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What type of contact should we have with meth addict?


johnju What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
About 3 weeks ago my wife and I discovered my 25 year old daughter is using meth. We think she has been using for about 4 months. We were out of state. We meet with an interventionist who had us write a script to use when meeting with our daughter to let her know her options. She was going to school and we have been supporting, she dropped out after a bad quarter.

At our meeting with her last week we told her we would stop all support if she would not go for an evaluation for the treatment she needs to quit. She refused to go to the evaluation we had setup. I informed her apartment manager we would not be paying her rent and told her bank we would not be putting anymore money into her account. We told our daughter to contact us when she is ready for us to take her for treatment.

My question is should we stay in contact with her encouraging her to quit and seek treatment or wait for her to contact us. I have read on the web users have to hit bottom before they are ready to get help. Should we talk on the phone and via text messages?
     Replies...
Meth
Phobia
Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
Hi John...I'm so sad to hear this happening to you and your family...

And you've already taken the first steps to stop enabling and to practice tough love.

When my hubby was using...I did everything I could do plus I didn't do everything I should not do...but nothing helped or made a difference.

Until he decided to quit...until he decided that enough was enough there was really nothing I or anyone else could do to change the situation.

I too let him hit rock bottom - and lots of prayers...plus the support from the people here made the difference.

Try and learn and educate yourself as much as you can - regarding this drug and its effects etc etc...so you know how to deal with her actions and reactions...

And come back here often...many more will come along to offer you all the advice and support that you will need at a time like this.

I wish you all the best and will be praying for you, your family and your daughter.
tray
bone74
Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
The only reason I can think of for not keeping in touch would be if you think you will fold and give her money or take her in before she decides to get clean. She does need to hit rock bottom or have something major happen to realize that she has made a mistake and then she will need your help.
Good luck, I hope this helps and you get her back soon, if she has only been using for 6 months though you may be in for a bumpy ride. It is possible though that she could let it go pretty easy if she has not been doing it hard core.
imget
inrite
Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
Quote:
My question is should we stay in contact with her encouraging her to quit and seek treatment

My answer is ...yes. In my opinion, She needs to know that there is options open, that you still love her, but that you wont allow this type of conduct. I think you are doing the right thing, But keep in touch with her and pray for her 

scared
mom
Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
When my son was using I did keep contact with him. I would not give him money but I would take him to lunch. He knew that the door was always open for communication but that we would not help him in anyway while he was using. When I got the motherly need to do something special for him I would bake him cookies. It allowed me to do something for him which made me feel good but did not enable him.

Keep coming back here. Weekends are slow but you will get plenty of useful information and suggestions here.
viking Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
Sadly I am saying welcome to yet another set of parents that are about to get an education in the horrors of meth addiction.

Glad you found this site as this forum can offer many supporters, as well as, insight to the addiction from a users point of view.

I have a 28 year old daughter who is having her life stolen away from her by this drug. I wish I could provide you with a blueprint to solving your daughters addiction, but it was never covered in any baby book I remember reading.

I have learned that until they are ready to put down the shovel they will keep digging themselves in deeper.
Bottom is up to them. Until then we have told our daughter that we will no longer help her out financially. It sounds like you have defined that line already. We let her know that we love her and only want the best life has to offer her, and when she is ready to stop using and get help we will be there for her. Until then we are backing off from her drama and stories. It is an evolving relationship and at the present time unpleasant. But tough love is.

We have turned it over to God.

My heart and my prayers go out to you, your daughter, and your family.
TnSkye Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
I think you should stay in contact with her. She should never think that you don't love her. Not ALL addicts hit bottom before they quit.

Give her the address to this website and tell her to at least learn what her life will be if she doesn't change.

I believe that if she'll come here, she will at least start thinking more about quitting. You are already planted a seed. Maybe coming here would be the water.
thefunny
farm9
Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
Hi,
First I want to say I am sorry for you and you will be in my prayers.
My sister is currently in a halfway house. She apparently used meth for years.
If I were in your position, I would stand strong about the money and be sure to express my views BUT I would not hold back Love, Compassion, or Contact.
I think that contact could be a good thing (depending on the situation)
It will give you a chance to tell your daughter just exactly how you feel about her (good) and just exactly how you feel about what she is doing (not good). If you think she is only in the early stages of addiction, I would fight tooth and nail to grab her back-RIGHT NOW.
I posted earlier about my sisters memory loss (yet she remembers every single thing the non drug users in her life did and said to her). I now know that when I didn't hear from her, she was doing awful.
My sister cannot recall a girl she kicked out of her house in a screaming fit of anger yet she can recall every single thing that our Dad has said to her in the last few years.
Don't give up-love her while she is unlovable and try to bring her back to where she is lovable. . And if she disappoints you, then what more has happened except you have still been in contact with her and have had some idea what is going on.
Even if she doesn't know it, she needs you badly right now, as bad as she needs the tough love.
I feel one can give both.
My heart goes out to you, I'll be praying
pcejp Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
John,

Sorry that you had to seek out this board. I hate this drug. I am the mother of a 17 year old recovering addict with 10 months meth free.

I applaud your stance on not providing financial support to her. Right now do your best to encourage her to seek treatment and if she is not ready, let her know how much you love her and will be there for her when she is ready.

I was "fortunate" that my daughter was a minor and we had control over treatment. Even with that, it was not easy. At one point we called the police to come to the house and give them the drugs we had confiscated from her room. She was informed that her drug charges would be pending and not pressed as long as she followed through with treatment. When we took her, she kept saying she didn't need it. She wouldn't say goodbye to her dad or me.

During her treatment of 4 months we put 10,000 miles on her vehicle visiting her. She knew we were there for her, supported her, and loved her very much.

One piece of advice I can give you is to learn everything you can about this addiction. This board is one great source and also for support. One of the things my husband and I did was realize we were not experts and talked to every expert we could. We then followed their advice by the letter. Luckily there are many professionals out there much smarter than us.

Best of luck to you and your daughter.
babee Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
I'm so sorry you and your wife are having to deal with this. The people here have much experience with the situation and will give you encouragement and guidance.

I can't tell you anything they will not tell you in much more detail and with better information.

I will say that IMHO as long as anyone is on this drug they are NOT thinking in normal terms. I do believe that they have to reach an extreme level of discomfort while using so that NOT using begins to look good to them.

Good luck and best wishes for your dtrs recovery.
johnju Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
To all of you who responded to my questions, thank you very much.

Based on your feedback I am writing lettera and sending text messages to her cell phone. Her voice mail box is full and I can't leave her messages. I will let her know everyday we love her, she needs to think hard about what she is going to herself and that our offer for treatment is always there. I will keep you posted and post more questions as they come up for us.

Thanks
Meth
Phobia
Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
Good to hear from you again ...

Yes please keep coming back because the support and knowledge that you can get here is nothing short of amazing...

And will definitely help you in this battle against this dreaded drug.

Don't give up and take care.
chris
gonz
Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
I have a 25 year old daughter. She doesn't do drugs, tried pot but hated the idea of mom schooling her on it, I figured if she was going to do it, don't get burned in the process.

FYI, I tried that with my son, but he thought it was cool and kept smoking. He's quit now, in fact getting ready to leave for boot camp soon. Another story.

With my youngest... She's forbidden period!!!

Anyway..
back to my 25 year old. I could see her trying a line...
she's works f/t, goes to school f/t, has a little one, and does everything she can think of by the book!!

With all she does, I could see her thinking a line could help her get through something.. or if we weren't close, using to mask a breakup  (her dad was a bit of a let-down), as it is.. we talk about EVERYTHING.. guys, drugs, music, the baby... everything.

But, IF she were to use, I'd want to know WHY. WHAT made her think drugs would be the answer. I would NOT go tough love at her at an early stage in drug use. No, I would stand by her and probably bug her until she broke down and told me.

When she was a teen, and I saw changes, I'd practically beg her to tell me because it hurt too much to see her like that and she eventually would and we'd talk. We've fought too.

I'd wait on the tough love IF this is her first run with dope. I would definitely cut her off financially and take the baby. I would turn her in day 1 if she didn't let me take the baby. But I'd stay in touch big time and remind her of how much we love HER, not the person she'll become. If she weren't educated about drugs I would educate her with the quickness. Pics, poems, all that.

that's what I'd do.
chris
gonz
Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
IF this was my daughter's first run, I'd take her in. HELL YA!!

If we didn't know shyt about meth, I'd learn quickly. Everything. I'd go with her to skid row, show her real strung-out people. I'm a nut though, so ???? It's just so sad to see someone start out in a life of drugs.

Maybe if she's 'hiding' from you, go to an NA group meeting and ask if you can record the meeting or stories for your daughter to hear and send her the tape/cd. She might listen to it. Keep going, cause you're going to need some back-up, and keep keeping in touch with her.

But if you're scared or shielded persons, you might think that scary...
it's scary to be addicted too, it's scary what we can become or what we'll see.
Reality can be scary...
worst than that, it can be sad.

God forbid, you'll have to show her what tough love is. Yes, we have to make the choice to quit, we also have to know what's really out there.

Please dear Lord, help this family, show your light on them.

You are all in my prayers and positive thoughts.
chris
gonz
Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
How long has your daughter been attending college?

What quarter did she mess up on? That really sucks to fail out on classes when you've worked your azz off.

I went for years and earned a couple of computer degrees.
It was a LOT of work..

This might sound messed up, but..
Thank GOD I'm sick and can use the medical excuse to get back in grace when I didn't make the grades. And there were times I didn't.

College is hard. What's she studying? Does she have a major???

Damn!! I hope she snaps her head back on straight before she doesn't something really stupid like get a conviction or ticket or ripped off or dropped off somewhere.

Stay strong and positive.

Find out as much as you can about EVERYTHING meth/speed dope related.

Remind her of her clean driving record if she's got one. And her credit, she'll need that to buy a home and a bad azz car or furniture or both.

Tell her we love her!!!
TerryCa Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
You can tell/ask/beg her to get treatment but she will seek help only when she really wants it. She probably figures she has no problem.

Her daughter doesn't need to have to deal with this nightmare.

I would keep in touch with your daughter. Be aware until she is off drugs you have to be careful believing her stories.

You are among company here I'm in your shoes also.

Love/patience to you
chris
gonz
Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
Sometimes when you don't know, you don't know.

I've got 13 years clean now after drugging since I was 12.

Thank GOD, I had a street-smart cousin who gave a @#%$, because tough love when you have no clue is inhumane!!!

Even a hurt dog is picked up by most off the street.

Once she knows, then she'll know, but IF this is all new to these people, putting your on her own when she's ALREADY messed up is wrong.

She wasn't this way when they left town a few months ago.

But again, this is ALL what I would do. I too have a clean good daughter, and I was strung out for years!!! It was horrible. When I turned to my dad and he helped me, I got clean, I relapsed much later on my next 'hard' life lesson, but that was on me and yea he showed me tough love. He told me he wouldn't put up with me so much as having a cotton in his house or he'd throw me and mine out. I didn't!!

I didn't get and STAY away from the dope until I started focusing on WHY I was an addict. WHY I loved to shoot.

Again I say...
If you don't know, you don't know.
Ldy
Lesa
Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
We will not allow her to visit in our home without other family members present right now because of the violent behavior she has shown in the past. She is welcomed to any family gathering though....and that does include our home. She wanted a calling card to keep in touch with us....but we've offered to allow her to call us collect instead. We are not sending her anything...and I stress ANYTHING...because we know that anything physical can be and will be turned into drug money someway.

When she calls...and she's crying, upset about something. We do not comfort too much. We let her know that its her choices that have put her in this problem. We always try to finish any phone call with the words "I love you" or "we love you" but we do not say "I'm sorry".

We hope someday she says she's sorry and means it....I take that back. I think often she does mean it...she just doesn't do anything to make a change yet.
johnju Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
This in response to some of the questions and comments. Again thank you very much for your suggestions, questions and support. We took the tough love approach on the recommendation of an interventionist he coached.
We have not seen or talked to our daughter since June 13 when we gave her the option of going into treatment or losing all support from us. She chose meth. Based on the feedback on this forum we decided to contact her. We have called her, sent text messages and mailed her letters and have had no response from her. Not a single word. I called her apartment manager last week to see if she is still around. He sees her come and go and also sees a lot of guys going in and out of her apartment.

We sent her a text message tonight, letting her know we will visit her tomorrow, she lives about a hour away, and want her to sign some papers giving her title to her car. Now I am on the title also. When she is just on the title we will cancel her insurance. We think she will not be at her apartment when we get there though.

We think about her all time and are very sadden by what she is doing to herself.

Thanks for your support and I will let you know the outcome of our visit.
chris
gonz
Re: What type of contact should we have with meth addict?
So you haven't seen her since 6/13.

You did the tough love approach first and then text-messaged her??

IMO, that was done in reverse. That's just me though.

If she's not there? What's the plan on the car?? co-signing is a bad idea because she can still legally drive the car and you can be held legally responsible for it.

hmmm....
if there's an extra set of keys...
get a room and go pick it up when she's home.

unless of course she's willing to go to treatment.
she's old enough to know she's making poor choices, she knows you're there for her and won't take no BS.

soo...
she knows.

I would take the car and let her have it back when it is just in her name.

I wouldn't give her money if she chooses to stay on her own, nor would I take her groceries, I would however remind her she could come home or go to treatment.

This is just me trying to envision my 25 year old daughter in your daughter's shoes.

I could be way off!!

See also:

Daughter is Using Meth


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