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Why is it so hard on us non-addicts?


gfofan
addict
Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
Hi I'm new here and I need to vent a little. I am a girlfriend of an addict. I never knew how hard it could be til now. The mood swings, the ups and downs the other person he becomes, it's like I love him and hate him at the same time. Does it get any better when they stop using? How long does it take? Will he ever be himself? I just don't know what to do anymore. I need some advice to put things into perspective and see what I should do for my own state of mind.
     Replies...
cathey
lynn
 
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
well girlfriend,

welcome to our neighborhood.. theres alot of good people here that will have words to help.

when i say help, please know that i mean there are all types of help. we may not give you the help that you are looking for. which ultimately is for him to stop using and your life with him to go back to the way it was.

but there are many here who have recovered, many who continue to struggle and family and friends by the droves who need the same type of support that you need.. understanding.

i am sorry that i don't have any great words of wisdom. i've known meth intimately for nearly 4 years now. i am not a user, but the wife of one. it has destroyed our life as we once knew it. there is nothing and no one it has not touched since it came to our home.

living with meth is a terrible way to live. it doesn't get easier or better, or more tolerable.. the only way it ever improves is for the user to recognize their problem, acknowledge what their use has done to them, and their loved ones, and for the user to then choose sobriety.

if you are planning to ride it out... wait it out or hang on until it plays out.. my only suggestion to you is this:

inform yourself.

we are here to be a shoulder. lean on us.
Rancid
One
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
The most common response to a girl/boyfriend of an addict is to run and don't look back. Break off the relationship and move on. You deserve someone who is clean and sober. If your boyfriend truely loves you he will clean up his act and come back to you down the road. But don't belive lies. Don't fall into the traps of a meth addiction (his). Because it is devistating to the addict and everyone around them. It WILL destroy your happiness.

take it from a recovering addict, get out while you still have some peace of mind.
desp
house
wife
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
gfof..


How long are you together?


How long has he been using?

You need to gather all the info you can on Meth.

Go to Crsytal recovery, there are links here to other sites.
Meth has a very low recovery rate, a drug like no other.

Before you make a BIG mistatke!

Don't be fooled into thinking you can fix him, it's the great lie we tell ouselves.

It does'nt mean you don't care, just can't ever control it.
the mood swings may get worse, are you in for that?

I know. I am living it for a very long time.

It'll take you right down...
without even knowing your whole story, mu gut says ...RUN, don't look back..you deserve a life free of meth & it's vice grip..

Good Luck.

Vent to me anytime!
 

broken
bymeth

Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
I am also a wife of an addict.Unfortunately I have no answers for you either.But I do understand what you are going thru.Everyone in my life has told me to leave yet I have stayed.
The people here at this site seem to have some understanding they dont always tell you to run they say do what you need to do whatever that might be.
I have endured alot.I (we)have lost alot.I have told him I want a divorce.I have told him to leave and beg him to stay so many times I cant even count them.
We are still going thru his addiction yet we are still together.I dont know why I stay through the hell except that I truly do love the man I married and I hope that one day he beats his addiction and returns to the great man I married.
I cant really offer you any answers but I can listen and understand you like no other.
The love ones that stay with their addicts are looked at by the people around them as crazy (maybe we are)But I understand.
So come here to vent I will be here to tell you I hear you and I understand.
You are in my prayers and thoughts.

 

Naiev
Newlywed
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
Hi girlfriend....

Welcome, I'm glad you are here.

I am married to a meth addict who is currently incarcerated. 9 months ago when I first came here I was told to run and I chose to stay.

How long have you been together? I would say "run" if you don't have a lot invested (emotionally) into the relationship, but only you can decide that.

 

imlostinky Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
Quote:
I just don't know what to do anymore.
The only thing you can do is work on you.
I don't know about you Girlfriend, but with me, I lost myself in my husband's addiction.
I went obsessed big time on what he was doing, who he was calling, what was going on with him- I totally lost me.

First thing to do is Find you.
Period.

Let go- let him take care of him-
You take care of you.

Breathe- and know you can not control his addiction, you did not cause his addiction, you can not cure his addiction.

Live your life, make your plans, do for you-
Control you.

Fix you - then go from there.

As Catheylynn said -Welcome to the neighborhood  
You are in the right place.

 

Rachel
sue76
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
Hello girlfriend,
I am the wife of an addict. Nice to meet you. I am sorry that it is under these circumstances.
Quote:
I never knew how hard it could be til now. The mood swings, the ups and downs the other person he becomes, it's like I love him and hate him at the same time.
I do not know how long your boyfriend has been using but, mood swings and up and downs are just the beginning. It can get worse than that. Read Leslie's story and you will see just how much worse it can get.

I would suggest that you read all that you can about meth and addiction and then make your decision to stay or to go.
If you decide to stay, you are going to have to be prepared for all the things that could happen if you stay and if he continues to use. And you are going to have to just ride it out until he decides that it is not fun anymore. You will have to know and accept that his recovery will happen when he is ready and not on your time frame.

If you can not love him while hating his actions, not him, then it will be discouraging to both of you if/when he decides to stop using. If you are not good of letting go of things that have hurt you, it will be not good to either of you. If you can accept the fact that he chose this and that it has nothing to do with you, then you will be doing good.

Quote:


Does it get any better when they stop using?

Yes and no for a while. Yes because they are not using.

No because then they sleep like the dead, they are grouchy, irritable, cranky and still moody at first. It is not like you just quit and then you never have a problem ever agian. There are cravings, depression, and the original problems that led to use as an option to still be dealt with. There may be relapses.( That is pretty much a given) You may get your hopes up again only to have them go back out there. And not just once either. The recovery rates that I have seen are low. Real low.

Quote:


How long does it take?

How long does it take for what? To stop using or for things to get better?

Quote:


Will he ever be himself?
If he decides that he wants to stop using. But, he will be different. Do you really want him to go through all this and to not have changed? Have you changed through any of this? I personally do not want my husband to be the person that he was before meth. That person was the one that was on his way to an addiction. I want him to be happy with who he is, healthy, and not using.

I can not tell you what to do. I can tell you what I did. I stayed. It was nearly 2 years that it was all going on. Today my husband has over 30 days clean and he is doing better than when he was using. He did have 60 days and then he went back out. But, I honsetly think that last time was different for him. He says that he is done. Is he? I don't know. I hope that he is. He wants to be. Only he can keep it that way.

I am sorry that it turned into such a long post.

Nice to meet you.
gfofan
addict
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
Thanks for shedding some light on this for me on what I can and not expect in the near and far future. What I mean by how long does it take? ya it was referring to how long does it take til they are not moody and ups and downs. Now I have to do some hard thinking on what my next step will be.

 

askfort
hemoon
 
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
As a mother of two 2o somethings I adivce you to leave this man to God and go on with your life. But I am a mom. My daughter uses and I wish her former boyfriend would move on with his life. why waste precious life and time? I was married to a crack user. I hung around for 10 years. Now Iam with another and have a life I deserved and wanted. now i am watching my child use. if you do not have to be in this world why be here? It is sad. and leaves y ou feeling or fighting the feeling that you must do something but cannot. you can only watch and pray.
Homey, I say move on.

 

Rachel
sue76
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?

Quote:


ya it was referring to how long does it take til they are not moody and ups and downs

I honestly do not know. I am not a user and I am moody some days. But, the rage is not there any more. That is the mood I was most happy to see leave. I can understand all the other moodiness because he has damaged his brain. He is going to be that way until his brain heals. He is not a total jerk though and he will apoligize when he is being grumpy.

gfofan
addict
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
Yes I do hope he does clean up his act whether I am in the picture or out. All that matters is that he stays clean, he has his whole life ahead of him and so do I.
About the lies, yes he does and tries to make me believe his every word, until I find out otherwise. I had to learn the hard way on that one. I am going to give it a few days and see how he is and then go from there whether or not I should run or hold out a little longer. I still have to think about that one. If I didn't love him it would be easier exit. I will be fine in the end.

 

Rachel
sue76
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
Has he made any effort at recovery yet?

Do you live together or seperate?

Quote:
I still have to think about that one

I am sure. It is not a one day decision.

 

gfofan
addict
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
To answer your question, yes we live together and for sure it isn't a one day decision to make. All I know is the one I make will be the right one for me.

 

Rachel
sue76
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
What about him? Has he said anything about quitting?
 
gfofan
addict
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
Yes he has thought about it and tried a number of times and keeps going back to it. As far as Rancid said about the lies he lies right to my face. The lies will never stop, I can see that now, there will never be any trust amongst, a relationship is built on trusting one another. Since he doesn't see it that way, this will make it easier for me to jam and never look back. You people here helping me, I thank you.  

 

Rachel
sue76
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
Quote:
As far as Rancid said about the lies he lies right to my face
That I could not handle. I understand slips and relapses. I do not understand lying. One thing I do have to say for my husband when I first called him on it, he admitted it. He had up and moved out just out of the blue. Then he called at the end of the week and I told him I knew that he was smoking meth. He did not lie about it at all. He said
" Yeah you are right. I am messing up" Every time that he has used since then he has been honest about it.

Quote:


a relationship is built on trusting one another.
I totally agree. I do not think that we would still be living together if my husband was not honest about his use.
What is the longest amount of time that your boyfriend has ever been clean?
 
gfofan
addict
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
The longest is just under 4 months if I can remember back.

 

Rachel
sue76
 
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
4 months is a good amount of time. Sorry that he started back again. Is there any chance that he would come here? I am sorry that you are going through this. It really is no fun.

 

forget
suzette
 
Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
hey girlfriend!

...The real question is...

has he lied?..stolen? manipulated? cheated? abused you verbally, physiclly or mentally? hurt you? been secretive and slippery, played games with you, then blamed you?
threatened you?

this is all abusive.
you don't deserve abuse for any reason.
drugs or no drugs, there's no excuse for you to live in constant wonder and insecurity.

go and serve yourself...life is long when you make the wrong choices. you can't fix his behaivior, or influence his decision to quit.

next...
does he offer you meth? ....do you feel tempted?

if the answer is no,
you will be choosing to let go of your own life, to be caught up in the downward spiral.
you will be the "enabler" the addicts personal assisstant that is constantly catching what the addict drops.

money, relationships, agreements, accountability.
....you will soon become ashamed in the reflection of his behaivior and get tangled in the web of confusion and despair the always surrounds us.
you will be wide awake for the open heart surgery you are about to experiance,
.....you will see him go completely insane and build ugly memories you can't loose, that seem to burn in.

if you leave, and he gets clean later,to return.
....you won't have that to deal with, at least. it's very hard to shake....ask any addicts loved one.


if the answer is yes.
you might have already done the deed, and it's too late to stop the on slaught of coming events.

welcome to the board.
 
vallsb Re: Why is it so hard on us non addicts?
your thoughts My boy freind and I have been toghter over 3 yr.
now and He is noe in a one year rehab. and I/am going to al-anon. we talk alot about each steps and he share his steps with me after he wroks with his sponce..that cool to me..But can we make it in real life.. I'm not a user and we both have always gone to chuch.except when he was high.... But now he goes alot. I pray for God to touch his life deeply....

See also:

Understanding Meth Addiction (For the non-user)

Hard time having compassion for the addict

How do you talk to your Meth Addict?


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