KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Problem controlling my husband Meth addiction

crushed bymeth	Problem controlling my husband Meth addiction Hey guys, I seem to have a real problem with not being able to control my husbands addiction. I mean I can't comprehend the 3 c's. I mean it seems he always does @#%$ to piss me off and he always succeds with that. We had an agreement with his cell phone. I know his password. Well I tried to check it and low and behold he has once again changed it. I just got a membership to Curves to try and release some of this hostile anger and energy. I am looking for some advice from ya'll. I just want someone to tell me or explain to me how to let go and let God. He isnt working and he is living in our house while I pay all the bills and support him and our 2 boys. He uses my phone to call his drug buddies. I'm sorry for this off topic discussion I just needed to vent. I am open to any and all advice.
Replies...
Loraura	Re: Problem controlling my husband Meth addiction Read the book "Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie You will never, ever be able to make him think or act like you would like him to. Learning to identify situations where his behavior is making you angry because he is doing things that you can not control is vital. Even more important is learning to let go of those frustrating feelings and know that you can't do a dang thing about his choices. You just have to accept them if you plan to stay in a relationship with him. His decisions are part of who he is. They aren't seperate from him. He owns them. It's horribly frustrating. I know. I've been there. I learned SO MUCH from this book. It's dog eared and highlighted, lol. Another good book for relationships in crisis is a book titled "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together " by Susan Page. This book specifically helps one person in a relationship work on real solutions to the problems, even when the other partner is unwilling to work on the relationship too. I highly recommend this book.
crushed bymeth	Re: Problem controlling my husband Meth addiction Thanks and you know I do try to avoid the anger that is associated with his behaviour and when I do he always comes right back at me with something that he knows will annoy me that much more. It's like the games never stop. I will go out and by the book ASAP!
Loraura	Re: Problem controlling my husband Meth addiction One more thing I would recommend, and I wrote a post about this earlier this week, is to examine your expectations of him. Does he know what your expectations are? Does he agree that your expectations are reasonable? For example does he agree that it is reasonable that he not change his PW on his cell, so that you can check? If he feels this is unreasonable, you will have NO LUCK getting him to go along with this plan. It's like if he were to say he expected you to give up eating your favorite food. He didn't have a good reason you could understand, he just "wanted it" and demanded it. How long do you think you'd go before you snuck in your favorite food when you thought the chances of him finding out were reasonably slim? If another person can not understand the basis of your expectations of them, they are not likely to meet those expectations consistantly. Sure, they will try, after a big blow out, to try to "make you happy".... but we all know how long that lasts. Never long enough. Always back to square one. You frustrated that he "did it AGAIN!" and him frustrated that you're "controlling him!" It's better to be open about your expectations and find out if he thinks they are reasonable or not. If he thinks your expectations are not reasonable, well, you are going to have to realize that he is not likely to meet those expectations. Then make your decisions based on that. Is it a deal-breaker? Can you absolutely NOT be happy if that expectation isn't met? One of the very best ways to see how someone REALLY is, is to drop all your expectations of how they will behave, act, and think, and just observe. Give it time, see what they bring to the relationship. See how they act with no "rules" from you. THAT is how they will act in the long run. THAT is what you should look at and really think about when determining what to do in a relationship crisis.
Lexi Sunshine	Re: Problem controlling my husband Meth addiction I can relate, I get myself so upset and angry every time my boyfriend does it, and I am made because it makes my life so out of control.......it is hard to accept the fact that you can't make him stop.......... Then he ends up lying to me about it becuz he doesn't want to fight....then I am mad that he lied becuz I can tell when he's doing it........ It is very hard to deal with it feels like the whole thing is making me crazy....it feels like I am the one with the addiction, and he is my addiction...........
imlost inky	Re: Problem controlling my husband Meth addiction *Quote:* I am open to any and all advice *Quote:* I seem to have a real problem with not being able to control my husbands addiction. I mean I can't comprehend the 3 c's The problem is accepting that you can not control- you comprehend it just fine. You checking his cell records stops him from using? Or does he just change his password or use another phone? wink wink So you comprehend just fine- you just are choosing not to accept. It only makes a difference to your life if you accept this fact or not. Either way ,You can not control anything your husband chooses to do. He is grown- he can go and do as he pleases and he will do just that. It is your life that changes when you accept that no matter what you do, short of locking him in a cage ,you really can't control your husband's addiction. Look at the phone records- so you don't see a call to dealie man there.All that means is he didn't use that phone to call. Nothing more. So maybe he just ran over there instead? bumped into him at Wallyworld? *Quote:* you know I do try to avoid the anger that is associated with his behaviour and when I do he always comes right back at me with something that he knows will annoy me that much more. It doesn't matter what buttons he pushes- he can push them all day long , one after another. If you don't want to play the game anymore, don't. Where you can't control him- Guess what? Are you ready? He can't control you either! Uh uh - short of putting you in a cage, he has no power over you. If you don't want to be angry, then don't be angry. Let whatever he says just wash right off your back. There you go- game called due to change. You have changed what you can- YOU. You control what you can- YOU. You fix what you can- YOU. There you go- you want to know how, there is your first steps. Just that simple. Not that easy but yes, just that simple. Just like our addicts it begins with thinking one thought different. Today instead of stating I can not control his addiction- How about you try Today HIS addiction will NOT control me. Works for me-
crushed bymeth	Re: Problem controlling my husband Meth addiction Hey imlostinky, Thanks so much for the hard core slap in the face, I really really needed that. But seriously thanks with my deepest sincereity (sp)
imlost inky	Re: Problem controlling my husband Meth addiction Crushed,just paying it forward- really. I got my reality slap right here on this forum 15 months ago. It was the best slap I ever got. It doesn't have to be a bad thing ,Crushed. People do recover. But first , we must fix ourselves- otherwise we are no help for the addicts in our lives. Seriously,Just for today HIS addiction will NOT control me. Just come at it from that mindset,just give it a try. This doesn't have to be the worst day in your life. There is life after meth. We have to fix us first.Then change can happen. Not that it will, but the groundwork is there. From one wife to another -{{{HUGS}}} T.
kwalby	Re: Problem controlling my husband Meth addiction He's living in your house, not working , you pay all the bills, including I assume the one for his cell phone. Hon I have been through all this and the answer you are looking for is sad but it is the only answer, kick him out. Yes, kick him out, file for divorce, get a restraining order if you have to and then everyday muster up the courage to refuse to take him back. A real husband and father supports his family, doesnt have to hide his passwords, doesn't need to have any secrets. This is not a marriage this is you taking care of a grown man and that is not right. It's not your job to control him, you shouldn't need to. I know you feel like he is your life, but that is your own addiction at work and it's going to be very hard for you to break it but it can be done, one day at a time. Seriously, if you have to pay all the bills anyway, and I'm guessing keep up the house and raise the children, you might as well be on your own, You'd be surprised how much better off you'll be.... I was! Chances are you're in love with what could have been not what is. For your sake and for the sake of your children get free of this situation. "Mr. Wonderful" is a big boy now if he can't take care of his family then he should at least have to take care of himself. When he pays his own phone bill he can have any password he wants.