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Relapse because I met with my meth hookup

Relapse...what is wrong with me?
Well, on day 18 it happened, I relapsed.
My hookup called. He was worried bout this loan I'm so late on that I took out from the company he works for. I told him I have no money. I told him I won't sell dope. He offered to pay it for me if I wrote him a post-dated check for when I get paid again, 2 weeks later.

I met up with him. Sat and caught up. Gave him the check and thanked him. For some reason we talk bout what he been up to. HE got a new connect, cheaper and better, no cut. I ask how good it is.....

Next thing I know we are in his room with pipe in hand, smoking the @#%$ out of it. I'm in hog heaven....

So now I'm disappointed. Thinking how I'm gonna tell my IOP and my sponsor, and my rents....

Feel like @#%$, can't believe I allowed it. But been wanting it so bad lately.

What the hell is wrong with me???
Re: Relapse...what is wrong with me?
Join the club Jesy, we ALL relapse and beat our heads against the wall...until it hurts too much to continue.
Unbeknownst to ourselves we plan our relapses in the shadows of our mind, eventually we place ourselves in positions that are conducive to relapse. We gotta avoid the dealer, the users, and anyplace we remotely think meth can be had. Now you gotta shake off that hook up once and for all, he'll be back! He needs your $$$$ and does'nt give a flyin'phuck if you ever recover!
As always, your IOP group and sponsor will admire and respect your brutal honesty, it will be met with thanks and appreciation...just as it is here
And trust me jesy, there's nothing "wrong" with you that is'nt "wrong" with the rest of us.
Get your focus on the things that are right with you, your qualities are more than obvious.
Re: Relapse...what is wrong with me?
For some reason we talk bout what he been up to.
It is called contemplation.
But it began much earlier Jesy. It has been there in the back of your mind.
It is addiction Jesy.

Instead of beating yourself up, get honest with yourself.
Go back and see when the thought first came to you - because you know it did long before the next thing I know we are hitting the pipe.

So it got you, OK, but it just got you once Jesy.
This is Friday and you are clean.
You went down Yes but you didn't stay down.
So look and find a way you can head it off before the next thing I know.
It is there, you just have to see it.
You can beat this Jesy, we do recover - and I promise you there is life after meth.
Re: Relapse...what is wrong with me?
Well, Jesy you fell down
But afterwards you knew you fell down and you felt bad and you came here to vent.
That means you fell forward
That is still progress.
There are many many people who are sober today, and very few of them got there without falling down a time or 2 or 3.
Don't be hard on yourself. Just get up again and keep moving forward
TnSkye Re: Relapse...what is wrong with me?
You know where you went wrong, jesy. Maybe now you can come up with a plan as how to avoid this same situation from happening again.
Re: Relapse...what is wrong with me?
I like this IP from NA...particularly after a relapse:

Penel0pe Re: Relapse...what is wrong with me?
Jesy - it all starts with honesty.

If you weren't an addict, you wouldn't need an IOP, NA, or US.

Get back the horse and get back on track. In NA we say "You didn't get addicted overnight, so EASY DOES IT."

Stay away from slippery places. I absolutely LOVE my old connection - she's a dope slinging addict for sure - but she was a good friend and a good person. In spite of all of her goodness, I don't call her, I don't go to her house... because I CAN'T TAKE THAT CHANCE. I'm an addict, addicts use dope, and there is plenty of dope there.

I relapsed every few weeks for 7 months when I first got into recovery and the rooms of NA. I just got back on the horse, went right back to the meetings, confessed to my sponsor, and got on with it (recovery.)

What's wrong with you is that you are an addict, and you have to learn how to stay clean.

You're not one of those who are sitting on their ass waiting to get clean - you're in IOP, you're going to meetings, and doing what it takes to get there. Don't worry about being honest - TELL EVERYONE WHAT HAPPENED - any addict in recovery has been where you are now, trust me.

Don't beat yourself up...

One thing, though - bet you didn't enjoy it as much as you used to... NA ruined it for me eventually, and the same will be true for you in time AS LONG AS YOU STAY ON THE RIGHT TRACK.

Loraura Re: Relapse...what is wrong with me?
Feel like @#%$, can't believe I allowed it.
You didn't "allow it" your brain chemistry just won. You experienced a trigger.

Please read this article I wrote up about how triggers work so that you will better understand how to prevent your brain from winning when it thinks you need dope:

Triggers -- why will power isn't enough

Our brains are designed to make us do what is necessary to survive. Unfortunately, once our brains think meth is necessary to survive, it is difficult to "beat" what our brains are telling us to do.
25 years
but no
Re: Relapse...what is wrong with me?
Jesy - It is called recovery. Step 1 - quit. Step 2 - fall off. Step 3 - Quit again. The difference is how long it takes you to get up again. I always say that the hardest part of recovery is learning how to fall off and get right back up again. Usually when people fall off, they stay off for days, weeks, months, or even years before they try again. It is just like riding a horse. You need to learn how to stay on it first. So, tomorrow is Day 1. I will be looking for your post tomorrow. Good Luck.!

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