Am I a drug addict?

Alone
1979

Am I a drug addict?

Hi,

I'm coming here to you as a person who is seeking some honest feed back on my situation. Am I a drug addict?

There are more reasons why I think I am than not
I'm 27, never really got into the whole drug thing until my early 20s, I experimented with stuff here and there but nothing real hard core. At 25 I met a guy who was an in the closet user, I really didn't have a clue and moved in with him.
Found out he did meth, and stuff started making a lot more sense. I started doing it with him, never more than a few times a week. But I fell in love with it. The evil stinking hole that it dug into my heart, it took a matter of 6 short months for me to completely lose it.
We had horrible fights and I moved out and back in with my mom, and oh yeah, did I forget to mention I have 2 kids?
The guilt i feel eats at me. I was a mess when i moved back home. My mom is kind of an emotionally abusive person, and called me a meth head in front of my children.
Of course I was depressed and thought about meth constantly, always keeping an ear out about where it might be. I managed to do it twice more, last time was in November of last year, so its been a little over a year for me. And I don't even really want it anymore. I can say that with complete honesty. But during this whole year I've been consuming massive amounts of pain pills.
I get them any where I can, I have a couple of reliable sources, and I've never told anyone about some of the things I've done to get them. Making up fake injuries or pain to get them from docs, and here lately I feel like a slimy slithering low life evil snake, because I make it a habit to check someone's medicine cabinet when I use the bathroom
I am depressed without them, life had meaning and I feel normal on them. They fill up a void inside of me and I am tired of living this way where i am forever in agony and chasing that chemical well being.
I feel less than human, like a shady outcast, I guess I was never programmed right, I don't feel like other people do, I am not normal, I'm busted and need to be fixed.
Thank you for taking time to read this, I've never told another soul about all this.

Replies...

Ldy
Lesa

Re: Am I a drug addict?

I would say that you are an addict. You find a fix in one form or another. And I think you already knew that answer. I also think you want to get help and you should. There are a lot of people here who will help guide you.

corty
shell

Re: Am I a drug addict?

Quote:
I am depressed without them, life had meaning and I feel normal on them. They fill up a void inside of me and I am tired of living this way where i am forever in agony and chasing that chemical well being

Do you really have a "chemical well being" I know for me personally after awhile of pills they eventually made me crabby. I didn't like that so much.

Quote:

I feel less than human, like a shady outcast, I guess I was never programmed right, I don't feel like other people do, I am not normal, I'm busted and need to be fixed.

We all feel like "there's something wrong with us" There isn't though. We just need to learn and try harder to work with what we have.

You can do it! good luck!

Bent
But
Not
Broken1

Re: Am I a drug addict?

Welcome to KCI Alone1979...now that you are here, you are not alone at all. I hope you avail yourself of all the love, caring, wisdom and kindness I've found as a recovering meth addict here at KCI.

Congratulations on your clean-time from the meth-monster. That is something to be proud of.

Substituting pain pills for meth? Yes, you are a drug addict. All you did was switch from your drug of choice (DOC) to something else to keep you numb.

Quote:
I am depressed without them, life had meaning and I feel normal on them. They fill up a void inside of me and I am tired of living this way where i am forever in agony and chasing that chemical well being

Alone, you must not feel normal on them because of the "agony of chasing that chemical" (not) well being. You will be depressed quitting them and have other withdrawals depending on which ones and how many you have been using. My best advise is to see your medical doctor and be completely honest with him/her about your pain pill addiction so that you can come off of them safely for starters.

Quote:
I feel less than human, like a shady outcast, I guess I was never programmed right, I don't feel like other people do, I am not normal, I'm busted and need to be fixed.

Feeling void. Feeling less than human. Feeling busted and needing to be fixed. When you get off the pain pills and into recovery you will find out *why* you used meth and have now substituted one addiction for the other. You'll learn tools that can greatly improve how you feel about every aspect of your life. You aren't mis-programed, you just need to learn to accept yourself and love yourself, make changes where you need to, and learn to live life free of drugs.

Quote:
Thank you for taking time to read this, I've never told another soul about all this.

In any of the 12 Step programs, the 1st step is: "We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and that our lives had become unmanageable." Congratulations on making that first step today here at KCI. That admitting powerlessness and stopping the use of pain pills safely are your first steps on the road to recovery and living a fulfilling life. You owe this not only to yourself, but also to your two children.

There are many programs to choose from-NA, AA, CMA, Celebrate Recovery are all 12 Step programs. There are others as well. There's inpatient and outpatient rehab, substance abuse counselors, and other help available. I'd ask my doctor to give me his/her best recommendation on a solid plan for recovery and listen to the advice of others here who have abused pain pills before also.

What is available in your area? What kind of program do you feel you need and are comfortable with?

We are here to listen without judging and help you help yourself in any way we can. Your children need and deserve a clean, happy, whole Mom.

Loraura

Re: Am I a drug addict?

Sounds like you could use some help learning how to cope without the pills.

I hope you stick around. There are many here who have felt like you feel, and have managed to change their lives for the better.

So much
guilt

Re: Am I a drug addict?

Yes, you have a drug addiction. You have substituted the meth for the pain pills. One addiction for the other. I will pray that you find a great meaning in life. If one thing can help your depression, it's your children!! My 22 year old took his life this August. He battled drug addiction for 10 years. Bouncing from one drug to another. Nothing could get him high anymore. The past 6 years was an affair with meth. He hated what meth had done to him, but he couldn't get away from it. Please visit his memorial website. www.austin-hesse.last-memories.com You have your children, let my son's story and your children be your strength to overcome your sadness, dependence on drugs and your depression. I will pray for you.

still
catest

Re: Am I a drug addict?

My Gawd...you sound like me.

Please keep coming here.

jes78

Re: Am I a drug addict?

to me you sound like you belong here. before i used drugs, i pictured a drug addict as a man with a needle hanging out of his arm and begging for money. i was a student, came from a good family, and never thought i would be an addict. i ended up like the picture in my head. drugs made me feel like i finally belonged somewhere, like people finally liked me, like that "hole" was finally filled. but at such a cost. i was self medicating. it will just get worse and worse. if you do drugs to avoid a feeling than i think you are a drug addict, but there is good news! we do get better! there is a good, fulfilling life waiting for you, you just need to get away from the drugs. good luck and read around, i know ive found a million and one reasons to stay.

danimal
55

Re: Am I a drug addict?

If you can't, or won't stop using...you're addicted.
None of us were quick to admit being an addict, I insisted that I was the addict who "had it together".....
Our ego generated delusions are rooted in denial, regardless, addiction is an insidious foe that creeps up from behind us, before we know it we're hooked!
Admitting we're addicted is the first major step toward getting un-hooked.
You've taken that very essential first step by showing up here, that requires huge courage and strength!!
You're safe here, cared for and understood...not just a little.
Make this forum a daily habit and you'll see how many of us get un-hooked....and STAY un-hooked.
As you're realizing, DRUGS DON'T WORK! and they'll rob us blind if we keep using.
The chemical cuisine is no place to find comfort, power and confidence, the disguise wears thin and before we know it we find ourselves on a highway to hell.
Keep showing up here, MANY amazing recoveries start right here, *YOU* are next.
Consider your recovery options, there are many, we ALL need some kind of outside help/support.
You've got it right here! Free...24/7

A word to ponder...*SURRENDER*
And of course my fav..
Your life is Gods gift to you
What you make of yourself is your gift to God

Give yourself and the world around you the gift of your recovery...the gift that keeps on giving.

nine
years
clean

Re: Am I a drug addict?

Hi. I was addicted to meth for 13 years.

Yes, sweetheart, you know you are a drug addict. Coming here was probably one of the best things you could do for yourself and your future and your children's futures.

Quote:
I feel less than human, like a shady outcast, I guess I was never programmed right, I don't feel like other people do, I am not normal, I'm busted and need to be fixed.

I have always felt this way. Many of us who turn to dope have felt this way our whole lives. But dope isn't the answer, and I think you know that already.

Listen, I spent nearly all of my son's childhood spun out of my mind on meth. By the time I got clean, he had graduated high school and gone off to college.

I can never have those years back; more importantly, HE can never have those years back. There are no second chances with your kids. There are no do-overs.

Getting clean is hard, but the alternative is death. Are you willing to let your children grow up without their mom? I hope not.

Welcome to the forum. We are addicts, recovering addicts, loved ones and family members of addicts, and we welcome you with open arms and open hearts.

Do the right thing and get yourself clean. Your children are depending on you.

Penel0pe

Re: Am I a drug addict?

You're an addict.

Welcome to KCI. We're here for you.

eyes
open83

Re: Am I a drug addict?

I'm going to try to paraphrase NA here off the top of my head...

Quote:
the price may seem higher for the addict who prostitutes for a fix than it is for the sweet little old lady hitting 2 and 3 doctors a day for prescriptions, but ultimately we both pay for our addiction with our lives.

the quote goes something along those lines anyways...in my opinion you are most certainly, undoubtedly a drug addict...
NA

I'm a drug addict too...and the link ^ ^ is where i found the help i needed to "fill that void" with something other than chemicals...

welcome to KCI...you have reached out for help and that is the first, major step.