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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents


My only child – how do I get my daughter back?
    April 23, 2013 ... I have just learned that my daughter has relapsed back into meth. She will be 22 in May :(. She is so beautiful and has her whole life in front of her but she wants to kill herself with this drug. She is my only child and I feel like I have lost her with no hope of getting her back. I want so badly to help her but right now she won’t admit it to me, she lies, and then tried to make me think I am just overacting. She will text and say “she is ok” but I have no idea where she is at, who she is with, how she is living without a car or a job. I have reached out to her numerous times and let her know that she can come home if she follows the house rules, will sit down and write some goals for her future which I will help her with, and agree to go to some type of counseling. Even if it’s just a counselor but she won’t come home.
    She went to the Dr. last week and has a kidney infection, this is the second one. The last time she got into this about 8 months ago I watched her go from 130 lbs. to about 95 lbs. She had moved from SLC to Vegas with her boyfriend. Just weeks before that she ended up with a broken jaw and had to have her mouth wired shut for 30 days. “She fell.” Yeah right. While in Vegas I got calls from the hospital saying she was hooked up to IV antibiotics with a kidney infection.
    I finally got her to agree to come back to Utah so I drove out and picked her up. The boyfriend went to jail which was good and she got off the meth. But now for some reason she has gone back to it. She has family that love her and will help her but I don’t get why she won’t take the help???
I try to talk to my husband about it for support but he usually just gets mad that she is hurting me, plus he is over-the-road most of the time which leaves me completely alone. So I just try to keep my depression to myself. I don't talk to anyone at work about it for obvious reasons, who wants to hear about a meth addict child? Then they just feel sorry for you and wonder what you did to have your child turn out on meth. It makes me feel like I have failed in life, failed at the most important thing in life. Being a Mother.
    Everyone else’s kids are going to college and doing so well in life. It is the biggest nightmare to have this happen to my daughter. You never think it will happen to your family. She is my only child and I am just devastated. I feel like I am mourning my daughter because I don't know if I will ever get her back. And from what I have learned about meth, even if you do get them back, they will not be the same along with the physical damage. I just don't understand.
A friend of hers just sent me a private message on FaceBook letting me know she thought she was into the meth again and that she was extremely concerned for her health and safety. Said she didn’t want to see her end up dead and that she hoped I could help her. She of course made me promise not to tell my daughter that she said anything.
    I have nightmares of her ending up dead…that’s when I do get sleep…which is about 3 hours a night! I fear a phone call from police or the hospital. I keep her bedroom door closed because I just can’t handle looking in there and remembering the daughter that was happy and healthy. My beautiful little girl. When she graduated high school she was so happy. She had her whole life ahead of her…and then took this road shortly after. I don’t understand why? I look at pictures of her and can see the change. My husband says this is the life she had chosen which makes me feel like I am just supposed to give up on her. But I can’t! I can’t give up on her. I feel like he doesn’t understand my pain.
    I cannot go through that as a Mother. I feel like I am dying along with her. It’s on my mind 24/7. How do you even have a conversation with people when it usually starts out with “How are you? Did you have a good weekend?” Well I’m miserably depressed and feared for my daughter’s life all weekend wondering where she is. Yeah, that makes for great conversation. I just feel so alone and don’t know how to deal with this pain and emptiness in my heart.
--Sandi

The purpose and intent of these letters and stories is to discourage crystal meth and/or methamphetamine use.  If you, or someone you know, have been affected by crystal meth, please add your story so others may learn from your experience. We do not disclose personal information and edit out such when possible.  E-Mail letters to: kcimeth@yahoo.com

I am an addict an I know that now
    Hi, I have been using TIK for more than 4 years on a daily basis. I need help!! I am involved in a abusive relationship for longer than 10 years and as I read on your website its not the fear of quitting the actual drug its the "real life" kick back in that's more scary.
I am suffering in silence as no one knows about my addiction as I hide it very well. It has consumed my feelings, my relationship, my self a steam, my sex life it has destroyed it all. I was mislead by this drug in thinking ag its ok to use it I can control it, thinking I must and will only use it every weekend but I was so wrong in believing that, it now has a grip on me so strong that I have to use it everyday other wise I won't be able to cope with real life.
But deep inside me I can feel it that its time to stop, the time has come! Life is there to live and much more fun than looking for a quiet corner to smoke this stuff.
I am praying for us all to have the courage and strength to kick this habbit. And I know by sending this letter to you it is already my first step in recovery. Thank you
--Jk


   Im a 16 year old high school girl. The beginning of my freshman year I had only smoked pot a couple times and never touched cigarettes because I knew how bad and pointless they were, though soon around my 15th birthday in March I started to smoke cigarettes, and the next month in April I tried Meth for my first time. Before I had even smoked cigarettes i would've never even of thought of touching Meth! To be honest i was afraid of it, my school in the 5th grade made me watch a documentary about it because the Meth became such a huge problem in Oregon. I remember when i was little I thought to get high on the drug you had to cut open your wrist and stick the crystals inside. This sounds silly and ridiculous but thats what I thought, I was not educated so i had no clue what the consequences of using were, soon I found out. By the end of my freshman year i was using every weekend, and once the summer started I knew nothing was gonna stop me from trying to get high every day. I wasted that whole summer losing my self. I remember looking horrible and pale because i would not eat for days, i remember hearing the milk i drank pour into my stomach after 4 days of not eating and only drinking water. I kept my morals though, I never stole anything for the drug nor did i sell my self to get the drug. I also never have shot up because I knew i would never be able to stop if i did. I tweaked for 8 months straight, and finally i stopped on Decmber 5th, 2012 i have not used since then, and feel great! But every day i think about Meth, and crave it, but the longer i stay off it the more it encourages me to keep going.
--N


   I'll try to make this a short story about what meth has done to me. I was with the man I love for over 20 years and the last additional 1 and a half yrs have been horrible. He did some time in prison and I was loyal to him in(most of our relationship while he was gone) and out of him serving time. He went in not even touching a cigarette. Came out experimenting with weed, cocaine and extacy (yes in prison). Still I did not think it was anything long term or that he could not let go of. Weed was a habit I thought but then he explained in the call to a help line that he wanted more of a high. Ititally he started his odd behavior after his use of bath salts, accusing me of cheating seeing and hearing things that were not there. He eventually left the house I worked hard to get on my own for us to live in together and start a family. It was all because of hallucinations that started with bath salts. Bath Salts were taken off the market and that's when he started using Meth. He was on the phone with a drug hotline with me next to him ,told the counselor that. It was the first time I heard him admit that. I thought it was a turn for the better but i was wrong. He continued to think that I was now this untrustful person. He was away at a rehab when the bath salts were around and no one knew how bad they were for people. He had my laptop and said he saw all kinds of files I had hidden from when he was away at prison. I guess sites or pictures/or as he said "hidden files" that made me look like the cheater he thought I was (? i was so taken back by this), really his hallucinations. I've read electrionic things , phone, tv, computers intrigue some one one Meth. Still being with him for so long I suffered through accusations, violence and mood swings. I read about schizophrenics and thought this has got to be what is happening to him, his actions were similar. This roller coaster was continuious and I know when he 1st left "our" home he ending up living with a horrible lady who also did Meth and I could not even stomach the thought he left basically with no reason but what the drugs ( what he let ) drugs do to him and his morals. I am not judgemental but I was and understandably so hurt that he started other relationships ( if we can even call it that). I knew the one thing this other person had was the drugs and I would not be going there. He'd come back to me admitting his mistakes wanting to work it out , wanted to get help ( as I begged him to get) but then a day or 2 or more would go by and nothing would change. We'd have a few days of "honeymoon" stage then he'd do something stupid like take money from me , leave and say he was getting work but really going to get high. Then he'd return and my being upset about money or his time away would put him on the defensive side and I'd pray for him to leave and stop stressing me out. He'd leave I'd worry. I'd leave to give him time to figure out what to do and he'd say I have someone on the side. Still going along with his original hallucination or mistrust that I'm doing him wrong and won't admit it.
..Well soo sorry for rambling. When a loved ones life changes and you feel your hands are tied all you do is worry or stress, pray and hope. Thanks for listening. I have been away from him and I'd like to keep it that way. I can be manipulated by him and lately that's all I think our contact will be. It's the hardest thing in life and I feel like a hypocrite telling friends he's getting help. I feel i enable but know he does not have ppl to fall back on and worry that he'll be on the streets. Take care!
--m


My Letter
    November twenty 9th, the day I left you and a piece of my heart. I hugged you, smelled you, I never wanted your arms to let go of me, as you sat there with me, both crying, on our favorite porch that we both love. Now wet and rainy and dark we cry and hold onto each other tight because we know it will hurt so badly to say goodbye. My parents were waiting and I hurt so bad that my fight or flight had taken over and it walked me away from you.
    My heart ached, literally, felt black and blue hurting for your pain and the loss. The loss of a beautiful soul who wanted love and to be loved and couldn't see the love beaming off of me. I hurt for the innocent child, that longed for love and stability. I hurt for the man that I love. I hurt because my love wasnt enough. If only you could have seen what I saw in you and still do. It may never make any sense to me why our love didn't prevail.
    But, you left. You keep wanting to say that I left you, but you left me. You betrayed me and lied to me. I thought I knew you. I always thought that I saw you and into your soul. I saw your flaws but I wasn't looking at them, I was looking to you. Inside I saw you as a lover. You had the biggest heart, I sometimes wasn't sure if anyone could ever love and accept me the way you had. You felt so right to me, so comfortable. I felt like I had known you forever. I also saw so much pain in your eyes.. I wanted you to be happy and I wanted to show you how much I appreciated you.
    Where did you go? What happened? Why would you be so stupid. I honestly still cannot believe what you did. Even as I sit here in my parents house with my stuff scattered about, I cannot truly believe that YOU did this. You lied to me and you thought I wouldn't find out? You actually smoked meth out of a crack pipe in the house that I poured my heart and soul into for us. I wanted us to be on our own. I wanted us to experience life and grow up together. Through our whole relationship I went to school and worked. I did that because I cared what my future was. Why couldn't you do anything to help and contribute other than mess it all up? I took pride in our house and was in love with the fact that through all our bullshit, we had made it this far. I believed that you could do it. But you didn't. You let me down. You said you wanted all the same things, you said you were going to work hard. Instead you worked hard on getting pills, drunk, or high. It's so pathetic. I know that you have gone through a lot of hard times but honestly who hasn't? It's not an excuse to completely self destruct. All the stupid lies, all the hidden and empty alcohol bottles, the emergency room waits so that you could lie to doctors, nurses and I that you were in so much pain, the empty gestures so that you could later make me feel bad that you went out of your way, all the fights that ruined most holidays, your crack pipes in my house, the hole you carved in the guest bathroom to hide your nasty habit, the lines you left on the counter from you crushing up meth with your razor blade you hid, all the random lighters you thought I didn't notice in and out of the bathroom all the time, the mirror you kept taking off the wall and into the bathroom, all your projects, all the time I wasted waiting for you bc you were too high to get it together so we could go anywhere on time, all the friends you lost, your crazy mom that your obsessed with but have no respect for, your ego you are posting all over Facebook, all the mean shit you said to me, all your excuses ...I saw it all, with every red flag I gave you the benefit of the doubt. You are lucky I put up with your shit for as long as I did. Now I am cleansing my soul of all your negative. I refuse to become toxic with you. I have worked way to hard to throw it all away for you or anyone. My life matters to me. I'm sorry that you can't see that yours matters to. Your just wasting your life, talent, health, mind, body and soul, because you are too big of a baby to confront your feelings. You think it's easier to kill yourself slowly and hurt everyone you love in the process. I am growing up with or without you because I am worthy.
--Laura



A struggle
    I have been dealing with my significant other for about 6yrs using this drug, that kills u alive, and not only him but also the family. It was lie after lie, nonsense after nonsense..it was hurting me big because it was two people in one body! The person whom i fell in love to another extreme of a horrific person. All i have to say is F**K METH, U DESTROY FAMILIES, LOVE ONES AND INNOCENT KIDS... AND FOR ALL U DEALERS- MAY GOD HELP U!!!
--Jackie



Will meth change mental and person forever
    My daughter used to be highly successful. She abondon four children with no reguard to their emotions or well being. We do not know this person she is now. She shows her I.v. marks as an ego boast. Her words and beliefs are bizzar. She is violent. Extreme mood shifts at any given moment. Statements are bizzar. Her reality is not real to current life shift. No remorse for affects on childrens emotions. Orphaned four children. We do not know if this will be her mental state permenently. States she only uses meth when depressed. Attempted suicide. Dangerous exposure to std and hep. C. Dangerous sexual behavior. Terroristic threats to family and friends. All four children are emotionally ill. One child has severe emotional diagnosis. She also dismissed childs emotional damage and treatment for child. Family is not sure if she will remain with a complete personality change of if can be treated and resume as she was. Extreme mood changes. Extreme anger out bursts. Homeless. Goals are same for yrs with no success and goals never change. Family and children have no idea how to put closure and move on. Abuser had full knowlege of affects and dangers of meth use. Family has no understanding to why she made choice to use via I.v. or smoke knowing she is educated and knows or knew dangers involved. Family has no idea where to pick up and move on with life in order to put closure and resume our lifes. All her children are extremely emotional and have hope in user after yrs of countless failed treatment for meth user. She shows no remorse for actions or words. Had children sleeping in vehicle and bad environments with meth smoke exposure. After family abd children services involvement children are safe with family. She is only interested in relationship with child diagnosed with emotional disabilitys and behavior disorders. Family is struggling to find solution. Our beliefs are meth user ruined successful career. She is a chronic user and makes it in un sterile environment and shares I.v. she is a chronic liar and don't display concern for familys pain and dispare. Caused financial distruction to parents. Steals all kind of items. Lost all her furniture. Kids.family. extreme mood shifts. New personality is not her. Family feels hopeless she can recover.is there hope or treatment? Can she heal and be a mother again? Grieving mother,
--Suzie, Mother and grandmother



My Story…Ready for change
    By just looking at someone, noone can ever really know what that person has been through.... People tend to judge people by their looks or by what they think defines them.... I am a 24 year old single mother, and every day I battle my 7 year addiction to meth.
I started using at 17- just another party scene... But it didnt take long or me to realize that this drug was unlike any other I had ever encountered... This drug would take my life. And it has. I went from snorting to smoking... to shooting up... My life will never be the same again...
But today, I can walk with my head held high.. .because I know more today than I did yesterday... I know what I want not only for myself, but for my daughter. And I know that these are things I cannot get while under the influence of this disasterous drug. Not a day goes by that I dont want to use, and I know that at only 24 yeaers old, my struggle is only just beginning... But i know that for today, I am clean. and that is all that matters. So for the many out there struggling the same battle I am today... know that you are not along and although we cannot take back what has already been done, we can strive to better ourselves.
So keep your head up and know that there is a better tomorrow.
--Marissa



Some hope for the suffering
    Hi I wish to keep myself anonymous but want to share my story to help others who suffered or am suffering the consequences of meth addiction. I am a 24 year old nursing student and this is a piece of one of the most trying times of my life. A bit about my background...I come from a traditional family who put me through Catholic schooling all my life (i was pretty sheltered). at the age of 7-8 i was molested by multiple family members and when i tried telling my parents they did not take me seriously and told me i made this up in my head...i didnt know how this would effect my teens years and early adult life but boy it did. i partied hard...did E...would stay out late or not come home..I justified these actions with doing extremely well in school...It got to the point i was doing E a few times a week every week for 2-3 years...it was my escape. At that point i did not think i had a problem at all. I met my significant other at school. he was 5 years older than me. we clicked on every aspect..he accepted me and didnt judge me for my past. and i did not judge him for his past (he came out of a mentally abusive 5 year marriage with 2 children). We got into the House scene (music) and did E all the time....i did not know his dark secret until about 6 months into the relationship. When i did figure it out....our 2.5 year relationship consisted of fighting daily, jail visits, cheating, porn, near death experiences, and everything else that came with that. A quick background story on the significant other: his parents were not married and his father passed when he was 12. From our many talks, he states that this is the reason he fell into a life of drugs...to deal with his emotions. This is an email I wrote to him the day I left to go home to check myself into rehab. My story is a story of 2 broken people who loved each other very much but couldnt love each other healthily due very traumatic experiences in their younger life which lead to a life of drugs. I hope my story is a story of hope for individuals or couples to keep fighting for what they truly want. LOVE is stronger than meth..whether it be for yourself, for family, or your significant other. BELIEVE.


dear babe.,
    so much has happened within the 2 and half years we've been together. how can something so real, pure, and beautiful be so volatile and hurtful. how and when did we fall? when did the love start to fade? why did we let us get this way? you had always promised to be my protector and we had promised that we'd never let anything happen to us...you were my soulmate. i really believed that it was you and me against the world...we were the envy of everyone...no two people could understand each other anymore than we did. if someone had told us that this is where our story ends we would of laughed in disbelief. i had never cared for another human being as much as i cared for you...i had never hurt so much for someone as i did for you...i had never love another as much as i loved you...
the way we met...was definitely not the way i thought we would meet. it brings a smile to my face when i sometimes think of how we met. i wasn't the type of person to had done that and neither were you but once we met we were inseparable. i had never ever had so much laughter with someone...we would talk about anything and everything for hours...when we laughed it would hurt so bad...i had never been so entirely happy in my life. it scared me how soon i started to fall for you...but i didn't care..it felt too right...the more we hung out the more i hunger the next time we would spend time together...it was like finding someone who understood every crazy/funny/weird/ idea you had in your head but would never say out loud. i tell you from time to time..i love the difficulty of the beginning months...us playing little games with each other...me always trying to get you to have sex with me lol...within the first month of knowing each other we went to vegas with each other and had a talk...that forever changed my life..and made me realize that wow...maybe it is possible to find a loving..caring..guy..someone who accepts me for me..with my past and flaws..during the beginning months we went to alot of house parties and i was totally excited because it was a whole new world of music i had never been introduced to...you and i had fallen deeper and deeper in love with each other and the music..it was amazing..something i miss even til this day...our love was real...and had been enhanced by e...we spent so many nights awake talking about our pasts...present...and future...it was as though we had known each other all our lives. i never knew how you really felt about me...and my insecurity caused me to stray..and i will always be sorry for that..but it made me realize then and there how much i loved you and that i wanted us to be together...the partying and e did get crazy..i started to see a darker side of the house party scene...i was scared and yet amazed due to my curiosity..but i knew that i would be ok as long as you were there...then...things were getting darker...i found out about the warrants because you ducked and hid beside your bed because a police officer came to tell us your backyard was on fire...you began to sleep during the day...your phone would be off..you wouldnt respond..when we spent time together you started to fall asleep...or you would start talking about nonsense...
    the partying got too crazy for me and i had known that...at that point i was too in love with you..because it endangered my schooling..things at home...so i left...although i missed you it was easier then to leave..and i probably should of left it at that..who knows what the outcome or where we would be now..but i had miss your company so i decided to hang again...the love and chemistry was still there and stronger than ever..so we got back together...things were really good...then..the crazy talk and the sleeping for long hours came..and the phone not on because it ran out of batteries..and i would find the pipe and you would tell me its from a long time ago..and i..naive..believed you because i never thought you would be able to lie to me...later on i would find the pipe from time to time..but i believed whatever you said..the day we went clubbing was probably what i felt was the worst day of my life...we had rolled and you were so sleepy..but you said you were ok to drive home..then i got the text...you got into an accident..my heart sank..i called..texted..and no response..i thought for some reason you just maybe didnt want to talk to me anymore...your mom had told me the news that..you crashed the car and drugs were found..i felt so bad because i had wanted the e..i didn't know where you were but spent what felt like forever calling every jail to find where you were...you were at buena park..when i found out..there was only 45 minutes of visiting left..so i booked it..when i got there your parents were there and i was going to tell them that it was mine..but your mom beat me to it and told me a pipe was found...i knew...then and there...you had..lied..from the beginning..i went in the room to visit..you were soo tired...it was heart wrenching to see you that way...i didn't know what to do or think..i never would of thought that at 21 i would go visit my boyfriend in jail...we cried and you said you were sorry and i said i would do everything i could...during that weekend i visited your mom and she said she wouldnt bail you...and i didnt know what to do...so i went to work as a coffee shop girl to get your bail money...when it came time to bail..i waited for your call..your mom calls me and says..that you had ran as soon as the doors opened...i didnt even know what to think..i drove around long beach and buena park...i messaged you on facebook telling you i was sorry and that it would be ok..we could work together in beating the meth...i just wanted you to be ok...that Easter Sunday i found out that they had release the wrong person and i was so relieved...you started rehab and we began spending time together going to the beach and the gym...i was so happy that this was it...you promised no more lying or meth...
    even with all the lying and meth..i had always thought if anything..me was enough sexually....i found the dating website accounts and the porn..the picture...it really cut me down as a person...maybe i wasn't as great as i thought...maybe i do deserve all of this that was happening to me...but i had loved you too much to do anything about it..it will get better..you promised it would be different..things will change..but it didn't..then the lying came...lying about everything and anything..and i couldn't understand it...what was happening??! what we once pride about us..we began doing all the time..we fought...you weren't the person i thought you were anymore...you would put me in situations that would be dangerous...and it just didnt seem like you cared at all...the lying got worse and worse...but i had loved you too much to leave...it would get better..it'll be different...we would still hang out and go places..the love was still there..but i had realize that we were not what i had thought...we would go to disneyland and have so much fun..it was that chemistry we had from at the beginning..but the lying was still there..you wouldnt be home when you said you were...you would tell me some story when i knew it wasnt true..it hurt me...that you could lie to me whether to my face or over the phone..i didnt know where you were or what you were doing...i thought you were cheating or doing something crazy..you would never tell me what you were doing or invite me...so i just felt more and more alone...and when you did get caught lying..you would just tell me you dont know why you lied and that youre sorry and itll be different..you swore..you promised...many night have been spent crying and worrying..but it didnt matter...well it felt like it didnt matter anyway...we would fight because i couldnt understand that if you cared how could you cause me so much pain...i just started to hate myself more and more...but i stayed...because i truly believed that what we had at the beginning was real and the real you would never do this to me...you went to jail for 4 months and it was hard at the beginning...it went from seeing you every day to not seeing you at all...i visited every weekend..except near the end...i was starting to get the point that maybe you werent going to change but i just pushed it to the back of my mind...i had faith and hope in you...i thought that maybe this would be it...you had seen the things i had gone through for you...when you got out things were ok...i didnt fully trust you but as the weeks went on the love and trust was back...but so was the lying...porn...and meth...we spent our time going out..and doing e...it was the only time i could fully love you..because how can i be intimate with someone that kept causing me so much heartache....we would fight because i didnt understand the lying...youd get aggravated because i kept nagging...but even with the craziness...the meth..everything i loved you..and even with my craziness you had loved me..what i once thought was the best thing to have happened to me...began to make me something i was not...i cheated...i became a bitchy person...i tried meth...i let my expectations and standards of what i wanted in a boyfriend go..because i thought that was the only way to keep you...i started to bend and mold my wants in a boyfriend around you...i would go around the things you were doing so i could make myself feel better about what you were doing to me...us...i became ok with the meth so that you could feel that you could feel like you could talk to me about it and that i wouldnt judge or nag..kept telling me that you didnt want to associate with those people or that you didnt want to do met and the lying would stop because its what caused the lying....even with my acceptance of everything...it just kept happening..by this point i knew it REALLY wasnt me..it was you..i had try so hard to be close to you because i felt like what we had was worth it..i had endure all the hardships so that once it was straight it would stay forever that way...i thought my love was enough...i had done everything i could to understand the lying..the inability to stop meth...the liveshows...your reasoning...the love was starting to fade...it was hard for me to accept..but i slowly started to....that maybe..maybe you werent what i thought..maybe we were just drugs and sex...i slowly started to give up...whats the point in fighting for something that maybe wasnt even there...we would still hang out..we would roll...and during the rolls we would be lovey dovey and for that however many hours it really felt like the beginning again..and i loved it..but when the e was gone..the pain was still there..and reality was...you would lie the next day..or the week after...even though we had had a heartfelt talk...the many heartfelt talks..the many i promise it will be different..the many..me breaking down and just crying my heart out not understanding why youre doing this to me...but i still had a little hope...so i thought..maybe the only way to fully understand your thinking and reasoning for doing what you did was to do...ultimately what makes us fall apart...meth. it was great at first the feeling...the closeness...at last!! i understood your thinking..now no more lying..no more pain..no more crying...no..it was still there...what had i done wrong?? why wasnt i worthy of simple simple love...trust..honesty...why didnt you care that you hurt me....why didnt anything that i do for you matter...at this point i really just hate myself...i gave everything..done everything..got to my lowest for someone who didnt care for me at all...i spent my 23rd birthday on my how ever many days i had been on meth...it didnt matter though...because we were together..we got along...kind of...we started using..and i felt like wow atleast we could talk about something without fighting...but i started to realize and see what was happening..me as a person was deteriorating...morals..wants...caring...went out the window...we would sit for hours saying a few couple words to each other...and for some reason i was content with it because we were together..and we werent fighting..i began to spend more time with you and learn what you were really doing out in LB...we had fought so many fights...hurt so many heartaches..cried so many tears...for something so stupid..i could not believe any of it..you had risk what i thought was the best love..for something so stupid..you had change the way i felt about us..you..myself for that...but i still love you....today is January 17th, 2012...ive just spent the last 6 days doing meth with you..we have been fighting because we cant understand each other or we just cant even talk to each other...in a few hours..its about be the last time i see you in awhile because i have to get better..because youve taught me that...our love..the many life changing moments..the near death experience..the jail time..the places we've gone to..the heartfelt talks..the many firsts...the sex...it is not stronger than your addiction...and as long as you have the addiction..you will never be able to be fully good to me...i don't fully remember what we've been doing the past 6 days..i know alot of silence..awkwardness...fighting...we became the couple that would rather not say anything because we dont want to fight...i just agree because i dont want to cause anything...im sorry for feeling how i feel because it will make us not fight...youre angry at me because im sad...the real you..is not any of this...the real me is not crazy or hurtful or not caring of you..us isnt sex and drugs..if it was..i wouldnt have fought for us this long...or maybe the habits..lying..meth has taken over the real you and this is you now and i just havent fully accepted it yet. the talks we had at the beginning of the relationship and the talks we had during our rolls..would have never lead me to believe what i saw...i couldnt believe it..you were wasting away your life going to looffs...losing or making money...how you got on meth..i couldnt believe what i was seeing..it hurts too much...at this point..January 17, 2012 2:30am...im so scared to leave...im having a hard time leaving because i dont know what will happen..i so badly want you in my life..and want it to be you in the end...but at the same time i have to face reality now and maybe be realistic about us..maybe meth is stronger than our love....i have never in our entire relationship hated you..i just hate what you did...i dont know what else i can do to save us..and if i figured it out...whatever it was would probably kill me..and i just..maybe i just have to let you go..because youve let us go a long time ago...whether it be soon or later on..i hope and pray to see you better...doing great things with your life..being happy..and finding that peace i had thought ive given you..i dont want to see you die...because you dying is the better half of me dying..and i dont want to see you on the streets because youre worth more than that. i know now that i cannot save you...you will have to do it on your own..as of now...i love you still til this day..but i cant do what ive been doing for a long time...slowly watching what we most treasured...be nothing but just exist together...i love you..remember that...i love you for everything that you were..was...are...and will be..you gave me..love and happiness that i never thought i would find..
...til we meet again...i love you beba


Today is March 18 2013
    it has been more than a year since that email. After I left to go to rehab we did not keep in contact. I was very determined to get myself better and move on with my life..the happy health life i deserved. Shortly after, he was caught with drug paraphernalia and was locked up (definitely not the first time). During his time there he had a life changing moment..and realized that he cannot depend on anyone else to save him...and that 11 years of suffering and punishing himself was enough. We both are soon coming on our 1 year of sobriety...we live together and have a very happy healthy trusting relationship.
--Michel



I hate this drug called crystal meth
I want to grab and beat it to death
If it were a person Id shoot it dead
Id put a bullet in its head
It has caused so much pain you see
It has taken so much from me
It took everything that mattered most
It is a drug that is so gross
It takes away all your pride
And takes you on a scary ride
It steals your passion and your love for life
All it gives is tons of strife
It robs and steals everything you own
It eats at you down to the bone
It makes you be everything your not
It eats your soul and makes you rot
The worst part is it not me that using
And its not just me that is losing
It took my wife and she is lost
It doesn’t care about the cost
My wonderful wife is gone from me
So to her I make this plea
Let me be the one you trust
Before your body turns to dust
Let me walk side by side with you
Take the steps you need to do
Get yourself the help you need
And let your body and mind be freed
Get away from all those thugs
Free yourself from these terrible drugs
You have the strength I know you do
You are strong this is true
I will walk with you and hold you dear
Please get past this awful fear
That life is worse on the clean side
That your soul has already died
It is right there waiting for you
To make the right choice, and to do
The things you need to get your life back
And to get on the right track
I hope that you will see the light
And see I can be your storied knight
I love you so this is true
There is nothing I won’t do
For you to be happy and smile again
To find your life and break the chain
Take my hand and walk with me
Ill steer you right you will see
That I love you more than youll ever know
My loves as true as a falling snow
There is nothing we can’t get past
Our love my dear was built to last
I will love you till the day I die
I am here for you to cry
Take me back and you will see
Take me back and I pledge to thee
That I will love honor and cherish you
Lets take today and start anew
So hold my hand and walk with me
Hold me tight and you will see
That your dreams can come true
That your life doesn’t have to be blue
Let me show how much I care
Trust me please, if you dare
I can help you through this mess
Our future together is anyones guess
But the one thing Im sure I know
From this mess our love can grow
I love you more each passing day
Ill never leave you Im proud to say
My heart is meant for only you
Id die for you, this is true
And some day I hope to say
The words I said that wonderful day
You married me and stole my heart
And said we’d never be apart
Those simple words, there’s only two
Those simple words they are “I do”.
--John


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