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To all the newcomers that are "loved ones of addicts"
Indiana
shedevil |
To all the newcomers that are "loved ones of addicts
Welcome to
KCI. My ex-husband of 10
1/2 years is a meth addict who sought recovery in July 2005.
My name hasn't been appearing on posts as much now as I have
responded in the past. The reason being is that these wonderful
people that are on this site are giving the same encouraging
words that I have given and received in my almost 2 years here.
I am still here for anybody that needs me, but I mostly lurk and
check in on everyone nowadays.
I remember when I first stumbled across this site. I had just
found out that my ex-husband was using meth BIG TIME. He was
given a choice to either get help or get out.
Reader's Digest version...
1) He left
2) He hit rock bottom
3) He sought help
4) He stayed clean
5) We got back together
6) The relationship ended
This happened in a 1 1/2 year time period.
I started attending Al Anon meetings over a year ago. I still
attend them but not as frequently. Meth nearly destroyed my life
but I decided to pick up the pieces and focus on me. It took a
couple of tries before I finally got it right. I focused on
myself and what I needed to do. I had my own recovery to attend
to.
You see, after many years of focusing on the addict, I neglected
myself. I was like a garden that was overcome by weeds. Instead
of tending my garden, I tended someone else's. My own garden
became so ugly and unrecognizable that I couldn't stand it.
I couldn't stand myself. It got to the point that my self worth
was based on his judgment. I allowed him to make all the
decisions for me. I merely existed in his shadow. Not any more!
I've learned that life is what you make of it. The quality of
your life and self worth is only going to be as valuable as you
allow it to be.
I am working on my own issues with co-dependency. I have not had
a boo-hoo stinkin thinkin down in the dumps moment in a long
time. I am now happy and upbeat.
Most importantly I have my self back. My stress level in my life
today is almost non-existent compared to what it was back in the
day.
Now, it all seems like a bad dream. I was finally able to let go
and let God take care of the things that I was not able to
control. I realized that I could not control his actions, his
behavior, or his drug addiction. So instead I focused on the
things that I can control.
My self
My attitude
My behavior
My recovery
My happiness
If you keep looking behind you, then you'll never see what's
ahead.
Love you all... |
| Replies... |
book
rat21 |
Re: To all the newcomers that are "loved ones of addicts
Thank you so much for your post. I am a newcomer & I love an
addict dearly (Way too much I guess). I started coming to this
site last Friday & it wasn't until then that I realized I have
(somewhat HUGE) codependency issues. It seems though that every
time I want to focus on getting MY life together, HE seems to
come home with a bigger problem that, of course, I feel
compelled to help him with. My question is, Is it really as easy
as getting the courage to just tell him to either get clean or
get out? I am having a really hard time with all of this. My
morals say one thing... my heart says another. |
Indiana
shedevil |
Re: To all the newcomers that are "loved ones of addicts
Hi
Book rat...
Welcome to KCI. BTW, I really dig that name!
Quote:
Is it really as easy as getting the
courage to just tell him to either get clean or get out?
To be honest with you, that was the easy
part for me. I gave him that ultimatum. The most difficult
thing that I had to do was to stick with the ultimatum.
Now that I look back at all that sh*t, I ask myself why the h3ll
did I not take better care of myself? Why did I let my life go
to h3ll in a hand basket? HELLO... It was my life that I needed
to focus on, not his!
It took a lot of "practice" to get back into the swing of
things. I was so accustomed to enabling him, bailing his a$$ out
of trouble, lying for him, making excuses for him... Sound
familiar?
I literally forgot to take care of all aspects of myself. Well,
if I wasn't taking care of myself, then who was?! Certainly NOT
the addict.
It does get so much easier.
Why are you feeling guilt? What is wrong with taking care of
yourself and doing what is best for you? NOTHING.
The guilt stems from the effects that their addiction has on us.
Been there done that. Plain and simple.
Recovery for co-dependent people can happen. I'm proof of that.
Also, I have been applying what I have learned in Al Anon to my
attitude as far as smoking cessation is concerns. My last
cigarette was smoked on the 22nd. I've even been around my
friends that smoke. Didn't want a cigarette. Not once.
These ways of thinking can work if you make the effort to focus
on yourself. I walked away from my ex for good on 08.19.06. I
refuse to look back. This is my life and I will live it to the
fullest and be happy doing it! |
book
rat21 |
Re: To all the newcomers that are "loved ones of addicts
What was the easiest for you has proven to be the hardest part
for me. I am so scared. Scared of what my life will be like
without him (because I know he won't choose me over meth),
scared of what could happen if he stays, scared of what will
happen to him if I make him leave... It really is hard to love
him so much. He came home last night after using and I just
wanted to scream and scream and scream at him. Did I? Of course
not. It was my perfect chance to do something about it & I
didn't. He even asked me if I was "irritated" & I just said that
irritated wasn't the word I was looking for, that I couldn't
explain my feelings. I don't want to go on hurting like this & I
can't help but think it won't be worse without him than it is
with him. I am such a freaking chicken. I need help with these
issues and I don't even know where to start. (I think I live in
the world's smallest town...46 people!) He is the person I turn
to & I'm afraid I can't get myself better by being with him.
THIS SUCKS!!!!! |
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