KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Meth, Drugs, Why do women sell ourselves so short?

Tender hearts KS	Why do us women sell ourselves so short? I have had so many thoughts and feelings running through my head today. I read through these posts with 'relationship' problems, and it tugs at my heart. Why do so many women in recovery sell themselves so short (at least, in my eyes). I can only speak for myself. If meth were my only problem, it would make perfect sense that putting the meth down would solve the problem. End of story. But meth was just a symptom of the problem, of the disease, if you will. My disease started manifesting itself long before I ever picked up the first drug or drink. I started seeking out unhealthy relationships early in my life. I was looking to fill some void, some emptiness in my life that I would not discover for many years could only be filled by me, not by outside sources. I eventually found a great deal of solace and relief in chemicals later on. ALL of my addictions became intertwined, drugs, alcohol, sex, unhealthy relationships. Those addictions didn't magically go away when I got clean/sober. Looking back, I never had a period in my life where I wasn't involved with a man, no matter how bad the relationship was for me, most of my adult life. I thought in order to be 'whole', I had to have a significant other, a b/f, a husband, hell I settled for an emotionally abusive male roommate a few years into recovery. My heart hurts for those of you early in recovery who struggle in relationships. These things all become so entangled that it's far too easy to lose sight of who we are and just how precious our recovery is. There has been more than once I 'lost' myself in a relationship while in recovery, and the process was so gradual and insidious that I was terrified to discover how little was really left of me when I would hit an emotional bottom in the relationship. It took ten years into my recovery this last time to finally see the light and stop selling myself short. I realized that I could be strong, I could take care of myself, I didn't need to have a man in my life to be complete, I could love my children and have hope for the future. When my ex-fiance walked out the door, leaving me with my jaw on the floor and an empty bank account, I damned near didn't forgive myself for allowing it to happen again, and seeing the pain in my youngest daughter's eyes, and watching my granddaughter cry, I could no longer put that kind of insanity into their lives for the sake of my feeling 'complete'. I felt like the biggest piece of crap in the world for exposing those kids to that kind of pain just because I thought I needed a man in my life. I'll always carry the guilt with me of the scars that has left on them. Maybe some day I will have someone in my life. I have no idea. I'm not looking. It's not a priority in my life. My #1 priority is my recovery because without that, I am of no use to myself, let alone anyone else around me. No one is going to come between me and my recovery. Today, I refuse to sell myself short. Today I put my recovery first.
Replies...
flower child 80744	Re: Why do us women sell ourselves so short? what a great post.the first half was like reading about me.(the drugs being a symptom of other issues,always having a relationship)..i am 31 now and i wanna be just like you when i grow up..lol..and i am getting there...on strong days i feel exactly like that..its how i want to be..some days i am. some days i have a long way to go..talk about making your insides match your outsides..I agree completly on bringing the craziness into the kids life to..i would rather be single for the next 14 years then let them down or endanger them again..man that would suck..thanks for the voice of reason.Crystal
Tender hearts KS	Re: Why do us women sell ourselves so short? *Quote:* on strong days i feel exactly like that..its how i want to be..some days i am. some days i have a long way to go. I guess I just hope that others don't have to take as long as I did to learn. I'm a sloooooow learner. LOL! I don't want to relapse again, and I don't want to see others relapse. I read when people have gone out and used again and I ask myself, how often is that relapse due to other addictions we chose not to look at, whether it's alcohol or relationships or whatever? It's hard. It's just as hard as it is giving up the meth. I can remember when I finally said enough is enough after the ex-fiance left. There were times I would be somewhere like the grocery store or at a restaurant. Seems like all I saw were couples and that just hurt so much and I never stayed strong enough till the last relationship went south. I'd always end up with someone else. But that hurt, that damnable ache, that loneliness late at night DOES go away eventually, just like the craving for the meth. It wasn't until I really REALLY started some serious soul searching of why I continued to feel like I 'needed' a man in my life that I truly learned to love 'self' and be comfortable with 'self'. My life is full now, and for the most part, happy. Yes, I have 'bad' days, I need attitude readjustments, I falter because I'm human. I only wish I could 'give' to you who are struggling with these issues what I have. But all I can do is share my experience, strength, and hope. You ultimately have to do the work
Sfj	Re: Why do us women sell ourselves so short? I wonder? Do you really think any of those things are gender specific? I read your post again, more carefully, and every time you mentioned a gender, it could be reversed. I don't see any difference at all. Do you? I'm sure you are convinced of things from your point of view, that is natural and normal isn't it? From my point of view, men are always subject to the powers of woman. We are maybe physically stronger and often financially more ahead by a small degree, but in the things that really count, we are always subject to women. We are inept socially, we are retarded in relationships, we lack automatic sensitivity, we are slaves to our lusts and carnal desires, and women control us in every area of life that counts. Women almost always get custody of children, they have so many more skills and talents, and men just have to bungle our way through life, usually making huge errors in the process, to have women destroy us and leave us wimpering like little boys getting beat up by an Iron Fisted Mama. But anyhow, I hope things get better for you. I know I'm way early, almost two days, but nevertheless
boys36	Re: Why do us women sell ourselves so short? I can relate to your story about unhealthy relationships....I am at 40 just now getting things right in life. Your story sounds a little like mine. Only thing is I have never in my life used drugs........So you see it isnt only those in recovery that sell themselves short.....I have never used and I have been selling myself short for years. It has been a long hard road .....but I think I finally get it...........I AM WORTH IT!!! We all are!!!!
Nice Devil 945	Re: Why do us women sell ourselves so short? I wish you and the others could talk to my now ex-GF She has had 8 lasts names. Most of her relationships have been abusive. Pregnant in Jr Hi. Been on Morphine for 20 years, meth for almost as long. 29 assault charges, 2 felonies. Deals meth, narcotics, pot. had a 24-beers-a-day habit for years. 5'5" tall and for many years weighed 250. She is smart, funny, creative, attractive, but she never sees it. She has as many problems and issues as anyone I've ever met. She hid the drugs from me at first. When I found out, I went searching for info on meth. It was all new to me. I found this board. i truly believe you all saved my life because if not for you, I would've stayed in that relationship and I have no doubt i would have been seduced into her world. The people here made it clear and simple - I needed to RUN and not look back. So I did But I wanted to encourage her to seek help and get off the stuff. I was shocked at her response. she turned on me with venom and hate. Insists she has no problems, she can quit anytime she wants, etc, etc. You have all heard it before. She turned it on me, called me the liar, over and over. Accused of all sorts of things, threatened me, etc. Inside the monster that has consumed her is a wonderful person, but she doesn't even know she exists. I so wish she would come here and talk to you all. But she is so far away from admitting she has a problem I don't know if she will ever make it. Sorry for rambling. Thank you for helping and saving me from a terrible mistake.