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Ever feel like nobody understands?


Kathy as
cmom
Ever feel like nobody understands?
Lately, I've felt very lonely. Maybe it's because I'm living in a new city after living in one place for 25 years. I have a new marriage but his family has no history of addiction. I talk to him sometimes but everything is black and white and practical and logical. He doesn't understand how I can be so strong one minute and falling apart the next. If it weren't for this board I would probably be insane. There are a few people on here that I talk to on the phone from time to time. Since receiving custody of my granddaughter back, my time for "me" is limited. Inside I am dying. My daughter is back in jail and probably facing a major prison sentence. On the outside I am tough (and at times I really am). I won't accept her phone calls from jail or do anything to help her. I received her 1st letter to her daughter today and in it she said she understood how I felt but in the 2nd sentence she asked me to send her 2 sports bra's and ask me to call a rehab to check on openings. I will do neither. This is her 3rd time around and nothing I have done in the past is working. Have you guys ever felt like "nobody can possibly understand unless they've walked in your shoes?" I've become friends with several of the mothers here and we've gotten close. I've also become close to a couple of recovering addicts. The one I depended on the most has moved on with their life and they so much deserve it. I just feel lost. I know this is something I have to deal with but after almost 7 years I wonder "how much longer?" I probably shouldn't have even posted this tonight when I was feeling down but here I am, bearing my soul. I love you guys.
     Replies...
Imget
inrite
Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
I know as a addict.....I find it very hard to talk with people that have not been addicts themselves.
I mean, I have friends...But to actually talk to someone ..Not many people can understand what I have been through, unless they have been there themselves.

I have a roommate that tries to make conversation...but, I just cant connect with her. We are friends...but we just don't " get " each other.

So, yes, I feel that way also.
I am sorry you are going through this and I hope things get better for you.....Lonely Is a horrible place to be...
angie
Ncali
Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?

I wish there was something I could say that would ease your pain or that could make everything alright - because if I could I would. I do however think your doing the right thing - by not doing even the small things - because after time even the small things are painful - when you see they never help to change the outcome. Just like with my mother and with myself the only one who can help her is her and maybe realizing she has gotten herself into this hole and she will have to get herself out - might be a good thing - once i was finally backed into that one man corner with no one to turn to - - - I was terrified and I dug and dug until I got out - I think that is what has given me this since that even though right now I feel like my world is falling down around me - I know in the end - - - I'll be okay.

I will pray for your daughter ---- pray that her bottom is there somewhere and that she finds it quickly.

((((((((BIG HUG))))))))))))


Sorry this wasn't more helpful - but I am lucky to even be making complete sentences at this point ....

dells Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
Kathy, all I can say is that you are in my prayers! Sending hugs & love to you and little Madison. Call me anytime.

If I lived close, you would find me at your front door, coffee cup in hand.....as most of here would also. Try to stay strong, give all over to God, pray for the best, that's surely what you deserve!
Guene Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
(((((((HUGS)))))) Kathy, I felt that way for years and I think its normal for us Mothers to feel that way, nobody understands how hard it is for a Mother to watch there daughter destroy themselves and act like its know big deal. I use to feel so alone and lost all the time, then I found you guys and went to counseling and it helped more than I can say, I'd be lost without the board. I have made so many good friends on this board.

I wish you could find peace with your life and be happy again. Maybe you should think about counseling too, it's something I use to say I wouldn't do it, but I'm glad I did and we have became good friends too. Love and Hugs
mmkf1 Kathy
you belong to a club nobody wants to belong to. my in-laws never have admitted that this is what took their sons life. my family doesn't even know. nobody does except my cyber friends and a few close others. my kids don't even know. I tried to talk about it but nobody would listen. denial.

my brother has abstained for 2 years and has never reconciled with his kids - the hell they went through has never been addressed and they've never understood. my sister has abstained for over a year and the same with her kids except she has them with her.

I don't know all the answers - I sure wish I did. I miss him every day and wish he could be here and not missing out on so very much.

i'm so sorry you're feeling so down. I know that pain in a different way and I wish I could help take it away.
michell
einwa
Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
Hi Kathy,

I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely, and lost. I can relate to the discouragement you're feeling about your daughter.

My son, Michael has struggled with his addiction for several years, and been in and out of jail (currently in).
Hasn't been in prison, and i pray that it won't lead to that.

I know that feeling of "how much longer???" How much longer till they finally "get it," till it finally "clicks," or whatever has to happen in their lives. For my son, he has become a Christian in the last year, and I can see a new peace and strength in his life...but he's got a ways to go.

What we wouldn't give to make things "okay" for our kids. I have often thought i would take Michael's place, if I could...(and of course in my mind, find a way out of the hell that he's gone through.)

In any case, your post was a comfort to me & I wish you peace my friend.
Penel0pe Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
Kathy, posts like this are the ones that make me feel small and really dumb... as the addict, it is hard for me to comprehend what it must be like from your side of the fence. I only know what it is like from Carrie's side...

The one thing I can always say to you, whether it helps you I don't know...

The one thing I THINK I know about you is that Madison is so lucky to have you in her life. Consider the alternative for her - foster care with strangers? She doesn't have to go through that because she has you.

I admire you so much for that - for being the kind of person who steps up to the plate and does the right thing, no matter how hard it may be. So many of the kids caught in the crossfire of addiction aren't as fortunate as Madison - lots of those kids come from generations of addicts and literally don't have a grandma who can be there for them.

I am incapable of understanding things from your perspective - I can only guess. But seeing you for the great person you are doesn't take much guessing or speculation - THAT part is obvious.

You are a good person, a wonderful grandma, and I admire you very, very much. I'm sorry for your pain.
Kell
happy
Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
Kathy,

I know what you mean about the feeling that people who haven't experienced something you have just don't understand. At least, I feel like people who have "been there" understand MORE. Sometimes people surprise you, and are pretty cool even when they haven't been there. I think I know what you mean about some people not understanding the roller coaster-y feelings, too. It's hard to keep our feelings in the realms of "black and white". Men want to fix us, our problems, want to know what they can DO. We want to talk, at least that's me most of the time.

I really think you're doing the right thing with your daughter. She needs to check on rehab herself. She needs to do things for herself.

Being the care-giver of a little one can be extremely isolating. I know about that. My son just turned one. I just moved to a new town, and my one girlfriend who lives over here too has gone down to San Diego with her fiancé's work for most of the last year. It's so lonely. This board actually provides me with the majority of the adult conversation I get most days. Even more than I get spending time with my husband, because his work and commuting schedule is nuts.

I'm really glad you keep posting about how you're feeling. I wish you weren't feeling so low, but I know it can be even worse when you can't talk about it with anyone at all. I want to send you all the love and support I have. Give me a PM sometime if you'd like my email.
music
girl99
Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
Hi Kathy,
I know what you mean. In a way, it's true. We each have our own unique thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
But on a basic fundamental level, we do understand.
I know pain. I know loneliness. I know heartache. Just like you. We have those things in common.
Don't sell yourself short. For a long time I've seen your kindness, strength, and sensitivity to the needs of others.
You have personally helped me find inner strength that I didn't know was there.
You stepped up to the plate with Madison. If it wasn't for you she would be in state custody right now.
You are an outstanding human being.
I think it's OK that you're feeling down right now. Just know that it will pass.
Carrie is going to do what she will do. You raised her right. She has the tools she needs to live her life. It's her job to put those tools to use.
You're the new kid in your new town. Have you gotten out and met some of the people? Is there a coffee shop where you can go? Wal-Mart even? You're probably surrounded by nice people. They probably won't understand, but they don't have to. Just being around pleasant people is good for the soul.

Here I go rambling again....
Thinking of you
Lepre
chaun
Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
Kathy,
How long you going to stay at the party and you know what party im talking about, we have been over this a thousand times. Reality your daughter is done her life is over as she knows it, she made her choices and she is an adult, now she must pay the price for her choices, she will get her rehab in the joint don't worry about it. Madison is in the best possible place she could be, God works in mysterious ways and he made sure she was in the care of the person who can provide the spiritual upbringing she needs not to mention the care and love that will carry her through the rest of her life. I have told you will never understand addiction unless you are addicted, take my word on it, it is complex and even us addicts don't understand it at times, and some addicts never do. My suggestion to you is check and see if your knees bend and if they do get down on them and ask God for some strength and guidance, he never gives us more than we can handle and he helps us when we ask. And lastly put your thoughts and feelings on paper and remember to be brutally honest when you write them down just getting them out helps whether is through talking or writing. Carrie made her bed let her lie in it but don't let her addiction destroy you she has the greatest mother in the world but the sad thing her addiction wont let her know that. As long as there is life there is hope. Time and patients.

P.S. I haven't moved on I'm just adjusting to a different life.
Rachel
sue76
Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
Kathy,
I am sorry that you are having such a hard time lately. Of course you are lonely. You just moved to a new place after living in the same place for 25 years. Who wouldn't be a little lonely?
Quote:
Have you guys ever felt like "nobody can possibly understand unless they've walked in your shoes?"

Yes. But, that is why we are all here to try and understand each other.

I hope that you can get a little bit of time for yourself today. I know that sometimes that is easier said than done

I don't know how many times it is going to take for your daughter or how long it is going to take but that is all in her hands. How we as loved ones deal with the people that we love that are addicts is all in our hands. We can either choose to let it destroy us or we can choose to make the best out of what we have been given

music
girl99
Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
Kathy, have you ever thought of it this way?

Do you really want anyone to walk a mile in your shoes? They will be a whole mile away and they'll have your shoes!

Just a thought
Kathy as
cmom
Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
Thank you all for your responses. Musicgirl, you're my buddy and I know you are dealing with issues of your own. Imgetinrite thanks for taking the time to respond as well as mfk, michelleinwa, Rachelsue. Angie, you know you're my favorite and my heart breaks for the things you are going through but yet you still reach out to others. Penelope, you are always there with kind, reassuring words. Dells, I know you've walked in my shoes and I am so thankful your granddaughter has her mother back. Kell, we go back a long way and I'm glad to see you back here again. Guene, you are another who never fails to respond to my posts. I know since you've moved it has almost been a relief not to have to deal with things on a day to day basis. That was a hard decision to make but you made the right one. Lep, yep we've had this conversation a million times. I know everything you say is right but can you please tell me how to make it stop hurting? I guess when it stops hurting I will leave the party. Just because I've let go doesnt mean I don't still love my daughter. I've accepted the fact that she is facing major time and there is not one thing I can do to help her but tell me how to take the burden off my heart and stop caring. My knees have spent many nights on the floor lately. More than you can possibly imagine. I thank God everyday I have Madison. She could have been in that car that day when Carrie was arrested and God only knows, she could be in foster care right now. I will stick to my guns, Lep. I will not cave in this time. My phone is still blocked and I have had no correspondence with her. (but can you please tell me how to make it stop hurting)
Your friend,
TerryCa Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
Kathy,

It's hard to stop worrying and caring because you look at Madison each day and night which is a reminder of Carrie. By looking at Madison and saying "Thank you Carrie for such a beautiful grandbaby," may help ease the resentment that I feel you may have for Carrie right now.

I understand the way your feeling too.  Please be comforted knowing that she is safer where she's at then living the prior life. I mean, if I hear/see an ambulance or fire truck driving towards my daughter's house I get freaked out and try not to bawl like a baby cause I wonder if she's over dosed or what.

For me, I often first deal with the issues and then later deal with my emotions (Weird, probably).

You and I can't and don't want to walk in the shoes our children have. Lets learn and move on.

Life is good Kathy! I hope you will enjoy it!
up
against
thewall
Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
"""but can you please tell me how to make it stop hurting?""

It will not stop, it may dull a little, but it won't stop. I walk in your shoes also, my dd is not in jail but I don't know where she is. The only thing I know for sure these days is I did the best I knew how raising her, and she did what she wanted after that. I pray for her and I thank God for watching over her, because he knows where she is and he knows this mom's heart. It is very lonely, even when friends and family are around I find myself feeling lonely. I shared so much with my dd when she was at home growing up and now I miss those times. I am learning to share these moments with my grandsons (her sons) and my granddaughter. And even though I stay busy, with work and home and visits with dgd I still have those feelings of needing to share things that only a momma and daughter can. I know those feelings Kathy. You are so correct in saying that only those who are going through it know how it feels.
I started journaling and that did help a little. Most days are so full lately, I have very little quite time for my head to fill with those thoughts, but when they do and I start feeling down again, I get hugs from the boys and I am reminded that at least I know where they are, I know they are happy and healthy, and can't be hurt by what their mom does. Issues will probably occur as they grow up and start questioning, but I can't worry about that now. I will face it when it happens.

Off my soapbox.... Kathy hang in there and know, nothing you did caused Carrie to turn to drugs, it was her choice, and didn't you raise her to make choices for herself. It does hurt, it will hurt because you feel like you were suppose to protect her from making wrong choices. But when she turned 17 your influence over her was basically over and she started making life decisions on her own. Think about if you did not know where she was or what she was doing, how much worse it would be.
Sending blessings your way. You might want to invest in one of those gardener's knee pad thingie's, I did.
ladyof
sunshine
Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
Kathy, I can identify with you in your loneliness. I have lots of friends, but only one with whom I have ever shared that my daughter is addicted, and we don't mentioned it very often. Actually, I didn't share with her; my husband shared with her husband and he with her. I don't share because I cannot get past the embarrassment and fear of what people will think. And somehow I still hope daughter will recover so I'm "protecting" her reputation by keeping it secret. She lives 250 miles away and when she comes home (which is seldom) she doesn't see anyone. I am a prime example of being lonely in a crowd of people; laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.

I know it must be hard for you to explain to Madison and to others why she cannot live with her mom. She is so blessed to have you in her life.

We must stay strong, one day at a time. As someone responded earlier, be thankful to Carrie for the beautiful life of Madison.

Love and prayers
TerryCa Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
Yes, I can relate, who do you talk with about your daughter's addiction/incarceration? Why does everyone else's family seem "Normal?"
Quote:
I'm "protecting" her reputation

LadyofSunshine, I worry about that too because I live in a small town. I'm thinking probably a lot of people already know about her using but simply look the other way as long as they're not being bothered by it. 

Kathy, the hurt I hope will go away or ease up through meditation, counseling and talking with friends.

Peace to you!

upagainst
thewall
Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?

"Actually, I didn't share with her; my husband shared with her husband and he with her. I don't share because I cannot get past the embarrassment and fear of what people will think. And somehow I still hope daughter will recover so I'm "protecting" her reputation"

Lady of sunshine I don't understand how what your child decided to get into, embarrasses you. I believe her reputation is up to her to protect. I tell anyone who asks me that my daughter chose drugs. It should not reflect on me or how she was raised. Even pastor's children make choices that are not pleasing to the parent's.
Sorry I did not mean to take this off topic. I do not understand being embarrassed by what our children do. We raise them up with values and morals. Take them to church faithfully and then set them free to choose.

jacksmom Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
I'm not one to embarrass easily either.

I think embarrassment can sometimes prevent us from doing/acting in a way that may actually be more helpful. I figure those people that judge me negatively by what my daughter's done are not folks I care to be around. And if people cannot except my daughter's past then so be it!

We can't make everyone happy...

But we can sure give them something to talk about at the next 'lady's luncheon'!

I was pretty lucky. My best friend since I was 10, her daughter went through the meth thing a number of years back. I have someone close that understands.
ladyof
sunshine
Re: Ever feel like nobody understands?
Jacksmom,

Quote:


I was pretty lucky. My best friend since I was 10, her daughter went through the meth thing a number of years back. I have someone close that understands.

So, your friend's daughter recovered? I know that must give you lots of hope. Did your daughter know about her daughter?


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