KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Son in rehab but I feel sad!

tearful mom	son in rehab I am new to the boards, but have been reading them for quite awhile. Sunday I finally got my son in rehab for his meth addiction. He will be 27 next week. He has been living at home for over 2 years. This has been so hard on all of the family. We have tried to help him on our own, and nothing helped. He is your typical story of lying and denial until it could go on no longer. I thought I would feel better once I found him help, but I have not stopped crying since we put him on the plane. I can't stop thinking about what he is doing at every moment. When he was at home I worried all the time too, but I am surprised at how sad I am. How did any of you feel when your loved one finally got help. Thanks.
Replies...
pcejp	Re: son in rehab First of all, welcome. I can certainly relate to what you are going through. My daughter was in rehab this time last year. I knew she was getting the tools she needed for recovery and I should have been overjoyed. Maybe it was the emotional trauma of the past years, but I remember crying almost every night she was in treatment. It will get better, but it might take some time. Remind yourself that your son is where he needs to be. If I can give only one piece of advice, this would be it: FOLLOW THE COMPLETE TREATMENT PLAN. After my daughter's 30 day residential treatment, it was recommended she go to a woman's halfway house for 90 days. She was so against this option and wanted to come home. We held firm and told her that she could not come back until she had completed everything. Before she returned home, the counselor, my daughter and us completed a contract that she needed to honor. Congrats on your son getting a new chance at life. My daughter has over one year of being drug free and she is happy. She learned so much about herself during treatment and in the halfway house. Her self esteem was brought up and she now feels proud of herself. Best wishes for you and your son during his rehab.
imlost inky	Re: son in rehab *Quote:* How did any of you feel when your loved one finally got help For me with my sister, just as emotional, upset, worried, anxious as I had been when she was out using. By the time she agreed and sought help, it had been a long road. I had seen her go down to just nothing- to lose her mind- to become so suicidal it was a minute by minute worry that she would kill herself. There is a reason they have family night in group counseling- because the family needs just as much help as the addict. We are all sick by the time rehab comes into play. Follow the complete plan- for sure. Also, Mom, seek out some support for yourself. The addict isn't the only one who suffers. We all do. Take care of you- get help for you- be kind to you. Congratulations for your son in taking the help that is there. That is a very good step in the right direction. Now get your help That way the whole family heals.
Lives With Wolves	Re: son in rehab My son was shipped away to a Rehab Facility when he was 16 (he is 20 now) for drugs. He was there for 13 very long months. I couldn't afford to travel to see him, but was able to do it one time. He did not work the program and was EXTREMELY DEPRESSED. The money ran out and he came back home and went back to drugs here and there. With a lot of intervention and help we were able to get him through his GED courses. 1-1/2 years ago, he went back into Rehab when we found out he was doing Crystal Meth (smoking it). He was there for 1 month, went to a half way house for 2 months, but that did not work and he was asked to leave. I took him in and he has stayed in a rental on my property. The first year his brain was mush and he had zero motivation. After that, things started to look up. He was doing well, but not holding a job. 2 weeks ago, he just relapsed and was living with serious Meth addicts. He just came home last night, is straight, and wants to make something of his life. I believe he has learned something. This is so not easy. Read and educate yourself about Meth and addiction. I would recommend getting some books on Codependency and enabling. If you don't, it will eat you alive and you will not have a life either. I just bought some books on Tough Love and such. It is important now for you to focus on YOU. Live your life. You did not cause his addiction. You can not control his addiction. You can not cure his addiction. Work on you. Be happy. Life is too short.
luve piphany	Re: son in rehab Mom, please check into Al-Anon or NarAnon meetings in your area. Sharing your pain and learning tools to quiet the crying and lighten your heart from hearing others just like you tell their experience strength and hope is the most healing thing you can do for yourself along with the love and prayers I'm sure you have practiced tons! You aren't alone
tearful mom	Re: son in rehab Thank you everyone for your response. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I am happy he is getting help, but I guess the reality of his addiction is hitting me in the face. I have known it but now it is truth. I guess even family has to go through this moment by moment, hour by hour and day by day. I am glad there is a place like this for me to come to. I have learned so much here in the past months. Thank you everyone.
Kathy as cmom	Re: son in rehab Dear Tearfulmom, As another mother of an addict, feel safe and secure in that your child is in rehab. My daughter is in jail for her 3rd charge and facing major prison time. These are our children and we love them unconditionally but we can love them from afar. I have custody of her daughter. There is not a day that goes by that I do not cry for my granddaughter. Pray for your son and your sons recovery.
Guene	Re: son in rehab Hello Mom, I'm Bobbie and My daughter is a meth addict too, we tried for 8 years to help her, but nothing we did helped, so this year we sold our house and move to another state. Told her she had to grow up and start facing her own problems. We gave her a truck, got her an apartment and help get her PG&e and phone and we left. She's doing ok, and she still has her job, she has some problems, but she is working on them not us, we can't baby-sit her the rest of our lives, we needed to find ourselves again. It was the hardest thing we ever did, but we had to. We couldn't live like that anymore. I could go on and on but I'm glad your son went to a rehab, and I pray that he will find his way. God Bless you, its hard very hard, you want to protect them and save them, but you can't Mom, they have to find there own way. Hugs Bobbie
Bent But Not Broken	Re: son in rehab Tearful Mom, May I ask if your son was placed in rehab via an intervention such as on A & E TV's "Intervention" show? I'm 24 days clean and recovering from meth w/o rehab. but am in counseling, using "Celebrate Recovery" as my "step" method since AA and NA where I live aren't useful to me, and the folks here are great, and I have a sponsor who was in NA now converting to Celebrate Recovery. My friend who uses has abandoned his wife and children to meth and lives in a nasty, filthy, trailer where they cook and sell. His wife has been diagnosed bi-polar and his children and wife are mostly being cared for by her family. His parents refuse to think their son is doing meth. If they would wake up, we would avail ourselves of A & E Intervention immediately. God Bless You and your family and be glad your son is in rehab.
tearful mom	Re: son in rehab I called rehab this morning to check on my son. They said he has been sleeping most of the time since he arrived. They told me this was normal. We did not have a formal intervention. We had been talking to rehab about how to handle the situation. My husband had been in a bit of denial as to the urgency of the situation. He believed so much of the promises and lies my son would spin. My son and I had always been very close until his drug problem started to get worse. I think it is because he knew I would not let up on him and was always on him. When my husband talked to the people at rehab he realized very quickly that our son needed more than just us. It was hard to watch my husband grasp in a matter of minutes what I had known for a long time. We decided to have his bags packed and by the door when he came home. We had rehab on standby for his arrival and had checked out all flights. When he got him he was furious. Tried to bargain with us, he tried everything he could to make us back down. For the first time in years we stood our ground and didn't budge. He has lived at home for over two years, we have paid his way, no rent, no car payments, no insurance payments, no groceries all of his money went straight to drugs. Never money in the bank always over drawn. He was at the bottom, only he didn't know it because we made his life so comfortable. It was the biggest mistake I have ever made. We were loving him so much we were letting him get worse. He chose to leave. He spent a few nights in his car. He has lost all of his old friends. He came back and tried to bargain again. Finally at 4 am we made plane reservations, called rehab and got him on the plane Sunday morning. Now we are just waiting. I don't think I will every be able to forgive myself for not being stronger sooner. I know I need to focus on the positive that he is there, but I can't stop feeling like I let him down over the years by not being stronger. Thank you all for your kind words.
Paws from hell	Re: son in rehab I'm a recovering addict myself. And as I was reading your post the thoughts that I can only add here are: You did good Mom, real good ! That's All.
tearful mom	Re: son in rehab Paws from hell...When I read your post...as simple as it was...it made me cry. Thank you, I needed to hear that.
Guene	Re: son in rehab Mom, You are a good Mom, don't ever blame yourself because it's not your fault, you didn't tell him to do drugs he chose. But you did enable him for awhile, just like I did. You should really go to counseling or some kind of problem to help you deal with these feelings of yours. I went to counseling for a long time and coming here has helped me so much. We can't blame ourselves for their lives, they knew what they were doing. I pray that your son will go through with this and start a new life. Hugs
pcejp	Re: son in rehab When my daughter was in treatment, we were told over and over for us to use that time to do some healing for ourselves. I didn't, but sure wish I had. Go to meetings, talk/cry on a good friend's shoulder, do things that you enjoy but haven't in a long time. Take care of you right now!
wacky dac	son in rehab Not so fast. First of all it's great your son is in rehab, this is a good first step. Now you must learn what your son learned in rehab. After 5 or 6 trips to rehab my daughter told me all she really learned was how to do it better, how to hide it better and how to lie and conceal it better. You must remember that they are rubbing elbows with all the other addicts and can develop quite a network in rehab. My daughter would point out to me all the people on the street that she met in rehab they all were still seeking the thrill as she still was. More meth. LISTEN TO PCEIP: SHE IS RIGHT ABOUT the halfway house. He will also need to join NA this is were the most good will come. I know I don't sound upbeat but this is not an upbeat struggle. It is an uphill struggle with your sons life in the balance. You can never let down your guard nevvvvvvvvver ever ever. Mt daughter had MS and was 7 months clean off meth. I let my guard down and did not lock up her new prescription for methadone she died 28 hours after filling it. from acute methadone intoxication. This is a true war and we are all the soldiers. Learn every thing you can about meth and pills you will need to know it for you and your son to fight.
Paws from hell	Re: son in rehab Mom; All this above is great advice. May I please add; Your Son, has to recover on his own. Not every program works for everyone. Take Care of MOM.
tearful mom	Re: son in rehab wackydac...I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I can't imagine what you must feel. I understand what you are telling me, and I will listen, but...I have to believe, if I don't there is no hope. I will not let my guard down, but I will hope, pray and believe that he will come through this whole. I will keep you in my prayers and I hope you will keep my son in yours.
JamieJ 1979	Re: son in rehab That's great that your son went to rehab. Good luck, you have a tough road ahead of you. I hope things work out. As far as a recovery program when he gets out, this is essential. NA doesn't work for everyone, there are other support groups out there so don't get discouraged if he chooses an alternative to NA. I feel that rehab alone usually doesn't work, it's the follow up care that really helps the addict stay on track. The more people they have to be accountable to the better. I'm a recovering addict and being accountable to my family, my counselor, my weekly recovery group, my doctor, my home group (NA) all help me stay clean. It's hard to fool that many people so if I were to use someone would know and I would've let that person down besides letting myself down. That thought helps me when times are tough. I'm pregnant so my unborn son is a huge motivation to stay clean. About the supporting him financially and how they just helped him continue to use. Don't feel bad. Many parents make the same mistake thinking they are helping. They don't want to see their child living on the streets. I've come to realize that sometimes times have to get really tough in order for the addict to want to change. I mean why quit when using hasn't really affected your life in a bad way? I mean as long as someone is paying the bills and the addict can spend their money on dope then life is great. It's when they have no access to money, no food, no shelter, no friends, nothing--that's when using starts to look pretty unattractive. Basically using drugs become not worth it when you have to give up shelter, food, money, car, all the nice comforts of normal life. I had to hit rock bottom in order to really want to stop using. I had to lose my apartment, I had to lose my car for awhile, I had to lose my job, everything basically in order to really want to change my life. When my parents made it easy on me to continue to use that's what I did--use. So please don't feel bad, my parents made the same mistake in the past. So have many other parents of addicts I know. Just try to be there for your son now. Read the book Codependent No More, even if you're not codependent it has lots of info on how to help the addict without enabling him/her. Take care and welcome to KCI.
wacky dac	Re: son in rehab Thank you tearful mom. Your son will have a good chance to recover with all the help you and networks can provide. your son is in my prayers and whatever happens he will be your son and you will love him. Jamie is right on with all that great information.
wacky dac	Re: son in rehab Jamie, Your story is wonderful it sounds so much like my daughters but unfortunately she didn't get that motivation early enough. Her daughter was ten when she cleaned up but she did clean up and totally on her own (a pretty hard road) Yes that baby boy is the motivation you need and have. I am very happy for you. You just go and love and love love that boy. All these stories must really help people it's good.