|
How do I support an addict without sounding sorry?
Juliett55 |
How to support an addict
without sounding sorry for him?
Dear recovering addicts and their loved ones,
I have a question for you:
What were the most helpful words to you from your loved ones
when you were just seeking help.
My addict is trying to get help right now and I feel that he has
a good chance this time. He is communicating more consistently (right now) and even when he doesn't answer, later on I find out
how much that meant to him.
But today I'm at a loss. I'm learning that a supporter may sound
like he or she is sorry for the addict and that is very
demeaning.....especially for a male addict....
How do I give support and not sound sorry?
Is saying, "my thoughts are with you" sounding sorry? Like he is
weak or a sissy.?
And, if I write about my own day is it going to take attention
off of what he needs to concentrate on?
Thank you all |
Replies... |
Naiev
Newly
wed |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
Here are some things I tell my
husband:
I tell him that I believe in him and I have faith in him.
I tell him that he is worth loving and that he hasn't done
anything that can't be forgiven in time.
As far as:
Quote:
if I write about my own day is it
going to take attention off of what he needs to concentrate
on
I'm not sure what you mean by this. You
mean when you write to him while he's in rehab?
Quote:
I'm learning that a supporter may
sound like he or she is sorry for the addict and that is
very demeaning.....especially for a male addict....
I've learned that the 'especially for a
male addict' is because they have a big problem checking their
macho ego at the door.
My husband never wanted to be viewed as 'weak'. He's now
whipped, and seems to be a lot more pleasant! |
Barn
cats7 |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
I recently wrote a list of things I admire
(admired) about him. I titled it "Why I Respect You". I gave it
to him, folded up, and said "keep this with you, you can look at
it whenever you want to". Things really seemed to change in his
personality.
Men need to be respected. Women need to be loved.
Bless you on your journey! |
Juliett
55 |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
Thank you Newlywed.
Yeah, I was talking about the "MALE EGO" for sure, I understand
why they have it but how does one get around that? Esp. when he
isn't strong, cause lying isn't that cool ether.
When I said, "talking about my day", I meant acting normal, as
"life goes on" or will that make him feel like I don't care
about the seriousness of his position? He is not in rehab just
is getting some psychological, and I probably AA, help.
|
Loraura |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
Most meth addicts in early recovery are going
to take things personally that are not meant to be personal.
It's a physical symptom of having lower than normal dopamine
levels, which is caused by using meth.
So IF he takes something "the wrong way" keep in mind that his
brain chemistry imbalance may be tainting his ability to have an
accurate perception of the world around him.
|
Juliett
55 |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
Great idea about the list...
thank you
|
Iselita |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
with my
hubby it's like even if i say i love him he gets mad his Mexican
machismo is far out there. the only time i can communicate is
when he was sober
|
Naiev
Newly
wed |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
IMO -
putting your 'life' aside and not talking about it to tiptoe
around his means that you are still trying to take care of HIM
and not YOU.
As far as the macho ego bullshyt....like I said - hubby was
afraid he would appear 'weak', would be deemed a 'sissy' by
other men if he showed emotion or affection.
It just happened - not sure how - but he says he's whipped now.
Someone told me something that I relayed onto him - @#%$ whipped
is the best whipping there is.
I think once he realizes / admits that he is powerless - the
rest will happen.
|
Bent
But
Not
Broken |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
Barncats
answer about making a list of things you see, feel, think, know
to be good in him is some sweet medicine for the front (macho
bullshyt/"I'm the shyt n know it").
In my therapy session yesterday--time flies when I get a day
behind on posts--seems even females, meaning myself, have that
bullshyt/big-person/my-shyt-don't-stink front...
because it covers up *my* things I don't want to deal with or am
avoiding in life...and that is before any use of addictive
substances or behaviors. Now add the meth madness in on top of
the fronts (male or female) and it's like pouring gasoline on a
roaring fire.
Prayers for you to find your best way to help him understand he
has good in him and you see it. Yes, that someone says we are
good (or tells us what they admire or like or love or enjoy--in
regards to the recovering addict) is a means of allowing them
(me) to work through how truly horrid they (me) feel. It's as
vital to recovery as are the programs we choose to work,
therapy, and faith that an addict is not beyond recovery and
hope....
(This is just my opinion--take what is helpful and run with it
and what is not helpful.....leave it rest, but keep seeking how
you can encourage him.)
Much compassion and my prayers are with you.
|
Barn
cats7 |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
Hmmm...
Interesting interpretation! I have (keyword here) been in the
pits of despair and lost hope only to find my faith in Jesus
Christ and come alive once more. I had tried everything else
even after being on this board over a year.
I believe 'time' is relevant. Some of us take longer to come out
of denial. I'm working my way up with the grace of my Higher
Power and His will for my life.
If, in the 'meantime', my life is more pleasant telling my loved
one of 34 years what I respect about him and that I love him and
that I thank God everyday for him, works "for the 'now'" than so
be it.
I work on 'me', not him. I participate in Celebrate Recovery and
I am working a women's 12-step group for my hurts, habits and
hang-ups. I am currently working on my inventory and am finding
out who and why "I am" the way I am. I have also come out of the
fog of self-medication (drinking) - 8 days clean today.
It's all a process and unfortunately (or not), takes time. I'm
in the process of healing as are all of us that frequent this
site, all at different stages of the process.
God Bless Us All on the journey to recovery, it's not a
destination.
|
Reason |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
My husband never wanted to be viewed
as 'weak'. He's now whipped, and seems to be a lot more
pleasant!
*laughs* Great line. And from a newlywed!
You don't waste any time.
Juliette55: From speaking to a number of former addicts
about the early stages of their recovery process, a common
sentiment was clear: help me when I ask for it.
While getting clean, having a loved one or spouse around who
knows of your drug use can be a blessing and a curse. The guilt
experienced by the addict can be immense. Do not underestimate
it! Finding one lacks the courage and willpower to resist a drug
is a serious blow to one's self esteem. To make this discovery
in full view of people you know and love can be devastating.
People have committed suicide in part to avoid facing their
loved ones as a failure.
So while having someone around to support the addict---the
methods by which unclear---may sound good to an observer,
in reality it actually can end up being just one more thing in
their life that reminds the addict of their shameful failure and
weakness.
That is why I generally counsel spouses and partners of
recovering addicts to take a hands-off, curiosity-off approach.
While inquiries as to how the addict is dealing with addiction
may be well intentioned, each and every time the subject the
broached, that's one more time---again---the addict is made to
feel ashamed in the eyes of an intimate.
It's for this reason I would caution against special actions to
bolster their self-esteem, including uplifting notes and
motivational letters that others have mentioned. One, they know
what you're trying to do, and it can easily appear forced and
not entirely sincere if it's the first time in a blue moon, if
ever, you've said or written such kind words.
It's apparent you're trying to cheer them up.
When trying to cheer someone up, it's common to exaggerate the
positive.
Therefore, your heartfelt sentiments may be perceived to be
suspect to some degree.
Your "Why You're Great!" note can end up saying something closer
to, "You're Not a Loser. Really!"
The addict doesn't need a cheerleader, or a motivational
speaker, or affirmations. This is not some zero-sum problem,
where an increase here will compensate for a decrease there. The
addict must face himself, consider his life in context, and make
decisions of no little significance. This can happen slowly or
quickly, in a concentrated effort or in fits and bursts, and
with successes or failures or both, in the meantime.
The addict enters this endeavor as is. It is too late to
strengthen resolve, too late to develop better habits and
structure, too late for the ol' moral code to get a tune-up. The
sum total of his character right now will determine the
amount of virtue he can bring to bear on this crisis.
I'm emphasizing the addicts plight to make a point: small
gestures obviously intended to "cheer him up" are irrelevant, or
even distracting, as I mentioned earlier.
You asked, what were the most helpful words from loved ones when
you were seeking help.
My answer: every single word that made me feel normal.
Every word and gesture that was normal. Familiarity. Not
fawning, or disinterest... but a recognition that addiction
can't be shared, only acquired. Progress cannot be rushed nor
should be oft inquired of, but it can be impeded.
Normalacy is what the addict needs most, so he can feel as safe
and comfortable as possible. He needs mental energy to work out
his drug dependency, energy that's wasted when spent trying to
explain the unexplainable, wasted when he's reminded (by the
most innocent of questions) of his guilt for not being stronger,
for neglecting loved ones. for have gotten mixed up in this mess
in the first place.
That is how you show support: be confident he'll do the best he
can. Don't say you're confident... BE confident. Through
your actions. Are we ever assured of another's confidence in our
self simply because they claimed to be? No, it's demonstrated by
how they treat us, what they say and don't say.
If you feel pity for the addict, it means you think you
understand addiction. You don't. If the addict fishes for pity, they don't understand addiction. You are an impartial
observer here. You've no reason to feel sorrow OR resentment
towards his addiction, because you don't know what addiction is.
You don't have an opinion on his addiction, and he should not
cajole one from you. Do not humor him just because he's
suffering.
Sounds odd, but think of the alternative: if you think you know
something about addiction, you will then automatically attempt
to reconcile, say, his negative behavior with your idea of
addiction. By establishing premises, logic will compel
conclusions, and SHAZAM... you now have a whole structure of
opinions and judgments on his struggle with
addiction---conclusions which will most certainly be at some
odds with how he himself perceives it---and argument is born!
Strife shatters what SHOULD have been a normal, familiar
environment, and time spent ruminating on his life is lost. All
because of a faulty premise.
Time is important here. Like the one ring that rules them all,
his former master meth will come calling, and the pull will be
strong. If he hasn't had the time to make adequate forward
progress, your Frodo may instead become Lord Denethor.
Normalcy. Peace and quiet. Personal time. Neutral opinions of
what you know not. These are the words and deeds the recovering
addict seeks, though he might not know it.
|
Barn
cats7 |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
I think I
should add that my husband is not in recovery and continues to
think that meth is not a problem.
I've given him to God -
|
Juliett
55 |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
Thank you Reason and Barncats7.
This is so helpful. I thought of making a list of his great
things, his birthday is next week. But may be I should wait a
little; he is in a critical period right now and certainly hates
himself. He is very smart and will figure out that I'm trying to
pump him up, I can see how this can backfire.
I still think it's a great idea.
Don't know.....confused.....because they say that in the
beginning of getting sober they need the most support, but
at the same time I don't want to sound like I'm sorry for him.
Sounds like a great birthday present, but will it backfire.
I'm willing to learn.
What to do?.
|
Reason |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
I'm curious... assuming you've asked him, what kind of things
would he prefer you do during the recovery period?
|
Juliett
55 |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
He always tells me to take care
of myself, which I try to do very hard.
He doesn't ask for support very often, but sometimes calls and
keeps me on the phone. I try to lead him in to talking about
what he would need to talk about, and it works well. We talk
about things that are very personal; the ones we don't feel
comfortable talking about to others. I try to support him like
that, but that is a rare occasion.
I guess the dilemma is: when I write him something encouraging,
some times I get an answer some times not. I often find out
about how much it meant to him month later. But I also except
the fact that in that time my support might have been making him
feel like a looser. I very clearly see your point. You have may
be saved me from doing smth. very premature I think the idea of
the list is great, it's just the timing. Addiction is cruel it
will use us against the ones we love.
I read your post to me over and over again. It was like reading
an educational book about helping a loved one. I do have a
personality that tends to want everyone to be OK, saying
positive things to people is very easy for me, it's learning the
other side that's hard; it's hard for me to wait while others
learn their lessons on their own. I want to make it OK for them.
But I'm willing to do what I need, even if it feels
uncomfortable. I really think he is on the right track now and I
don't want to screw it up. He takes what I say to heart and it's
where I need to be careful.
|
Weeping
Cloud |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
I totally agree with the
list thing. When Kyle was in rehab I'd write letters to make him
not feel so homesick. One of the things I sent was a list of 100
reason why I love him. I found he mostly didn't want to talk
about rehab when he already had 4 to 6 hours of therapy, he just
wanted to laugh.
|
luve
piphany |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
Juliette, Reason has
given me-us, some of the most clear and deeply thought out
wisdom on the "meth addict" and I have done a lot of thinking on
his posts as well. I think he has given a peak into the addict's
mind that we couldn't have gotten without him being clean and
thoughtful. My addict has listened to me read his parts of
understanding an addict and I saw the recognition and feeling of
being alike in his usually downcast eye. When I read him Sfj's
and Spacemonkey's and Suze's and a few others posts, he also
seems to "relate" so I think after my pseudo scientific
experiments with communication with the addict in the
contemplation of recovery stage, I think Reason has hit the nail
on the head...
I know that having people just tell you to "focus on you" and
"leave them alone" doesn't quite make it in the advice
department. I am finding that if I include my addict bf in my
recovery as just "a small part", I feel much more complete-much
more whole at the end of the day....When trying to help,
support, communicate with the addict we love, it is so easy to
get sucked in and down.
It's like opposites of what we think are good are best. Insanity
really. I often have to actively tell myself that I am sick and
I don't know best-weird how surrendering even my emotional
intelligence works best to give me peace.
I pray before I speak to my addict-or at least I try to
remember...usually real communication is so sporadic and I swear
the meth demon enemy controls the timing. keeps me waiting until
I just want to scream...then sometimes I wonder if it's the
angels preventing me from saying things that should be left
unsaid. If I give my feelings to God, then He can be responsible
for passing them on....I try to stop trying. Reason put that
into words much better for me.
I have seen the opposite response from what I thought I would
get from my many attempts at "building up the addict who is
still using"-Oh my gosh! Being kind and positive and
complimenting has seemed to chase the guy away-even down to the
simplest things seem to evoke shame and guilt in him-Yes, it's
STUPID! but so is meth addiction-making a wonderful healthy meal
with all the love and care of serving has gotten me 3 days of
silence and hide and seek...there are sooooo many things that my
guy feels pain from that he has no idea how to explain that it's
impossible to even begin to interpret and it's better that I not
try-for me and probably for him as well.
For your peace and health, listen to your heart-intuition, if
you have even an inkling that you aren't being received the way
you think you should, stop and give your loving kindness back to
yourself or to your group. Works for me more than I like to
admit.
REASON-YOU ARE THE GREATEST!
|
sleep
less
in SF |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
I've said it before, and
I'll say it again...
Reason, I really think you should write a book. I have printed
and kept every one of your posts because they are so helpful to
me as I try to find and walk the thin line that is compassion,
caring and support for my addict, without stepping on either
side of that line.
It's difficult...When I talk to him, I don't want to sound
condescending, superior or judgmental; rather, I want him to
know that I still love him and respect any decision he makes
whether it be to keep using an denying his use or getting help
and getting clean. He has to do what works for him, just as I
have to do what works for me.
Right now he is in the denial state. He has never been in
recovery; I don't even think he has considered it. It may never
happen. But he did call while I was reading Reason's post, and,
for the first time in a long time, we had a "normal"
conversation, mainly talking about the fog and the special
significance it has for us. But I made no suggestion that we get
back together; nor did I indicate that it is over for good. The
subject never even came up. We just talked...
For now, I am comfortable in being a touchstone in his life. I
think that's because I have finally reached a place where I am
confident I will NOT drawn back in. It took weeks of ignoring
his calls and weeks of reading and writing the posts on this
board, to reach this point.
I have to keep reminding myself that letting go, and finding the
appropriate way to do so (i.e., the way that works the best for
ME), is really a process and not an event (my new mantra), and
as individual as each of us.
Anyway Reason, please write a book!
|
Juliett
55 |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
I love all of you guy's posts.
It really puts a different light and reflection on a difficult
dilemma of how to support an addict that hates himself at the
moment.
Reason's post was like thunder and lightening, was exactly what
I needed. That's what I call God-sent.
Prayers for all.
|
luve
piphany |
Re: How to support an
addict without sounding sorry for him?
Reason, did you know that God
was using you a lot lately?
just wondering.....
Have you been eating something different lately?? Praying?
Getting out into nature? Are you in love or something-with
someone other than yourself? Just wondering and want you to know
that you are very special to many-uh oh, that won't make you
relapse or something...ok, scratch all that. thanks |
Back to Crystal Meth & Methamphetamine Questions, Answers & Advice
|