Miz
Ricochet
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Addicted to Meth at first sight
This is
long, so you may want to read it when you have more time or print it
out to read later. I just want to take you through a very candid
journey of how I got started doing meth till the day I quit using
it. There will be three parts, The User Stage - The Dealer Stage -
The Manufacturer Stage. I am hoping that everyone will get something
out of it to help them during their battle with meth.
Pat 1: The User Stage
Meth was a pretty slick pimp. Meth made me promises of a gorgeous
never ending bliss and the ability to have what all my heart
desired. But, I didn't know it was a pimp from hell at first. All I
knew at the time, was I needed and wanted so much good for my life
and I fell for Meth's scouting techniques.
I was an exhausted and lonely single mother of four, waiting for a
bus at a stop to take me home from my trip to the smoke shop. This
cute guy, who had a leather biker's jacket on, gorgeous long and
curly hair and a face of an angel caught my eye. He was so
righteously enticing. I sat down next to him and initiated some chit
chat and I became swallowed up in his charm and a smile that could
melt down titanium to a vapor.
As we waited for our bus, I got more personal with him. I shared
that I was so tired from caring for my four sweet children and
needed something to keep me going so I could do everything I needed
to do. I furhter told him that I wished there was a legal speed I
could take to help me with my busy day. His attention to what I was
saying seemed to awaken something inside of him and I was thinking
he connected to what I was saying and really cared.
Amazingly, I totally missed his lack of caring for me personally
when he said to me that there was "something" he could hook me up
with. I asked him what it was and if he could get me some tonight.
His reply was, "It's called Ephedrine. The @#%$ that is in your over
the counter cold meds. If you spin the buffer out of it, it turns to
pure speed. I can do that for you if you tonight if you pick up a
few boxes at the store." Like the dumb ass that I was, I fell for
it.
I wasn't afraid to try anything. I was already a prisoner to drugs
with a lifetime sentence. I had heard of Meth...but, I didn't know
much about how it was made or what it looked like. I hadn't hung
with anyone using Meth. So, I was pretty ignorant of what I was
doing....at first.
Nick (the dude at the bus stop) and I exchanged phone numbers. I
told him I would pick up some boxes on the way home and give him a
call when I was ready for him to come pick them up. Later on, he
comes to my home and we had a few beers before he took off to "spin
out the buffer from this cold med". He returned that night as
promised, with little bags of this white stuff.
I swear, at the very moment my eyes beheld this white powder, my
spirit surrendered to it's power and I let it take control. He then
opens the lil baggie and spills out the substance on my kitchen
table, divided it into four equal pretty good sized lines, gives me
the straw and I knew what to do from there on.
First snort, I am in pain...my sinuses burned like hell and my eyes
watered bad. He assured me that it would stop and to just hurry and
do the other line. Same shooting pain and boy did I hate it. He told
me to just sit back and relax and let myself go. I sit back and I
started feeling my heart rate beat faster, then came this chill up
my spine and my hair stood up on end as the @#%$ started to work.
And he was right, the pain in the nose stopped.
Then, it hit my head big time, I was all of a sudden wide awake,
feeling this supernatural power within me rise to it's throne and
instantly I became addicted. Remember, I didn't know I was doing
Meth. All I knew is that this dust is taking me on a wild ride on
the wild side and I didn't know where all it was going to take me. I
had the sudden need to go to my bedromm where I could go through
this first trip out of the site of my kids, who were in the
livingroom watching television.
I summons Nick to come with me and he followed me in there. Don't
know why to this day, but I felt the need to stand up against this
one wall in my room...and as I stood there holding on to the wall, I
felt as if my body was lifting off the floor. I became like a freed
spirit who had been bound to earth for too long. I was flying free
into the picture perfect state of mind my human soul desired to be
in for so long.
Free from fear, free from heartache, free from insecurity, and free
from my own self hatred for having so many shortcomings and
inabilities to do all and be all to my kids and everyone around me.
I was free at last! Reality of this false freedom was going to be a
real bondage that would crash down on me one day. I layed aside all
other drugs for Meth. Cause, Meth did all and became all for me,
like no other drug did in the past.
Two months later, I was getting suspicious of what I really was
doing. I knew the signs of being addicted and I was aware that I
became addicted to this new stuff. I confronted Nick's brother,
Teddy one day and flat out asked him what Nick was giving me. Ted
looks up at me with eyebrows raised and responded with, "Nick hasn't
told you?" I shake my head no. He responds with, "You're doin fuckin'
meth."
For only a split second, I was enraged. It was a short lived rage of
anger. Meth already deprogrammed my brain's prior way to feel
emotions and behave. Meth had replaced it with a new program that
would kill my ability to feel and behave in a way that didn't leave
room to care for anyone else but me and nothing else but getting the
next high. So, I shrugged off my anger towards Nick as Teddy brought
out his own sack and a glass pipe and we got high.
Up until that day, I was secluding myself at home and had not known
any other way to do Meth other than snorting it. My sinuses were
becoming so damaged, that I was having nosebleeds and feeling like
my eyes were gonna pop out of my head. So, Teddy showed me how to
smoke it with his glass pipe. "Cool, no more nosebleeds and the high
is faster. I can dig this.", I thought to myself. I became a pro in
no time, went out to buy me my own pipe and never snorted it again.
Couple of weeks later, it was my birthday. All my tweaker "friends"
threw me a party at Ted's house. This is when Nick, who was my
boyfriend then, brings me a small and slender box with a card. I
open the card that tells me how he loved me, wanted this birthday to
be remembered forever and couldn't wait till I saw what he got me.
Then, I opened the present and I find a rig (syringe) already filled
with dope. I took it out and looked up at him and smiled and said,
"Okay, so I can do it this way....let's do it." Nick said so proud,
"Everybody, the lil virgin is about to get her cherry plucked." I
laughed and looked down to pump up a vein and I shot it in. Little
did I know what I was getting myself into and little did I know how
it would change my way of thinking from that point on.
Slamming (shooting it) it was different than I had experienced in
all the other ways of doing it. Suddenly, I was mentally bolted of
my chair and thrown high into cosmic planes that were beyond my
wildest imaginations. I was above anyone and anything and I felt
power like I had never before in all my drug days.
As I physically sit in my chair, my mind was so far away that nobody
in the room existed but me. Out from nowhere, a voice spoke to me
saying, "Come to me my lil girl, I will toss you as high as you want
to fly. I won't turn my back on you, push you away or get mad and
yell at you to get away like that bastard who created you. Fly lil
girl, just fly." This voice was as real as if I were talking face to
face with someone.
By this time, I was thrown into a world of bliss and ecstacy and
feeling nothing but love. Although, it was counterfit, it was still
a love that I never felt before. I started becoming aware of my
body, energy buzzing through it like I was plugged in a power
supply. My breathing was charged and steady in beat with my racing
heart. I could hear me breath and my heart pumping in my ears so
loud and even that alone gave me a rush, cause I really thought I
was in control of that and I got off on it.
Suddenly, I was so aware that I was sexually charged and ready to
explode. The voice came to speak to me once more and said, "Your
arousal is what you created in your mind. Let the power you have
inside your mind to create your orgasm. You do not need anything or
anyone any longer to satisfy you, as you have the power to think it
in to existance yourself, and without shame." So, I surrendered to
my self-serving passion and I was not the same after that.
Now that I am clean, I look back on that night and I know what it
was all about. I believe now that there were two deep rooted and
very painful issues still unresolved in my past. Meth, in a
destructive way, blocked the hurt so I could allow myself to live
out what I wished would have happened during my childhood and teen
years. Instead of the undeserving experiences that I was forced to
accept as normal. In essence, Meth became a dual entity that work in
my head to create parents I wished my own were when I was
younger...and to create a young girl that I had wished I would have
been.
The experience of flying in my Meth trip I feel came from wanting my
dad to do things with me. The biggest one I wanted that I tried so
hard to get him to do was to pick me up and toss me in the air. I
remember many of times running up to him with hands up, begging him
to do this. He only responded with either pretending like he didn't
hear me and walk away, or push me on the ground and stomp off, or
yell and cuss at me for bugging him. So, Meth became daddy and gave
me my ultimate wish.
The experience of thinking my own sexual pleasure into existance
without shame came from my own pain from being sexually molested by
both my mom (who I call my birth vehicle) and my dad (who I call the
sperm donor) . I was so young, almost 12 years old when they started
molesting me. I had no concept of this being abnormal or sickening
behavior of parents. I actually had orgasms from my parents like as
if this was suppose to happen. And, I know there are those of you
that might think I was a sick kid for liking it, but look at what
mentors of morality I had to look up to. It wasn't until my mid teen
years that I became horrorifically aware that this was dead wrong.
I think while I was in the state of mind that Meth brought me to
that night, I became that young girl and lived out taking a stand
against their molestation and taking control over my own sexual
desire, as I wished I had done back then. Until I quit using meth
and my head got clear, I hadn't realized that I was carrying around
this pain and shame all my life. Pain from their betrayal as parents
and the most debilitating shame for enjoying what they were doing to
me.
From that moment on, I found a heightened sense of power and
control. I was no longer like God....I was now a God...I became my
own God...I was God. The next year and a half, Meth helped me to
develope a way to create barriers against the pain of my past,
present and future. Nothing could hurt me and nothing could mess my
head over anymore. I felt nothing and the God I thought I was,
became nothing more than a robot programed to seek out the next
high.
What I didn't realize back then, is that the more I hungered for
Meth so I couldn't feel pain anymore, the more I couldn't feel
love....by the end of that year and a half, I only functioned
mechanically as a mother and I no longer had a drive to emtonially
connect with my kids. Thus, our bond between us that was once so
beautiful and alive, became nothing and dead to me as well.
And just to think, it all started out because I wanted a mommy's lil
helper to pick me up and put me on my feet again, so I could be a
better mommy. After all, I was set out to be a better parent than
both my parents could have ever imagined being, even to their death
beds. But, it's ironic now to think that the very same drug I wanted
to better my mothering abilities is the same one that destroyed it
eventually. Eventhough, I never abused my kids or sexually molested
them, I became the very same cold hearted, self-centered and
non-loving parent as my parents were to me. Ouch, huh?
This is the end of Part 1
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