When people say relapse, what does that mean?

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When people say relapse, what does that mean? Does it mean he does it once and gets caught and starts recovery all over again? does it mean he will confess to it or just keep going till he's confronted?

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Relapse can mean different things to different addicts...it's entirely individual.

It could mean a few days of strange behavior and then a confession "Oh honey, I'm sorry I messed up. I'm going back to my recovery program."

Or it could mean secrets, lies and denial while you run around playing detective for months on end and he enjoys the challenge of keeping you hoodwinked while he uses behind your back.

Or it could mean, as it did with my man, that he lovingly kisses you goodbye one day and then simply disappears into the Darkside, never returning home again even to pick up his possessions (now three months later).

I know with my man that there'll be no admission of a relapse and nothing but lies, denial and blame on me until he's finished this run - however long it takes this time until he either bottoms out or kills himself.

He's not using meth, you see. He just decided one day to throw away everything that was of value to him and go off and live in a dirty back room in Skankville again because (by his own admission) he's nothing but a low-life scumbag.

(In case you missed it, that last paragraph was expressed with a tone of heavy sarcasm.)

So as to whether or not your confronting him is going to make one bit of difference, I can't say. I wouldn't pin my hopes on it if I were you. He'll do what he'll do and you'll be sidelined once he's in the arms of his meth lover again.

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He's not using meth, you see. He just decided one day to throw away everything that was of value to him and go off and live in a dirty back room in Skankville again because (by his own admission) he's nothing but a low-life scumbag.

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That was good!

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Leslie asked:
Have you asked him?

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Did you see this on the other thread

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My husband has stopped meetings, no sponsor, stopped his spirituality. He has closed himself off again and acts like I'm the enemy. Hasn't gone back to coke/meth that I can see but has "taken" some of my sons adderral pills (he found the bottle), taking too many trazadone, which means he will run out AGAIN and be even more depressed. I asked him WHY? Why if you know what is needed to stay sober, if you have all the recourses available to you, why do you choose not to do it, at least try? He said he is just miserable, he's haunted, all his "past" is coming back, he prefers to be alone and being with me makes everything 10x's worse.
I just told him that I love him and am here to support him but I couldn't do this for him. He said I was trying too hard. He admitted that "mentally" he is taking his first hit and maybe I should just kick him out now.

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Hmmm...looks to me like that discussion has already happened and he's already given her fair warning of his headspace and 'gone fishing' anyway.

I could be wrong of course but I'd be putting the survival drill onto an amber alert stage.

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That was good!

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Yeah and it'd even be funny if it wasn't so effing tragic.

IT CAN TAKE 2 minutes, it can take 2 months.
GETTING CLEAN IS EASY.
STAYING CLEAN IS THE PROBLEM.
The addicts have it best, they get A EUPHORIC HIGH AND WHEN THEY COME DOWN...WE WALK ON EGG SHELLS TO KEEP THEM HAPPY.
IT IS THE LOVER OF THE ADDICT THAT SUFFERS MOST.
THEIR SUFFERING BEGINS WHEN THEY see the aftermath of their addiction.

FOR SOME THIS NEVER HAPPENS...instead, they find themselves 6 feel below be4 such an awakening has a chance to come into fruition-

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I'm not sure why you keep 'correcting me' or whatever,

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Pull in the prickles, love. I wasn't correcting you or being critical of you at all.
I thought you were laughing at my sarcasm so I was simply saying "Yeah it'd be funny if it wasn't so tragic.
You don't need to add anything more to it than that, friend.
No offence intended, none taken.

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One cannot be in recovery and relapse at the same time.
That also means that
One cannot be in relapse and recovery at the same time.

I know LOTS of people who have been in recovery with many years of clean time who have gone out and used.

Did they lose all of the knowledge they gained in the years that they were in recovery when they made the decision to go out and use? They aren't using the tools, that's a fact...

That is my point. People who are in recovery aren't exempt from relapse. People in recovery who relapse have something missing in their program... they aren't applying what they have learned to their lives - some are choosing not to, and some just haven't learned enough yet, and newcomers in recovery are especially prone to relapse.

I was going to meetings for seven months before I got clean. I learned how to get clean at those meetings. I learned how to get clean by attending a program of recovery. I was in recovery - I just wasn't doing it right. I didn't quite know how just yet. I had to be in recovery to learn how it worked.

I didn't get on a bike and ride it correctly the first time either. I was riding a bike - but I kept falling off, too.

I didn't have the luxury of institutional abstinence in a inpatient program to get clean. Not everyone has that option. I had to learn how to get clean out in the world. Some of us have to do it the hard way - live in the world, go to meetings, go to IOP, whatever - BE IN A PROGRAM OF RECOVERY, and learn HOW to get clean and stay that way by attending, learning, and in time, applying a program of recovery to our lives in order to get clean and STAY CLEAN.

I had to be in a program of recovery in order to get clean. I stay in a program of recovery in order to stay clean.

If a person has cancer and is getting chemotherapy, still has cancer but is getting better, is he in recovery or is he not?

If he stays well for a period of time, but the cancer returns and he has to go back for more chemotherapy - ie: do what is required of him to get well again - is he in recovery?

Recovery, to me, is doing the work required to be free from active addiction. For some of us, it takes time. I think when you tell people who relapse in spite of their efforts "You aren't in recovery" it might give them incentive to give up on themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again...