KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Why did you use Meth?

sierra nights	Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? Use meth, that is, for the first time. Were you at all aware of the dangers? Did you know it could/would take control of your life?
Replies...
imlost inky	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? *Quote:* Were you at all aware of the dangers? No. I don't know that it would have made a difference at the time or not but No, I did not know how it was made, I did not know what it would or could do, I did not know that I would live out the rest of my life with kidney damage. *Quote:* Did you know it could/would take control of your life? No. I had done it before years ago- when I was in my early 20's a couple times.It wasn't a big deal , nothing to write home about. It wasn't any different as addictive as anything else I was doing at the time. No I did not know it would and No I did not know I was until I ran out. *Quote:* Why did you use meth? My husband was doing it, my sister was doing it, her husband was doing it- I had done speed when I was younger and thought it was the same. I had 5 children, the eldest being 11 and the youngest being a newborn with colic, I had an alcoholic husband who was hardly any help to anyone much less me. I was up with a screaming baby until 2 every morning, had to turn around and get up at 5:30 to have the kids breakfast and get them off to school , and I was in my early 30's,worn down and worn out. I went out to the garage where everybody but me was drinking and partying and asked my husband for some help. he gave me a line- it helped. I forgot all about tired, I forgot how miserable I was married to a drunk, I forgot how much I hated having a ton of people at my home til 3,4 in the morning - some even living in my garage where their wives had thrown them out- I forgot all of that and felt like SuperMom, Super Wife- super heroine extraordinaire. I even was really good at rocking a screaming infant without crying anymore. Meth will do that. You forget all about how sh!tty your life is- suddenly everything is coming up roses. You once again love your drunk husband- and all his garage living friends.Suddenly, rocking a baby ,walking a baby, bouncing a baby on a pillow across your lap ,well it isn't so tiring anymore.I didn't feel so helpless anymore. I didn't feel like a failure anymore. For awhile anyway.
Naiev Newlywed	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? I wanted to stay close to my husband. He was drifting further and further away from me. Yeah, I saw what it was doing to him and I chose to do it anyway. In my mind, if I dove into the depths of hell with him, maybe I could pull him out....but I had to be in there with him. It didn't work...I couldn't pull him out, I barely pulled myself out. I needed help saving him and I called for it. He's out of that hell now, and a new hell you could say, but he's clean.
sierra nights	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? I guess I understand that meth makes you feel good about yourself. If you are a person that has low self esteem it builds you up. I can't see where the addict in my life has low self esteem. Sometimes I think he places to much value on himself. NN, I've read your story and I do understand why you did it. It makes perfect sense to me. Imlostinky, I can see why you did it. To much on you and your husband giving it to you. Man, yeah I can understand why you did it. But I'm talking about these kids that don't seem to have a care in the world. They have everything. I'm talking about adults that have great jobs and are able to meet their finances. Is is just the "thing" to do. My son is an addict and he has told me he wished to God he had never done it. If (and this is rare) we talk about meth he ALWAYS says he wishes someone would find a way to make it go away. Yet, he uses. I have ask him why he ever did the first time. He just tells me he doesn't know why. He had seen his friends picking and all the yucky stuff that comes with meth use but he did it anyway.
Naiev Newlywed	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? My hubby started doing it to stay awake longer. He was an OTR driver..NYC to Detroit to CA and back home. If he could stay up and drive straight through, falsify his log books, he could get home a few days earlier, take some more to party, then crash before he left on the road again. Why did he start again? He remembered the painless or "comfort" feelings it brought him. When the holidays came once again without his father, he didn't want to feel the pain and wanted comfort. He then just got sucked way too deep...two more deaths within 6 months sent him spiraling. I think women / girls start to lose some weight, or stay up to clean house, study for school, etc.
imlost inky	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? A better way to handle the situation would have been to clean my house- get rid of the drunks. That would have worked better than the dope. As it was, meth replaced the alcohol for him and I still used long after my baby outgrew colic and long after the drunks were cleared out. The reasons are the same for all - because when you are using, you don't feel anything but larger than life. No matter what the technical points are- why did I use? because I escaped from my reality. Why does anyone use? because it is an escape from reality. Whether that reality is boredom, stress, loneliness, low self esteem, disfuctional relationship - whatever. It is the same- an escape from the reality we now have. There is always an alternative solution that will work better. There is always another answer- always. Using doesn't make anyything better.When you come down, the problems you ran from are still there- if you were bored, you are still bored only more so. Nothing has changed, nothing is fixed, nothing is better. There is no justification for use.There is always a better solution. Is there a pusher? You mean like the movies? no, not really. Usually it is a spouse, a friend, a family member just trying to help you out with what they have found is a miracle cure. They don't know any better than you what it really costs, what it really does, how it really is. Often by the time they find out, they have lost it all too.
chris gonz	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? I was just slinging it and you know how that goes....
Lisa	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? I met someone, we fell in love, she was a user, and she asked me if I wanted to try it. I wanted to be close to her, share with her what she liked, and the rest is history. Same thing with my bf - we met, fell in love, I was a user, he wanted to be close to me and share what I liked; the rest is history. I once asked my gf why she first asked me to try it. She said, and I quote: "I thought it would be fun." My bf once asked me why I first asked if he wanted to try it. I said, and I quote: "I thought it would be fun." Now my gf is dead, my bf's life is ruined, my life is ruined, and my son's life was forever altered. This SO sucks. BTW, I guess I'm in the minority, but I was "lucky" enough to enjoy a wonderful childhood, the total love and affection of both my parents, and no, zero, zip, nada abuse of any kind, either physical, emotional, mental, etc. Idyllic childhood. Go figger.
katelin 24	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? Sierra- My husband doesn't talk specifically about why he self medicated with meth, pot, and alcohol. I've watched and listened, however, and I've gotten a few ideas myself. Disclaimer: Remember this is my theory on why, this is NOT something he's told me or a therapist has found. His parents are religious fanatics. He was beaten at four years old for not being able to sit through four or five hours of bible study. He was physically abused by a sunday school teacher, and he didn't tell his parents because "they would have done alot worse". He was told from day one that if he didn't embrace their beliefs he would "go to hell" and be a "bad person". Once he was old enough to ask questions, he was beaten even worse. So he hated the religion they practice, and he was taught that he was a "bad person" because of it. I've seen these people in action and they're some of the creepiest people I've ever met. They make jokes now about beating up their kids, and they're repeating this cycle with their grandchildren. (they'll never be alone with my son, by the way. My husband and I have agreed on that.) OK, you all know I'm an athiest but even if I wasn't, I wouldn't agree that is the way to teach your children religion. I think this is extreme, sick behavior. And what did it teach my Husband? To hate all religion, and to hate himself for it. I personally think this all stuck with him and he just got the mindset that he's worthless. I think he's been drinking since he left their home to get away from the feelings of shame and self-hate. In my humble opinion.
Naiev Newlywed	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? Self medicate...yes, hubby did that. The pain and loneliness of losing his father at a very young age, losing his son 2 weeks after birth, and then losing a grandparent on each side within months of each other. He's asked me to visit his father's and son's graves when he gets out. I suggested months ago to write a letter to his father and mail to the house, I wouldn't read it, but it may help him. He said he'd rather 'talk' to him when he gets the chance. He's not visited either gravesite since their passing. I feel honored that he's asked me to go too. I felt that was the first major step in his recovery. Facing what he's been trying to bury all these years. Katelin - I'm sorry for Bry...for him having a childhood like that.
nine years clean	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? *Quote:* I never used meth until around the age of twenty seven, when the man who later became my husband offered me some at a party. I don't know why I said yes. I had always said no to everything except beer and pot. I was adamantly opposed to putting any other chemicals into my body. But that time, I said yes, for the hell of it. *Quote:* Were you at all aware of the dangers? Did you know it could/would take control of your life? I had NO CLUE that I was embarking on a 13 year roller coaster ride from hell.
Spase monkey	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? Because I was curious. People throw their lives away over hard drugs.... so they must really feel pretty damn good. I couldnt imagine something feeling good enough to leave everything else in life behind... so I tried it.
nano banano	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? K8! That was a very thought provoking post! Thanks for posting! Many reasons you listed for people trying meth....I think there are many who are also simply "excitement/adrenalin junkies".... In this little Texas town, many young people are simply bored!!!! Many have expressed to me that it was simply the longing for excitement and new experiences that tempted them to try meth. I'm almost 55 years old....I graduated in 1969....the summer of Woodstock! Drugs were everywhere! I've always loved excitement and longed for new experiences too.....Yet I didn't turn to drugs....I ask myself why? I believe that it was partly because I had parents who taught me how to find interesting experiences in healthy ways! My father was a school teacher and we were fortunate that my mother was able to be home with us....back then a family could scrape by on one income! I've rarely experienced boredom....I've never really understood how someone can be bored! I've always felt only boring people get bored. I just get frustrated, because life is so full of interesting things, that there just doesn't seem to be enough time to pursue all my interests....so I have to pick and choose.....like being in a candy store, and having to choose just 5 pieces of candy, from all the choices you have! In my home, growing up, you dared not say: "I"m bored!" A book of classic literature would be stuck in our hand, and an oral book report was expected when you finished it! My parents had a thirst for knowledge that rubbed off on me! We were taught to "assign ourselves" to tasks that would make life better for the whole family or for the community, if we found ourselves bored! We were taught that doing something to make other's happy was the best way to fight "self-pity!" I'm thankful my parents taught me how to savor life, and to see problems as challenges..... They knew nothing about meth though, so I'm learning how to deal with this now.....and it is unlike any challenge I've ever encountered....It is destroying lives left and right....so I come here to learn! Thanks K8 for your insight....Sfj has also helped me, as have others on this site. Each day I learn something new, or see something from another perspective! So many thanks to all on this site....I'm learning from all of you!
vctry7	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? Why I did it: 1. Curiosity. 2. To prove to my husband that I could use it and quit - he just wasn't trying and didn't care. I ended up going straight to hell with him. 3. Pressure from my husband so we could have "fun" together. Did I know what could happen? No, not a clue. I had never even heard of the word "methamphetamine" when I tried it.
still catest	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? Why did I? I was tired of taking so many pills (various "uppers") that my stomach churned. They weren't working the way I wanted them to. I "had a need for speed" and meth was the next "logical" step. Was I aware of all the dangers? Not all of them. Just that it was "bad"...but all drugs are "bad"...and they never brought me down or ruined my life, so why would this be any different? Did I know it would take over my life? Not in the slightest.
scared ma	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? I think my son done it to fit in with the new friend. My son was a very well adjusted, I thought happy person. In 8th grade he met a new "friend" that lived only about 2 miles from us. He began hanging around with him and it has been bad news since then. He dropped all his old friends. He has been grounded, Paddled (because of stealing), had things he liked taken away because of the new friend. He met this particular boy about 6 years ago and my son has never been really the same. The neighbors have even told him that this boy was trouble and he did not need to hanging out with him. The boy is older by 2 or 3 years. I think my son idolized him and wanted to do what he did, and I think that is how it all started. My son admitted in Sept 2005 that the first time he tried meth he was 14 years old and with this boy. Which he said he never used again until July 4th weekend 2005. But it was nonstop until he came to me in Sept.
fairy girl78	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? I did it pretty much because I could, and because my boyfriend at the time offered it to me. I wouldn't get addicted. I would only do it once. Granted, I only did it for about 6 months, but in that 6 months, I lost pretty much everything -- friends, a great job, my car, my place to live, my boyfriend, and almost my life. But I had the "It'll never happen to me" mentality. I knew some of the dangers of doing meth, but I didn't know what it was made from, or how addicting it was. I also had absolutely no clue of the long term affects. I agree that a lot of people use it to self-medicate, and looking back, realize that may be part of why I continued doing it. Life is hard, and it made it easier, or so I thought, for the time being. Sick, sick, evil drug. I hate it.
le grumps	Re: Users or past meth users; why did you use meth? Because I would do anything. Any drug, I was ready for it. I loved drugs. I was fascinated, infatuated, lusted for being @#%$ up. You know, the day I picked up speed could have easily been the day I picked up heroin. I would have been a junkie instead of a tweaker. I was seeking escape, and nothing less. From what, I have no idea. I've had some good moments in my life, and some bad ones. I was treated very well by my family, and I was also abused. There is always someone worse off than me, so I held on to a lot of guilt. I definitely fall into the guilt and shame category that Sfj talks about. Escape was the name of the game.