|
Porn, Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
| jeninoz |
Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
Hi All,
Further to my post below. Looks like he's in full blown use
again. I haven't spoken to him since last night around 6 pm. He
is usually harrassing me by now. I'm getting a little worried.
He's super paranoid saying I'm
having an affair (which I'm not). There's usually no way he
would "let" me fly off for 11 nights without him.
I'm scared, lonely, but not calling him (although my daughter
called and left him a voicemail earlier without me knowing).
******************
Hi Guys,
A not so happy update from me.
As some might know, I had to ask my husband to leave home nearly
2 weeks ago now due to his out of control meth addiction. While
using meth, this went hand in hand (quite literally) with an
addiction to porn (and gambling..).
Anyway, as some might know, I think he's been clean just over a
week and we've been doing some nice stuff as a family whilst
he's been out of home.
I've asked him to come over a couple of times after meetings and
he's been "too tired". I just let this go. I've been getting a
little suspicous that he's using but think I'll be suspicious
for quite some time.
Anyway, last night he came and had a shower here after work and
we were going to watch a DVD together. He said "I'm really
tired" and there's no way I'll get through the 3 hours of King
Kong so we decided to just put it on and see what happened.
To cut a long story short, he asked if there's anything I wanted
to bring up. I said "Yeah, are you clean" to which he said
"yes", then I asked "are you watching porn" and he said "yeah,
I've got one". To which I freaked out completely. Now don't get
me wrong, I've got no problem with porn but I know it goes hand
in hand with his using and to be honest, I'd hoped he'd be
trying to move away from his sex addiction whilst he was out of
home. I suppose I also feel that again, he's choosing porn over
the real thing (me). We ended up having a big fight and as
usual, he just walked out. Told me he's got a new sim card for
his phone so I can't check his calls and then turned his phone
off all night.
I'd kinda hoped that with him moving out he'd really miss me and
the kids but I think he's now subtly using this against me and
saying "well, you can't have it both ways...you asked me to
leave....I'm still a man with urges and I don't want to go
elsewhere".
I'm really confused and need some advice....we're supposed to be
going on a family holiday on Tuesday....I'm starting to feel
like this is very onesided. |
| Replies... |
eyes
open83 |
Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
hi jen,
ummm,im at a bit of a lost with this one..I,as a using meth
addict,never got into the whole porn and sex craze stuff,so im
not sure..
i dont think that him having a porn movie and watching it
occasionally is a sign that hes using,he is a man,living on hes
own,men have needs that need meeting ya know what i mean...
the porn movie just proves hes a man nt an addict i think..
as for you thinking hes choosing the porn over you,you did kick
him out(which i am not judging in any way i think it was a good
move actually)so really he doesnt have the choice,the porn is
there,you are not..
i cant reall say about the holiday jen,i get an uneasy feeling
thinking about it but that is a choice you are going to have to
think about...
arent you leaving to come here today |
| jeninoz |
Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
The porn thing is an addiction on it's own but usually ends up
being mixed up with the meth....I'm scared on different
levels....one, that he's going back to meth and two, that he
can't stop watching porn even for a week! |
eyes
open83 |
Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
unfortuntely jen, you cant
control either of those thing, he has know reason not to watch
porn now..hes living by himself...
if it is an addiction well then you understand how hard it is...
i have to go now..i hear AA calling me...
talk to you when i get home yeah |
no more
mething
around |
Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
Hi Jen,
He KNOWS the porn is a problem with you because of the meth !? I
realize men have their needs
but hey, so do we girls !
For you, this is a betrayal, like seeing someone else. This has
been part of the deal, "cut the crap with the porn, buddy".
I think you DO have a problem with porn. Not for everyone else,
but for you guys. That is completely understandable. Problem is,
if he's not really getting off the meth, then the rest of it
isn't going to stop either.
I hate to say this, because I know it isn't a popular stand, but
I don't believe porn is good for a marriage period. To me, it's
like inviting other people into your bedroom. The marriage bed
is sacred.
I realize this is just one of many issues for you , but it all
boils down to him making the decision to get as active in
recovery as he's been with the drugs, the porn and the gambling.
That is the bottom line.
He has to put his own thoughts in action, not yours. Kicking him
out won't make him ready, your tirades about his activities
won't do it either. I know you know all this.
So, the fight, him leaving and making sure you can't get ahold
of him are all non productive ways of dealing with the real
problem. His addictions and your inability to change it or
control it. Addicts are selfish, he didn't think twice about how
you would feel about the porn. He's not thinking of your needs
or he wouldn't even go there with you.
You will have to decide at some point how far you are willing to
see this through. You get one life, no one else gets to waste it
for you by taking away your choices.
You get ONE life. You have every right to be vocal about and
validated for your personal values and boundaries.
Your fight is for a decent life for you and your kids and your
man - IF he so chooses. You may have to face the fact that you
will do this without him.
There is no room for meth, porn or gambling in that equation.
Set your boundaries with him, do your hell bent best to keep
them, and you can at least be proud of you. At the end of the
day, one day at a time, we have to look in the mirror.
I was happy to see your email, haven't seen you post on the SI board lately. There are sooo
many people on that site !!! Kinda sad, isn't it, what people
are capable of doing to each other.
Thinking of you, sending you a hug and prayers for strength. |
| TnSkye |
Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
I, too, grew tired of all
the porn.
When telling him how I felt continued to fail, I yelled it.
When that failed, I threw away movies, toys, magazines.
Know what that accomplished? Nothing.
He went out and replaced everything I threw away, usually
spending more money than he originally did.
We can't change them, we can't control them. We can't make them
believe the same way we do. All we have control of is ourselves
and our actions.
If you don't like his behavior, figure out what you want to do
about it as far as your reactions, not how you can get him to
change.
If he wants to keep using porn, he will. He may lie more, he may
try harder to hide it, but he'll keep it up as long as he wants. |
| channa2 |
Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
Sounds like you two are living
in different worlds. If I suddenly found myself with needs,
wishes, boundaries, interests etc that are in reality very
different from my spouse, I may consider changing the situation
to someone with the same interests in life as my own. I cannot
wait to see if my "mate" is in fact even capable of changing to
match what I desire and need from a partner. Once I find some
new friends with like interests in life, I'm sure life will
become fun again....something worth sharing in healthy ways. We
are not locked into sick, dysfunctional people or
relationships... the choice for freedom and fun is always there
for us. Having made some of these choices myself I can assure
you life gets better as we do the things necessary to give
ourSELF the best! Healthy fun relationships come from healthy
fun people. If I wish to have a healthy fun honest loving
relationship, I might try going with someone that has those
qualifications... Ya just can't get sweet wine from sour
grapes... Love me |
| jeninoz |
Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
Hi,
I went to church with my kids after I posted.
Lisa, you know what, you're right. I do have a problem with porn
for US. I just feel like I'm getting old and boring (I'm 35).
I'm in recovery myself and seem to be becoming "good". I read
some of the "posters" here and think "hey, I'm just not that
cool anymore". I suppose porns OK if used for a bit of fun, but
not when it's been in a relationship like it has in mine...an
obsession and addiction.
He started ringing and texting...again, accusing me of affairs.
Calling me disgusting names....I'm shattered. I know I should
finish this but I just don't seem to have the strength.
He told me to tell the kids it's over, that he can't keep going
on like this, that he's not coming home, that he's thought about
it and doesn't want to be in a relationship with me
anymore...then, he sends a text and that he's left Easter Eggs
for the kids and on the balcony...I went up and he has and
bought my very favourite chocolate. WHAT'S GOING ON?????? I'm so
sad and lonely. I KNOW he still loves me and God knows why, but
I love him too. This is a tragedy. We're supposed to be going
away in a couple of days...I bet I let him come.....I sound like
a whining victim. I know what I'd be telling ME!! I'm sorry
guys..... |
no more
mething
around |
Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
Hi Jen,
Thinking about you, about your trip.
Like you don't have enough to do, being gone for 11 days
requires serious planning and details up the wazoo !
The mail, the plants, the pets, the house, packing, phone
calls,itinerary....I assume you are taking care of all that
business yourself....and then not knowing whether dad is going
on the family holiday?
That's some friggin' holiday, hey?
I'm amazed at how you are dealing with all this !
And dealing with an addict is just plain confusing. Nothing will
make rational sense. They reel you in, cast you off...reel you
in, cast you off.... take you for a ride on the rollercoaster.
It all has to do with the frame of mind the drug has them in on
which day.
There is no figuring out what they are going to do or not going
to do. You just never know. That's why you just concentrate on
figuring out you. Be your own best friend.
Perhaps a change of scenery will do you guys some good - you and
the kids, I mean. Get out of the familiar surroundings , gain
some perspective.
I hope you can relax some, though. Have some much needed fun
with the kiddos. It's going to be difficult whether he goes or
not.
Will you be staying in touch while globetrotting ? I will look
for you. |
katelin
24 |
Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
Jen- I know exactly what you mean. the porn
and meth do go together and you have every right to not want him
using porn. He may be a "man" with "needs" but if he's serious
about fixing your relationship, and you want the porn gone, he
should respect that and get rid of the porn. To say he just
can't help himself because you kicked him out and he needs it is
just b*llsh*t.
Good luck with what you're going through. I hope he sees the
ight and gtes his sh*t together but if not, I think you'll be
okay without him! |
imlost
inky |
Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
Quote:
WHAT'S GOING ON??????
Addiction JeninOz. That is what is going on.
It has nothing to do with needs here.There is no logic and
reason in meth.
It has to do with chemical reactions- meth has got his body full
charged.
A fully charged battery with no outlet.He will watch and play
,watch and play, watch and play some more for hours - and never
get satisifed.
It will never be enough.
Then it will get to where even that won't work.
It's called Crystal D.... you can guess the rest.
That is meth, that is addiction.
The women in the movies, it has nothing to do with how they
look.It has to do with just watching the act.
It doesn't matter what they look like.He isn't seeing them
anymore than he is seeing you.
The only thing he is thinking about right now is his next
baggie.
Nothing is more important to him right now than that next hit.
Period.
You can do everything right- be so "cool" meet him at the door
wearing nothing at all and he would still go off.
Because then you are naked and waiting for the UPS man to
deliver.
You can be Martha Stewart, have that house spic and span,
gourmet dinner on the table-
and in his mind, it will be because you screwed the butcher.
It isn't anything you did wrong.It is addiction.
You did not cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure
it.
You can't make him do anything-
You can't change him.
You can change you. You can fix you. You can do for you.
This is his addiction, he will have to ride that ride until he
is done.
Period.
The choices you have - how much control does his addiction have
over you and your life?
That is it.
Try Naranon- really. It can help you to regain your sanity. |
See also:
Sex, Sexual Problems, and Crystal Meth / Methamphetamine
Back to Crystal Meth & Methamphetamine Questions, Answers & Advice
|
