I'm not going back! I'm done with the paranoia, the voices, the picking at my flesh, the hallucinations,and not respecting my family, true friends, and more important, me.In Buddhism, anyone can change, you just have to know it and believe it. Take responsibility! Thank you!
--Antonio


Detaching from a meth user
   I was also a user when we meet. I lost my oldest son to his dad cuz of drugs. But The Guy I be been with for 8 yes is an addict in many ways. Beer mostly. And weed. Then when he eats too much its Meth. I can't stand the way he has become.  And I am making a Beyer life for myself without him.  I just have to let go. Cause he is doing more harm than go for our  son and my daughter. So make the best choice for yourself.  Cause if he is not ready to change you can't make him at all. They will all be lies.
--Ak


My Meth Story
    How can I describe the horror my meth used caused myself, my family and anyone I ran into? I gave up a nice office job for meth, I stopped paying rent and blew off my landlord because I needed to get spun day in and day out. I found females who would prostitute themselves for meth and let them stay with me so I could get high too, and then I decided to cut out the middle man and started offering myself to the highest bidder. I called my mom to come get me one night, then had her driving and waiting in different spots for almost two hours because I was convince some secret government agency was about to take me in and I wanted to make sure someone else saw it happen. I found myself in increasingly worse situations, from "party and play" situations to straight out tweeking for weeks on end, holding people hostage, ready to kill them if necessary to protect my own freedom. My own thoughts became my worst enemy. I have struggled with many addictions over the span of my life, including a very debilitating run of almost 2 years with crack cocaine. Meth is 100 times worse than anything I have ever put into my body. I am not a unique case. Meth ruins lives, it eats away at your brain, your body and your soul. I felt like something less than human while I was on meth, in all honesty I was. My humanness was gone, all that was life was a night creature intent on getting and staying spun until it's body simply shut down for a couple of days and forced rest. Then it was time to do it all over again. There is nothing good about meth.Meth did not do those things to me over a period of years, it was only eight months of using before I gave up.  I am recovered from my meth addiction now, thanks to 12 step recovery programs. I still go to meetings, work with others, and have found a spiritual basis for living. Somehow my mind has recovered from the damage meth did to it. At the end of my using days I was 115 lbs (barely), had induced drug psychosis (paranoia schizophrenia and other mental illnesses) and was not looking for a better life, I just did not want to die. I am one of the very lucky few and I know it. Most hard-core meth addicts do not recover, most lose themselves forever. To those who suffer from the addiction or the families of those afflicted I can only say my heart and prayers go out to you. In the end the only that saved me was once last attempt to not die a junkie, I did not know if it was possible, addictions to substances had ruled my life since I was 14 and I was just about to turn 30. Today I am almost 24 months (2 years clean from Meth), I am rebuilding my life, going to college and becoming involved in leadership programs because I know today my experiences and history may just be the key to helping someone else break free from whatever addiction is holding them down.
--Phil


Index of Stories & Letter
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