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Loved ones - what have you done that has helped?

Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped you or the addict in your life in a positive way?

Addicts (recovering or not) what could your loved ones do to help you?

As I sit here avoiding my staff Christmas party because I can't wear "the face" for a moment longer I finally have some kid free time to think.

My husband is waiting for a call to get into rehab. He doesn't live with me and the kids anymore but I still call him and listen to what he has to say and try my damndest not to judge him. I told him as long as he was heading in the right direction I would listen but I don't "do" active addiction anymore. I hope it helped.
Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
gossamer, have strength and I hope you are able to put on the party face and really feel a little of it.
My addict once loved one is days away from prison or treatment and it's only obvious that nothing I have done or not done has made a tangible difference yet-only because I am still looking at someone thinking in methmania and it seems that he doesn't want anyone to know what he is thinking.

I wish I could say that all of my hard work, prayer, education, 12 step meetings, prayer, detaching, reading, talking, listening blah blah blah has been helpful or even hurtful, but the jury is still out while a tricky meth addict wants to stay invisible to the sober naked eyes. He isn't humbled enough yet as far as I can see. So, I think of "these things" in the frame of "what have I done that has helped me and my kids" stop the suffering for us.

I'm happy to hear your husband is waiting for treatment. That alone is such a milestone in his recovery and maybe yours too-I hope.
I really believed that my addict friend would be in treatment by now-I believed with all my heart that that is what would have been by now. I am very humbled to say that meth has been even MORE powerful of a force than I ever imagined.

I hope you're having fun at the party now-I know you deserve it!
Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
Not giving up...
vctry7 Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
What have you done that has helped you or the addict in your life in a positive way?

Nothing I did or didn't do helped. I did everything Cass has said to do. I did everything she said not to do. I turned my life over to God. That is what helped me.

what could your loved ones do to help you?

They could have realized that I had a drug problem and got their heads out of the sand. They could have called the police and CPS. I don't know if that would've helped, but it wouldn't have hurt. They also could've offered to watch my babies while I went to treatment when I asked towards the end.

Cassandra Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
After my husband had gotten clean and shown that he was going to stay that way, he told me what helped him most. Those things are in my "tip" posts. (If you want access to the older ones for any reason, let me know... even if just out of curiosity... whatever.)...
1: Encourage him in every possible way.
2: Realize you aren't better than him and let him know
3: Don't ask "why?"
4: Avoid Drama.
5: Show him that you love him.
6: Learn all you can about meth.
7: Use Self-control.
8: Never use his addiction against him.
9: Don’t let your emotions get the best of you.
10: Be Willing To Forgive

The best way I could sum up all of those things is to say this (although it is much more easily said than done): I had to give it up to God, trust God to work in my husband in His own good timing... I learned that I was powerless to control or change the situation... so instead of trying to figure out how to get my husband clean, I had to figure out how to just do the right thing and trust God.
I do not believe that the "right thing" is dependent on the circumstances... and so I had to learn how to follow God no matter what the circumstances were.
Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
What I have done that would help ME:

1    When things got stolen and I thought he may be involved I got a police report and showed it to him and said that if I find out it was him I would have the police get him. I did not say this in an angry way, just as a matter of fact.

2    I protected our property by making it almost impossible for him to steal from us or damage our things.

3    I did everything that I could think of to help him; I gave it 100%

4    When I gave it 100% I had more faith that God would intervene

5    I got educated on the facts about meth

6    I hugged him often and joked with him

7    I did things that would build my faith

What have you done that has helped the addict in your life in a positive way?

1    I proved to him that I loved him but that I would not be a door mat
2    When God intervened I did my part, I called the police and they put him in jail
3    I refused to get him out of jail and told him I would not be a part of destroying his life
4    I prayed for my son (I am convinced that this as a big one but cannot prove it to anyone)
5    I told him that he would always be one of us no matter what he did.
6    When God opened the door I took action to get my son in court ordered treatment.

IMO the above is what I believe and I know that I cannot prove it to anyone except myself. I hope something in these posts helps you; I know how painful it can be.
Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
Turned him in to authorities.
vctry7 Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
Stan and NN,
I think you both did the right thing. Stan, I love what you did. I just told a lady the other day that I thought she should tell her kid that she loved them enough not to help them destroy themselves.
Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
I really do believe that helping ourselves ends up helping them too.

I had to decide what I wanted the future to look like for the kids and me and it wasn't one with fighting and meth and wondering if he's clean or using. He was also really verbally abusive toward me and started getting aggressive in November.

I told him I had made my choice and it was up to him to make his. Was he going to live in the past and keep rehashing old injuries or decide to get some "real" help (and I did give him my version of what I considered recovery instead of just abstinence). Then I dropped it and for a while we were like polite strangers.

Well, God works in mysterious ways because the minute I stopped trying to force him to do things he did it on his own. He found a counselor, made the appointment, got the physical and the TB test and is now waiting to get a call for a 5 week rehab.

We both know this is just the start if he actually walks through the door. Our relationship is a ship wreck and will need some help.

Oh, the one thing that I stuck to and that made him madder than hell was that I wouldn't discuss our relationship with him when he was using or withdrawing. Rehab first, then relationship. Sounds cold but his version of "talking" was to blame me for everything and then rip me apart verbally and call me every name in the book. That was definitely a survival move on my part.

Things are better. He's moody and thinks he's over everything with 28 days clean. I listen and try to support.

I hope to hell he gets to rehab.

Thanks for sharing what works for you. I'm always looking for new strategies.
Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
Sorry I didn't answer sooner but in my opinion what is most helpful for the addict and the loved ones are the same:

1. Education and a willingness to understand drugs, addiction, and recovery methods.
2. God.
3. Love.
4. Understanding, caring, and minimal negativity.
5. No fighting, questioning, or nagging.
6. Communication.
7. Forgive and rebuild trust.

I hope these help you in some way. My prayers for you and yours also.

PS: VIP in my opinion, an addict does not necessarily have to hit bottom in order to start recovery. Step in and give the addict an ultimatum that you are willing to stick to and raise their bottom, so to speak. This sure is better than jail or death-as long as it can safely be done.

Never give up hope.
Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
Gossamer, you are an inspiration!
Thank you for sharing-I know its been painful
Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
I'm struggling with the same question and glad you posted this. It has been really helpful to read.

This past weekend I made a few minor changes in dealing with my bf. And I say minor, because I still did two things that maybe I should not have. Since he's been detoxing again since Fri night, and acting absolutely goofy and kind of rude, I called him on it. If he was being a jerk, I said so. Two weeks ago when he was trying to detox again, I let him say whatever and didn't say anything, because I didn't want him to go home and use. But guess what, he used anyway like 4 days later. So obviously that didn't work. After reading on here about enabling, I decided that I need to TRY to stop doing for him. So, yesterday he was supposed to be at his outpatient group session and I woke him up to go. He said he's going to be late and forget it. But I insisted. So, he said fine drive me then. He said something rude and I told him don't talk to me like that. And he left. I didn't try to go after him, just let him go. He came back like 2 mins later and said he was sorry. So, he could have just went home, but he didn't, he went to his group. Last night, we had agreed we were going to the movies. But of course, he was tired and said he didn't want to. So, I said ok, I'm going to go by myself. Sure enough when it was time to leave, he saw I was serious and he came with me.

Now, this morning, he had to go to group again and I woke him up and he said he will, he will. I told him again its time to go. He gets up, showers and says I'm not going. I said fine, its your own recovery, do what you want. Well he gets all huffy and leaves. I don't' know if he went or not, but I've made the decision that its up to him. I'm not going to chase him down.

So, I'm learning. Small steps, but I'm learning.
Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
Clickmom, you are doing excellent! Thank you for sharing your progress-it is progress and I can read your triumph in your words!

To many your words would mean nothing much....to me, they are awesome baby steps full of love cuz I know.
jeninoz Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
Joined Naranon.

Here's a link to their forum. It was life changing when I found Naranon in January:


Also, agree with much of the above:
Treat him with respect;
Remember he's a sick person trying to get well, not a bad person trying to get good;
Enjoy the good times one day at a time;
Still do things together (watch DVD's etc);
Don't enable him (give him money);
Let him know I love him;
Don't talk about his addiction unless he brings it up;
Look after ME and the KIDS
Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
Thanks luv...not sure how to take my words not meaning much to anyone else...but thanks, I guess that makes me feel good.
Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
oh sorry c mom, i meant the ones who don't know what you deal with loving an addict-only people here and in my naranon family group understand me-the think I'm outa my head
So much
Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
I'm not sure I agree with you not mentioned "his addiction". This is a problem that for the user and victims of abuse have, brushing things under the carpet. Ignoring and avoiding the problem, maybe it would go away. This drug is the devil. I did everything I could for my son. The one thing I didn't do is ignore the problem. My 22 year old son took his life in August of this year. Please visit his website www.austin-hesse.last-memories.co
Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
I just read your son's memorial page. I am so sorry for your loss. Please keep sharing your son's story - even in death, he has the power to save lives.
So much
Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
Thank you for visiting the website. I hope you were able to read the Life Story. The contents of that really tells the story. Thanks again.
Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
PRAY PRAY PRAY...you don't have to stop loving them...just let them go when they cross the line and keep praying because God knows the whole story, the ending too! I let my husband go...took the kids moved 2 hours away and started over. Things got alot worse before they got better. After 10 months, he lost his job, his family, his Harley, everything that meant anything to him. Two crack whores that I know of....He came back to get the help about 6 months ago and has been clean since. He had to figure it out on his own. I wasn't there to let him walk all over me and the kids while he was figuring.

Lucky for him...I was still here and willing to help him get help. Prayed unceasingly for God's will and for strength to get through whatever was meant to be. Accepted that there was a higher plan for me and the kids...and then the magic began to happen! Its truly a miracle and it CAN happen! Good Luck and stay strong!
Re: Loved Ones - What have you done that has helped?
I didn't think this post would still be kicking but I'm glad to see it is.

Wow,  we sure have tried a lot of stuff that has worked (and I'm sure not worked). It's great to read.

I know about the rude detoxer too. I didn't put up with it either. I figure at this point I have nothing to lose regarding my husband because he is pretty much gone anyway but if he's coming back we might as well get a couple of things clear. Like the fact that I am not a verbal punching bag no matter how crappy he is feeling and that there are people who can listen to him vent his frustrations who will understand him so much better and more objectively than me.

I liked this saying I picked up from Naranon (and it was a hard one to practice) "say what you mean but don't say it mean".

I don't bottle things up but I have to think about how I'm going to say it and hope he does the same.

We decorated the tree TOGETHER for the first time in 3 years and didn't fight  .

Still no call from rehab for him but yesterday was good.
Hope it was for all of you too.

See also:

How can we, as loved ones, help meth addicts?

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