and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents
Wonderful Family Going Through Hell
My older brother has been a meth addict for 10 years now. My family has went through hell, but for some reason they have not given up hope just yet. I am 24 years old. My brother is 27. When will it stop? Is it going to ever stop? When will my parents have peace? My mother is in her late 40's and my father is in his early 50's. This is the time my parents should be happy, living healthy, and having fun. My brother and I were raised to be great people. Hard working and genuine. We grew up in a small town on a little farm in south western Oklahoma. It is now 2012. Where has the time went??? He started with pot and alcohol like most people do. To make a long story short, he was in his first rehab in 2004....for smoking meth (ice, crank) or whatever they call that demon shit. He was supposed to go for 90 days. We got a call from the rehab facility stating that my brother was getting kicked out for trying to get drunk off of mouth wash. What we came to find out was that in his first rehab he was in was the very first time he shot up crystal meth. He didnt do it himself though because he was scared, (this is what he told me) someone else stuck the needle in for him. Well whatever. time goes on and on. He would get clean, the relapse, clean the relapse, clean then relapse. He has been in 7 different rehabs, jail 3 times for possesion of a controlled dangerous substance. The only reason he hasnt served time in jail yet is because of lawyers and rehabs. He does have a felony on his record. Shit he should have something for getting caught so many times. We still arent in peace yet. I just hate this so much because he was so intelligent. He should have been a doctor, engineer, or a lawyer. But instead, he made a dumb decision that got him hooked and took his soul. He hasnt been the same since. He has lied, stolen thousands of dollars and items, chased my mother and I out of the house with a gun, tore up our entire house, and much more. I could go on and on. He also has a gambling and alcohol addiction. He will abuse any type of substance he can get his hands on. When he is clean, he is a good person. But I know deep down he is always thinking about meth. We are encouraging to him when he is clean and try hard not to bring up the wrong that he has done. We want so bad for him to be back to the wonderful and inelligent person that he was. He is fried. GONE. He isnt here anymore. His body is, but his brain isnt. Anyways....Today is February 8, 2012. He has been shooting meth again September of 2011. He went to detox on Sunday (Feb 5) but what good is it going to do?? my parents just found out today that he stole their checks and forged their signature for over $4,0000. I just dunno what is going to happen. I love my brother with all of my heart. I just want my parents to be in peace. They are mentally and physically exhausted and he is killing them more and more everyday. It has helped writing this letter. I used to look at this website back in 2005. I never thought I would write a letter to it 7 years later. I could go on and on but im going to stop. They say to treat drug addicts just as you would cancer patients and to never give up. Honestly I am ready to give up. Its time for us to be in peace.
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I have read the postings and letters from people going through heart ache over loved ones who's lives have been torn apart from meth and drugs. It has helped me seeing so many people going through what I am going through but at the same time, it is so sad that meth has destroyed so many people.
I am an enabler. I guess the enabling started with my oldest son's high school days. I am now 54. My marriage ended in 93. I have been single ever since. I am attractive but have lost my self esteem, lost desire and hope of me being happy, or falling in love again. My enabling has consumed me. I have three sons. All are on drugs. My youngest, he always worked, and was the most responsible in his life. In the last year, I found out he is a heroin addict. I thought he would never turn to drugs. He still remains self supportive and still works. But it was a shock and broke my heart to find this out.
My middle son, I enabled him and allowed him to live with me for years, not working, getting high and coming home to me, to support him. He has a son, and my grandson is so special to me. My grandson is now 12 and I am now trying to protect him from being let down by his parents. Both his parents are on meth, my grandson lives with me now and he is a joy. So I finally quit enabling my middle son and he lives with his girlfriend. He does not take any responsibility for his son though. My grandsons mother does, she has him about 3 nights a week and she is trying to get a job.
Recently my oldest son, who supported himself by dealing drugs, decided he wants no more of that life style. He supported himself by drug dealing for about 16 years. He quit dealing, lost him home,went psychotic and is now living with me. I had to have him put into mental hospital two times. He was diagnosed with methamphetamine psychosis . This all started in November of 2011. I told myself I had to help him. He was released to me, he was on medication that made him very calm, very loving and I felt I had my son back. He chose not to continue the medication. He lives with me, then he goes to his old friends, get high, comes home and paces, constantly rambling, his leg moves all the time, even in his sleep. It is beginning to make me so stressed out I feel I am on the verge of tears all the time.
I feel like I am on a roller coaster, one minute he is fine, then he is driving me crazy. He recently became a believer in Jesus Christ. Has truly accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior. Before you could not speak to him about religion and this is a huge change for the good, but it is mixed with him still getting high, him thinking he has to save his old friends and he just seems to be getting worse. I could go on and on but the point is, I feel like he is a child, like he has no clue about life or how to make it in life making it very hard for me to make him leave. Allowing him to stay is showing him he can continue getting high, hanging out with his old crowd and then come home to Mom to eat and sleep and talk non stop and expect me to drop what I am doing and listen to him talk crazy talk.
I have told him he is going to be on the street soon if he doesn't show me some kind of positive change. His friends, who he goes to and gets high, they want nothing to do with him once he is high because he is over whelming, they send him away. If I turn him away, he will be in the street. I told him about the salvation army rehab, about teen challenge and even to start with a 12 step program, he thinks he does not need any of that. I feel like sending him away is like sending a child out to the street. On the other hand, if he stays, I will be stressed all the time, and have no life of my own.
I think the right thing to do is make him leave and give him to God. This is bigger than me.
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