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Dumped by a meth addict

lynne Being dumped by a meth addict
i don't mean to waste time on the board with this comment. the board has been so helpful to me; a lifeline. i don't want to abuse it or wring people's feelings dry. but i have a wound that's still open so i can write about it it might help it continue healing.

i had dated a meth addict. the relationship disintegrated last fall. that is fortunate, i know. yet he did not call over the holidays to even to say hi.

i knew he would not but i just checked my messages now and nothing. it hurts. it is not the 1st time he blew me off.

i know it is over with him and i know i am lucky because of that. but it still hurts that he has cut off all contact with me over these last three months after more than a year of dating, asking me to live with him, asking me to "share our lives together". he pursued me. once he got me in place he dumped me.

i guess i am having my own relapse right now. but there were other holidays when he would not call. he disappointed me so many times. i am not surprised but i don't want to be hurt by him anymore. but at the same time i have trouble accepting that it is truly over. when a man no longer calls it's over.

i keep thinking that maybe in a year or after a long separation he might think of me again and love me like he used to. yet i know this is not a good hope or a good outcome. he is a drug addict and refuses help. i cannot be with him even if he and i wanted to.

still it hurts. makes me want to drink but i want better for myself so i don't. i certainly hate being the pining female.

i wish so much i had listened to my red flag warning signs and broken up with him when i knew something was wrong. i wish i had not hung on until the bitter end when he finally dumped me. all i can say i am not going to make the same mistake again. it's been a horrible horrible experience.

i knew i should dump him yet i never could. why didn't i have the strength. i hope so much for the next time i have the power to let go when i need to to protect myself.
i HOPE i learn this lesson. i paid such A HIGH PRICE!
Re: Being dumped by a meth addict  
find you a therapist or work the 12 Steps. I know how you feel because  someone I loved has hurt me too. He's in God's hands and I can't control how he feels, didn't cause how he is acting/not acting, nor can I cure (or make) him care for me.

Understand that you are worth someone who ADORES you for you and find you some peace. It's exactly what I'm doing now and yes, it does suck. Sometimes, I feel no one gives a flip about me, but it's....LOL, as Luv says "stinkin thinkin"! ,

Re: Being dumped by a meth addict  
I know how you feel. I was with someone for 4 years. Married him even - to have him go back to drugs ... and I didn't get the calls over the holidays - and while I don't want them and It still hurts that he didn't bother.

Re: Being dumped by a meth addict  
Lynne, I know how you are feeling. I cringe when I read that you were "dumped"...love, you were not dumped, your addict has another mistress/love - METH.

I came to KCI almost a year ago and after I discovered my addict ex had a problem and was indeed a meth addict I ended the relationship, but it has taken a year for me to try and heal from the wounds, heartache & pain.
Coming here to this board has helped me through the process of dealing with all of the insanity I have experienced.

My past year was filled with endless drama while engaging with my addict, he would try everything to hook me back in, he did this for 8 months. The game only stopped because he found himself a new victim/g/f who is also a "user".

I know & you know that "no contact" is best when you are trying to move on, detach and accept.

Hey although my ex has found himself a "user" g/f he still phoned me boxing day to wish me a Merry Xmas (I was surprised to say the least) glad to know he wasn't dead ...but guess what after not hearing from him for over a month, I got "engaged" again into his meth world BS...he told me he spent his Christmas in a police station cell) So every time he does show up in my life (in person or via phone there is usually some crisis or when his G/f kicks him out on the street (the pattern seems to be once a month) he offers me nothing but more drama. No thanks.

I'm not saying that I have totally moved on but I am working very hard at my own recovery. It takes time Lynne. I didn't think it was possible for me to stick to my guns, sure I relapsed a few times, you learn as you go.

I didn't think I would still be posting here at KCI after a year. This "addiction" to HIM has really taken it's toll on me physically and mentally, so I have much work to do.
I hope you will try and do the same, if I can, you can too.
Stay strong and take care of you.
iw2q06 Re: Being dumped by a meth addict  
consider yourself lucky... u do not want anything to do with a dope addict if he's using.... for five months i waited for my X to dump me so i wouldn't have to... he would have kicked my ass... in the end i dumped him cuz i wanted to stay clean from dope, and yea, he kicked my ass but at least I'm not with him anymore.....

your relationship with him is over move on. I'm sure u can find some other dude a better dude. good luck

Re: Being dumped by a meth addict  
I know exactly how you feel, I feel the same way. I was with my ex for 9 years and one on and off that was filled with drama. He moved out a year ago and he contacts me every week to try to get back together sometimes it's just to fight. I've a relapsed too many times to count and tried to work things out with him even after we divorced. It always ends up the same way and every time I say I'm not going to let him in. I'm working to move forward with my life and I know I can't do that when I let him in it just pulls me back to a dark place where I don't want to be. It's crazy though I don't want to talk to him but when he doesn't call I wonder why and I get sad. I remember on Christmas Eva feeling so sad cause he didn't contact me and wondering how he could not be thinking of the family that never stops thinking about him. Well at 4 am he came by and I wish he wouldn't of. He tormented me cause he was coming down and going crazy asking me who I was seeing, he refused to leave and when it was time for our 6 year old to open presents he slept, he didn't buy our son anything. And still I opened the door on New Years because I had this would have been the 1st New Year in 10 yrs that I wouldn't have been with him. He was awful.

I think we just want to be loved and wanted by the people we love no matter how sick they are. What helps me is to think of him as two different people. The man that me and our son adored and the monster meth has made him (no disrespect to anyone I'm talking about him). I mourn the man that we lost to meth almost like a death. I try to realize that the man I'm in love with is not the person he is now. He's gone to jail 4 times this year and each time he gets out we see the old him for a little while (days) before he goes back to the drugs. At these times I have let him be with us because it's the real him the one I miss so dearly. He's doing really bad and a lot of times I deal with him because I'm so afraid that he's going to die out there and I get scared that it maybe the last time I see him but then I realize I haven't really seen him in a long time. I had a really hard day recently and my son caught me crying and asked me why. I told him I missed daddy back when he was nice and he said that's how I feel everyday. It broke my heart.

Re: Being dumped by a meth addict  
It's euphoric recall. You're lonely over the holiday period, so your mind casts back to when you last had loving companionship - and forgets all the sh!t and pain that went with it.

It's easy to crave a romanticized version of the past that leaves out the bad parts. We all do it from time to time.

It's also heart-warming to reflect on those good times and to be able to say "Yep, that was true then. That WAS good and there WAS good in him then." It's a far more comfortable place to be holding him than in bitterness and hatred. It's good to be able to allow yourself gratitude for the blessings of those times when you loved and were loved in return.

But it is a folly to take this moment of positive memory in isolation and project it into a desire for it to be repeated in the future.

The past is the past. Serenity comes from accepting 'what is' in the Now. If you're focused in the rear view mirror, you're not looking at what's in front of you right now and deriving the joy available to you in this very moment if you accept it for what it is without comparison.

lynne Re: Being dumped by a meth addict  
hearing tales from other women in the same boat helps A LOT. i can't tell you how much better it makes me feel knowing that i am not the only one who went through a TORTURE i didn't deserve. but i also am responsible. i am responsible for standing up for myself! so many times i told him "you are not treating me right. i am not happy" yet then i would fall for it again.

i just wish more than anything i had fought for myself and stuck to my guns and stood by my feelings. no matter how hard and lonely the outcome.
i tolerated unhappiness with him for 20 months.
i wish i had had the guts to say what i wanted from the relationship and leave if he would not deliver. i feel like fool who has a lot to learn.

again: i wish i defended my needs better and NOT compromised. i did myself such a disservice. most of the time i did not know he was an addict. but when we lived together this summer, the summer from deepest hell, then i realized the problem.

sorry and thank you. everyone says heal and move on.
they don't realize we are trying so hard to do that but it's out of our hands. one day we will heal but that day is not of our choosing.

lynne Re: Being dumped by a meth addict  
p.s. all of you say you regret letting a meth man back into your life.
i was thinking: gosh at least these meth men still call them and manage a relationship for that long.  my bf never calls anymore at all. the pain is astounding.  but i am also seeing that you don't seem to benefit when they do call. they seem to drag you back into a world you want to leave. nothing gets better.
so again i try to tell myself how lucky i am he dumped me and that he does not call. that is a fact.

all of us good people deserve someone who ADORES us. i wish i had made that clear to him.

Daleenv Re: Being dumped by a meth addict  
Hi. I guess this is a good enough place to get rid off my anger. I'm not in the exact same boat as you are, I wasn't dumped by my boyfriend, but I recently found out that my husband is taking rock. I knew from the beginning of our relationship that he has a past with drugs, and what hurts me is the fact that I believed him when he said that it was in the past, and affecting is life anymore. Talk about naive.

I have never taken a single drug in my life, never even seen the stuff, and wham, all of a sudden it in the middle of my life! When he started using again, I was only suspicious at first. It made me paranoid thinking that he might be using again, to the extend that I was going through his phone, pants pockets, searching for the stuff in the house at 5.30 in the morning.
And then one day I caught him. Late at night, sitting outside with a whiskey in his hand. At first he didn't know that I saw him. I went and sat next to him, and the whole time he was hiding it in his hand. Thinking I wouldn't notice... To this day I wish I knew what he really thinks of me. I'm not a stupid person, did he really think I wouldn't find out? And if I did, would I condone it? We've been through hell these last couple of months. Fights, screaming, tears, begging, threats etc. It just hasn't stopped. He even promised on our baby's life that it wouldn't happen again. Guess what, it did.

Yesterday morning I found a piece of rock for the first time. I hated him so much. I left for work before he got up, and when I came home, it was the same story all over again. "Baby, it will never happen again, I love you, please don't leave me....." What do I do? I love him. God knows I love him. We have a child together, I want to make it work. I know people say "get rid of him, its only going to get worse..". Can I help him? Can I make it easier for him. To stop the cravings, to take away the pain that he says causes the need for it. Is there a chance that he will stop?

I am stupid about drugs. Don't know what it does for you, the highs, what it tastes like, nothing. I just want my husband back, the man I fell deeply in love with, the father of my child. Not this agro, selfish arrogant bastard that's not only ruining his life, but mine as well!!!!!!!!!

Re: Being dumped by a meth addict  
I just thought I'd share I had my weekly visit already this morning. He came knocking at 2 am saying the cops were chasing him. He did his usual bs on how he misses us and he wants to be in our lives. I told him I no longer believe his words. He changed to his usual who am I seeing which then turned into I'm a dirty whore and grabbing me by the neck. He wouldn't get off of me and finally his 14 yr old niece that lives with me woke up and I asked her to call the cops he then talked @#%$ to her. Finally we got him out the door and he threw a rock at my car and stayed out there for about 5 min apologizing in one breath and calling me a whore in the next. He says he'll never leave me alone that he owns me and if I start seeing someone else he'll kill em. I was talking to one guy for a little while and when we would go on dates he would have to leave his car at my friends house and we would have to go out of town to make sure no one saw us. It was so stupid especially since my ex is seen with bag whore all the time (got the term from this site). We got together 10 yrs ago when I was 15 and we have a 6 yr old (whom he doesn't do a thing for). I just thought I'd share this with you. Be happy that he leaves you alone.

Re: Being dumped by a meth addict  
I, for one, do not regret letting the meth addict-recovering, back in my life.

I do not regret letting him in my life when he was in active addiction. SOMEONE had to care...everyone gave up on him but me.. and God.

I, personally, have seen enough death and dying for many lifetimes over. I do not blindly go in to help anyone. Death is final and meth does not play nice.

Dumped, if I was/am, at least he is alive and in recovery. I have chosen to focus *this time* completely and whole-heartedly on my recovery. So yes, he takes a back seat. Until I am more solidly recovered-I don't think a relationship is wise. God would have to say-"Dee, it is okay" or I'd not pursue it now.

I do know if he, or anyone else needed me, I'd not hesitate to be there in a flash. I don't ask for kudos or anything close to it. I just refuse to let meth win if I can do, say, pray, act, whatever--to get someone out of meth's grip.

I have to be able to lay down in peace with me at night-or whenever I do sleep. Personally, I can't do that knowing I can do something and don't do it.

This is just me and I do not judge/blame anyone else for their choices. I respect everyone's right to make their own choice. I just had to shed a little ray of hope and light....hearts do heal-mine has.

JMO, and if it doesn't work for you, it's okay.

Re: Being dumped by a meth addict  
Lynne, how about thanking God that he isn't calling? Really let the idea of his rejection (more like forgetfulness) of you become a gift-a blessing-a TRUE example of God's love for you....Maybe thank God for keeping the guy away-putting up road blocks so that you CAN heal.

It is much harder to heal when we are tortured by the "carrots" that specifically meth addicts seem to dangle under our noses. or the bizarre plots they are amazingly good at cooking up to steal their loved ones money, peace, serenity and just plain time.

The post above definitely is a good reminder of the "usual" activities of the ex who is a meth addict. I now realize that I DO have to be careful what I pray for. I used to pray that God would bring "the addict" safely home...The few times that God seemed to make that happen and I thanked Him, I was rudely awakened and shown that it wasn't God bringing him home safely, but the meth pushing him to a hospitable "host" so he could recharge his batteries until the meth yanked his chains and drug him out again.

Now, I pray for God's will to supersede meth's will...and be at peace with that.
Your love for your self and your peace and serenity is taking over-keep at it!

Re: Being dumped by a meth addict  
Wow so much of what you say is how I feel. I have been married for almost 25 years and together with this man for almost 30. The pain of what he had done to me is enormous and some of the things he has done I can't even talk about. Yet frequently, I dream of him and want him back. I cannot stand this. He has left me and our children high and dry, leaving everything to me to handle. Money, house issues, mortgages, my children's problems, illnesses, everything. I have helped him with medical issues and everything I can to help him. Like one of the other poster's said, "Meth is now his mistress." I know he would rather be with other females who have no responsibilities and they probably feed his ego because he had the bag. It is a fake, awful, untrusting life but I think the addict needs to realize that on his or her own. My addict has lost just about everything but it doesn't seem to make him want to quit and start over. I actually think the dopamine issue is his main problem. When he is clean, he doesn't seem to ever be happy. When the rest of us are cracking up or having a good belly laugh, he just isn't on the same page with us. He has also told me that nothing makes him happy so I think he turns back to meth for the happiness he thinks it gives him. So in a way, I don't want him back because I believe he will never be able to be happy normally. Sad, but very true. Honestly, time will help and youth is on your side. Stay strong.

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