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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents


   My wife of over 20 years told me she has been clean from addictions between 2009 and 2011. When I married her she said she was hooked on effederin (spelling?) this lasted, I believe for quite sometime. I think I can guess when she kicked it because there was a time in our marriage where she started to put on some weight from 112 lbs to 160 lbs. Next she enrolled in a criminology school to become a counselor for juvenile offenders attended for approx. 2 years, the school was forced to close down due to improprieties of financing as she was doing her final internship with the U.S. marshals. There was a student loan forgiveness window where she could get her $ 25,00.00 of student loans forgiven . Months later after numerous calls from the bank she finally came clean and told me she did not do the paperwork, and this was due to her being addicted to meth, she said when a person is addicted to meth nothing else matters. Few years later I noticed she started going through a lot of cash funds by writing checks, I called her out on this, and she finally admitted to having a cocaine addiction. Next she had heart problems and required an ablation, usually this is a problem people have if they have had rheumatic fever as a child ( I believe this is what the Dr said). She was working and I told her to pay off her student loans with her checks, and I would handle the household expenses with my salary. After she came back from her surgery and after the required time off she began working at her job again. The time demands on her from the job was a struggle for her. She couldn't get to work on time and after several late shows they terminated her. I was supportive and relieved because I felt that due to her heart condition the job was not good for her health. She went on unemployment and it was later cancelled she said because of a foul up in her paper work at the unemployment office. I then began to notice she was going through quite a bit of money and when I confronted her about this she said she was double paying her student loan payments as I had suggested because the rate was at 7.5%. She then went through approx. $3300.00 in seven weeks when I confronted her she said that she was helping out a girlfriend Megan to get away from her husband because he was beating her. A some time later I received a call from one of her girl friends Tar and she was upset because my wife owed her money. She told me that my wife was a meth addict and to google her friend she was helping out megan, (she had seen her car at megan’s house many times). I did and found a news story on megan of her abandoning her children at the scene of a one car accident, she fled and then she came back later and grabbed her children from the car, police officers later found the abandoned wrecked car with child seats and a full syringe of meth laying on the floor in the back seat of the car, she was charged.. This friend Tar also told me that my wife had used meth in our house in the downstairs bathroom ,with me there while I was watching a friends teenager, he was helping me in the upstairs bathroom, I was doing a tile job in our the shower and was preoccupied at the time.. Tar said she knows because she was the lookout in case I came down stairs. Tar has come over often and went downstairs because my wife told me she was keeping Tar’s pain medication at our house because her husband was an addict and didn’t want to keep it at her house, so she would come over every few days to grab enough pills to last her for a few days ( so I was told). I told . I told her I couldn't just rely on what she was telling me, This is my wife of 20 years, she told me to grab her purse and find a purple zippered case to open and look in it. I did and found 13 oxycontin numerous valium and snorting straws for meth. I confronted her about this, a friend of my wife Misty was here visiting and said that my wife had loaned her $ 400.00 and she had given the oxy to her to sell because she had a script and being a single parent needed the money to support her and her two children. I had enough, I grabbed the purple container and would not give it back to my wife she got madder than I had ever seen her and blocked the hallway so I couldn't leave. I pushed past her and she said don’t you hit me,I have never hit my wife or any woman and stated that, she then accused me of hitting her once in the past, I never have, She asked me what I was going to do with the purple case I told her I was gong to call the police department to come and get it. Her friend Misty went ballistic, she told me if I did this she could have her children taken away. I told my wife to leave I was very upset, she said so your kicking me out. All I could reply was get out. I called the Billings MT police department several times to come to my house and pickup the drugs, they would tell me to just throw them away. Finally after several calls they sent an officer to my house to pick up the drugs. I explained the story he asked me how I was getting along with my wife, I replied not very good right now, . He said that they would charge my wife with a felony ( I believe because she was doing meth in the house with and under aged minor present, the young boy that was helping me tile). He said not to tell her that I had given the purple case to him, I told him I had already told her I was going to do this so she knows. He said to call him if my wife shows up at the house and they would arrest her. And he would be calling me in a couple of weeks . He gave me his phone number. My wife called days later and I told her she needs to go to the police dept and come clean. She asked me who she needed to talk to, I told her officer Reyna and she said she would go and talk to him, I gave her the officers phone number and that she needs to come clean, she said she would. She called back a few days later and said she couldn’t get a hold of officer Reyna . I told her to go to the police office and talk to them. Days later she showed up at home , I called officer Reyna and the dispatch said he wasn’t there I explained that officer Reyna told me to call him if my wife showed up at home, the dispatcher then patched me into his voicemail. I left a message ,got no response. My wife left for a few days and then came back home I called again and officer Reyna was gone for a few days, told them it was concerning my wife and he had instructed me to call him, again they put me through to his voice mail. I left a message and again no response. My wife stayed here at the house a few days and my daughter came over( actually step daughter, My wife had two children from a previous marriage a boy and girl, although I never officially adopted them, I consider them my children, and they are now in their 20,s and 30,s) . We had a heart to heart talk and my wife confessed to being addicted to some kind of drug through out our relationship , except for a brief time between 2009 and 2011. She states that she is a recreational meth user, and not an addict. I told her I was contemplating divorce and cannot put up with anymore lies. She got up this morning (she slept on the couch at home) she was crying and wanted me to hold her, just to hold her, I told her I couldn’t (it was one of the hardest things for me) as she cried she said, I just need to be held, I told her I couldn’t and to call bushyhead (one of her past meth dealers according to her, during her criminology schooling) maybe he would hold her , I then went to the back of the house into the computer room and cried. She has taken off this afternoon , said she was going on vacation by herself , she wouldn’t tell me where or what state, I told her she needs to sop at a rehab for a few months, she has the health insurance card with her. I again pressed her for where she was going, she wouldn’t tell me , she said I would find out and they could identify her by her finger prints . I am wondering if that remark was a suicide threat or just another attempt to make me take her back and play me again. The other day I heard her talking to a friend where she claimed that she was just a recreational meth user. I called her friend back and asked her what she thought of this remark (friend is in the medical industry) she said there was probably people who are recreational meth users , I told her I thought it was denial and that her heart condition was probably brought on by years of drug abuse, and that with her heart condition it was not a good thing. Her friend wouldn’t agree or disagree with me. I did call and leave a message to call me to another friend of hers who I suspect she has been staying with. This friend is one of few friends of hers that I trust. I will feel much relieved if she is going with her on this vacation. I haven’t heard back yet. I am worried. I called my daughter and asked her to call her mom, I didn’t tell her everything because I don’t want to overly worry her. I am going to ask my grand kids to call her, I won’t tell them why, just that she needs cheering up.
She just came in
--Grant

The purpose and intent of these letters and stories is to discourage crystal meth and/or methamphetamine use.  If you, or someone you know, have been affected by crystal meth, please add your story so others may learn from your experience. We do not disclose personal information and edit out such when possible.  E-Mail letters to: kcimeth@yahoo.com

Letter to my son, To my sweetpea Kyle
If I hadn't used meth I would've been the mom u deserved
If I hadn't used meth I would have been there for you & seen u grow up
You wouldn't have had a dad doing life in the joint cuz he used meth too
If I wasn't f**ked up on meth I would have never let u seen the things I did
I wouldn't have let killers & wanted felons be around u
If I wasn't on meth I never would have gave it to you
If I wasn't on meth I wouldn't have ever left u
If I wasn't on meth I wouldn't watch all my friends die
I wouldn't have been on the run half my life with my baby son by my side
I wouldn't have done time in prison and missed all those years
And U wouldn't be calling me now with a heartbreaking choice choking back tears in your voice
I wouldn't be listening to you cry cuz your coming down after days getting high
You can't handle your pain cuz were exactly the same and U learned to escape using meth watching me do the same
If I hadn't used meth I'd know what to do when u hurt, but I can't hold your hand cuz your a wanted felon now too and I'm on parole & can't be with u
If I hadn't used meth I wouldn't hear u tell me your choosing it too
U feel hate for your father doing life in the joint and don't want your daughter to ever hate you
But you told me you made your choice you like what u do and there's nothing I can say cuz you just chose meth too
If I never used meth I wouldn't be crying watching my son be just what I taught him
If I hadn't used meth I could handle this pain and wouldn't be siting here wanting to shoot it in my f**king vein
--Renee88


   I need help. I have reached and reached for help. Hopefully you can help, if only a little. So, you don't know me, I don't know you. My name is Matthew and I am 23. Meth has been in my life for 5 years. HARDCORE. I started selling and using meth at 18. Besides a year and a half, I use meth daily. This addiction has blown up. Now more then ever.
I don't sell dope anymore. Might throw my money in with someone else's. That's about it. I am still adjusting to not "being the man". I work a real job. My addiction came as fast as a light switch is flipped. I was always used to having infinite amounts. Using and sharing as much as I pleased. I would smoke the meth to stay up 24/7 and make money. Also to make my customers feel more comfortable. The main reason would have to be I like to be high.
Honestly, I don't want this anymore. Was checking your site and decided to reach out. My life is so pitiful and I'm tired of being alone. I have no family. All of my real friends are married with kids. The job I'm working out is helping me. Just started a month ago.
Please share some advice and words of encouragement. Im smoking a 16th a day. Just by myself sitting on a couch. Stuck and letting life zoom right by me. I never have shot up and never will. At the very least could you just acknowledge me with a prayer.
--Matthew


Scared Mom
    My son has admitted using meth “occasionally” over the past five years (at least). He says he uses it only when needed. He also smokes marijuana on a daily basis (which is probably a good thing actually, since it helps him stay calm). He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and was on medication. As an adult, he has not been treated because he does not have health insurance. He also has severe “rage” and “anger management” issues and has been physically abusive to others since his early teenage years. He is now 28 years old and has two small children, 13 months apart, ages two and one. He and the mother of the children never married but have lived together the past two-three years but recently separated. She knows that he smokes marijuana and that he has used meth in the past. She does not believe he would use meth now that the children have come along because he “doesn’t have an addictive personality” (her exact words). She does not know that he admitted to me that he used as recently as one week ago. She left him about that time due to his physical and verbal abusive behavior. She took the children but he bullies her and he has them most of the time although I am actually the one who is caring for them because he is rarely home. I have talked to her and told her that she needs to take legal action to get custody of the children but she has not done so. She seems to have her own “issues” and I am not sure she will stay separated from my son. I believe she left him to try and “get his attention” and does not have a clue the danger she placing she and her children in by being with him. As I was cleaning the home they live in, I found a pot with a lid. The inside of the pot and lid is heavily pitted and discolored and I suspect he made meth in it. The house is very dirty and there is a lot of sticky residue on the kitchen cabinets and stove hood that did not remove easily (and I am a fanatical house cleaner and know how to remove grease and grime). Is it possible that there is residue in this house that may be affecting my grandchildren...and any of the rest of us who are staying here? The babies seem to have chronic upper respiratory infections (not uncommon in little ones) and sometimes have chapped/dry skin on their faces.
    I realize that I am going to have to take some kind of action in this situation due to the risk and danger this presents to my grandchildren. I just know that when I do and if my son does not get help, his rage may end up costing me, or anyone else who crosses my son’s path, their life. Right now, since I am unemployed and prospects of work are slim, I am able to be here and keep an eye on things, I feel like I have a little time. I am an educated person; however, and know that I am dealing with a time bomb and the clock is ticking! I am terrified!
--Lynn



My Meth Story
    26 long years on meth…. I did my first shot of in 1976 and my last shot in 2002…wow!! I bet a lot of you younger users didn’t even think there was meth back in 1976 did you?
    I am writing this testimony for two reasons…. First to give God all the Glory for getting me free of this addiction… And second in hopes by reading this you might get free to..
    Look I am no different than any of you and you are no different than me ,ok? When I started I was 17 yr. old…Know it all teenager… You would of never been able to make me believe any of my life problems had ANYTHING to do with the fact I was getting high… After all I could handle my dope and if you couldn’t ,well then I guess you were a little punk then…
    What people don’t realize is meth is straight up from the devil himself…. The way your addiction starts out ain”t the way it ends… In fact in the beginning it really starts out pretty harmless ,,like playing cards,dice,ect ,ect…for hours and days with your friends..but slowly but surely it will take you down a long DARK road of sexual perversion and criminal activity… Ya see nobody thinks getting high costs you in the end … Because after all surly it won’t happen to me… Well that’s where your wrong.. It will cost you EVERYTHING and possibly your very soul if your not careful..
    I cant possibly sit here and tell you all the storys that happened to me in my addiction ,but I will try to highlight some areas.. I been in trouble twice with the secret service for varies check and counterfeiting crimes.. Did time in Wisconsin, Arizona and Maryland for drug charges….and a lot of other little miscellaneous stuff…. Meth destroyed 3 of my marriages…..Look if you think you can get high and maintain a family life you are so wrong… And the kids don’t deserve any of it!!
In 1997 I was at the end of my string.. my addiction got real dark and perverted at this point… And don’t think it won’t take you there either! By now I lost my wife and kids..i wasn’t fit to hold a job… Everything I ate or owned I had to steal… Every time I got high I had to have perverted sex.. Either with another user that wanted the same or a hooker or for that matter with myself down at the adult book store watching video’s….I hated what I became!!!! Running around acting like a freaking losser while my kids were wondering where there daddys was!!! That was it I couldn’t take it no more! It was time to check out! After all by now most of my friends I knew either already killed themselves ,,got murdered or went to prison for a long time…
    But something in me couldn’t help to think what will happen once I die??? Will I go to Heaven or Hell?? I just had to know.. I had a Christian friend in Denver named Chuck, surely he would know so off to Denver I went…I don’t even know how I got there..lol So I said Chuck , if you kill yourself do you go to Heaven or Hell or does it even matter???? Well naturally he tried to talk me out of it and tried to get me to go to church with him…. My exact words were.’ Oh come on chuck I don’t want to do all this Jesus stuff just answer the question..’
Well he had the upper hand cause I had no money and nowhere to go so I guess it was church in the morning…. Now I been to church as a kid ….an old dead dry church that im sure Jesus himself wouldn’t even of went to… that was my thought of church was… But that aint where Chuck took me…It was called Heritage Christian center in Denver , Colorado… there was about 3000 people in service that morning and about 80 % of them were black and believe me they were havin Church!!! Dancing and singing clapping there hands,just down right getting busy… I was amazed. people had tears running down there faces, I didn’t know what was going on…Then the Preacher started preaching and every word he said sounded like it was just for me…. The message that Sunday was titled “ its time” WOW was it ever…All of a sudden I felt a tear running down my face… I was shocked!!! I haven’t had a tear come out of my eyes in YEARS!!! I couldn’t get my sun glasses on quick enough!!!! My emotions were freaking out!!! I felt God himself all around me…. It truly was my time to be set free I just knew that!!! Then they called every one down to the alter that wanted to receive Jesus as there savior and be saved and go to Heaven…. I couldn’t get there fast enough…all of a sudden this peace came over me I never felt and right then I KNEW something changed!! I was instantly set free from drugs,stealing,lying cursing every evil thing was gone!! I was a new person just like that… shortly after that chuck gave me a book to read called “ a divine revelation of Hell “ by mary kay baxter…. Any of you reading this right now I urge you to google this and either read the book or lesson to it on audio…
    People please lesson to me you don’t want to go to Hell it’s a awful place of pain and torment and its very very real….the devil hates you and all he wants is for you to go there with him…and meth will take you there…please ask Jesus to save you and change you….He will turn your life around if you ask him…… thank you for your time and God bless you all!!!
--Bob



   My name is Bryan. I have made the choice to quit meth a year ago and am never going back. Wonderful right? I can honestly tell you that I'm furious right now. Even though I'm done with it my advice to other people would be to stay on it. It is sad that with meth use being an epidemic, the lack of answers there are to help an addict. I still have no energy or motivation and I have tried everything from eating healthy to exercising and even seeing a psychiatrist. It's all a bunch a bs if you ask me. Why don't the people in the forums just freaking tell the truth. Yes it kills your dopamine receptors. But this is just getting ridiculous and where is the freaking motivation for someone who is in my situation that I was in a year ago. There needs to be an answer because the recovery period time is just not acceptable to me. Sorry if I'm being rude but there needs to be more done if people want this growing problem to go away. I was able to quit but it has been absolute hell and people probably already know that. This is why the majority won't quit and quite honestly I don't blame them. I did it because I love my wife and son and after a five year addiction finally told me that she needed me to quit or she didnt know what are future would hold together. And it just didn't seem like a path god wanted me to stick on. I had to but like I said it's been complete hell and that's just not acceptable to be able to quit something so difficult. I was actually using it for my ADD so it's not like I was getting high from it. It actually was helping. I know it takes time to heal but this has been more of a joke than a reward. My advice for the up and coming generations would be to stay away from it cause if you mess up and get hooked, you will be judged and become an outcast to society. The majority would rather have addicts locked up than have them rehabilitated. What a sad world.
    Again I do apoligize but I'm just tired and fed up. And yes I know your site is just given out information so this really is meant for all the people in the forums telling lies and not given the person that wants to quit the truth. Sincerely,
--Bryan



In Recovery
    ve been clean for about 3 weeks now, tonight I have had one of the worst nights since atempting sobriety. The craving for meth is extremely intense. I feel like Im shaking inside, agitated exhausted, cranky, and uncontrolabley crying. Im wondering howcome it seems Im getting worse not better. Id apreciate any input from ppl that have gone through recovery and welcome anyone to contact me that is currently going through it now as I am. Reason for me quiting is my daughter, I want to be the father I was before speed/meth came into my life. Ty
--one determined father



   Well after four years of crying and praying and trying to be the woman I used to be before I met him - The one who laughed and trusted and grabbed life with fun and enthusiasm - after two years of him becoming a local celebrity with the Seattle public oowing and awwing and fawning over him for his "brave" decision to train to climb a mountain along with another bunch of addicts as part of recovery, he is finally the man I deserved all along. I dont know the woman he is with, and I have not seen her (Im too smart to torture myself by looking at his facebook page, but someone decided I should know. God only knows why she thought telling me was a good idea), I have no animosity toward her. The pain I feel and have felt has nothing to do with her.
    But it's the injustice. He's finally who I knew he was capable of being, and she's got the best of him while I got the meth head.
And you know that bit about making amends as part of the steps? I guess after breaking my heart, sleeping with one of my friends, getting high IN MY HOUSE with another friend, badmouthing me behind my back, sleeping with half of our city, stealing my money, getting me kicked out of my apartment, accusing me of things I didnt do and would never do, shattering my faith, not to mention completely destroying my ability to love or trust another person, he has the nerve to tell my now former best friend (and thats a whole other story, but certainly related) that I weasiled my way into his life, have a hidden agenda for everything I do, and that I manipulated him all the way to the bedroom (his words).
    I will never get an apology, or atleast an acknowlegement for how he has destroyed me, because he truly thinks 1. I am the enemy and 2. he never did anything to hurt me directly and 3. He never asked me to fall in love with him, it was all my doing.
Damn it, I wish SOMEONE would explain this to me.
--Jennifer



My Story
    Hello, I am 39 years old going on 40 this september 1st. i have four children 23,21,13,and 7 years old. i had my first at 16 years old. i first tried meth when someone introduced it to me and some friends. i thought it was a way i can loose a little weight then soona s you know it i was hooked. at that time i was 21 years old. i struggled with trying to get off of it until last year may 2013. i tried for many years to kick the habit myself because i was emberrased that if i told anyone i had a problem i would look bad or get my children taken away. it took my husband getting caught selling it and then getting clean then going back to associating with old associates, thinking i was strong enough. so, finally, we just decided to pack up and move to where we know no body and start fesh. i know it is everywhere you go. but, going where we know nobody gave us a better chance at starting a new life and getting our lives back. our marriage and children were the most important. but we also got into a good church, made new and clean friends, we invited christ into our lives and now we are heading to where we dream of being. and that is being a family that contributes to society, working and trying to be good parents. i know that we could never go back and change the damage we did to our relationships with our children and family. but, today is a new day and a new beginning to a new start.
    today, i am in college in a psychology program. i am majoring in human services. i am planning on working with people with meth addiction and in hope to be an inspiration and teach and show that there is more to life than the devastating road down to METH.
i hope that my story is an inspiration to your readers and maybe this will give some hope to someone out there.
I KNOW, NO ONE WANTS TO BE AN ADDICT. WE DONT WAKE UP THINKING "HEY I WANNA BE A METH ADDICT." we are all here for a reason. GOD LOVES YOU!
--Fabiola



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