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If your loved one is in recovery

scorpio If your loved one is in recovery
Watch your expectations!!

Do not expect personal relationships and differences to be ironed out immediately. At this point we need to have understanding, patience and more patience. Remember that they are now facing reality without the panacea of drugs. It may have been a long time since they have had to do this. Don’t be discouraged if progress is slow.

Some of us have also been living for many years in this unhealthy environment and think the situation is hopeless. Have faith and be patient, there are many success stories. You can be one of them. Keep coming back

Re: If your loved one is in recovery
Now, there's a "tip" I can't yet sink my teeth into, but I know where to go when I can. Thank you Scorp for keeping the ESH that works alive here.

I'm snowed and iced in so I cant go to any meetings and every second is hard right now. That link is excellent...i'm only clicking on the top ones though hoping for the day of recovery....
Juliett55 Re: If your loved one is in recovery
I have a question about that.
My addict was so open before he started the meetings and all, but now I tell him I love him, will be there for him in any way I can, or just be a friend if he would like that, but he is not responding to any of it. I can't imagine he would stop loving me that quickly and I know where that priorities are, but just wish I didn't feel so ignored.
Is there a better way to think of this?
Re: If your loved one is in recovery
J, there is no clear definite reason...click on the detaching with love tab....that may help-it's the only thing that helps me
Juliett55 Re: If your loved one is in recovery
Thank you luv I read it, but still hurting inside. It's like if you don't care for me much let me go or if you do except my help and love, but still get the wall from him. But, when he was just getting started with it he was quite loving. I think because his family is unaware he can't except my real love either, it's like the whole circle of lies.
Re: If your loved one is in recovery
Yes, I know what you mean by the circle of lies. A model has probably been made of it-it's such a sad mess.

I too am facing the wall-no idea why-no idea if he's alive or dead-sad or happy...healing or dying-don't know and he won't tell me and he won't even talk to me

just thee other day he loved me, wouldn't abandon me, needed me, felt hope with me....how does it change so fast? Back to detaching with love and lots of pain but the fear of the unknown is slowly drifting away. This whole circle of lies makes me cry for my mommy to make it stop-often. I know that sounds silly, and I've never ever been a mommie's girl or ever even called her mommy....I guess I'm being broken down to the little child who has no control over the big bad world.
That's where this experience of loving and grieving an addict can be beneficial if we keep walking thru it...maybe we will find our real selves through this insanity.
That is what is so magical about NarAnon/AlAnon...it becomes all about us and not them. All about love as that is all that is left in the end.

Love yourself and if you find a way to put the thoughts and wondering out of your mind and heart, please tell me. I to, want it to stop again for a day or two at least...
scorpio Re: If your loved one is in recovery
Juliett,, sometimes when us addicts first get clean,,, we resort to what we had to do to stay sane before we found drugs,,, some of us just 'shut down'.... give it time,,, quit asking for answers right now. If your addict is truly working a recovery program,,, his feelings will inevitably follow,, and he will have to find a way to express them...
Re: If your loved one is in recovery
Remember that they are now facing reality without the panacea of drugs.

Thanks for that Scorpio...
I really needed that at this stage of my husband's recovery...
Sometimes I feel like he is not making progress...but like you said we loved ones need to look and manage our expectations...
What may seem simple may actually be a big step for addicts in recovery...
Thanks again...

Re: If your loved one is in recovery
Yup, I get the phases of being kind of blank and numb still. Sometimes I think it's still hard to accept love. Sometimes I think it's just hard to connect with any emotions.

It's not usually anything personal towards the person, loved one, whatever, with me. It has to do with me. I really do appreciate the love and other emotions that I can feel now, but it can still get overwhelming and I still shut down.

I feel very lucky to be able to feel love now, though.

I'd say, do what you feel is right, figure out if you're OK on the codependency issues, and then just try to let go of expecting something like results from your actions. Just put the love out there. That's the most important thing.

It takes time. It probably won't be easy, maybe not ever. But it does get better. I've been learning. It takes the same lesson over and over for me sometimes. I think accepting the feelings I have has been a tough lesson for me. Numbness was what I wanted or thought I needed for so long.

I just want you to know that your love is important, and probably (I hope) actually being appreciated, whether that addict in your life can tell you or show you or not. We hear you, we just may not know what to do with it. Or we might feel unworthy. Your love is a precious gift to us. Don't feel unworthy yourself!!
scorpio Re: If your loved one is in recovery
An expectation is a premeditated resentment.

I've heard that a lot.
Cassandra Re: If your loved one is in recovery

In all the time that Lat has been clean... he is still very much in recovery... and I know there is still a long road of healing left for both of us. It doesn't happen overnight.
When an addict fights to be clean, there is more than one battle he must face. Addiction and cravings, yes... but he must also face the damage done both in and around him during his addiction... not to mention whatever damage was there before. As feelings come rushing back in, I imagine it would be hard, nearly impossible, for the addict to focus on dealing with any feelings but his own... it may seem selfish, but then again, if it is all-consuming, then how much can be left for anyone else?
In order to be a man that can live for anyone else, he must first learn to live with himself again.
In early recovery, the battle is being fought inside... so everything outside that wall is out of reach...
The wall will most likely come down slowly.... but rushing it will only slow it more.
Yes, it is a long road... but if all these victories happened over night, then I do not think I could so fully observe them, learn from them, and truly take joy in them as I have over time. It takes time to heal... but it also takes time to learn respect and appreciate it to the fullest. The road is long, but it is for the best. And it is worth it for all involved.
scorpio Re: If your loved one is in recovery
Oh jimminy crickets.... I did not post that so that for me, I don't have a 'spouse' in early recovery, I have a using abusing spouse who dips in and out of recovery when he's trying to get his foot back in MY door. I posted that for the women (and men if need be) who keep asking questions about the way their spouse is supposed to act in early RECOVERY.... I didn't write that or personalize it,, I found it and posted it for other peoples benefit.

Thank you for your indirect advise.
I know how to love and treat my husband when I have one.
I don't know how to take care of myself. I'm learning.
clickmom Re: If your loved one is in recovery
Wow. I logged on just now to ask what can I realistically expect from my bf right now and here I see this post.

My bf is supposedly 10 days clean, he's been going to an outpatient treatment program for the last 3 days...

He's been grouchy, which I've expected...and I know he can't kick all this within a matter of days, even weeks or maybe even months...I know this logically. Of course my emotions want him to at least show that he's making some improvement, yet I don't see any. Maybe improvement isn't the right word...more like him really wanting this. Granted he is going and he looks good when I see him after, I think the groups REALLY help. He even said he still wants to get high REALLY bad, and they talk about it in the groups. But he gets to my house after, and he's just a mean ol grouch.

Today I am worried because he gets paid and its Friday. I asked him what his plan is so that he won't get tempted and he says he doesn't know...and seemed like he didn't care. So, I'm not sure if he will relapse today or not.

What can I realistically expect from him during this time? Is he going to relapse a lot? Is he going to be mean? Is he going to just shut down? For how long?

I have so many questions...
scorpio Re: If your loved one is in recovery
Realistically you can't really expect anything. You are completely powerless over him and his choices.

You can change the way you think and react in the situations that you are put in by someone else's choices. You can work on yourself.

You can also pray.
Cassandra Re: If your loved one is in recovery
Ditto on what Scorpio said.
Be careful not to expect anything.
And make sure your hopes aren't misplaced.
Don't let your emotions get the best of you... be smart.

See also:

Recovery and Treatment of Crystal Meth

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