KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Letting go vs. ignoring the addiction problem

pislander	Letting go - VS - ignoring the addiction problem How do we distinguish between "letting go" and "ignoring the problem"? Well, I am by far an expert, but here is what I learned at a Nar-Anon meeting last evening. You're driving down the street one day and you see total strangers in a fight - If you were to ignore the problem and kept on driving and did nothing, you would be turning away and pretending you saw nothing. Of course it would not be smart or helpful to jump into the middle of the fight, get hurt yourself, so that no one else got hurt. You could call the police or someone who could break up the fight - That is the smart thing to do. When we ignore the problem, if we take the blows, letting their problems overwhelm us - nothing changes except that now there's someone else who's beat up. Here is how letting go is different from ignoring the problem. Letting go happens after we have already done all we could to try to help. We have seen and know that there is a problem - We see it and usually we are the only one who sees it as a problem (the addict does not see it as a problem). And of course, we don't want the problem we see to be ignored. We go out of our way and offer help, and to let our loved one know that we will be there when they are ready for help. Now here's where letting go comes in. When we get into the middle of someone else's fight we're wasting our time and getting hurt for no good cause. Letting go isn't ignoring the problem - It is when we realize that there is only so much we can do for someone else. When we let go we are only backing away from the madness for awhile and giving ourselves time to get a fresh perspective of the problem. I sometimes feel that with my daughters addiction, I ignored the problem and just recently came on this board and started posting. Ya'll have opened my eyes and helped me realize that I did not cause the problem and more than likely can not fix the problem. I went to a Nar-Anon meeting last night, mainly because my daughter had finally reached out to me and I thought this may be my chance to talk her into getting professional help.......I spent hours on end with her on the telephone, listening and listening, this went on for like 3 days straight - now NOTHING - I feel like maybe I was caught up in her drama once again and anything I said went on deaf ears. So this is a scenario that they gave me at the Nar-Anon meeting: Pretend you are a rodeo cowgirl. You want a challenge, so you climb on and grab for dear life, to the back of a crazed thrashing bucking beast that has no intention of letting you ride him - the beast thrashes and thrashes and bucks with all its might trying to get you off it's back - You keep hanging on and finally the bucking gets worst and you finally have to LET GO. Best thing to do is get off his back and look for a tamer horse to ride....one that doesn't mind being ridden. Or if you are determined to tame the wild beast that you just let go - why not just walk on your own for a while until a real cowboy (a Professional) comes along and helps the crazed animal become somewhat tamer or more sociable? You can still be around that beast you want to tame, but not on it's back, leave the taming to a Real Cowboy. Hopefully the Cowboy Pro will be able to make it easier for you to once again attempt to be a friend of the beast. Case in point: Like many of you have said over and over.....Letting go doesn't always mean getting out. Here is what I have decided to do... I'm letting go of my inner struggle (most of it anyways) and detaching from the insanity. By letting go I am just making it clear to my daughter that I won't be part of the GAME anymore. I won't clean up her messes - won't lend money, will not enable in anyway, but I will let her know over and over that I love her and will be here for her to help her with getting herself clean - Most important I will not be manipulated into feeling GUILTY. By letting go, I have come to understand that it's not up to me to fix my daughter....but it doesn't mean that I HAVE to leave - not now anyways. I am starting to find some sanity now that I realize that I can't save my daughter, only she can when she is ready. I have "let go", and will let my daughter know I am still here and love her. This may all seem corny to some of you, but it has helped me and I would love some of your opinions on the difference between "letting go vs. "ignoring the problem". I have just encountered another problem that has occurred because of my daughter's addiction and I will be posting later about what I call the "DANGERS" of enabling and not letting go in a HEALTHY Way! A thought for the day. Today, I will accept where I am and continue pushing forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, God; understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward.
Replies...
stayed 2long	Re: Letting go - VS - ignoring the addiction problem Can't wait to hear more. Thanks for the knowledge. I am living it too, Letting go or ignoring.
luve piphany	Re: Letting go - VS - ignoring the addiction problem Yes-it works. It may feel hard today, but time takes time and you will see the blessings and you will feel the peace, in time. I'm a believer in the magic Letting Go and Letting God get a chance to work.
lady of sunshine	Re: Letting go - VS - ignoring the addiction problem Very good food for thought. I can't decide which I'm doing; letting go or ignoring. When 40 year old daughter was home a couple of days for Christmas we did not mention the problem at all. She was very congenial. The only problem we had was that she washed her hair for about an hour and had to be coaxed to stop so she wouldn't hold up dinner. As always, she was late in arriving here by about 7 hours. She looks bad and she used to be so pretty. Maybe I'm just ignoring?
TerryCa	Re: Letting go - VS - ignoring the addiction problem IMO Ignoring: Letting all actions of the addict go unmentioned. Not caring! Not addressing the issue, ever. Not letting them know, continually, that you love them. When you have addressed the problem and nothing changes maybe then you do ignore the problem (At least temporarily). Letting go: Daily showing that you love your addict and praying to your higher power to help your addict with their addiction, is how I let go. Letting go I still attempt to have talks with my addict/daughter about drugs and getting help. But I trust my higher power with my daughter and her addiction. I do not ignore her behavior if it gets "to bizarre." I will call her on it. How many times do you ride your addict about his/her behavior before they avoid you more then they already do or write you off? I think that a happy medium of discussing his/her behavior with them, ignoring some actions, but through it all loving them! I hope this makes sense to ya. PS I'm a good codependent, if I love em' enough I can change em. Ya, right!
luve piphany	Re: Letting go - VS - ignoring the addiction problem Sometimes letting go can be very difficult...sometimes telling to get the H3ll out is good too...most of the time the addict I love does exactly what the addict wants and the letting go is only for me and that's just what it's all about Seems like letting go is a daily-sometimes hourly thing. Let go then pull in and butt my nose in where it doesn't need to be....then let go again a little...then can't help but butt in again a little...such a silly but very important game to learn to play well in life. Meth addicts are the most stubborn illogical frustrations in the whole world-In my most humble on my knees opinion. Gheesh!!!!! Gotta really work on it today. Let go Let go Let go.......