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Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?


sdm
sanjose
Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?

I don’t always have time to read all the posts so I wanted to know which people are in the same boat as I am.
I am the father (loved one) of a using 25-year-old addict (son).

Which one are you?

1 Father/mother Son/daughter? Age?
2 Spouse or partner? Wife/Husband/Partner? Age?
3 Other? ______________ Age?

Maybe we can share some of our experiences and help each other.
My son is respectful, polite, and almost never asks us for anything. Also, he avoids us most of the time. He is physically in good shape, eats and sleeps fairly regularly. He has been using for more than 5years. I am confused.
Why is my son not like the addicts that I read about?
Not complaining just confused.
He does not fit the description of a meth addict that I have read about.

TerryCa Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
I'm a mother with a daughter 22 yr old that has been using I'm guessing 6 yrs. She is functional sometimes and appears normal for hrs.
JDP Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
My boyfriend is a meth addict, he is 29 years old . He has used for 15 years, with some clean time in the last 4 years on and off. He appears very functional to everyone around him also. I don't understand why some bottom out so quickly and others never do. I think it might have something to do with how many enablers they have around them.
katelin
24
Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
My husband is an abstaining addict, he's been clean for about 8 months now. NOT recovering, and not clean from pot or whiskey.
chris
gonz
Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
Stan, every person is different.  the high and withdrawals of a drug may be the same to an extent, again as each person is different, so will be the high and withdrawals.
Circumstances play a major factor in drug use.
you son lives at home, just not in the house.
does he pay rent?
buy his own groceries?
pay bills?
raising kids?
married/involved?
I was doing all of the above during my use. So my reasons for quitting may be different than your sons.
You know if someone had allowed me to live on their property while I was on my runs, worry free, I'd be real quiet too and rarely ask for anything. Never want to mess up a good thing that jack your high.
Mother, 44, recovering addict
2 kids have graduated and on their own, doing well. Drug free.
13 year old at home.
boys36 Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
I am the mother of a 24 year old daughter that is serving time in prison for manufacturing. She started using at age 16 and has been in jail/prison now for over 1 1/2 years. She has to serve 5 years. She lost her 3 kids , her home, her freedom and almost her life to this drug. I hate meth!!!!!!
up
against
thewall
Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
I am the mother of a 25 year old daughter who I believe at present is clean for about 7 months. I am raising her 2 sons due to her bad choices. Have rode this emotional rollercoaster for close to 10 years. I pray daily for other loved ones in similar situations. I still journal daily and have plans of combining these thoughts into a book for other loved ones, with the proceeds to benefit my grandsons.
ladyof
sunshine
Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
I am the mother of a daughter (never married, no children) who will be 40 in September. She has used for several years. She was unable to function, lost two jobs, lost her user boyfriend because she would do nothing but use and sleep. However, we thought she was severely depressed or something, tried unsuccessfully to help as her doctor would not talk to us because of the FOI laws. We were her total means of financial support until a friend called us and told us she was using meth and he was afraid she was about to die. (She lives 250 miles away.) We went to her immediately, thinking she would welcome help......WRONG....She said she had quit using. When we cut off financial support except for health and car insurance (we are afraid for her to be without these) and cell phone included in our family-talk plan, she got a paper route which she has had for almost 2 years and she now gets food stamps. Her car broke down and last month we took a trailer and went to get her car and did repairs (hubby has auto repair shop) and returned the car to her in two weeks time). Daddies have a hard time seeing daughters in need. Also he does not read on this board so does not have the "education" I have about meth. Is this more than you wanted to know?
Rachel
sue76
Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
I am the wife of an addict. He is 3 and a half months clean. He is 32.

Quote:


My son is respectful, polite, and almost never asks us for anything. Also, he avoids us most of the time. He is physically in good shape, eats and sleeps fairly regularly. He has been using for more than 5years. I am confused.

Some people are able to maintain longer than others.

coffee
diva
Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
Wife of a 37 year old addict, who threw out 5 years of sobriety to play the meth game again.
Currently he is abstaining, for about 6 months now. Still using pot though.
My hubby was a user all through his 20's. (I wasn't with him at this time, but we have known each other since high school). He was respectful and polite as well. He called himself the 'niles crane' of drug addicts because he tried really hard not to look like one.
This last run, all of 2005, he looked like @#%$, but still managed to fool a lot of people. He was still polite to everyone else. He kept to himself a lot also.
I don't know why some people spiral down faster than others.
kmb2006 Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
I am the wife of a 31 year-old addict. He started using in early 2002. He was clean but not in recovery from late 2003 to early 2005. Possibly abstaining now.
JUST
CATS
Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
I was the fiancée of a meth addict. He was the love of my life, until he found meth, and loved it more than he did me.
Greg is currently 42, and incarcerated due to a felony probation violation, stemming from meth.
I am sure that he will go back to using, once he is released. I seriously think that when he goes back to using, he will die this time. He had too many close calls before.
gillian
marie
Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
I am the 28 year old wife of an addict. My husband and I have been together 13 years and married for 4 1/2. He has been using for 3 years that I know of. It started in the car sales business...sell. sell...sell. Long hours and lots of pressure. I was completely unaware he was using for 2 years. He slept every night and ate and I would only notice small things, like coming home late and spending lots of time in the garage. I finally figured it out...there is hope out there. Don't give up--I didn't!
kathy Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
I am a mother of a 24 year old son that is a user.
We, his family have been thru hell with him. Right now he is at a 6 month rehab and doing good, but we take one day at a time. We have been disappointed at every turn. It is very confusing, my heart goes out to you. That is what this board is all about. And we are here for you.
LivesWith
Wolves
Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
I am the mother of a (soon to be 20 year old) son. He has been using drugs for 7 years. At 16 he was sent to an out of state Rehab for 13 months (forced to go). A little over a year ago, we found out about the Meth use. We offered the street or In Patient Rehab and he choose the Rehab for 30 days. He did well, and went into a Safe House where he was kicked out after 2 months.

I rescued him and he has been living in a trailer on my property for the last year. I believe he is abstaining from Meth (but does Pot regularly and who knows what else). He avoids us, lies, steals, refuses to work. He hasn't paid for anything and will not do any chores. Has a very hard time keeping his place clean and picked up. He has had severe ADHD and other learning disabilities all his life. His parents were addicts on the street and he was taken away and thrown into the system at 1 year of age.

Like your son - he is very sweet, doesn't get angry, loving. He has had the same steady girlfriend for one year and they plan on marrying. She is a very nice girl from a nice family.

I don't believe he is doing Meth as there are many other obvious behaviors that present themselves when he does. He has damaged his heart with his drug use. 
draftmolly Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
I am the ex-wife of addict... he was 50 when we split, I was 40.

In my opinion your addict is behaving well because his addiction hasn't reached it's maximum yet.

To this day I have no idea when my ex started using. It was only until his addiction "blossomed" that he started acting like a typical addict. When the financial, physical and social cost was too great to hide....it got harder... people were less willing to "support" his habit, THEN he became desperate and with desperation came the anger, stealing, lies, dealing, etc.
mtgl7771 Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
i am a wife of an addict for 6 months now. He has gone down hill fast. He quit trying to work, was no help in the house, locked himself up in a room and barely said anything to me or the children. Looking back he has always had a problem with addiction in some way or another but has never (in the past) stopped working or being the man I married until now
sdm
sanjose
Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
Quote:
JDP quote:        I think it might have something to do with how many enablers they have around them.
Quote:
ChrisGonz quote:        circumstances play a major factor in drug use.
your son lives at home, just not in the house.
does he pay rent?
buy his own groceries?
pay bills?
raising kids?
married/involved?

SDM
Does he pay rent?                No

buy his own groceries?        He gets his food some place, seldom eats here
pay bills?                             He has no bills
raising kids?                        He has no kids
married/involved?                He has a girlfriend that claims she is no longer a tweeker

Quote:


ChrisGonz quote:
You know if someone had allowed me to live on their property while I was on my runs, worry free, I'd be real quiet too and rarely ask for anything. Never want to mess up a good thing that jack your high.

SDM
Some say I am en enabler, and they may be right.

Here are some facts to consider:

1        In the past Josh has been out of my property for over 5 years and using all the time
2        He seems to not have suffered enough during those 5 years to make any changes
3        He was beaten badly last year in a gang drug area
4        By Josh being here on our property we get to see him almost everyday
5        By Josh being here my wife and I are a LOT better!
6        With Josh being here my wife and I are not depressing to be around
7        All my family members are in favor of this compromised situation
8        Josh is not causing any problems at this time (see my first post above)
9        Josh does not appear to be in danger physically or emotionally.
I wrote a post several months ago and I think I titled it “Sophie’s Choice”. That was a movie where the mother had to choose which child she let the Nazis take to the death chambers.

Now I know my situation is not that dramatic but I do have to choose between my addicted son Josh and my other family members and myself. This was forced upon me by Josh's choices. If we were to put Josh in the street our family relations would suffer quite a bit. I remember some time ago when we flew to see my daughter and her family and this is what was said. My daughter said “Dad quit faking it like you are all happy, I know different” She was right. My little grandson ask my daughter in a very sad voice “ what is wrong with grandpa doesn’t he like me anymore” That is a killer!

Chris I do believe that your suggestion will come back to visit me in the future and I will probably follow some of what you are saying. However, for now I am just not strong enough to put him in the street. Sometimes I wish Josh would punch me in the face then maybe I could get tougher. Josh is a gentle soul that blames himself and that makes it difficult.

I know that some sort of crises is coming I just don’t know when. For right now I think I am going to take advantage of being partly emotionally healthy so that I can enjoy the rest of my family.

Thank you Chris for your post, I admire you!

chris
gonz
Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
You're welcome Stan...

I OFTEN wonder what I would do and I talk to my kids about it too.
What I've told both kids:
You start doing ANY kind of shyte, coke, crank, heroin, speed, anything...

I'm going over, knocking your azz out, duct taping you and keeping you with me for 18 months. I'm not kidding. I told them I would make sure they got clean, and when all was said and done, if they wanted to press charges, go ahead.

I don't know if they believe me, but they do know I'm crazy enough to buy duct tape and fix a room and yea, I would do it. But that's me. The 12 steps to insanity.. many of those steps fit me. I've seen enough. I don't want another generations going what I've gone through, nor do I ever want to condone dope.

My kids KNOW better than to bring any shyte around my home, but then too, they was raised the first 9/10 years with a strung-out mom. Although they were never able to figure it out and I still kept them from dealing family members, when I kicked FINALLY and started getting my shyte together, I started talking to them about drugs, hmmm say when they were 11/12.

Yea, I would never allow anyone to indulge in my home, not even dad with his booze.

Why??
Because then I show the other kids that it's okay to live like that. I've lived generations of cholo locos and all that stuff though, so I've had enough....

You know Stan, you do what you feel is right. It's your home, your son.
Most people don't agree with my methods, but you know, we all live different ways, grew up different ways.
That 'tough love', no helping, wouldn't fly in my family, because we don't get much help to start with. Not that there's no love, but if it ain't your birthday and you're past say 12, don't look for gifts or money...
You grown, mow a lawn.
That's why I can't see my daughter, if she had it, dope off 4 years of college. I MADE her work for shyte, clothes, makeup, braces, college, everything when she turned 16 AND she was EXPECTED to contribute to the grocery bill. My son too, did the same thing.

Maybe someday, if not already, you can go in his condo and have a heart to heart with him that will make him want to live another life.

Nobody can live your life for you or your son.

I fought my daughter's battles when she was growing up. Literally once, went up to the gang of cholitas and had an 'old school' heart to heart with her, never hit her, but let her know. First, I told her to go back home and get her mom....
She was the 'red's' gang wanna be leader.
I made her cry.
I saw her about 3 years later, she had a dress on and was catching the bus. She wasn't bangin' no more. Guess she couldn't hang with reality.

Anyway...
I'm just me. I know if I use again, it's the beginning of the end. I endured enough and now, really just want peace.
Maybe that's what they mean by hitting bottom.

Might start charging him rent and then throw in electricity, he won't move.
If he doesn't pay, start an eviction against him, you can do it with love....
Just so he sees that there are consequences and that regardless of the life he chooses, he has to maintain some sort of responsibility.

Do you know that a lady lost her kids and another was charged for 'allowing' drugs in/on her property.

You ought to see what your states says regarding drugs on your property and you knowing about it. You should also check what charges if any you could be charged with should your son, god forbid OD. I know people who have removed people who were OD/ODed off their properties so as not to be charged with anything.

Just because you don't see it, yet know it's there...
there might be some law against that.
chris
gonz
Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
and getting beat up in the drug area...
Stan, that's par for the game.

My brothers, when they were teens, would try and hang in the hood. They still lived at home, while I slept in parks. So I told them to go away, they were going to get burned...
nope, they stayed, got burned, robbed, and beat up.
Eventually, they quit coming around.

But that's us. My brother's don't do drugs anymore either.
I made one of my cousins leave on foot, I didn't want him there when Boo got up. We talked for a while first. I just told him to quit feeling sorry for himself and that he was just finding reasons to stay messed up and that instead, he should check himself in somewhere and start taking care of his family. So he left, went to my aunt's, heard the same thing, then checked into a clinic.

But you know Stan, it's on you. I know a lot of people who do things that others don't/won't/can't understand.

We're all different.

also...
why you got to put him in the streets? see, I don't get that. that would mess me up. but if you charged my strung out azz some rent, and let things be.. I'd stay and pay rent. Later, if you threw in the light bill, I might not be happy, but if you let my strung out azz stay and not bother me, then I'd stay. I mean, you're letting him be there, right? And he's strung out, right? So might as well tie up as much of his dope money as you can. ????

I know I'd try to burn you on some rent. hence, the eviction.

Then throw him in the streets OR give him the option of inpatient treatment for 18 months. 6-9 months is just enough to touch the surface, IMO.

I don't know how long he's been there, but it seems to me, it's been awhile. Draw up a rental agreement, month to month, so you can change it later to include lights.
Make him sign it. I think that would be a good start.
Or tell him in 2 weeks you're throwing him in the streets if he doesn't go to inpatient treatment. See what he does. 
sdm
sanjose
Re: Loved ones of an addict, which one are you?
Quote:
Chris's quote
Or tell him in 2 weeks you're throwing him in the streets if he doesn't go to inpatient treatment. See what he does

That is exactly what my wife and I have talked about a few times. Last week I sat down with the Executive Director of one of the inpatient Treatment facilities here in town. I am forming the plan. My wife is not ready to give him the ultimatum yet and I do not want to do it without her support. I could just do it anyway but I am not going to do it without my wife's support. We have suggested he go there in the past but he resisted quite strongly.

I don't want to say that only my wife has second thoughts, I do too. There is a good chance that he will go to jail again on August 30 so I am going to see what happens there.


See also:

Effects on the Family and loved Ones from Crystal Meth


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