How can you prove he's using meth?

justus
3girls

How can you prove he's using meth?

All summer my husband seemed like a different person. I just thought he was depressed and tried to find fun things for us to do as a couple. We have two girls and long story short he asked for a divorce twice with different reason's why he thought we needed one. After the first time he begged me to stay and promised to go to counseling, well that never happened he asked again for a divorce then he said he wasn't in love with me anymore. I had taken a lot during the last 3 months and found phone records of him calling a girl and talking for 1/2 hour or more after him just looking at me and never being able to talk or answer simple questions. The girls and I now have our own house we are renting as of two weeks ago and now the stories are coming out from people who have seen him at a known meth house and the girls is heavy into it and everyone else who lives there. he is always there has lost about 40 pounds since the beginning of the summer. My question is in regards to custody and visitation of our children if this girl moves in with him and they start doing it at the house? I haven't said anything to his family or him that I know what I do I have spoken with a councilor at a drug rehab place and he advised me not to be the one to do that. I am torn between just leaving it alone and how can I if it might put my children in danger? What do I do?

Replies...

cortyshell

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

When I had my custody and child support hearing my lawyer just told the judge about the meth usage and the judge, took away all my son's fathers rights....

He can't see my son or make any decisions regarding my son, but he is supposed to pay support...

Where's my Check?!?!?!?!?!

sabino1

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

Welcome to this board, you will find a lot of helpful information and there are a lot of people here who have been in your shoes.

My husband (now ex husband) was using meth; he has over 100 clean day. He is on supervised visits with our son for now. And for now everything is very smooth with us. We definitely hit many bumps in the road. But until your husband decides to clean himself up you won't see any positive changes. Protect your children you DO NOT want them around this stuff.

No matter what happens your children and their safety come first.

keep coming back here for support.

justus
3girls

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

Ok I am new to anything like this so are my friends but he is a good dad and of course it's only been a month of every other weekend. Neither of us have money right now to proceed with the divorce. I have talked to a lawyer and told him about suspecting meth use. We live in a very small town and I am close to his family also. His mother stops over almost everyday, she did at our house too. She works at the school so picks up the girls after school and brings them to his house after school till I can pick them up. I can always start them in an after school daycare. I am concerned on the strain this is going to put on relationships with mutual friends who don't know what's going on and live in other towns and his family and I.

katelin24

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

Welcome to the board!

First, keeping your children away from this drug is way more important than what anyone on the planet thinks.

If your mother in law stays with the girls after school, it's probably ok. If not, you may want to put them in after school daycare.

There are ALWAYS excuses you can use for doing something like that. If you don't want folks to know what's going on, don't tell them. You really don't owe anyone an explanation. But you may be surprised at the support you get if you decide to tell someone you trust.

justus
3girls

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

Katelin24 thank you I needed to hear that I am a person who already makes up my mind what I am going to do but need a little push or reassurance I am doing the right thing. I am going on what people have told me they have saw and the signs ,which are overwhelming, that he is using. I don't want to say something to them and be wrong but believe me I would be overjoyed if I was wrong. Unfortunately I cannot ignore it anymore now that I am not in that house to protect my children from his outbursts and anger. Now he seems to be a great dad but it's new and he may feel he has to look good but all summer I wouldn't have called him a parent, I would have called him a child. I realized once we moved how a weight was lifted and how easy it was to do simple household chores that never got done there, because I was so busy trying to get his attention or spend any amount of time with him I wasn't a good parent myself. I am sad he made this choice for his life and love him very much the thoughts of what could happen overwhelm me at times. I am afraid he will lose the house, his job, his precious truck. I took care of all those things for him now he doesn't want me to take that roll I feel a little lost and angry.

kmb2006

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

I was in a similar situation. My husband is now 79 days clean and our family is healing.

I was pregnant and legally couldn't divorce in my state, an I had no money for temporary custody orders, etc. My husband was living with another woman (another addict) and there was little I could do (or so I thought) to keep my husband from having every right to pick up our daughter and take her to his apartment.

Your biggest ally? CPS. Yes, I called CPS on my own husband. He and his girlfriend had her small child living with them also. CPS took the complaint seriously (the child's grandmother had also filed a report), and the little girl was removed. My husband had to sign a piece of paper saying that he could not have unsupervised contact with children - ANY child, including ours.

If he would have tried to take her, I could have called the police.

Second tool - A protective order that extends to the children. These can be a little hard to get without enough evidence, but judges (at least around here) take charges of substance abuse in the presence of children very seriously. If there are holes in your walls, take pictures. If he leaves any kind of hostile or threatening voicemails or sends hateful text messages, save them. I got one based mostly on a text message from my husband claiming that he had attempted suicide.

With a PO, you don't even have to tell him you got it. You can have it "just in case."

And if you feel like you can trust him mom, you might tell her and direct her to this site for more information. If he's acting the same way to her as he is to you, if she's also noticed the changes, it might help her understand what's happened to her son. If she's enabling him, she might want to know what's happening to her money.

I told my father-in-law after watching him throw thousands of dollars of his retirement income away because he thought he was "helping" my husband with living expenses. I figured he should know he was really helping my husband kill himself. He didn't believe me, but he did stop giving him money. He was in denial up until the day my husband called him to tell him he checked himself into rehab.

Anyway, I am so sorry you have to be here, but believe me - you've found a the BEST place for support.

(((hugs)))

justus
3girls

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

Those are all good idea's I mentioned it to family services when I was signing up to get the girls on a medical plan and she said that was something I have to go thru with my lawyer, WHAT I thought that's what they were there for and I can't afford the lawyer right now. I was told by a friend of mine about getting a restraining order but it all seems so extreme at this point. We are no longer living there and not living with him I don't see anything anymore. He has stopped going over to the house, well as far as I know, I can't see anymore. I tell myself maybe it isn't true and we were all jumping to conclusions that is why I wanted to know if I need proof to do anything or not. I feel like I should at least tell someone it's like I am keeping a huge secret and if he gets hurt it will be on my head for not telling them I suspected this, what do you think?

kmb2006

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

Quote:
I was told by a friend of mine about getting a restraining order but it all seems so extreme at this point. We are no longer living there and not living with him I don't see anything anymore. He has stopped going over to the house, well as far as I know, I can't see anymore.

At least you know the option is there. If he is using meth, it very well could get to "that" point. This disease is progressive; it only gets worse. You say he's lost 40 pounds - maybe it's mid-life crisis/affair weight loss, but maybe not. If he's hanging out with known users, it's likely he's using too. The addicts on this board have said time and again that they didn't want to be around non-users when they were active in their addictions.

And if he was using - enough to lose 40 lbs. - odds are likely that he can't just stop - not without some kind of support or recovery program. Don't get me wrong - some people can just walk away from it - but most can't.

Here's the biological reason why. Loraura put this together. It may explain the anger and depression that you witnessed before you separated.

Quote:
I tell myself maybe it isn't true and we were all jumping to conclusions that is why I wanted to know if I need proof to do anything or not.

Someone once told me that intuition is direct communication from God.
What does your gut tell you? Go with your gut... it rarely lies. Even if you're wrong, better safe than sorry, don't cha think?

Quote:
I feel like I should at least tell someone it's like I am keeping a huge secret and if he gets hurt it will be on my head for not telling them I suspected this, what do you think?

If he gets hurt, that's his problem. If your children get hurt... yes, that will be on your head.

Like I said, if you have a bond with his mom, you could tell her what you've heard, that you've seen some of the signs yourself, that you don't have proof but you have suspicions. You could both learn how to support him without enabling him.

sickidsgurl

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

Quote:
if he gets hurt it will be on my head for not telling them I suspected this, what do you think?

No way! It would not be your fault even if he is using NO ONE and I mean NO ONE can stop him or help him but, HIM!

I have been clean for 40 days today and I have been having people pushing and shoving me to get clean for many years but I didn't until it became unmanageable for me.
I had to want the help myself and find the support to stay clean!

Whatever you do don't blame yourself!

angieNcali

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

I didn't read anything but the subject line - so I may be way off - But in my case - i have realized that for me personally - proving that he is using really became unimportant. I had to stop and look at the facts - there were plenty of things he was doing and still does or doesn't do - that just aren't OKAY with me. They don't sit right, they don't make me feel good - things that I can't look the other way and pretend that I am okay about - even if he wasn't using - and these things had happened - would the end result be any different - for me it wouldn't.

The hunt and the chase to find out if they are using can sometimes make us lose sight of the whole picture -
and it also makes us sick in process - as does living and dealing with an addict. They take and take and take - and when we are sick we give and give and give - with nothing but grief, heartache and let downs in return -

If his behaviors are not okay with you. If he has broken your heart, lied to you and is making you chase your tail around in circles trying to make sense of the unsenseable -
then that should be enough.....

I am no longer living with my husband. I left almost 3 months ago - I did have a brief period where I considered going back - but and wondered too was he using - is he using - would he use again - and had to take a step back and see - what a mistake I was about to make

who cares if he is using - i decided because all of his other behaviors hurt just the same - using or not.

And i for 1 don't have the time to sit around and be sick with him - the longer I sit there the longer he thinks it will always be that way - by me taking a stand he knows he can no longer drag me into his sickness.

I hope the same for all of you other ladies, gentlemen who caught in the trap of loving an addict - take a stand ... stop being sick with them -

It doesn't mean you have to stop loving them - I still love the piece of crap lOL - I do.

But if he wants to run his life into the ground it will have to be with out me.

justus
3girls

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

angieNcali, you are right on. The things he has said and done in the last few months are not the person I married. I am very sad he choose this and can't understand why. We have two beautiful girls and have been married for 11 yrs in December. It's hard not to beat myself up with questions of "why did he think marriage shouldn't be work", "why did he think his life with us was so hard" and I'm just not happy. These were some of the excuses he gave me for wanting a divorce, then I found out later he was with another girl and calling her all the time and hanging out at her house with her sister and there is always cars coming and going. We would go out and people would say hi to him that I had no idea who they were and we live in a small town. I could go on but there is a very strong gut feeling now I cannot ignore and we have not lived with him for a month now. I too don't want to be treated like a doormat anymore and want to be loved, not used.

cortyshell

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

You can buy drug tests at Walgreen's...

There is one for amphetamines... I think you got to send it in by mail to have the results but if he is willing..

It's an idea so you can have concrete evidence he is using .. if that's what you need.

I needed to see it with my own eyes as well.

justus
3girls

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

I do have one but have yet to ask him straight out if he's using. Oh I have hinted that I know and said that he can not bring our girls to that house where he hangs out, he just said "why would I do that". I don't think he would take it even if he wasn't using, he would be offended. Someone told me if a restraining order was to be put in place I would have to have a reason and if the judge saw it he would order a test. I am still afraid of him losing his job, going to jail etc... I love him and can't believe he's doing this to himself and his children, me I understand, for some reason he can justify that with he doesn't love me anymore, but not his own children. I can't believe this is all happening and has happened so fast, I feel like an idiot for not seeing it until someone sat me down and told me what they have seen, from experience, they went thru the same thing fortunately for them he choose his family over the drug.

Rachel
sue76

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

Quote:

I do have one but have yet to ask him straight out if he's using

I never asked my husband if he was using once I knew for sure. I checked off all those things on the little lists that are symptoms of meth use and I was like yep, that's him. I had known him long enough to know what his preferred method of use would be so I just said to him "I know what the problem is here, your smoking meth." I think that caught him off guard and all he could say was "You're right."

Quote:
Someone told me if a restraining order was to be put in place I would have to have a reason and if the judge saw it he would order a test.

A police officer recommended to me that I get a restraining order when my husband was using because he was using. Even though it stated in my initial request for the order that he used meth he was never ordered to be tested.

Quote:

I feel like an idiot for not seeing it until someone sat me down and told me what they have seen, from experience, they went thru the same thing fortunately for them he choose his family over the drug.

You should not feel like an idiot. It is pretty easy for us to not see things that are not right when we don't want to and to make excuses for our spouses behavior. Now you know, there is no sense in beating yourself up about all the time you did not know.

fatbob001

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

The first thing you should do is read up on what this stuff does psychologically to the user. Its horrible. they have tested mice and things and they would put food water and a way to get meth in the cages. the mice would only go for the meth and die of starvation. It destroy your ability to want anything else. Please please forgive me for saying this but that includes love. I'm really sorry. All they want is meth. the rest doesn't matter. they don't need it. I'm crying now cause i know that's the truth. I'm so sorry. If they are not using they will crave it and nothing else for a few days. If they make it past the first week without using (say in rehab or some other way self control?) they need to be educated as to what exactly is going on with this crap. My wife left me to go do this crap. I'm now with another woman that is doing the same. I haven't got much faith left in users but I've used it myself just so i would know why this is happening. I know first hand that when you are actually high on this it takes away your desire for anything else. Sleep, food, love, sex, kids, wives, cars, fun. I'm sorry hun. I wish you the best.

angieNcali

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

Another thing I would bet on is that they - my husband & yours will one day wake up and realize that they made some very huge and horrible mistakes, I have no doubt they will regret hurting us the way that they have - they will wonder - "OH MY GOD WHAT WAS I THINKING, WHAT HAVE I DONE" but ................... for me - I just can't and will not put my life on hold until they day comes. It would be very easy for me to. Easier then it is for me to make the healthier choice - and move on, live my life - & accept the fact that we all .... him, me, you, your husband - everyone in life has choices to make - and what the choices they are making and leading them to a crazy, horrible, miserable life - a very sad sad life.

It is clear to me those are not the choices i want to make.
And I can not and will not put my life on hold - waiting for the day he realizes he was wrong -

One day they will wake up and realize they they care about us and I hope I'll be waking up with the guy who already knew.

Don't get me wrong knowing this doesn't make it any easier and or less sad - - - it is very very sad. My heart is absolutely broken.

I haven't even been able to get past the pain enough lately to be able to post on this board - and I have been posting here for years.

But I move on - i force myself to face life - and keep going in the right direction - because If I don't ... if you don't - you will end up as sick or sicker then they are
that is a promise.

I know it is hard. I DO. I have only been away from him 2 1/2 months - I moved out 2 1/2 months ago - so i understand what you are going through. I do.

Indiana
shedevil

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

Go with your gut instinct. What is your intuition telling you? When I was in that position, I had to get proof. Well, I got the proof alright, but I drove myself batty trying to get him to admit it. Why did I do that? I had the proof... Because his addiction affected me. It made me sick sick sick.

He would tell lies that were so convincing. Oh yeah, he had his entire family believing them. I was the bad guy and I brought on his demise. Yeah right. He didn't need any help from me... His addiction to meth did a fine job of that all on his own.

Now that your intuition is screaming at you and these doubts are appearing more and more frequently, do you ask yourself "What should I do now?"
I suggest going to Al Anon or Nar Anon. Seriously.
Sorry this is so short and brief. I really do not intend to sound cold and uncaring, because I personally know what you are going through.
Take care of YOUR SELF.
Place the focus on YOUR SELF.
YOU cannot control the addiction. Only he has that power.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

With much love from a former loved one of an addict.

k8kanguru

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

Pay attention to what Angie is saying here. She knows the story from both sides of the equation.

Trying to prove a partner's meth use is pretty much a waste of your time and energy IMO. They will deny it 99% of the time and even if you confirm it with solid evidence, it doesn't do much to alter their use.

If you have all the symptoms of meth use in front of you, then those behaviors are enough to let you know you need to treat this person as you would an addict and act accordingly in terms of protecting yourself and your children.