KCI The Anti_Meth Site

In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging?

amart 1279	In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? QUOTE: I started hating people that didn't use hard drugs because I felt like I was being looked down on, that they thought they were better than me, it fills you with so much contempt you can't see straight. I found this on the other board, My question is this as it relates to the above statement: My husband's latest "hate" against me is exactly that, I think I am better than him and judge him, hence he has been back on with his puddle slut as I like to call her. He says she doesn't judge him and he can be himself with her (she shoots it with him). Does he really believe that at the moment? And how can I offer my support to him, let him know that when he chooses sobriety, I will be there for him without him thinking I believe I'm better or am judging? it's so much more peaceful when I ignore him and he isn't in my life every day, but if there's a way to let him know he's loved without those other feelings of judgment, I'd love to hear the ideas.
Replies...
luve piphany	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? I like that -"puddle slut" it sounds much less powerful than "dope whore"
sierra Nights2	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? *Quote:* I like that -"puddle slut" it sounds much less powerful than "dopewhore" Sorry, got to disagree. I have such issues with these titles. Very offensive in my opinion. My bad, I reckon. Am I the only one here that finds calling these ladies, girls, women, females (whatever) offensive to them? I'd say these gals have major issues themselves. They need help also. I have sorrow in my heart for them. Okay, guess I feel better now. Oh and definitely not trying to offend anyone or step on your shoes or your toes.
cuzi care	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? I understand what you're saying, but then I don't have that situation either. It makes me think though, what does it make him?
Naiev Newly wed	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? Sierra - they are what they are and they have a choice too. IMO - it's the same as calling an addict a junkie. They are what they are and they have a choice as well. *Quote:* He says she doesn't judge him and he can be himself with her (she shoots it with him). Yes he believes that - she's an addict too. But remember - even if you were to shoot dope with him - it wouldn't change this thinking. I shot dope - tried to be the dope whore - but because there was still a hint of love there - it wasn't the same. In my husband's words - he didn't give a shyt about her. She knew what she was for because he told her. He didn't care about treating her like shyt. That was her purpose.
le grumps	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? Hey, I've been the "puddle slut" in the past. I can see why people get really angry and feel the need to put another woman down because they feel very betrayed. But just remember, the "puddle sluts" are laughing at you when you call your husband for the hundredth time, and he either silences you, or tells you some BS and hangs up real quick so we can go back to our dope and sex. The resentment runs both ways, and it rarely has to do with our attachment to your "great man". It's our sickness, ALL of our sickness. We are all women, with feelings, with brains, and we fall into these traps not because we are dumb b'tches, but because we have personal problems and insecurities. If you are happy calling us puddle sluts, dope whores, whatever, than that's on you. You can resent all you want, but it's going to keep you sick too. I agree with sierranights.
Naiev Newly wed	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? It's jealousy. Plain and simple.
sierra Nights2	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? NN, you are a very wise lady. Much respect for you darling.
Naiev Newly wed	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? We are so jealous we can't even see straight. You give them something we can't. They always choose you over us - you encourage them to go higher and higher - we want them to return to who we once knew. They can do no wrong with you. You 'satisfy' them. Jealousy - plain and simple. NOTE: "You" is not directed at anyone in particular - was just trying to give some thoughts.
Indiana shedevil	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? LeGrumps' post was a real eye opener. Yes, those women did laugh at me. They both laugh at me... But not anymore... I get the last laugh because I have turned my back and walked away towards the better things that life has to offer for me. I leave them alone. I really don't care anymore. They don't have a place to occupy in my world. My world consists of what is important TO ME... They are not important to me. They do not matter to me. I have this stance now and my life is much better because of it. I will not stand by and point my finger at "the other woman" because in her eyes I am what she is to me. Not. I will not sink to that level. I will not allow myself to be a pawn in his sick sick game any longer..
luve piphany	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? Yep, they laugh and laugh that's why I like the phrase "puddle slut" better than dope whore....they are laughing so hard at the pain they inflict they are peein all over themselves... and the vision is sweet easier to forgive AND PHUKIN FORGET
sierra Nights2	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? *Quote:* they are laughing so hard at the pain they inflict Do you really think that these ladies (yes, I said ladies, they are somebody's daughter, sister) know anything about the pain you are feeling? I think they got their own pain going and it don't matter. Human nature to look after #1 first.
le grumps	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? I can only speak for myself, but I wasn't laughing because I thought I was inflicting pain. I was laughing because I thought the wives were dumb. When we tweak, we become numb. My laugh has even changed since I quit using. Before it was a taunting "HA-ha, dummy, keep calling him!". Now my laugh is hearty and genuine. I had no, no, no clue what it was like for them to be waiting, worried, scared. To me, their calls were more of a pest, and annoyance than anything else. Real love, the respect for relationships and caring about anyone elses feelings does not compute. It's a defense mechanism. Defending the sham of our own "security" and "control".
luve piphany	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? Unfortunately for me, I have been told I was laughed at, even told that stories were made up to make me think things, then I was laughed at when I believed the stories, then they laughed when I caused more drama for the "man" because of the stories...Senseless cruelty. why??? Because meth makes even real human pain-uglier. I understand, I forgive, hopefully I will forget but not for one second do I sympathize with meth cruelty Empathize maybe-yes, sympathize-never
kmb 2006	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? My husband lived with, slept with, and supported a female addict for 6 months while I was pregnant with our second child. I guess she was smarter than me... She got free room and board, an ample supply of free dope, and access to a car. All she had to do for this privilege was deal with daily verbal assaults from my addict husband, give up any dignity or self-worth she might have had, and hand her daughter over to CPS (she had already lost her oldest daughter to the child's paternal grandparents), and live in the delusion that my perpetually unemployed husband would love and support (with MY money) her for the rest of her days. As for me, I got time to develop my own interests and life, affirmation of my own strength as a woman and mother, a sense of self-reliance, a chance to seek the co-dependency recovery I needed for years, a chance to test my capacity for forgiveness and compassion, an incredible bond with my daughter... oh yeah, and a grateful, devoted, employed recovering husband (78 days today!). An intact family. Wow. Okay, maybe I was a little smarter. ~The BEST revenge is a life well lived~
Juliett 55	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? Dear amart1279. Your situation is difficult, but it could be also a sign that you can do something about it, as you are trying to. Not too many people have courage to come out and say that they may have a part in relationship that can be better, my complements to you. Remember there is a drug involved and it is a priority for the addict, no woman, even a true love is above meth, till he is ready to get help. But you can be a light in the dark, if you decide it is what you want. My situation is a little different, but my addict said that he didn't feel good enough for me for years. At first I didn't know what to do, it was more heart breaking than if I wasn't good enough. But I knew the love was real, always did. Right now things are better and he said to me that he wants to be better and wants me in his life. But........I went through 3 years of taking care of myself: AlAnon, Open AA, Na meetings, learning to listen, learning to be patient, realizing I don't always understand him, realizing he needs time to learn his lessons, letting him know that going to meetings is not too little for me it's part of my life and I respect it, that he is worth spending time on, emphasizing his good qualities that made me fall in love with him, things he did to change my life for better........ If you are doing all of those things, than the drug must be mostly at fault, but if not I would recommend to take an inventory. Remember!! addicts are very sensitive and intelligent people, they can read you from inside out good and bad....
Terry Ca	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? I love the honesty of this post. *Quote:* The BEST revenge is a life well lived~ You are so right KMB.
amart 1279	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? Didn't realize that this would cause such strife, I guess I failed to look outside my world and realize some of you were the other woman. Logically, it absolutely makes sense that I win by walking away and working on myself because he will remain with her as long as he remains with the dope. But this is also the place that I cannot get rid of my anger.....They LAUGH at me? How dare them! She eggs him on when he verbally assaults me? Phuck them both! Only an inventory and a true forgiveness will get me through that, I know, and I appreciate so much all of your thoughts and experiences. Now, Another question from the original post that I haven't gotten an answer to..... how do i keep him at a safe distance so he knows i don't judge him but will support him in recovery. it is so tempting to either x him out of my life or, preach and beg....neither of which feels good or has any impact? Thanks ladies...You are all AMAZING ----former girlfriends and bitter wives alike
Bent But Not Broken1	Re: In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging? how do i keep him at a safe distance so he knows i don't judge him but will support him in recovery. it is so tempting to either x him out of my life or, preach and beg....neither of which feels good or has any impact? From the female friend of a now recovering male friend, at first I knew little of what was going on in his world. I didn't ask and just snuck my meth and let him sleep or eat or shower or sit and think, with my Mom here at home also. Then I got invited along one night for what I thought would be a run and back and that was that. When I met who he was hanging around and found that night all the things he was starting to do (steal, cook, etc.), I had a heart-to-heart talk but he was "Functionally" high and thus, it was only words and went in one ear and out the other. Since everyone else gave up on him and I approached them one more time asking to become cohesive for a meeting of minds/intervention if needed, and they declined, I hired a PI and found out all I needed to know. KNOWING allowed me to distance enough to think rationally about how best to help him. Not everyone wants or can handle knowing. I got a few weeks clean on me (thanks to reading KCI site beforehand and just saying, "I quit."), I was able to evaluate how to communicate to him I care without telling him don't think you have a friend. My biggest fear was reading of all the meth deaths. It haunted me relentlessly. Death and me don't deal well anyway but that's another story. I assembled a list of all his good (past and current) potentials, talents, and people in his life that outweighed meth. I set a two-week time limit. My bottom line was if the cops come looking and you aren't done with this junk, I'll take my consequences and tell the truth to any questions asked about you my friend (jail beats dead to me, JMO.). I left the note and told him call when he was seriously ready to get treatment. Take what is workable for you and leave the rest. See also: Husband being released from rehab - Any advice? Back to Crystal Meth & Methamphetamine Questions, Answers & Advice

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