KCI The Anti_Meth Site

What is in my addict boyfriend's mind?

sadinca	What is in my addict boyfriend's mind? There are so many "why's" that I have and need so badly to have answered. I know that you are not my bf so, of course, you don't know what he is thinking -- but because he acts like so many of the other users here -- I would think that you guys would have some idea....I know, too, that some questions may never be answered. but I'm just going to try...By the way, I KNOW that I'm not the cause of his addiction, that I can't cure or control his addiction -- that's not why I'm asking these questions....Just need a little more insight into the mind of an addict. These are things I'd love to find out that my bf has so much trouble answering.... 1. Do you honestly mean it when you say you want to quit? Even when that means that two minutes after you say it - you go out and do another line. 2. Do you honestly know that you are being absolutely no help to me - with kids, chores, etc? That I am doing it all by myself. If yes, why doesn't that bother you? 3. Do you see that you are messing up by not going to work? Or that when you have money - you are extremely selfish by spending it all on you? 4. Do you understand how selfish and HORRIBLE it is that you constantly ask for money - and "just" $20 isn't enough anymore - you expect me to give you at least one hundred. 5. When you leave the house to go do your drugs, or sleep with other women, or whatever it is you do when you are gone - as you are leaving - do you know right then what you are going to do. Do you kiss us goodbye knowing very well that you are not going to come home? 6. Do you know the pain you are causing. If yes, why don't you care? I mean I have an addiction to food - but if it was seriously causing my family heartache - I believe that I would really do something about it! 7. How is it fun to be doing a drug that causes such paranoia? My boyfriend will go to the store or somewhere like that and it will take him 30 minutes which should only take 5 or so but he has to stop every few minutes or so because he believes there's a cop behind him. (Ok I may be exaggerating about the timeline - but the pulling over is definitely true). 8. How can you be gone for days and not see your kids or at least miss them. When you're home you act so overprotective - but then you can go days without talking with them. 9. You get so irritated by me.......(Now I know it's NOT ME).....what about me makes you irritated? What should I do when you are irritated? Leave for awhile? 10. How am I supposed to act when you don't come home and then show up like nothing? Am I supposed to get mad at you (does that show I care) - am I supposed to just not say anything (doesn't that make it seem like it's ok that you do that). 11. When you pick a fight with me - how am I supposed to handle that. Do I just be quiet and let you pick, and pick and pick? Do I yell back and give you your excuse so you can leave and blame it on me? 12. What should I do about me & you? Should I leave like everyone is telling me? Is that what you really want? Should I stick with it and be by your side because you really don't mean to hurt me? 13. Do you know that you are not the same person anymore? Do you KNOW that? 14. Do you have no shame when you are talking bad about me to other people? Although you are definitely a drug addict - I don't go around telling that to everybody. I don't go around tell everyone that you are a loser. Then, when you have one of your nice days, you say the sweetest things to me. 15. What is it you want from me? How do you want me to act? It seems like I can't do anything right. I try being nice and let things slide, but you continue to hurt me, I argue back (I admit I have a horrible temper) and stick up for myself and that just gets you more riled up. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. 16. If you know all of this, WHY DON'T YOU STOP!! Whew, any help would be really appreciated. I hope that this doesn't offend anyone because I know that you are all good people. So is my boyfriend. I think it's so great that the people here that still use are able to come here and admit it -- you may think that you are messing up -- but not only are you helping yourself by talking about it -- you can be of such help to us that love the addicts. We just don't understand. I pray for you that you find the strength to quit. P.S. I know I'll be able to come up with more questions - but I figured this was getting REALLY long!! Thank you!!
Replies...
ROSE NINA	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind *Quote:* If you know all of this, WHY DON'T YOU STOP!! Some people just can't stop that easy. Addicts need to really surrender and then seek help. They really have to be Willing
luve piphany	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind sad, we too have to be willing to surrender our addiction to wanting to know why. When we do become willing, the whole world opens up and soon, the "why's?" fade and only pop up intermittently. Reality is, and I know you understand this, IF and WHEN we get on with living-REALLY LIVING-despite not knowing why, we forget a little and the addict gets what more of what he/she needs-REALITY WE NEED our old friend/lover back but chances are, we aren't going to get it. Chances are, we will start living the new life we are given to the best of our ability because we aren't meth addicts and WE WANT TO LIVE! We still have that innate need to survive and thrive-they don't. All your questions can be simply answered with these words, "He is a meth addict" I'm sorry he is. I'm sorry anyone is...but if ya think it makes us sad, imagine how God feels BUT, sadness is only for a season and there is a reason and a lesson for us all. sad, I'm doing my 4th step in alanon/naranon...fearless moral inventory...it really helps to look inwards-takes the focus off the JACKAZZ meth addict I love. Please think about the meetings again.
So much guilt	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind I'm not a guy, but my answers to ALL of your questions: His addiction comes first. The meth is controlling him. Deep inside he probably does want to stop and doesn't know how. Meth's grip is the devil. Has he tried any rehab? You can't take his actions personally and as you know you can't do anything to change him until he wants to stop using. There's nothing you can do but hope and pray that he can break free from the grip. I'm not sure if you read this, but this was sent to me by a meth addict. My 22 year old took his life this past August. Austin had a bad meth addiction that he couldn't stop the grip. This has helped me cleanse the guilt that I'm feeling for not being able to help him. To understand it from the addicts view. To know that I did everything I could to help him. I hope this helps you. God Bless! You can't make me clean I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it -I won't be. You can't love me clean ...because until I learn to love myself. I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experience ... I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn. I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me. You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person .. is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of an addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me the person falls prey to my addict giving more power to the addiction to shackle down *the person in me .. a little more each time. I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me. The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free .. to fall as far as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight back and break free. How can or will I ever be able to get clean. The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF By allowing me to reach 'rock bottom' you move over and allow me to find my own way back .. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself .. it is in the fight that I learn to love myself .. the more I love myself the more I will do to better myself. I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high. Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance... Please for the sake of the person in me .. move out of the way. and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom ..and pray for me that when I do hit .. that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that .. be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.
forget suzette	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind 1. Do you honestly mean it when you say you want to quit? the "real me" ...wants to quit. Even when that means that two minutes after you say it - you go out and do another line...........that's the OTHER me....the addicted one. 2. Do you honestly know that you are being absolutely no help to me - with kids, chores, etc? That I am doing it all by myself. no, I'm too self absorbed to see past impulse. ...........I'm grandiose, I think I'm doing something. If yes, why doesn't that bother you? ..I don't see past my addiction ....It WILL bother me, when meth isn't there to cover it. and it's the same thing that will drive me BACK to meth.......what a fuk up i am. 3. Do you see that you are messing up by not going to work? yes, where will we get funds for speed? Or that when you have money - you are extremely selfish by spending it all on you? .....no, it's a survival gut instinct to buy more. we think we can't function w/o it and the family will suffer. 4. Do you understand how selfish and HORRIBLE it is that you constantly ask for money - and "just" $20 isn't enough anymore - you expect me to give you at least one hundred. yes, but if I get the guts up to ask, if you give it to me , I'll ask again 5. When you leave the house to go do your drugs, or sleep with other women, or whatever it is you do when you are gone - as you are leaving - do you know right then what you are going to do. we know we are going to do drugs. Do you kiss us goodbye knowing very well that you are not going to come home? no, we think we'll slide back in, on time, undetected. ...but speed alters time...it BLOWS by you. 6. Do you know the pain you are causing. no. it's like a football player making a touch down......keep your eyes on the prize, and see who got hurt later. If yes, why don't you care? yes, we care when speed isn't blocking the view..........it's almost crippling, the regret, and despair we feel AFTER we stop using. 7. How is it fun to be doing a drug that causes such paranoia? My boyfriend will go to the store or somewhere like that and it will take him 30 minutes which should only take 5 or so but he has to stop every few minutes or so because he believes there's a cop behind him. (Ok I may be exaggerating about the timeline - but the pulling over is definitely true). it's another world....difficult to say why....its like pot makes your mouth dry but you do it anyway... 8. How can you be gone for days and not see your kids or at least miss them. When you're home you act so overprotective - but then you can go days without talking with them. I'm mot myself....I'm ashamed deeply, and yet the speed is covering the humility, so I am trying to "make up for lost time" I suppose. 9. You get so irritated by me.......(Now I know it's NOT ME).....what about me makes you irritated? I'm irritated because life is still going on around you, and you're mind is moving so fast, your face can't keep up with your feelings.....so you just look tense. the hyper focus mode, makes you angry, because you are straining so hard focusing.....and any outside distraction, irritates you. plus, I haven't eaten or slept enough. What should I do when you are irritated? Leave for aw yeah, leave me alone, is better than riling me up. How am I supposed to act when you don't come home and then show up like not you have to decide.....want to stay and fight? ...or move on? Am I supposed to get mad at you (does that show I care) - am I supposed to just not say anything (doesn't that make it seem like it's ok that you do that). there is no right answer.
luve piphany	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind Thank you Suze-You are a very courageous woman. Sad, can you imagine the pain that comes from being the conscience of "every speed freak" and the courage it takes to be that one who answers when they can't? See, such goodness can come out of the ashes
forget suzette	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind thanks love.......I needed a drink of water. part II 11. When you pick a fight with me - how am I supposed to handle that. Do I just be quiet and let you pick, and pick and pick? without resistance there is no fight. Do I yell back and give you your excuse so you can leave and blame it on me? nah 12. What should I do about me & you? you should really look at how strung out I am. and go with your gut. it won't get better, it'll get much much worse if he's in the life....with intentions of continuing. ......is it possible I'm hitting bottom? or am I belligerent and deny there is a problem. Should I leave like everyone is telling me? go with your gut.......addiction is like cancer in your house. meth will destroy everyone and everything it gets near. Is that what you really want? the addict me, wants speed............the real me wants love. its a constant battle......but if you really look, you'll see what's important to him right now. Should I stick with it and be by your side because you really don't mean to hurt me? .....maybe later. but, you ought to skip this and do something enriching with this time, instead of enabling a drug addict, you could get and give love to those who will/ can take it. 13. Do you know that you are not the same person anymore? Do you KNOW that? there's 3 possible answers here: 1. I think this is me now........I forgot who I am. 2. I'll never be the same again, the more I use, the weirder and more neurotic I will be. 3. I'll never be the same, clean or sober because my brain chemistry changed 14. Do you have no shame when you are talking bad about me to other people? Although you are definitely a drug addict - I don't go around telling that to everybody. I don't go around tell everyone that you are a loser. Then, when you have one of your nice days, you say the sweetest things to me. character flaw......not meth type shyt. 15. What is it you want from me? How do you want me to act? It seems like I can't do anything right. I try being nice and let things slide, but you continue to hurt me, I argue back (I admit I have a horrible temper) and stick up for myself and that just gets you more riled up. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. The idea of love is to act like yourself...and are loved........you got it bad. your happiness depends on his and this is a world of pain.. 16. If you know all of this, WHY DON'T YOU STOP!! I don't know.....when I stop I'm depressed.
luve piphany	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind Gosh, it sure was nice to have a REAL conversation with the addict I love. Virtual is much better than the real thing. That's all I really want anymore....I don't want to see anymore pain or inflict any more pain or feel any more pain. That helped a lot Suze!
forget suzette	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind I'm glad it helped somebody. ................it was alot of questions.
BentBut Not Broken1	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind 1. Do you honestly mean it when you say you want to quit? yes, funny, everyone else gets high on meth--all I got was fake energy and much more horrible feelings loaded on me when I did quit. Even when that means that two minutes after you say it - you go out and do another line. Do you know how brazenly in the open I'd fire up the glass pipe? Can you say I was almost begging to be seen by you? Yes, I wanted to quit even before I took my second hit of meth. This is a drug that hooks you at "hello." 2. Do you honestly know that you are being absolutely no help to me - with kids, chores, etc? In my case, that would be me NOW-after quitting meth September 30, 2006. I used to have a clean home, clothes, car, worked my hind-end off. Now I'm a bump on a log praying I make it through all 12 Steps so that I can never have to do another drug to hide behind again in my life. That I am doing it all by myself. If yes, why doesn't that bother you? Does it make you happy to know the piece of shyt I feel like inside? For hurting you, for hurting the kids, for hurting everyone around me? This bothers me so greatly I may shut down. I do not yet know how to cope. I'm sorry I am causing you this pain now. I sometimes wish I could disappear and take all your pain with me-everyone's pain. I can't though. 3. Do you see that you are messing up by not going to work? This is the first time in my whole life I have been selfish for a good reason. I'm working my recovery and it's hell coming off meth and realizing I'm not superhuman. In my case, I overdid when I quit meth. Now my body demands me give it care. Maybe you should seek some recovery of some sort for you as well. I do care after all. Heck, I cared every time I smoked a bowl about you and the kids...I just wish you could have known I did love you all. I hated me, not you-not the kids. Or that when you have money - you are extremely selfish by spending it all on you? Actually, I never paid a cent for meth. I stole all of mine. Imagine this-I feel like a turd for stealing meth. Do know it could a been worse-I could have sold meth or become a cook. Then you would never see me-I'd be so loved (cough-bullshyt). 4. Do you understand how selfish and HORRIBLE it is that you constantly ask for money - and "just" $20 isn't enough anymore - you expect me to give you at least one hundred. Again-I never asked anyone for a dang dime when I was smoking meth. I might have to before I recover. Who knows. Some of that depends on if you want recovery too. See, you worried yourself sick about me. If I was your addict, you could have had a civil conversation with me. Everyone else did-yes-even many people who did not abuse drugs spoke to me often. Did you? Without yelling at me? Just curious-I seriously mean no offense. 5. When you leave the house to go do your drugs, or sleep with other women, or whatever it is you do when you are gone - as you are leaving - do you know right then what you are going to do. I know I'm going somewhere to smoke me some. That's about all I can say I know. Whatever else happens, it's because I really hate myself, very badly I must say. No normal person would hurt themselves and those around them like this. Do you kiss us goodbye knowing very well that you are not going to come home? Nope. Time just goes. It really is not meant to hurt you or the kids. You see, I'm hiding from me. I really am sorry for your pain. 6. Do you know the pain you are causing. If I didn't hurt like h3ll inside me-do you honestly think I'd do meth? Yes I know I am causing you pain, OKAY!!!!!! If yes, why don't you care? If you'd quit fussing at me, maybe I'd be able to find time to say-help me, I hate myself and need some therapy. Would you come with me? But I wasn't gifted with the fine-tuned coping skills you already have-as you say next, "You'd fix you if you needed to." I really had no clue until I quit how much I hated living in my own skin. I mean I have an addiction to food - but if it was seriously causing my family heartache - I believe that I would really do something about it! You are addicted to me. So, what are you doing to fix that? Then, maybe you can say you would do something. Understand? 7. How is it fun to be doing a drug that causes such paranoia? It's so much fun that the first time I thought I hit a police car while driving-I kinda freaked, pulled over to see if I did, when I realized I didn't, I googlled KCI. That was the beginning of the end of meth for me. That's how much fun that was. My boyfriend will go to the store or somewhere like that and it will take him 30 minutes which should only take 5 or so but he has to stop every few minutes or so because he believes there's a cop behind him. (Ok I may be exaggerating about the timeline - but the pulling over is definitely true). What can I say-we get paranoid at first because this IS illegal after all. I just decided I didn't want to go further once I read KCI. That's the only difference in me and your boyfriend (that I know of now). 8. How can you be gone for days and not see your kids or at least miss them. Do you really think I want to bring these people around the kids? Around you? I love you all enough-yes, even while I hate me, to STAY away. Trust me, in so many respects, you all are much safer without me around. I know you are safer without my meth pals around. Not a moment goes by that I don't miss my kids and you. Meth had me hooked at h3llo. I'm sorry I'm so weak and that I have this much inner turmoil that I've never learned how to deal with like a rational "normal" person. When you're home you act so overprotective - but then you can go days without talking with them. Overprotective? Because I am hoping like h3ll you don't have a clue about my drugs, though I do wish you could see inside the broken, real me. I really almost wish you'd catch me and know how to get through to me! 9. You get so irritated by me.......(Now I know it's NOT ME).....what about me makes you irritated? For starters, your questions about meth. That makes me very mad. Why can't you see the storm inside of me instead? Why can't you speak to me when I am calm and approachable? I do know I'm not always angry at you-and I'm really only angry at the wrong questions you are asking me. Don't confront me or cage me in. Instead, if you can, coax me lovingly out of my shell. Maybe I'll quit if you can reach me? You don't know unless you try....and no, not just once. I don't blame you if you aren't that strong. You are free to walk away. Everyone else is, why not you? Even I walked away from me!!! I walked straight to meth (maybe other drugs-for me, just meth.) What should I do when you are irritated? Unless you want all my "human" fury and my meth fury released at once, do not argue with me. I would dearly love for you to pray....pray I quit before I kill me, someone else, or hurt you and the kids anymore. If you know God, get on your knees and pray that I reach out to God-soon! Meth isn't logical but I'm not totally toxic. I am a lost person inside of my own skin-even if I dearly love God and know Him. I do know I am speaking my true words to you. It couldn't hurt for your boyfriend-especially since you two have children. Leave for awhile? Honestly-no. Do you think if I weren't afraid of something-in my case, too many things to name, that I'd sanely turn to meth? I'm very afraid. I'm weak. Forgive me? Don't argue, ask why, ask all these "surface" questions. They really do piss me off-the questions and arguing-not you. Oh, and please don't make me feel guilty or shameful. I already feel like the crud of the earth. Add to it, I'll explode! 10. How am I supposed to act when you don't come home and then show up like nothing? If you want a chance to save what "us" is left and are strong.......ask for Cassandra's Tips. They work like a charm. But-do not ask if you aren't sure you want to see me ALL the way through this mess to sobriety and recovery-which means you also need recovery. I've made you sick. There-that's my answer and no, I am not mad at you. I do have love inside me. I did pick you after all, didn't I? Am I supposed to get mad at you (does that show I care) - am I supposed to just not say anything (doesn't that make it seem like it's ok that you do that). see previous answers 11. When you pick a fight with me - how am I supposed to handle that. If I really knew the answer to this, do you think I'd be fighting-or picking a fight with you? Aren't there much nicer things we could be doing? Oh, wait, I use meth-sorry. Seek wise counsel here please? Do I just be quiet and let you pick, and pick and pick? Do I yell back and give you your excuse so you can leave and blame it on me? You could react a hundred different ways. Until you understand I am not liking me and I need to fix me and I really do need love, yes, love, your love and God's love and self-love, you take a risk with any way you treat me except if you handle me with love and prayer. Even when I do blame you, I probably don't mean it. I just don't know. Again, seek wise counsel. 12. What should I do about me & you? First question: Are you really strong inside of you? Second question before I give another answer: If yes, will you stand by me until I quit, recover, and become better if meth doesn't kill me first? Should I leave like everyone is telling me? "Everyone" has been known to be wrong. What do you truly want? This one is up to you. I will promise you this though-I won't be alone no matter what. Is that what you really want? If things were good before meth-there's a chance they can be good after meth. Again, it's really up to you. I will not be alone though-rest assured. Should I stick with it and be by your side because you really don't mean to hurt me? Were we really in love to start with? I could list a ton of things for you to ask yourself. But if things were good, I did pick you to love out of all the other's I could have picked. I do know if things were good, I mean you NO harm whatsoever, especially if things were good. 13. Do you know that you are not the same person anymore? Do you KNOW that? Yes. Why in the @#$% are you asking me? Remember, I don't like me or I'd not be doing toxic waste, HELLO! 14. Do you have no shame when you are talking bad about me to other people? Have YOU been there when I said something bad about you? If yes, then-I might have some shame...(puff).. maybe later I will. Honey, if you only KNEW all the shame and guilt and remorse and self-hatred I already feel-you wouldn't even ask this question. But, if YOU are NOT there, then you do not know the truth! If you hear me say something bad about you-maybe we aren't having it so good before meth. I don't know-I did this alone. I'm just thinking like addicts I know hoping this helps you somehow. Although you are definitely a drug addict - I don't go around telling that to everybody. Then why am I hearing things about me from folks we know? Surely I don't gossip about me to me. Yeah, I smoke meth-but I do have some smarts (true, not many). I don't go around tell everyone that you are a loser. You don't need to put words to what shows in your eyes. I already know without the first word from you or anyone else. But you watch, I will NOT be a loser forever. I fixing to quit. Will we still be we? Only time will tell. Then, when you have one of your nice days, you say the sweetest things to me. I know there is a lot of good in me-but few people hang around long enough for me to learn by their example. Losers are very capable of genuine love for others-just not themselves...not yet anyhow...not with meth. Again tho, I'm not gonna stay a loser! I'm gonna quit and see just WHO I AM. Then, when I have worked my recovery, my love I do give will be much more healthy. That much I have heard. 15. What is it you want from me? How do you want me to act? It seems like I can't do anything right. I try being nice and let things slide, but you continue to hurt me, I argue back (I admit I have a horrible temper) and stick up for myself and that just gets you more riled up. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. Not to belittle you at all, this is a slice of how I feel. Welcome to my world.......except Thankfully you don't do meth. My world is one storm after another inside me. Damned if I do & damned if I don't. Meth made my temper disappear-some get angrier. I've felt like a F*ck-up my whole life-especially after I got molested....um, I can't talk about that. Let me hit the pipe again so I can't feel. 16. If you know all of this, WHY DON'T YOU STOP!! Meth had me at H3llo? You ask the wrong questions? I'm damaged goods? Maybe when I figure this out, if you are still around, I'll let you know. By luck, it's NOT YOU addicted to meth. Meth does not discriminate. It gets old fast-trust me-do not ever try this crap, okay? Thanks, because I do love you enough to tell you please, don't mess with meth?! (That might have been easier on me if I had answered when I did do meth......but I will be darned if I'll go back and find out. I quit smoking meth September 30, 2006 right here at KCI. I'm working my way slowly and honestly through the 12 Steps---FOR ME, YES, I am selfish. This is the first healthy Selfish thing I've ever done. It's also the HARDEST thing I've ever done. So far, it's totally worth it!!! Go figure-toxic meth did something good?! Yes, God can use anything for good. This I know that I know. I also know we DO recover, daily-miracles happen.) I'll pray you get your miracle, if that's what you want.
le grumps	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind 1. Do you honestly mean it when you say you want to quit? Even when that means that two minutes after you say it - you go out and do another line. Yes, I mean it with everything in me. I want so bad to have the choice to walk away. I want to stop feeling bad, all the time. I want me back. If it didn't hurt so bad to stop using, I'd do it right now. This is the last time, I promise. One last time, so I can say "goodbye". One last time, so I can get it "out of my system". I know I said that a hundred times this week, but this time it's all over. I can't do this anymore. Just one more time. 2. Do you honestly know that you are being absolutely no help to me - with kids, chores, etc? That I am doing it all by myself. If yes, why doesn't that bother you? I want to help. I did help! Remember how I scraped all the wallpaper off the bathroom walls, you didn't even have to ask! I do what I can. I want to help! I feel bad when I let you down. I promise next time I'll be on top of it. Next time. Next time. 3. Do you see that you are messing up by not going to work? Or that when you have money - you are extremely selfish by spending it all on you? I know I am messing up at work, but I'll get better. I hate work, my boss is such an @#%$, it's his fault I can't stand work. But I'll straighten up, because I can't lose this job. No one else will hire me the way I am right now. I need this job because it's the only one that will employ me. Just one more hit, and I'm done with this @#%$. Then I'll suffer through work. I need that money. And it's MY MONEY! I can spend it however I like, thank you very much! 4. Do you understand how selfish and HORRIBLE it is that you constantly ask for money - and "just" $20 isn't enough anymore - you expect me to give you at least one hundred. This is the last time, I promise. I'm quitting it all tomorrow. I just need this last bit of help. Just one more time. 5. When you leave the house to go do your drugs, or sleep with other women, or whatever it is you do when you are gone - as you are leaving - do you know right then what you are going to do. Do you kiss us goodbye knowing very well that you are not going to come home? Like Suz said, I know I am going to do drugs. 6. Do you know the pain you are causing. If yes, why don't you care? I mean I have an addiction to food - but if it was seriously causing my family heartache - I believe that I would really do something about it! I don't want to cause any pain. I feel so bad. This is why it's my last time, after this time. Please let me put off my pain a little longer. I need to "get ready" to quit. Just one more time, please! 7. How is it fun to be doing a drug that causes such paranoia? My boyfriend will go to the store or somewhere like that and it will take him 30 minutes which should only take 5 or so but he has to stop every few minutes or so because he believes there's a cop behind him. (Ok I may be exaggerating about the timeline - but the pulling over is definitely true). I'm not going to get paranoid this time. I know it's bullshit. I won't trip like that no more. Just one more time, so I can say goodbye to this drug. I'll concentrate on not being paranoid, I promise. Now that I know about it, it won't happen again. I promise. Just one last time. 8. How can you be gone for days and not see your kids or at least miss them. When you're home you act so overprotective - but then you can go days without talking with them. I feel bad when I am gone. It makes me not want to go home. I need to seem at least somewhat straight to face you or anyone else. Give me a minute. Give me another hour. Okay, at 3 o' clock I am coming home. It's four now, @#%$. Okay, one last hit for the road. I'll be home by five. I just need to "get right" before I have to talk to anyone. 9. You get so irritated by me.......(Now I know it's NOT ME).....what about me makes you irritated? What should I do when you are irritated? Leave for awhile? The fact that you are standing in the way of meth. You ask me about being responsible, and you freak me out when you start getting on me about drugs. Please, can't I just enjoy my day at home? MUST you always bring up the negative @#%$? It's hard to face you because you hate meth and you hate the fact that I'm using. 10. How am I supposed to act when you don't come home and then show up like nothing? Am I supposed to get mad at you (does that show I care) - am I supposed to just not say anything (doesn't that make it seem like it's ok that you do that). Don't worry about me. Please. Don't even think about me. You don't have to worry about my safety, I got it all under control. It makes me nervous when you worry about me. There is no need to worry. Please just leave me alone. The more you call my cell, the more irritated I get. I'm home, aren't I? Why can't you just kiss my ass the way I kiss my dealer's ass? 11. When you pick a fight with me - how am I supposed to handle that. Do I just be quiet and let you pick, and pick and pick? Do I yell back and give you your excuse so you can leave and blame it on me? There is nothing you can do, or not do, to appease me when I am picking on you. Except let me go do some meth. 12. What should I do about me & you? Should I leave like everyone is telling me? Is that what you really want? No, please don't leave, I need you, I love you. I TOLD YOU, YOU NEVER LISTEN DAMMIT, THAT I AM THOUGH WITH METH! JUST ONE MORE IT, AND I'M DONE! I need my wife, my home. Please don't make this hard on me. Me, me, me! Should I stick with it and be by your side because you really don't mean to hurt me? Yes.NO. 13. Do you know that you are not the same person anymore? Do you KNOW that? I don't care. 14. Do you have no shame when you are talking bad about me to other people? Although you are definitely a drug addict - I don't go around telling that to everybody. I don't go around tell everyone that you are a loser. Then, when you have one of your nice days, you say the sweetest things to me. Look, I am only telling the truth. It's not my fault you hate meth. 15. What is it you want from me? How do you want me to act? It seems like I can't do anything right. I try being nice and let things slide, but you continue to hurt me, I argue back (I admit I have a horrible temper) and stick up for myself and that just gets you more riled up. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. I want all things that don't exist. In the tangible world, I want my meth, and for everything else in my life to just fall into place automatically around it. 16. If you know all of this, WHY DON'T YOU STOP!! Because I am stopping. I'm going to start stopping. I need to wait for the right time to stop. I can't "just stop". It doesn't work that way. I'll die if I stop like that. Just let me do this my way. Just one more time, I promise. Just one last time.
forget suzette	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind Bent but not broken, ......are you really mad at her for asking these questions? that was intense.....is this your loved one? if not........that was a passionate release. either way it was, but, I just wondered.
forget suzette	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind grumps yours was killer, nice read.
Jamie J1979	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind Le Grumps said it all! The selfishness that goes with addiction is insane. It's really all about the addict all the time and if you aren't willing to tune into methmadness 24/7 then there will be problems. When I was using I was so like that. It was either all about me and my use or me trying to quit or me just needing some help and me and me and me..........I didn't think I was hurting anyone but myself. Sure I knew I was making life a little hard financially at time but that's it. I didn't understand all the pain I put my family through until I got sober and had to deal with the pain of my ex's addiction and all the hell I went through trying to help him. Basically I woke up and realized I was just softening the blows his addiction was throwing at him and I basically got out of the way and let what was going to happen to him happen to him. I no longer worried about him being broke or not having a place to stay. Those weren't my problems and obviously he wasn't worrying about those things otherwise he wouldn't be doing what he was doing so why should I worry about it either? He's a big boy and he'll figure things out on his own. He got addicted by himself and he'll be the one to get recovery by himself. Getting clean isn't really a joint decision, it's something the addict must do on their own when they finally experience enough pain. If someone isn't ready to get clean then they aren't ready, period. Some addicts like myself will tell you they aren't going to stop anytime soon so bug off. Other will say they stopped while still using and others will say they are working on it. Actions are what you should focus on not words. If they are still doing the same old thing, being gone for extended periods of time and having mood swings and asking for money and whatnot they are using. Personally I think it's best to focus on yourself and move on because that's what's best for you and your kids. I'm so happy I chose to move on and let go. I feel so free now that I'm not worrying or thinking about his crap all the time. I have a 2 month old son to worry about. I refuse to raise my son in that type of environment with parents fighting, dad being gone and then popping back up whenever he feels like playing family, hell no! I went through that so some extent with my parents because my dad was a functioning alkie. He didn't disappear for periods of time but he was gone alot working all the time or at the bar drinking. He was moody and my parents fought a lot about his drinking and I remember having to visit him in treatment a couple time and it was weird and it sucked. I want better for my son, he's the innocent one in all of this mess. Let him face the consequences of his actions for once. You never know what might happen, he might experience enough pain that ends up driving him to seek help.
BentBut Not Broken1	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind Suz......that was me mad at me.....recalling me as an addict. Again....I meant no harm. I'm healing age 15 to 42. That's my inner-rage. Thanks for asking.......sorry if I offended...it's directed at me......very healing for me tho.
forget suzette	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind ....it was fantastic then! ....feel better? pure passion.
forget suzette	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind it was gorgeousness and gorgosisity made flesh.. .....brava! I hope she asks us some more questions!
sadinca	Re: What is in my addict boyfriend's mind Oh my gosh! Thank you so much for replying to my questions!! This wasn't meant to be funny but when I read Bentbutnotbroken's reply: *Quote:* I mean I have an addiction to food - but if it was seriously causing my family heartache - I believe that I would really do something about it! You are addicted to me. So, what are you doing to fix that? Then, maybe you can say you would do something. Understand? I have to say, that made me laugh. It sounded so simple. That's right! What am I going to do about it??? And, to forgetsuzette, oh yes, I have tons more questions - but maybe I'll wait awhile. Ha-Ha I really appreciate your responses....It's just all about the meth and getting the meth. You helped me to understand that he is just so messed up inside. And, legrumps, you hit it on the head about the "just one last time" that definitely sounds like my bf. I can definitely picture him saying that to himself. And, bentnotbroken1, it also seemed to me that I offended you and I'm sincerely sorry if I did. It helps so much when we get answers from the users/former users themselves. I don't know how it feels to be addicted to meth (or any drug) and it's so hard to understand. Do you guys understand that we love you, we hurt so badly, we just want you back to the way you were. We look at you and see what the meth is doing. We try to understand. It's so hard to turn away from someone you love. And then just when it seems like we're getting strong, you do something to turn things around again and make us feel that love again. And, then the cycle continues again. You know that don't you?