KCI The Anti_Meth Site

He is in Denial - How long for recovery to start?

Time4 Change	Denial… How long should you wait and enter recovery? How much time is ample time to give an addict to get their azz out of denial and into recovery? I’m asking because he asked me last night to postpone the final court date. He’s been out of the house 5 months. He shows me no signs of recovery. In fact my gut knows that he hasn’t even abstained these 5 months. All the empty promises.. saying he was going to go to an NA meeting… Never materialized. Saying he’s going to get us into counseling. That’s what he’s saying now.. he’s trying to get us into counseling. Why now… a week before the court date? Of course he’s been saying it for months as well and like NA it never materializes. Excuses, excuses and more excuses. Everything is more important… always his friends… his hobbies. I don’t feel loved. I never get the I love you miss you mushy stuff and I’m thinking that’s good because it would make this all the harder. But I never know where I stand! How do I feel? Not like a wife.. I’ve been the mother figure to a almost 40 year old meth addict for 15 years. I feel like he uses me to hide behind… giving the world the illusion that he’s got the perfect life.. he has a nice house, good job and a great family.. SEE… No problems here. It’s all BS! The lies the hiding and the debt he continues to rack up never stops. We would have lost everything by now but he has family to bail him out. I want and desperately need a health functional relationship for myself and my children. But I don’t even know what that is anymore. I don’t even know what love is anymore. I’ve spent so many years living in a dysfunctional relationship I don’t know what a functional one is. What’s this got to do with Meth… everything he’s been doing it since day 1.. I’ve caught him with it sporadically over the years. I was naive when it came to drugs so I didn’t know what I was really dealing with…but I know now! Thanks to you wonderful folks here! It’s all control, manipulation and endless excuses and mind games. Is there a person left in there anywhere or has meth made him a heartless, cold, self-centered nothing of a human being? Ya know sometimes it just helps to put things in writing. Sorry guys/gals just need to vent this morning. I’m probably in for a rough couple of weeks. I want him to recover I do! But I can’t put my life on hold forever.
Replies...
never ending	Denial… How long should you wait and enter recovery? Hi, you can't put a time on it; there is no ample time. You have no control over it. With all of that said, I feel his request to postpone the court date is manipulation and the effort to buy more time. I feel that he thinks you'll cave again because you have for how many years now? I'm not trying to be a smarta$$; this is just how I see it, and I am living it, too. So I am learning to live the very advice I give. I told mine to get out; I gave him a week. On the 6th day he tells me he's going in a rehab, but the bed isn't ready for 2 days. I said "sorry, but you had a week and the week is up tomorrow, so no you can't stay an extra night". Little different from the last rehab visit, where I drove my pregnant a$$ 2.5hrs each way with my then 16 month old every weekend; brought him cartons of cigs and mounds of junk food. You are right T4C, you cannot wait forever. Your life is yours. You need to live it. You can't wait for him. It may or may not ever happen. good luck and hang in there.
violet 004	Denial… How long should you wait and enter recovery? So does his family know that they are continually enabling his behaviors? Would you ever consider telling them? I am going thru just about the same thing except i am trying to step away. Would it be wrong to pass the burden and leave if there was no ties holding me to this person.
Time4 Change	Denial… How long should you wait and enter recovery? neverending... Thanks! Believe it or not these things I know. For whatever reason sometimes I need to hear it from others to reinforce it in my thick head! violet004 ... yep the family knows. Do they still enable him financially.. I don't know.
TnSkye	Denial… How long should you wait and enter recovery? If you are like the rest of us, you have given him more than enough time and chances. Base your decisions on what you know, what you see daily. Remember, you can't go by what they say, only what they do. Do what you need to do for you, your recovery. Protecting him is only enabling him which hurts you both in the long run.
Braden slight	Denial… How long should you wait and enter recovery? I love this poem and thought I would post it: "After a While" After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure you really are strong you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn... I always love reading it. I understand what you are going through because I am there too. I hope for the best for you...
Time4 Change	Denial… How long should you wait and enter recovery? Thanks Bradenslight... I too love this poem. Hugs back atcha. I wish you all the best! I'm determined to make it ... I will find my way.